Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

You ok Stuck, it should be around midday or something there I think, make sure you eat lunch.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Thank you, ladies, you are both lovely. Revive Vitamin Water is literally made for hangovers (vitamin B + potassium), and I tell my students that all the time--I used to teach a 9 AM class 3 days a week and they all looked like they really needed it. On Fridays the 1/2 that did show up probably should've stayed at home. Funny that I was almost certainly more hungover than they were, but they didn't have years of practice. But alas, no time to grab one this morning. I did make it to campus in time to make copies for class this afternoon and sort out some payroll issues. Then I met with students, ugh, for like 2 hours. Managed to get a sandwich. Then taught from 2-4, and met individually with more students until about 6.

But my day got off to a pretty chipper start, actually, when I was in the office making copies. One of the admin assistants randomly ran into one of my students (and her mom) in a discount clothing store, of all places, over the weekend. Somehow USC came up and you know, it was like Oh I work there, Really? I go to school there... Anyway, this student apparently just started gushing about me, and so did her mom (like my student I guess tells her mom all about me). So I guess I'm down to earth, and making this whole class possible for her to get through, and that made me feel pretty darned good. F the rest of these little bastards, though :H.

So walking back toward the bus from my class, there's this row of bushes. [EDIT to remove the bartender's name] So I picked a flower for her and tucked it away in my bag. (I might edit all this out, actually, with her name and all, as I don't want some random person recognizing it, and thus the bar, and whatever.)

Anyway so she wasn't there tonight, which I guess is for the best, since the flower didn't really survive the trip home too well. And it probably would've been a pretty creepy gesture after waiting around to walk her to her car last night... But regardless it was nice to sit and have 2 beers, do a little reading, and come home.

Where I discovered my local grocery store delivers!? The one I used to go to on Mondays after AA? And how have I not known about this all this time? Of course I ordered a ton of groceries that will be here tomorrow evening, even though I'm heading leaving town in a week. At least most of it will keep in the freezer... It'll be good. As long as I eat a lot of bagels and eggs this week :H. Point is, for a $10 delivery fee (not this one, 1st is free) my grocery issues have been solved. So, so happy, 'cause I used to do grocery delivery but it was soooo damned expensive with all the organic, locally grown stuff. Socially responsible, yes, but way beyond my budget.

Still bought a fifth of whiskey before walking up the hill. But instead of pouring drinks I just did a little reading and a lot of F-ing around online. Having a drink now, the last of the last bottle, but actually not liking the feeling and I'm OK with that. So I doubt I'll have another, or if I do it'll just be to pass out quickly. This is quite different than even a month ago, when pouring a drink at midnight would lead to a night of movies or TV shows or just music, until the sun comes up or even beyond. (God, there's a post not that far back on my thread, like "yep, 9 AM and still drinking." Oh, summer vacation how I love you and hate you.)

So that's HDB doing it's thing, even though last night I passed out before taking the last dose of the damned pills. That's happened 2 or 3 times now, and it doesn't seem to be a big deal bac-wise, like I don't feel a difference. I just feel like a jackass. I feel like a jackass for a lot of last night's post, actually. Huh, guess that brings it full circle, so thanks for checking in this morning. Hope y'all are doing well.

And I swear, one of these days I'm going to write decent posts again. I would draw your attention to a post at the bottom of page 15 that's really my goal, but maybe I can only get so far with cat stories I will leave that as an open question, though. As in, if I'm gonna be writing every night, what would y'all like to read?

Good night for realsies this time.

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Stuck, this is your thread....write what you want when you want in what ever state of mind you want!! People can choose to read and follow, or not.

This is probably one of the very few places in your world that you don't have to censor, is anonamyous (sp) and you can just vent, spew, theorize, babble, whatever! And it is almost always entertaining!

Keep on doing what you are doing Stuck!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Josef runs marathons, takes practice jogs along the beach for miles under the moonlight as the tide inches up the sand in the dark. Long legs, rail thin, working forward, forward, against his tight shorts and the sand. Josef runs shirtless, a bandana holding his shaggy hair away from his face. He runs without headphones, at night, running against the wind in the silent dark, watching the moon reflect on the rippling waves coming to shore. Josef calls me after these jogs, because just one drink will carry him to where he'd been trying to run.

Josef is a writer, a soldier, a guy who believes men are men. Sitting here at the bar after his run, he drinks bourbon neat, fancies himself a drinker but he will have only the one. The nights he turns himself loose and really drinks with me, he wakes in the morning devastated, incredulous, unsure how to make sense of the world through his hangover. He turns to me on those few mornings, amazed at the number of drinks, usually 1/2 what I had, and marvels that this is just another day for me.

Because Josef wanted dual US and Israeli citizenship, which was his for the asking regardless, and because he wanted to be that kind of writer, he joined the Israeli army. During breaks at the university, he goes to the Middle East to fight, and in 2009 he was caught in Hezbollah's attack and couldn't get back until 3 weeks into the spring semester. When he did return, it took many weeks before we sat at the bar drinking bourbon and he finally spoke about what happened. He didn't kill anyone, he was pretty sure. But his unit killed people, and this seemed to bother him a great deal.

And Josef has boundless respect for me, because I was a medic. Josef loved and appreciated the medics, and setting his drink down he turns to me to say he can never stop wondering about the deadness in their eyes, the way they smoked cigarette after cigarette and drank and, knowing they would run to where the shooting was, they waited for their turn to die. I reminded him I wasn't that kind of medic.

I read Josef's writing when he sends it to me, he wants my comments more than anyone else's in the department, even the creative writers of which I am not one--I'm on the critical track, not the creative.

Here, though, at my bar tonight and reading Tim O'Brien's The Things They Carried, I can not imagine the pain Josef must feel. That he knows, in his heart, that someone has already written the most perfect expression of everything Josef wants to write. I see every sentence of Josef's striving to be an O'Brien sentence. Every story striving to be a chapter in The Things They Carried, and Josef's are not quite there.

Yet Josef sits, every morning, every day, in his underwear in his living room, at the computer and writing. He sat in the back of armored personnel carriers in Israel filling enough journals for a second novel. He has stories published, magazine articles on running published. He's nearly done with his dissertation and has a beautiful wife, whom he met that ill-fated winter deployment. But he's not saying anything new, nor is he saying it in a new way.

And then my greatest fear, I think one of them is, is not only not saying anything new but not saying anything at all, as I sit here bottle in hand, making damned sure I'm drunk and in no condition to write. Yet another night, yet another night avoiding the responsibilities I have to myself. How many years now? How can I move on to a new life of sobriety when I drink like this? And by this I mean to give myself an excuse. If I didn't drink I would be able to write. But really it's I can't handle the pressure of writing, so I drink to give myself an alibi for not writing. Dear God, I hope bac can take away the booze, if only to give me a chance to see if I can do what I think I want to do. But if I can't, if I can't do it, then I think sobriety will be intolerable.

It's early here for one of my posts, but I do hope y'all are sleeping soundly. And I hope the sunrise breaks on a wonderful day.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

The sunrise, and the early morning, have been a gift. They usually are. I am so thankful, and I said this to Ed over dinner last night, that each day brings a dawn that is fresh. Because yesterday sucked in a really big bad way and I needed a fresh start. I hope today is wonderful, but I've always got dawn to look forward to and there is something to be said for that. Something huge and unfathomable that every day is different...and the same.
Kind of like stories. There isn't one that hasn't been told. We know that. History is not the only thing that repeats itself. We do too, collectively. Which means all of our stories, like our histories, are the same. It's a weird fact that each is also unique. Like days. Like eras. Like centuries.
(oh my, how I would love to digress into some Einstein and Buddhist metaphysics, but I will spare you!)

What I write is for me. Certainly on my own thread, but also in response to other people's thoughts. Do you not think that is true for you? Not just in a healing way, either. Not just in this format. In general.
In so many ways, and on so many levels, asking other people what they want to hear is...ha! It's lame. I do it. We ALL do it. Every day, almost every minute. But it isn't genuine, and anyone seeing a glimpse of that in someone's writing knows it isn't real. Instantly.

Your friend? He just hasn't gotten to the meat of the matter. If and when he does, it will be profound. And someone, somewhere will be profoundly moved. Doesn't really even matter if he's got talent, or a PhD. Not if he keeps it real. Or gets it real, rather. And THAT comes from daily practice. It's a skill for most people. (Not for all, though. Some of us are born with it. We write the way we breath. It just...Is.) I've seen evidence of that kind of thing in other art, too. Music, of course. Are you familiar with the Visionary Art Museum in Baltimore? Look it up if you get the chance. Lots of nutters and other miscellaneous geniuses who created the only way they knew how. And I think it's fair to say that they HAD to do it. Were compelled. And probably didn't think there was much value, or that anyone was going to notice or care. Right? They couldn't have known.
Then compare it to the guy who owns a restaurant near me. He mimics the art in the Visionary Art Museum. He is an artist, for sure. But what he creates is not genuine. It's a mimicry and it's just weird. Or worse. It's stupid. Cheap. Lame. (yep. I said it.)

I don't know art at all. But I recognize pain, and beauty and the gift of spirit (or whatever) that compels people to make stuff. To express things. To share what's real and different and true. Call it genetics. Call it a calling. A gift from God or Gods. Don't call it skill based on book learning though. 'cause it ain't that!
Just keep doing what you're doing, la. It moves me. It makes me think. And though you write better when you're sober, you write best when you're keeping it real. Rock on brother. Right here with you. :l

American Visionary Art Museum vs
Syd's Art Shots (I edited it out. TMI)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Well now I feel badly about calling attention to someone's work like that. He's trying, like all of us. But it ain't real and though I would neva eva say it out loud where it might hurt him, I am sticking with it.

I am compelled to continue writing this morning. I've been at it for 3 hours. Can't stop, despite the fact that I have some really important 3D stuff I have to take care of Right Now. It just Is. Even if it sucks, or makes people mad. I gotta do this thing. Wonder where (or if) it will lead... Somewhere other than here? Doesn't matter, though. And thanks for reading.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Dude, Syd is awesome. Not now, and not for the reason he thinks he is, but he's going to leave something truly weird in this world for someone to find. He could probably use a little less self-promotion, though. An example, though a bad one because Henry Darger was actually an awesome Outsider Artist, is Collage History of Art by Henry Darger ? The Green Lantern Press. It's kind of the difference between what Darger did, and what D'agata did with it.

My friend, who's name is totally not Josef (though I could definitely see him smiling about that), is flipping fantastic. But he is trying to do one very specific thing. And Tim O'Brien already did that--not saying The Things They Carried is the end-all-be-all of literature, but it is the book Josef is trying to write over and over. And it's difficult to carve out our own space, ya' know? Like I'm sure if y'all saw the book I'm "working on," you'd say hey, didn't that Connelly guy already write Brining Out the Dead?

Anyway, I'm doing what I'm gonna do, but I can still take requests! :H

Completely and utterly jealous of your mornings, NE. The quiet time alone to focus or center oneself or whatever. You're probably meditating, I'd be drinking coffee and smoking out on the steps, looking out over the hill and the skyline. Dawn though, hmm, if I woke up a little earlier, or stayed up a little later, we could do dawn here.

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Morning Stuck! How are you doing today? I too hope bac does the trick for you and frees you from AL and allows you be the writer that is waiting to come out.

I get the alibi thing, wholeheartedly! Look at how much progess you have made with your drinking...I think one of the key things is even if we over indulge, we recognize it, instead of accepting it as the norm. You have a plan and a goal with the bac!

I know it is cheesy, but one of my favorite AA sayings, when appropriate, is "Don't stop 5 minutes before the miracle happens!"

You are close, Stuck! Keep it up! Have a good day!!!

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck....what's up....awfully quiet lately....everything ok???

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Sorry, Taw. I meant to post something quick yesterday during the day--thanks for checking in on me

Couple of new developments:

I accidentally grew a beard and now have to fix that--let me explain. I really don't like shaving... but I absolutely can't stand the feeling on my neck, so the other day I didn't have a whole lot of time, just kinda trimmed things up. And, well, a few more days now and--beard. No one's really seemed to notice yet...

Conversations with the bartender have taken a personal turn. She was off the last 2 days, which isn't normal and I wasn't expecting, so I was kinda hoping everything was OK since she didn't say anything about being off... Anyway, first thing last night she comes over and is all like tell me everything you've been doing since I saw you a couple days ago. And she says she thought about me when she was looking through an IKEA catalogue and saw ads for picture frames with cat pictures in them. So maybe she was thinking more about my cats than me, but still.

But I guess the part that's actually germane to a forum on meds and alcoholism is I'm drinking too much. Still waking up early early every AM, and not hungover, with only a few exceptions. So I guess I'm holding it together for the most part (though if you've been reading all along maybe you'll disagree :H). Going up today, will be at 212.5, which for convenience's sake I'll just be calling 210.

Have not yet switched over to the script. The pharmacy called, so I'll be able to get the rest of the 270 pills. But I still need to sort out some crap with them--as in, inform them that I don't care what my insurance covers, I'll pay for the remainder of the script out of pocket. As well as have them probably check, yet again, with the good doctor. Because it seems like they (the pharmacy) pulled this 20mg/3 times a day out of thin air, and this concerns me only because it puts a timeframe on things that 1) means my insurance doesn't cover the whole script and 2) will probably make refills a problem.

Anyway, sorry for being quiet, and for being so garrulous now! Off to teach the children in a bit, hope everyone's having a great day.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Sort of a muted day all around. I sure hope everyone's hanging in. On the plus side, it was great to hear Windy on a couple threads, so hopefully the move is going well/she's settling in.

First day at 210, so obviously not feeling a difference yet.

So it's 11:30 and I'm basically sober. Still slogging slowly through the papers. Might try a beer in a bit, then going to bed.

Wishing everyone a really lovely and restful evening. And a great day for Space, who's probably waking up soon. :l for you.

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck! I noticed when I was on HDB that I would roller coaster between drinking my fill one that then the next could not be bothered with AL...I usually made up for it the next day by drinking double, but it is odd how that happens...at least that was my experience.

You are probably sound asleep by now...hopefully so and getting lots of rest for a long, tedious day!

Sounds like the dynamic with the bartender is changing a bit...maybe you are opening her eyes to guys within her decade!!

Have a good day, Stuck! and everyone else that pops in!!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Thanks, Taw. It is weird how it happens. I'm starting to sort of get used to not forcing it if I don't feel like drinking, which is a big step.

I wish I was sleeping. Woke up about an hour ago. No panic or anything like that (like I used to have terribly), just woke up. I thought it was time to start making coffee, but when I got to the kitchen I saw it was only 4:20. My first thought was I should get high, but then immediately remembered I haven't done that in years... Anyway, probably going to try to sleep for a couple more hours.

Hope you're off to the start of a great day!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hello all,

open question to any of Dr. L's patients:

My insurance and pharmacy are tag-team dry Fing me in the A. Apparently the pharmacy will not fill a "take as directed" prescription. Is this my insurance? Or is it Walgreens? The script itself very clearly says "As Directed," but Walgreens simply will not fill that.

Do you guys have the same trouble? I won't be able to get refills, because the "dose" is 60mg/day, and they won't refill until I'm supposed to run out. Thoughts?

I have not yet switched over from my stash to the prescription, and will probably be putting in another overseas order very soon.

/end question

Finally, all is steady on the drinking front. Managed my first beer in just under 1 1/2 hours, because I'd just come from Walgreens and was so pissed, as well as grading papers, and drinking heavily is the only appropriate response to freshman papers. Then had 2 shot + beer specials because someone bought me a round. I'm just going to stop documenting all the guys who buy me drinks--this was someone totally new, I don't even know him. No idea how I became the wayward orphan everyone's taking care of... Had to pay cash again 'cause I didn't hit my credit card minimum.

Which was funny, since I just tonight found out that the bartender, who drinks Red Bull like I drink Jameson, only gets 4 a night as part of her shift. The rest are bought for her by the guys. So, knowing I hadn't hit my $10 minimum to close my tab, I asked if I could buy her a "drink." And she said no! WTF!? Did I just get snubbed?

Good morning, everyone, and I wish you all the very best day.

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck! Did you shave yet?

Dr. L would ask me how much I was on each day and that was what was on the label...my last one say take as directed up to 240 mg per day...but he gave me 400 20mg pills knowing it goes up every week...the pharmacy just needs some kind of instructions on the label I think.

Not sure if that answered your question....just had lots of blood taken and still a bit woozy!!!

Um, maybe ask the bartender earlier in her shift if she wants a drink....maybe she had hit her limit?!?! I don't think it is a snub....try again!