Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Once again we know were not alone, yesterday my mum asked my daughter if shes going to buy one of those things you wear to suck and squash all her fat in since she hasnt bothered getting round to loosing weight before her wedding. She often comes up and starts grabbing my fat around my waist and telling me I need to get rid of it. What is it with our mums, I would never say any of those things to my kids if is so nasty and insulting but then that is my mum. I have no idea why she thinks its ok to go insulting me and my kids, she doesnt do it to anyone else.

Im glad you can see that your getting better, many moons ago I used to be the woman at parties and stuff totally pissed out of my mind wondering why no one liked me, and men didnt want me, well not in the way I wanted them too or the kind of men I wanted:yuk: one time I got stalked by some total nutter, I mean very scary, he even turned up at a party I was at then tried to put me through a window because I wouldnt go with him, it was awful, he was trying to smash the window with my head thank god the glass held before someone came and got him off me. Im very glad that I dont have a social life like that anymore.

You will be ok, just go home before tenth night.

[ifulovelife2]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Ha! Yesterday my mother said I needed to do some 'body building'. That's right, ignore the fact I lost 100lbs last year, the majority of which was fat but also some muscle went with it. Don't congratulate me on that, you old bag! :H

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hayzeus, Space. That's awful that that happened to you. The shit we endure is heartbreaking, isn't it?

Glad it's over and glad you're not still being tormented.

And you, SiLa! While it's not exactly torment on the same level, of course, (and I am not making light of the differences!) the sorority sisters squealing makes me a bit squeamish, too. All the more so since I'm not trying to shag any of them.

As does dinner with the family. When something so fundamental changes, EVERYTHING changes. Right? The irritation I feel with my family is very much tempered by what they have seen, been through and suffered right along with me. (Especially since they too have the disease. Like your mom.) It's different, because they aren't treated and aren't as clear as I am...Which is funny to write out loud. Because who is clear about what? Such arrogance in my little mind...

Anyway, the rest of the world does not get such patience from me. I think I feel as though I have wasted so much of life, and time is (relatively) short, that wasting even a minute of it really irks. This fear hounds me and makes me very uncharitable when I feel as though someone is wasting my time. (again with the arrogance.) Then again, some people waste my time and they need to get the f* out of my way. I can't and don't and won't have time!

Hope it becomes more relaxing and settled though. What's going on now?

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

OK so the other thing is that this house lacks the technology required for a 10 cup pot of coffee, so my morning routine is completely thrown to the winds. But I do know what you mean about the mornings outside, NE. Not nearly on the same level of course, as it's already after 8 here, not whatever-unholy-hour you're hanging out on your porch. (Though, by the way, when you're out there it's actually called the "middle of the night" .) But I'm on my parent's porch in the backyard, and there's actually a backyard, and there's a chipmunk here on the porch here with me, and he's eating one of my mom's tomatoes.

I'm also very consciously using the word parents, because otherwise I'd say folks, but I call all of you folks folks all the time, and I don't want to muddle the terms, because I don't feel ambivalent about you folks the same way I do about my folks. See how much easier it is just to say parents? :H

And it's absolutely hysterical the things people remember, or choose to notice. I was so petrified about bringing my new bag home, instead of my old ratty canvas one. Because the new bag is made by this guy down in Texas, and the parents have bought stuff from him for me for Christmas--a belt, a wallet, (I think that's it) little things. But I know they've been on his website, and so I know they know how much this bag costs, if they cared to pay attention and remember. But Dad hasn't even remarked on it, and Mom simply said "You have a briefcase now, I'm impressed." Sure, thanks Mom. I know you hated the fact that I had a canvas messenger covered in buttons. Buttons like the pink one that says "FCKH8," which is all about the California Prop 8--won't go into the nitty gritty politics, but my button is supporting LGBT rights. Or the one that says "I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck." So yeah, the leather briefcase/messenger is a step up, but please, please don't remember that it's $600, Mom. (In my defense, it has a 100 year warrantee, is complimented/fawned over literally everywhere I go even by the guy drinking a tallboy at 10 AM on the steps outside my apartment, gets better with age, and is literally the last bag I ever need to buy.)

And we selectively forget, too, like when Dad drove me out to the counselor's office. Well, he said, this is expensive but it's never going to happen again. Even if you drink again, you won't drive. Even if I drink again. We started talking in very vague terms about alcoholism, and he said something like you never needed a drink in the morning. Ha! Thanks for the kind words, Dad, but remember the ER? Remember the couple of emails about AA, when honestly I was trying to hint at a struggle to lay the groundwork for a discussion of bac? Nope, guess you don't remember that, which is wonderful actually.

Then I'm sitting in the counselor's office, and most of the hour I'm there is this guy reminiscing about wanting to go to college in California, and how he went to U of Illinois instead, and how he has all the stuff I need to do printed out right here. And no, I don't have to ever go back, just fill all this stuff out and mail it in with a check. So suddenly I start thinking about privilege and feel very good about me in a qualified way, and very bad about a couple different things. [EDIT: The feeling good about me is in that I don't have to get rides out to this place that's 30ish minutes away for the rest of the afternoons I'm here. Because it is a waste of time, even though it shouldn't be, and wouldn't be, if it was actually designed to help anyone.]

The first is that someone who doesn't come from an upper-middle class family, who isn't an academic and so respected by judicial system and counselors alike, who would actually have to take time off work if they have a job and come out here to the middle of nowhere Lord knows how many times. For individual counseling, for group sessions, to be lectured about their disease instead of informed. My first DUI I went to the same place, actually, but was here for the whole summer so I could do the community service, and work on an ambulance so I had money. That time they said don't worry about the individual stuff, but I went to maybe 4 group sessions.

Then I felt bad for the privileged guy (or gal) who has a real drinking problem. They're not inconvenienced by all this pesky counseling, they just fill out these papers at the bar and hope they don't get points taken off if there's gin spills on it. That person is not going to get help, they just buy their way out of it and continue on with their life, until they have real health problems or kill someone during their next DUI. That might've been me if the anxiety and panic attacks hadn't "saved" me, though I do thank God every single day that I didn't hurt anyone with my first DUI--and I really did stop drinking and driving, even before that one. Complicated, I know, and it always is, isn't it?

So here I am, still on the porch, and it's Tuesday so my parent's cleaning lady just showed up. I'm going to get off MWO and shower, then head to a coffee shop because I'm totally uncomfortable when she's here. And thank Christ I remembered to put the counseling papers away in my bag about an hour ago. Because her grandson was killed by a drunk driver, and here I am with 2 DUIs. There's no room for circumstances, or explanations in the real world, and very rightly so. All I can do is hope people don't find out, which is going to be tough.

And I don't know where I was going with this. Had a pretty lovely evening sort of. My friend insisted on coming out from the city last night. We just watched more silly TV in the living room until 1:30 in the AM, which was ridiculous as she's now up and getting on a plane to Denver. At least there was no more sex--our relationship is really going to pay for that one already.

Urgh. This was quite an AM post! Again be careful what you wish for, NE :H.

Hope everyone's having a great day :l

[ifulovelife2]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

StuckinLA;1363959 wrote: I've got it pushed down to the 2nd Google results page so far, below my grandfather's obituary (we shared a first name).

Oh, don't worry about that SiLA, I'm a a bit of a whizz at SEOing, I'll have you at the top of the Google rankings in no time.:H

It used to be, if you Googled my name you'd end up with pages of some gay porn star! That's not the case any more. Perhaps he's retired. Thank God! If you actually Google my complete name (including middle) there are no hits whatsoever. I appear to be unique. I always thought so.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Alright, peeps. 4 AM CST, and we're getting to the point where sleep is not really here anymore. The tiredness/mental fog/vague possibly anxiety feeling is not exactly constant, but it's on/off throughout pretty much the whole day. Annoying, especially when sitting around with the 'rents, who've no clue what's going on.

Anyway, buckle up kids 'cause this is going to be a long one. I've been sitting on this for a few days, trying to wrap my head around everything, and was hoping to write it all out when I wasn't in some middle-night haze--and maybe when I could do it with some literary flair, but whatevs. Also to the lurkers: while I don't think this story is SE related per se, if you're skittish about SEs or anxiety generally, please please please stop reading here. Or at least continue with a certain amount of caution.

Friday night, the college-drinking night, I was in the city at a friend's apartment. I didn't much feel like drinking at first, as I'm at 225, but decided to sip on a beer. The guy who lives in the apartment is really into absinthe these days. The 1st one Friday night was so good I could've wept. The party was rockin', everyone getting more than tipsy and funny and having a great time. I believe I had 4 absinthes. Some of the peeps left, others who were staying the night went to bed. Then I got high.

I haven't gotten high in over a year, so this guy's hash probably isn't the best reintroduction, but I go to town. After smoking a cigarette I have nearly no control over my body. Sitting in the kitchen a couple people are having a grand ol' time, while I feel so disconnected I can't stand it, and start going into a pretty dark place. In retrospect, I was just very very high, and drunk, and had I gone to lie down this wouldn't even be a story.

As is, though, I started thinking this was it, finally dying for real. Y'all know I'm a connoisseur of panic attacks, but this felt final. My main thought was I can't believe it's going to happen like this. They started to get concerned, I asked for an ambulance. Most of the rest of the night is a blur, but a few key things stand out very clearly. I'll spare you the real play-by-play, but things start to get interesting in the ambulance.

I want to be very careful about being melodramatic here. I know I didn't die, or come close to it even. But I don't care if this was anxiety, or drug induced, or whatever, it's one of the most clearly distinct things I've ever experienced. On the cot, on the way to the ER, the medics were working on me and everything went white. My eyes were open, and I couldn't see anything but bright white. Voices faded, all the noise around me muted away to silence. I slowly lost all sensation in my body, like I went from feeling a medic moving my arm to start an IV to then no longer feeling it, or anything else.

I started thinking about how hard this would be on my parents. And thinking about all the things I haven't done and now would never do. A lot about the life I always kind of thought I'd lead, etc. But in the end, when I couldn't feel anything, I just ended up thinking it was all OK. It didn't matter, and this was it anyway so it definitely didn't matter. Nothing would matter ever again, and it's pretty much the happiest I can remember feeling, quite possibly ever. It wasn't even like going towards the light, or down a tunnel. There was no vision of God, or deceased family members welcoming. No, it wasn't entering paradise, it was just leaving everything behind and being obliterated completely in an utterly empty void.

When I started to come to in the ER--in fits and spurts, I don't think I ever really "came to," even when they released me--I realized what had happened.

They released me at 5:30 in the AM, still drunk and high, and the ER'd checked me in under "palpitations," so no issues and my insurance will probably cover some of it. Returning to the apartment, I took a pillow and laid face down on the floor. It was truly comfortable, and I had the best, panic-free sleep I've had in a long time, for the next 2 hours. And I'm left feeling mostly embarrassed about the whole thing. I'm also left with a strange sense of calm (at times, other times certainly not calm). Like all my anxiety attacks manifest as feeling like I'm going to die, but now I feel like I've been there and it's actually lovely in the end. I don't know what exactly to make of it all.

I haven't had a drink since Friday, and haven't had any cravings. I'm not all switchy yet, more like clearly freaked out. A few beers sound like just the thing, actually, and I hope you'll understand why. But the SEs are also nuts since then. Rather than settling in at 225, they seem to be more pronounced day by day. This evening I was ready to drop 10, and go down tomorrow to 200 or something. But took all the damned pills at the "end" of tonight anyway, and have two-thirty-whatever laid out for today. Don't have much else going on, so may as well give it a try. Still panicky though. There's absolutely no routine or comfortable environment here. No chance to get ready for the shit I gotta do when I get back, and I keep getting persistently weird vibes from MWO--probably just me, but lame nonetheless.

So that's where I'm at. I don't even know what I'm putting out here right now. I'm the guy who can't handle getting high? I have to stop calling 911 for panic attacks? Urgh. I should stop being all hand-on-the-forehead woe is me? I simply don't know.

Good night/morning peeps.

JKTTGDMotherFuckingP.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

yipes. And nice.

Not the experience, though that seems to have been really profound. Messed up, for sure. But interesting.
The post is what I was referring to. I'm glad you shared it.

And yeah. jkttgdmfp. Sorry. Sort of. :l

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

StuckinLA;1364309 wrote:
So that's where I'm at. I don't even know what I'm putting out here right now. I'm the guy who can't handle getting high? I have to stop calling 911 for panic attacks? Urgh. I should stop being all hand-on-the-forehead woe is me? I simply don't know.


JKTTGDMotherFuckingP.

Quite possibly all of the above, except maybe being hand on forhead thing if thats what you need to do.

Also maybe stay with then not drinking while your at your parents, it will give you a break and help you get your head together and decide what you want to do about it. Also it could help with the se's as well.

The rest of your post Stuck, Im really glad you posted it, but cant really comment as to whether I think it was the end or not, but it is all very profound.

Oh I know what else I want to ask you, what are the bad vibes your getting from MWO? I havent noticed anything but then I havent read everything, I think your brill and love it that your here.

:l

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Morning Stuck!

Wow!!!! I think not drinking has been a good decision! I also think that once you get bac to L.A., you will have a much better perspective and feel much better about everything! Your trip here started bad with delayed flights, terrible flight, angst with family and lawyer, no good sleep...lots of crap!

I know I for one often wonder what the universe intends for me...as I think we all do, as most of us have done things while drinking that have probably put us in harms way and we are still here.

I would say, first and foremost, give yourself a break, Stuck, about Friday. If anything, it kept you sober while you were here!! So no hiding bottles from your parents, sneaking to the liquor store, none of that that you talked about before you got here.

Hang in there, you will be home soon, bac in your own element, and much better able to process all that has happened! We are here for you!!!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Thank you, ladies. Yet again (and always), you are wonderful. I know for certain it was not the end--not even close.

Nope, and I feel pretty lame about all this being just a drug trip--or moreover making so much of it while knowing it was drugs. Regardless, it does feel pretty profound. So there's that.

But I really am OK now. Thank you thank you thanks everyone. Hope it's a good one all around! :l

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

PPS Oh and the weirdness was just me over-thinking a lot of stuff due to some of the recent less-than-pleasant conversations. As well as it feeling like it was a bit quiet the last couple days. As well as me not being on my laptop continuously, at my desk, with tons of coffee and packs of smokes like normal. I don't know, maybe I just felt disconnected?

Or everyone just needs to stop being busy in 3D and get their butts back here! This is my new toy, dammit, why isn't everyone playing with me? :H Mad love, peeps.

[TexasAg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

WOW, I just read your post and it is very......intense? sorry can't think of a good word.

Stuck, I'm glad you're feeling better. I'm also very glad you're on MWO.

God Bless!

Day 33 on Bac - 100mg
AF - 8/11/12
BBF (binge beast free) – 8/11/12

[TexasAg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

BTW, why doesn't your thread come up when I search under baclofen?

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Your day sounds cool, I wish your nan would take me shopping Why arnt you seeing the counselor but your dads paying? I thought you where going every day have you said and Ive missed it, maybe you did say something but I cant remember what it was.

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I desparately need new clothes, I went to Asda today, thats a big supermarket with clothes section, its owned by Wallmart and wanted to try on a jacket, it was only when I took my jacket off that I realised I still had my pj top on :H I do have to get myself together dont I, its a good job I were pj's not nighties like my mum otherwise I would end up the mad old woman walking round in my nighty and dressing gown.