Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[Bruunhilde]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

:help!
Question for all of my friends here: You're talking about sobriety fine, but I"m having real trouble right now and I'm not sure its connected to alcoholism as much as some other organic or chemical problem I have, which may be the reason I self medicated in the first place.

Help! (I even thought if reviving my tit thread but felt since it was so offensive to some, in name only, I wouldn't but lookie here, just titted again, WTH. And to think I was one who would have been offended if someone else did it. Need to think on how horrible I am....)

ANYWAYS. Sigh. For the past ten or twelve days I've been alternately drinking and not drinking, and feeling very differently about drinking as I have mentioned on threads somewhere here with you guys - its not the escape it used to be. It can fire me up a bit, and pass me out so I'm not up til 1am, but here's the thing.

When I've gone AF in the past, and for you who don't like the acronym or know it, I mean Alcohol Free. When I've done this in the past, I've usually white knuckled it and done that plenty of times to develop good knuckles. I can not crave alcohol sometimes, a huge feat. And I mean that after the physical white knuckling is done, I still have the escape wish and the relaxation wish or dream, and the false idea that it will help me relax/be happy. I don't get high very much or at all, and time after time after time I still drink. Now that its been a year of not only stopping and starting and white knuckling, its gotten to the point where I'm much more detached emotionally and physically from alcohol. Forgive me if this is something I'm repeating. Hopefully it helps someone. And forgive me Stuck for putting this on your thread, I knew you'd welcome any input being the open mind you are. So.

I am sometimes drinking alot and sometimes a little and sometimes nothing. But what I've been feeling the last ten days or so is that horrible low grade (that's a mild way of putting it, now that I've not had it constantly for a while) anxiety and buzzy feeling that makes me feel like running out of the house and screaming FIRE!!!!

It's not normal. I have always had this. Its related to my 'startle response' which is just the exposure of my always-on panic fight-flight feeling. When a noise happens, anytime of the night, my body responds with an electric zap that is very unpleasant and seems to go up my spine, or down it, or up and down. I feel like all these years of this has given me PTSD.

Anyways, I lost that for a while, attributed it to LDB (low dose baclofen) and upped my bac. I had lowered it for a while since I'm running low.

Anyways, I've been back up on my highest dose for a week and it hasn't gone away. I'm not sure its LDB anymore, maybe its just bad thinking. I got blood labs back and I'm low in several thyroid, sodium, ferritin, progesteron, D, etc, but nothing I've not seen before. And of course, this freaky feeling is not new either, I just got rid of it for a while. I attibute that to my job getting more relaxed, to the LDB, to my thinking more calmly and controlling my thoughts. But this seems unrelated to my thoughts. Its physical and it's like there's a current going through my entire body, my arms and legs, my skin, and a headache. Google only made me think I should get tested for MS, which they keep testing my sister for.

Thanks for listening. I'm drinking gin tonight for relief. Otherwise I wouldn't have had the ability to sit here and focus and post. I'd be on the treadmill freaking out or fretting around the place looking for problems.

:chute:

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oh no, Bruun!

I'm so sorry, that all sounds terrible. And I have no idea what to say. The thyroid thing might have something to do with anxiety. And, well, drinking maybe. If it's lots and then some and then none it might be withdrawal.

I dunno, but it might be like Day 1 and 2 all the time, or coming and going, depending on how much you've drank in the past few days. Really not sure.

Or even the LDB, depending on how L it is. To be honest, I ran into some anxiety today and that hasn't happened in weeks. Then I'm trying to switch brands, and I think the 1 tab I took earlier really messed me up. So I don't know what to tell you at all.

So sorry, though. Drink your gin, relax. And hang around my thread tonight if you like, I'll be up for a while.

[playland]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hello Bruun, I was stopping by to see how Stuck was doing, he seems OK. But I'm really concerned about you, your Help sign at the first of your post and the parachute at the end tell me that you are suffering. And the blood work that shows where you are low, what does your doc say to do about it? I know you may have seen those numbers before but the longer they go on, the more out of wack and affected by it your body gets and gets even more out of wack, press your doc for a plan to fix the lows, and are you taking "All One?" and a Hugh hefy dose of Vit D? If not , time to start big time on the rebuilding of the body, and make sure you address the low thyroid, thinking of you and sending love your way:h

Ok, well, hi Stuck, glad you are good

Love,
Play

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Bruun, I was really just going to have a quick read round until I saw your post and have to answer you. Not that I have any answers for you unfortunately, I think I have had similar for most of my life really but getting worse, nervous system shot, anxiety, physically uncomfortable/unbearable feelings I cant really describe. So my first suggestion right now is that you said you where taking LDB, then upped it then lowered it or whatever, anyhow, I dont think its helping you with this, I mean the changing dose, why would you think LDB might be causing this so go up, unless you mean you think its some kind of withdrawal symptom. I dont know but there are some horrible se's and you wont know what is one, how is you blood pressure at the moment as well with being on a high dose.

It could well be the erratic drinking, it does that to me, heavy drinking always is bad, drinking a little is ok, and not drinking is good but takes a bit of time for my body and mind to adjust, so sorry I dont have an answer there apart from the one weve both been looking for all along which is how to sort this drinking shit out for good.

And what Play says about the tests and vit D and stuff, I know you know your stuff when it comes to all this, are you doing it, are you taking supps, if not why not? I just got my box out the other day and sorted a weeks worth out so I know I will take them, come on Bruun I know I have missed yo9u round here so how about getting a plan, posting more often, come over to my thread and we can kick each other up the bum for a possitive go at this, what happened to all the mad stuff we used to do like coconut oil and that weird fungal tea you used to drink. :H I have still got 2 tubs of coconut oil here, and I even bought the book as well I think I will give it another go, it cant hurt, are you with me, at least to take some supps.

By the way Play, what does a big dose of vit D do, I have added it to my supps but cant remember why.

:l x :h

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Morning everyone,

Bruun so sorry you are feeling so bad! Hope you are feeling much better this morning!! Why are they testing your sister for MS? Does she have the same symptoms as you? What dose of bac are you on now? You said you were running low, I have some if you want it.

Sorry I have no advice for you. Just be extra good to your self the next few days until we can get a plan together. If that involves some gin, so be it. Don't give yourself more angst by forcing AF right now!

We are here for you, let us know what you need and how we can help! :l

Hey Stuck! how's things???

T

[windycitylady]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Bruun! I've really been missing you!
I'm so sorry for the way you're feeling. I totally relate, and it's the fucking worst. It's one thing if you're an alcoholic and you hate it but booze makes you happy. It's a completely different thing when you're an alcoholic and you hate it and you drink and the booze doesn't help. It's just too goddamn unfair.
My startle response is a good indicator of how "crazy" I am, for lack of a better word. When I'm depressed, anxious, etc., my startle response reflects it. I think the thyroid levels are worth looking into. Play made a good point about how maybe you've had them this low before, but maybe being so low for a prolonged period has had a different, more harmful effect. Also, you don't like to take too much gabapentin for some reason, right? You know that I take at least 1200mg/day, don't you? Today was a 1600 day. Would you be willing to up your gabapentin, see if it helps?
As far as natural stuff goes, try to exercise. It's a lame, predictable suggestion, I know, but it really does help. I was having a hard time today (as evidenced by the extra 400 mg of gabapentin), and I made time to go for a quick run, and it really did improve my mood.
Otherwise, I don't know....L theanine? That's really the only supplement that I've taken that I thought actually did anything for my mood.
Whatever happens, keep posting! I miss you! And I thought of you tonight because the neighbors got a new kitten, and he won't leave our front porch. He's the sweetest thing, sat on my lap the whole time I was studying outside. I'd forgotten how therapeutic a cuddly, purring kitty could be.

And Hi Stuck! How are YOU?:l

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi everyone. It warms my heart that my thread's become a place for people to come and talk, though of course I don't like the reason, with people being anxious and all.

Even with all that going on, thank you all so much for asking after me. I'm still around, and still reading. Trying to jump in here and there.

Today was a really crappy day for a lot of reasons, and I'm sorry but I just don't have the energy to go into it right now. But that'll just make people worry more, so I'll try to give you the gist of it.

Trying to switch over to Dr L's prescription. The brand is different, and they're 20 instead of the 25mg I've been using from overseas. They seem to hit me a lot harder, so that's weird. Then, working on getting a prescription set up where I can get refills on time has been an issue. I thought I had it all sorted out, but I pick up the most recent script and, well they had the correct number of pills but these are 10mg, not 20. So it's a good thing I told them I was taking twice what I actually am... but this still won't do. Dr L is trying to charge me every time I call him, so that won't do either.

Anyway, been having some anxiety the last few days. Thought that was in the past but it's not. Then had a really rough day at work, and finally saw a doc about the leg thing I've been dealing with. That went nowhere, but the whole thing did give me a panic attack... so those are back.

Met a friend at the bar to talk over the work thing, and that helped. But of course had several drinks... And I got sad when the bartender seemed to ignore me all night, even after my friend left. That wasn't the reason I got sad, it's everything else... just everything, but sad nonetheless. So I had some drinks and bought a bottle of whiskey. Didn't open it, because drinks aren't really helping, but I sure as hell went and bought it.

So now I feel a little unhappily buzzed, which is what I expected but not what I'd hoped for, and I think I'm just going to try to sleep. Because it's 11, and tomorrow's another day of trying to deal with work/school/work stuff, which just keeps getting more stressful with deadlines approaching.

So that's me. This post is a lot longer than I thought it'd be, but it is what it is. Not in a great place right now, but hanging in. Indifference? I guess not if I'm drinking for no reason when I get stressed out. Should go bac up, obviously, but I just can't bring myself to care.

Going to roll over and sleep now, hopefully. Good night everyone.

:l:l:l

[playland]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

:hHope you feel better Stuck!

Play

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oh dear Stuck I hope today is a better day for you. its what windy just said, drinking when you hate it and it doesnt even work is so crap.

:l

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Morning Stuck!

Hope you are feeling a bit better today! Sorry things are just so crappy lately. I think it makes it even worse when they are just crappy for really no big apparent reason. BUT, if anyone can work thru this, I know you can!! ALOT has changed for you recently and you can be expected to have it all sorted out and be all flowers and rainbows right away.

And hey, you bought the whiskey, but didn't open it! That's something that would not have happened in the recent past, right? Progress!!

Hang in there, my friend!! Many, many :l:l to you!


T

[ifulovelife2]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

StuckinLA;1380463 wrote: Indifference? I guess not if I'm drinking for no reason when I get stressed out. Should go bac up, obviously, but I just can't bring myself to care.

Hang on, you said drinking for no reason but then you gave the reason: to relieve the stress. Or did you mean for no purpose i.e. it wouldn't solve the issue. Just because you drink, it doesn't mean you're not indifferent. Crazy huh? But true. You may no longer have the need to drink but you don't yet know of a different sort of way to react to the triggers that previously caused you to reach for the sauce. I don't have the answer (helpful as always) but i don't think going bac up will solve the problem. Well, it will in so much as you'll eventually get to a point where you're too bacced out to even lift a bottle.

Hang in there, dude!

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Very good point there IYLL, about drinking for a reason or a purpose. You have just turned something round for me that I never got before, because I am so AA indoctrinated and told that the only reason I drink is because I am an alcoholic, but, that never rang true with me, well I now get it, there are reasons I drink i.e. to relieve stress, bordom, lonliness, because Im happy, to get pissed etc etc and just because it didnt serve the purpose I didnt believe they where reasons because I was told they wernt, but I now know they where. I hope you understand what Ive just said. Thank you for that insight. x

ps I am not saying its an actual good reason to drink because Im bored or whatever and so therefore I should, ok so please dont anyone jump in to tell me why I shouldnt do it I already know.

[AL Fiend]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Stuck,

Dealing with doctors and pharmacies and bac availability has made me crazy and reaching for a drink on more than one occasion. Ironic that the very thing we are doing to help ourselves sometimes makes us worse momentarily. Eventually it gets worked out, but oh the stress of it all!!!! Add to that, work and school stress, and it is no wonder you had some automatic responses.

Ifu said it best:

ifulovelife2;1380605 wrote: You may no longer have the need to drink but you don't yet know of a different sort of way to react to the triggers that previously caused you to reach for the sauce.

There are several posts that explain that you need time to find and practice other means of coping, even after indifference. Easier said than done; but I think it is Ne who says, "It takes what it takes."

Also, while your brain gets right, it is not uncommon to go through a range of emotions including sadness, sometimes even without cause.

So, as hard as it is, maybe it is really "round 2" (read: progress) disguised as crap!

Keep up the good fight as best you can! From all that I have read on this board, you will prevail!

AL

[redhead77]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Mr Stuck,

I hope today has turned into a better day for you. It sucks trying to figure out how to navigate the tough stuff without the sauce. Don't I know it brother! But you do, for the most part, figure it out. It's just one day, Stuck. You inspire so many here, don't forget that!

Now, I'm positive I'm inarticulate tonight. I'm very tired. I'm so lazy, I can't even be bothered to get out of bed to write this. I'm typing from my phone. Off to watch a movie. I've started watching movies sometimes in the late evening. It gets me out of my head temporarily. :H

Bruun, I hope you're doing OK. I'm thinking of you.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi everyone. It's Mr. Stuck, now? :H

Did kind of freak out there a little, huh? Yeah, I was a bit of a mess yesterday. Soooo, basically...

My boss observed my class yesterday, as she does with everyone once every semester. I thought the class went pretty well, but in my little debriefing I heard things like "comprehensive disaster" and "you need to work about 100 times harder." She pretty much tore into me on a professional and personal level for about 45 minutes. And, well, she's insane.

Seriously. She has no idea what's she's talking about, she's completely inconsistent from sentence to sentence, and she's oddly deformed like a troll. There's this weird joint thing, and hands like claws, so it's like being berated by a crow or something, cackling at you. A crow with heinous, fire-red dyed hair. And so she's pointing at me with this talon-finger, but the arm is sort of out-of-joint 'cause she can only raise her arms like John McCain, and her teeth, my God, so I'm trying so hard to stay quiet while she's saying my class sucked because we didn't play any small-group games or Jeopardy! or something like the other teacher she just observed.

Anyway, that was really troublesome. So I leave there and go straight to my doc appointment. Meanwhile I'm sending an email to this professor who I desperately need to agree to be on my committee, but I haven't heard from him in like 2 weeks. But after I send the email I realize I just might have insulted him for not writing me back. So then the nurse calls me and takes my blood pressure, twice, then I'm back in the waiting room starting to have a panic attack while trying to email this guy again to explain. But it's on the damned phone so I think the email gets sent to me. So I forward that to him. So now I've sent him some weird apology and a separate forward of that apology. Then next I'm sitting with the doc and no one's paying any attention to the fact that my legs hurt like f-ck. Nope, it's all anxiety, blood pressure, and AL. Right? Because this isn't my regular doc but all those notes are still in the computer. F-ck that computer.

So then of course she's like go sit down so we can take your blood pressure one more time before we let you go. And sitting there for a while it dawns on me what they're doing: letting me sit for a while so it goes down. And I cannot believe their... let's call it inability to understand. Sitting there alone in the waiting room does? Yeah, you guys know. So I just f-cking left and went to the gym. And they actually called me by the time I'm getting on the bus home, saying hey we never got that follow-up BP...

Mostly I'm just really bummed out that anxiety is so prominently back in the picture again. I'm hoping it just has something to do with switching pills and will pass... And by the way then of course went to the pharmacy to pick up what turns out to be still not the correct prescription. Oh why am I even bothering?

Anyway, so I'd texted some friends from work for their input on my boss problem, and one of them agreed to meet me for a beer. He's not a drunk but he is a drinker. So we're at my bar, and of course have 3 shots + beers, and after he leaves I figure what the hell, I'll have 1 more before going home... Then bought a bottle of whiskey on the way home. And that one I really can't explain, because I didn't drink any more of anything once I got home.

Yep, that's my story. So I have an appointment again with my actual regular doc next week. Where hopefully we can actually focus on the problem I'm going there for. Something about being in that building, in that waiting room. So many memories.

And I no longer have to worry about that guy I was emailing, because I talked with a professor who's already on my committee today, and he basically fixed the problem. So I've got someone now and it was like 2 quick emails and she's happy to be on board thank all that is Holy. Did send one last apology to that guy, though, and let him know that he doesn't have to worry about it anymore. Damn, I hate being responsible. [EDIT: I should really explain why I'm so freaked about this committee person thing. If I don't have a signature turned in in about 3 weeks, I can't register for a class next semester or pretty much ever again. Not registered? Not in the program, don't have a job anymore, etc. I need that signature. And I need to pass my exams in November, or all those same bad things happen.]

Oh, and the drinks with the friend? They were OK, sort of, definitely not the great relaxation and relief of days gone by. Which is heartbreaking in its own way, but I guess not really. But the point is that he set my head right about work and about the boss. It's actually not a big deal, just something to deal with. I was afraid she had the power to fire me, but she doesn't. She actually has almost no power. Plus, on the really bright side, our classroom and all our offices are down a couple of steps from where her office is, and so she can't get to us because her walker and waddling trollish-legs won't let her. Ahhh, safety.

So this is already really long. Thanks for coming to my aid, everyone. It meant a lot to wake up to so much love and support. I don't want to go around to everybody, but Fiend and Play it's great to see you guys here. Thanks.

Hope it's a great day/evening/night/morning all around.

:l