Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[COSGringo]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Darn candy asses

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

who you callin' a candy ass?

Huge hugs, thoughts, prayers and whatever else you need, COS.

[COSGringo]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

LOL,
Thanks, things are looking up for the Springs. Not so much for other towns. And I think I might have found a gout remedy. 10 mins on the Internet is amazing.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Been in a bit of a fog the last day or so, and still there for sure, but trying to pull it together enough to participate in my own thread, especially as y'all are being so supportive.

Not that big of a football fan myself, mostly NCAA for the nostalgia-factor. But punting is when you give up on moving forward and just kick the ball off to the other team. Versus going for the touchdown, which is risky but a huge payoff. So, NE, I read you as presenting a choice, and it basically asked what kind of a man I am: the kind to give up and walk away or the kind that just fucking goes for it.

So I'm stepping up but goddamn, the no sleep, the night terrors, the shallow breathing are brutal. I might be stepping up really, really slowly. Very little drinking yesterday--a few at the bar, bought a fifth on the way home, but ended up just sipping a beer and then pacing the apartment for most of the night & reading through old bac-success threads when I could focus on anything. No drinks yet today, and only thinking about that in fairly abstract terms. We'll see how tonight goes.

Probably the biggest thing I could do for myself, and did, is ditch the girl I've been on a few dates with. The one who brought whiskey when she came over and called at like 11 pm to tell me she was picking me up and taking me to the bar. Sure, it was fun to pretend I was my good 'ol self for a few nights but not worth it.

Hanging in there between 205-210. I think I'm really close, but I want to make sure it sticks because I really hope to eventually drink socially and have the occasional cocktail at home. I know that's playing with fire, and this is the biggest hint that I'm not a grown-up, but I never wanted to stop being "a drunk." I wanted to stop the consequences (haha, doesn't everybody?) and stop the EVERY night out of control stuff, and then stop the mornings that turned into days on end. This is my way of trying to outsmart myself.

Or maybe that's a huge slap in the face to a lot of people here, and I'm really sorry if that's the case. Maybe this just shows the lengths I'll go to to keep drinking... Might make some people think twice about being so supportive when I'm going through SE rough patches, but hey, this is one of the few places in the world where I'm trying to be totally honest--not even sure why, it just feels right that way.

Mostly it's about feeling like myself and doing the things I want to do--like hang out at the bar, which has been my social scene since 19, and have a club soda or even a few beers, and not worry that the sight of a Jameson bottle will send me straight back to the hospital.

Anyway, that's probably enough for now, but who knows, might be on again in the middle of the night.

NE: the house looks great and you'll love, love, love being by the beach. I hated the beach until I lived a block from one.

COS: glad the winds shifted, though it still blows (sorry, couldn't resist) for your friends. And good luck with the gout remedy.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oh, LA.
Yep. It sux. Glad you're...Peyton-Manning up. (That's the best I could do.) (It's pretty funny that that is what I 'said' without knowing it. It is for sure not what I meant. But I cannot tell you how many times I have wanted to say that! :H Not this time though.)

Yep. I spent hours and hours and hours and hours on here. Reading years worth of posts and reaching out in PM and in the chat room and then in g-chat and finally on the phone. Still do. (But MANY fewer hours.) I heart MWO. When it's not driving me batty.

Night terrors. hmmm. Manage them. It is, without question, mind over matter. (I don't know if that's true for everyone, but I suspect you and I have some things in common--words, for instance--and I think you can think your way out of some of that.)
Let's talk about other solutions offline, too.

The fog? Can you enjoy being high? I couldn't. But the drug-experimenters around here did. My husband enjoyed being pleasantly loopy. (Though he didn't have ANY bad SEs after he started taking small amounts of benzos. Lucky dog.)

Moderation...lol. I'm pretty sure 95% of the people who do this feel that way. I didn't. I SWORE I would neva eva drink again. Not a drop. I hated the stuff. Now I don't give a hoot. It holds no sway and I have no animosity toward the inanimate thing that is booze...Don't get me wrong, it's still titillating to drink a glass of wine and Not. Want. More. And I'm not sure it happens for everyone like that. (But maybe!) Probably a good idea to have a period of time of abstinence after the fact. (I went a month, which turned into more, but I'm not sure how much more.)

But I'll promise you this: If you lay off the sauce, you will feel MUCH better. MUCH, MUCH, MUCH better. Not saying absolute abstinence, because sometimes a little nip can take the edge off the bac SEs. But the fog and the ugh and the blah? That's booze.

Sooooo...What're the test questions? How's that going? I found out last week I have to take a $700 3-hour-long standardized test in order to get into the nursing program. Feckers. I swear it's more about money than anything else. But whatevs. Ya' gotta jump through the hoops. Right? (feckers.)

:l:l:l

Oh. yes. the girl. Doesn't sound like a winner. Sounds like a baby-Ne. I was fun. And I was, um, easy. (Not really, but sorta. I never put out when I was drunk. Oh the irony! And I was most often drunk, obviously.) Anyway. People (women) who don't show up with a bottle of whiskey are very likely to be more fun than the ones who do. really! And Ed still goes to bars to hang with the boys. Men. Whatever. Sometimes he drinks. He usually orders one. Mostly he doesn't want to, though. And that's not just because the last time he came home and crawled into bed smelling like a brewery I was rather put out.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

OMG. You went to Iowa? Are you kidding me??? I lived there for a summer. In the yellow ghetto townhouses. Do you know them??? holy shit that was a drunken mess. Hallucinogens too. But also one of the most intellectually, socially thrilling times of my young life. (I was 20.) I worked for uber-liberal non-profits. (More than one, because I couldn't keep a job. Or they couldn't pay me! :H) And stayed up all night in some famous bar shooting the shit with the owner and the bartenders and all the other starry-eyed kids. Wow. Thanks for the jump into deep past!

It is a dream, a fantasy, an outrageous wish to spend some time in a writing class there.

Iowa? Really? Wow. yer cool. :H

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Remember when I said I'd probably be on here later "tonight?" It's that thing COS and I have gone back/forth about. Not as bad tonight, but did just wake up with quite a jolt. And these messages, they're a lifesaver to wake up to. Been spending too much time with David Foster Wallace the past few months to even know what I think irony is anymore, so I'll just say it's "funny" that I poured another drink to sit down and start type-type-typing away.

The drinking--I know it's the problem--is getting better. Wanted to say "last" night, but at this point it'd be better to just go by the day of the week: Saturday night I went to bed sober, or having sobered up after only a few drinks. I spent the night on here, going through old posts, and thought it's a shame the "progress thread"/diary seems kinda played out. 'Cause apparently I'm trying to single-handedly resurrect the genre, but there's no way I'll top morgol (sp?). Man, he was good. Sunday night is still ongoing, but didn't start drinking till about 2:30/3:00, so a couple of hours ago, watching this TV show that's like what The L Word wanted to be when it grew up and learned about the world.

The fog isn't like being stoned, sadly. I never get high anymore and I don't know why. Got over that after a few solid years in high school... something about finding booze, I guess. But I used that just like AL--at night. It was better than lying on the couch in the basement, watching Quantum Leap and (the original) V and Battlestar Gallactica reruns on the Sci-Fi channel until 4 or whatever in the morning. Now, a friend of mine who I only see once every few months (if that) has some pot now and again. Every time--every time--I get high with them and I wait until he and his wife are passed out and hit the bong again, and again, and wonder why I even bother drinking in the first place--feels that good.

I just looked at this woman and thought there's no way I'd want to sleep with her sober. That's not something you can really say to someone, though, especially after you've been inside them, or (worse, from what my female friends always tell me) down on them. So I just said I'm an alcoholic and I'm sorting my shit out. And I'm sorry, but everyone tells me that when I'm drinking I make things feel good and really real, even when they're not. So she left. And then came back. And in the morning she left again and sent an email saying she could never trust me now, that it's over. I'm taking it as a huge step forward for me that I let her think she's leaving me... Now the gorgeous bartender, on the other hand, that's one of those "OMG is she into me? She seems like maybe she's a little into me!?" I've had a major, so-much-longing-it-hurts, crush on her for 2 years. Funny that we didn't start seriously talking until I started ordering tonic waters, or at least fewer shots and beers, and not getting totally shnockered.

OK. Damn, that's probably enough for now. Good luck on the exam, NE!

Thank you to everyone listening out there on the Interwebs.

[COSGringo]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hang in there LA. Do you have have any relaxants like the benzos? You might have mentioned but I am still waking up. I thought it was Sunday for some odd reason. Well I needed some sleep.
Sound like you are toughing it out. It will happen. I think you are near that magic number.

Just avoid those sorts of people I had too. Some got pissed. Others got this higher the mighty attitude. Meh, I could care less about some friends. Some aren't real. I can always make new ones. Glad I have a good wife. The heck with then. Get sober and sort out those details later.

Ne, I'll be by with some Tanzanian Kilimanjaro coffee and my french press. Just make sure your SO isn't around.
Just kidding.
Hang in there in LA.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Yep. Just after 9 am, still drinking. About to get sleepy, it feels like, thank the Lord above. Always another day "tomorrow."

COS: That coffee sounds so damned delicious I have no words. But thank you for your words.

NE: Just by the way and all, the Workshop has open enrollment summer classes. I know it's not anything to do soon, but just throwin' it out there. :l

[COSGringo]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

9 AM is no good. I am not preaching believe me, been there done that. Bac is not working yet obviously.
What about Naltrexone?
What about a personal counselor. I hate AA. Just me but I never fit it. Will your insurance cover some of this? Be careful on counselors, find one that fits your personality.
Are you exercising? I can't keep up with all these threads. Find a routine that fits you and helps keep you away from drinking. Don't get caught in a spiral and DON'T DRIVE. It's not worth it.

Hang in there. Maybe I will make it out that way and stop by with that coffee. My wife needs a vacation. We used to do 2 a year now lucky to do 1 if that. I once lived in SO CAL and had a blast but of course I was about 19 and moved there from NJ.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I'm starting to annoy even myself with these long, rambling, pointless posts about my life. So I'm probably going to lay off all that for a while. Maybe I'll start a Wordpress or something.

But anyway, thanks for the advice, COS. I'm definitely going to figure out something to get the sleep/trouble breathing thing sorted out. Biting the bullet tomorrow and paying the fee for my insurance to work at school over the summer, so I'll see my regular doc soon. Of course, that won't help with nal or bac, and certainly not benzos. Though, in spite of my performance this morning, cravings aren't that bad--so I just need to work harder.

But I just wanted to let y'all know I'm not dead, and not on a bender. And I don't drive at all, so no worries there--my car's been sitting in its spot, under a cover, with the battery disconnected for almost a year.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Egad. I look forward to these middle of the night ramblings, myself. So please, for the love of keep it up.
I understand how self-conscious it can make one. But keep in mind that even I don't know your name! (And I know alotta names around here!)
Also keep in mind, and this a bit of a promise, that it doesn't happen in isolation. A recent and thorough research study looking at the people who found success in a traditional recovery program...Guess what the common denominator was? yep, you know it. Support. Not magic.

Soooo...Let's see. I walked around reading MWO with my phone yesterday and ruminating on stuff happening here and in 3D and wondering what happened to some peeps who started recently and aren't par-ti-ci-pating...Now I don't really know where to start with you. 'cause you were very much on my mind. This might be long...

Wallace--I haven't read or even heard of him before someone mentioned it on here, and then it was only to read his wiki page. What is it about brilliance and misery? Have you read...dammit. I don't have my books...Redfield Jameson? Touched With Fire. About manic depression et al and brilliance. I thought for a while I was bipolar (not.) (That's a wild digression, so anyway...) It bums me out when people off themselves, but much less so now. I may pick up Infinite Jest after I finish reading the Autobiography of a Yogi which should arrive today. However, if it's annoyingly intellectual/sophisticated and erudite I'd like a heads up from you. I tried to read something by Pynchon when I was in my twenties (my Lit major bf loooooved him.) I don't remember why I hated it, but I did. I have the lingering impression that it made me feel not-so-smart. Fortunately now when something makes me feel that way, I know it's not that I am not-so-smart, it's that the author/person sucks. :H lololol How's that for a healthy ego?

Back in a few

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

It occurred to me at some point that you were six when I was in Iowa City. I would bet that the yellow townhouses that were a little bit (in)famous were at the very least repainted before you got there.
The age difference, ftr, does not cause me much consternation. My bff is 26. I used to think that this was because she has parent issues (who doesn't?) and I am stunted from a lifetime of drinking. Now I think that's mostly hogwash. At 42, without kids and (because of the booze) starting at accomplishing my goals, we have a lot in common. Most of my friends the same age have kids, and have finished school/house buying/many etcs and have NO idea about the reality of what my life was like. Point here being that I am REALLY looking forward to the day when people stop assuming those of us who drown in a substance of some sort have something in common, and/or a personality, characteristic or trait that makes us want to drown. That pisses me off a bit.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Finally, I'll share this story, which I'm pretty sure I deleted (dammit and sorry)

Very late one night I was on here exchanging posts with Ignominous, (sic) who happens to be in a time zone 11 1/2 hours behind me. There used to be a doctor on here from CA. (wtf was his name???) He was a perennial lurker and pain in the ass naysayer, pessimist and just a gray rainy day. I liked him, but boy was he a pain in the ass. Anyway. I was drunk, I was FREAKING out. He posted that I should get to the ER. That a psychiatric emergency was as much an emergency as a physical one. THEN, before I could really and totally lose it, Lo0p came on and redirected. He started flirting with me, and basically ignoring or poking fun at whatshisname, and then it was all over. And I went to bed. Got up. Took the pills. Got on with life. (barely, sometimes, but the sun still rises and sets)
Now have you seen Lo0p? He's, um, stunning. (Where the hell are you, my friend???) So that was more than enough distraction. Plus I trusted him inherently, because I'd read everything he'd ever written on here. AND I knew what he looked like because he opened up his facebook page to everyone here. EDIT: I remembered to delete my name! ...And yes, that freaks me out, but whatever. That's the beauty of edit.)

So. Hang in there. You're bound to feel like utter and complete shit for a few. But you would without the bac. (Drinking all night, or from mid-night to after 9am? Oy. I am sooooo sorry. Fuck. That sucks.) (Eat something, will you? And take a slow walk or something. You may be young, but ouch!!!)

It's almost over. Your doc is going to tell you you're fine, but it's really good that you're going. (I went several times and it was such a relief. But also very annoying since I was absolutely convinced there was something wrong with me and that's why it all sucked so much.)

And listen, this is important: It ends. The SEs just stop. It's absolutely true. (This may be your last bender! Woop! That makes me grin out loud.)

xxoo

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

It's not so much self-consciousness, per se, as navigating the purpose of a forum/message board/community.

DFW is sometimes (too) erudite, and sometimes (too) complicated, but a real joy for a lot of people. And, appropriately enough, he felt literature's main job was to connect people, to help us feel a bit less lonely in this solipsistic, TV-saturated world where ironic-detachment is our default mode of communication. Infinite Jest, even though 1/3 of it takes place in a rehab halfway house and is about an awesome of a look at AA as I've ever seen, is not where I'd start. I'd go for some of the nonfiction, and I just tried but failed to upload a scanned copy of one of his essays that I think you'd like ("Tense Present").

So tonight my panic is a bit earlier time-wise, as I only had 2 drinks at the bar this evening, just to see the bartender, take the edge off withdrawal, and, oh yeah, because I'm an alcoholic. But I tried to sleep when the lightheaded, wonky, stoned feeling of my night bac dose kicked in. Slept for about an hour and, poof, now awake in panic.

I remember your post somewhere, NE, about "choosing" your side effects--and it rings true. Again, DFW, later in Infinite Jest, describes depression in the same way. This was in '97, but it fits 9/11 perfectly: people don't "choose" to jump out of a building because they want to. They jump because the fire is so intolerable that they simply cannot be where they are any more. So depressed people don't commit suicide because they think it's a good solution, just better than what they're living with.

I'm not suicidal, by ANY means, but instead my nightly choice (these days) is between the panic or the drink, which sometimes helps fight the panic.

And, of course, writing my memoirs on MWO :H