Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I've been pretty down lately, to be honest. Been thinking about drinking a lot, maybe it's cravings? Probably just wanting to escape. And waiting until later in the day to take most of the bac so I'm not zoning out during the day. Whatever. Not drinking really at all.

Yesterday I had a 2 hour work meeting, yes with that psycho boss, and went for 1 beer with a couple guys after, but then had to go straight back to the office to sit and work my shitty online job. That's all I've had to drink this week. But of course when I got home I was tempted to, or at least thought of, drinking a whole lot of whiskey. Maybe I actually had a little bit of rationality left to tell me that wasn't a good idea. Or maybe it was white-knuckle fear, I can't really tell. I ate peanut M & Ms and watched a movie and went to bed instead.

So there you have it. I'm swamped with work, getting home late every day, not getting much actual work done because my time is taken up with really dumb and pointless stuff... Barely making it to the gym. And the exam deadline is looming.

And today I have a full day of going through bibliographies of academic books, highlighting stuff for my reading lists, then typing all those out. Oh, the glorious life of the mind.

Hope everyone's having a great day! Seriously. And thanks for keeping my thread alive.

:l

[ifulovelife2]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Well Mr Stuck*, you do realise you just managed to offend both myself and Reggie with that story, don't you? To even suggest Aussies and Brits have similar accents is a cultural faux pas of Prince Phillip proportions:H. I loved Crocodile Dundee when it came out, feck knows why because it was a complete crock of crap, but it does seem to have had a disproportionate effect on the septics**. When I was hanging out in New York, everyone thought I was Australian and were deeply disappointed to discover I was only a Brit. However, in the other parts of the USA I've stayed, people have heard my accent and not made any assumptions about me, except that I was probably gay. Ho hum! Received Pronunciation does sound a tad effeminate to red-neck yokels, apparently.

Reggie, whenever I meet a Kiwi, it takes me half an hour to get my ear in. Those vowel sounds are bizarre!:H

Stuck, you had a 2 hour meeting with that psycho boss, then went out and only had 1 beer? FFS!!!!!! Dude, you are soooooooo together. Personally, I don't think I could handle that and would probably end up strangling her and discreetly disposing of the body. Not that I would ever strangle a person...except maybe a stripper. Do strippers count as people in America? Oh, I don't know, it's a strange, strange land.

A song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JNcje6g5ZE[/video]]I'm Not Sick (But I'm Not Well) Paranoia -House MD - YouTube
I like the song, a lot, but I love it with this video.
Reg, ya mongrel, reciprocate! Gizza song, mate.

*I don't know why we're calling you 'Mr' now, but it seems to have stuck, Stuck.
**'Septics' is Cockney Rhyming Slang: Septic Tank = Yank.

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

It doesnt matter where I am in the world, I just have to do the same as if I go somewhere else in England and speak slowly and clearly because otherwise if I where to speak like I talk to my family or just locally no one can understand a word Im saying anyway. So UK, America or Australia all couldnt understand my accent :H

Stuck, if your craving, which it sounds like you are then the bac isnt working properly then is it? or is it and Im missing something, but I thought the idea was that you would become indiferant i.e. not think about it and not be bothered by it. It worries me when I hear you not feeling good after all the hard work youve put into this, what are you doing now. Did you go down in dose?

xx

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

That is a great video.

Don't know what to say, Space. Not sure if it's cravings, really, as much as just being kind of unhappy. I did go down with the bac, and I'm sure there'd be folks saying I obviously went down too much. I'm just trying to find a place where I can be comfortable and not feel all zonked out... Or fall asleep in the middle of a class or meetings with students. There've been a couple times when I felt it, all of a sudden, right there with a student and I just can't think straight.

So I'm also taking more of the bac at night... I'm at around 130-140 right now, and I'll only take about 1/2 of it before 6 or 7 at night, and that works pretty well during the day, but 6 or 7 is right when the happy hours are and it's enough to get me thinking...

Not that I'm drinking every day or anything. Maybe that song was perfect, actually. Not sick, but not well either. I'm pretty sure the answer is more bac, but I also want to be able to concentrate and think clearly. Silly, of course, since drinking doesn't help at all with the thinking clearly.

I guess I should just eat a whole bunch of pills as soon as I get done with work for the day. Then I can zone out for the rest of the night or something. We'll see. I do think I can figure it out. But now I feel like I'm babbling and not making any sense.

[playland]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Stuck, Oh, I really wish you well and good luck:l I personally think Bac is awfully fraught with awful SEs and is a lot for people to handle, bit if it is what you choose and choose to keep on with and find success with, then:goodjob:, I totally support you, please find your way thru all of this, I so care about you and want you to succeed and be happy and find yourself.

Wishing You, Peace, Love and Happiness,
Play

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oh thank you, Play, you warm my heart. I'm hanging in and around, so things could be worse, ya' know? I'd say I've definitely dropped too low on the bac, so will have to sort some things out eventually.

But I'm doing OK. Working, reading, making a lot of notes for writing. Not much to say, really, but thought I should say at least a little something. I dunno, I've got the morning off tomorrow, so maybe I'll give a great big update then...

Too-da-loo 'till then.

And since it's been so quiet all over, how's it shakin', Space? Still bathing, I hope!

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Stuck, I dont know if you have this expression there, stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea, and I dont even know if its appropriate but its like at the moment you seem to be somewhere between drinking, and HDB se's, and there must be some kind of happy medium, because others have found is, but thats the clue isnt it, finding it. Maybe you could start going back up, very very slowly, if the se's are ok now, Im just thinking that could possibly avoid se's happening until you reach a dose that is enough. and hopefully that wont have to be too high.

Thanks for asking, Im still doing ok on the topa, Im glad I changed over, its suiting me way better, Im drinking around 2 cans beer a night, but am just starting week 3 so still titrating up so hoping the success will continue.

Go to go now, my daughter and her hubby got home from honeymoon this morning so I am talking to them.

Hugs and love xx

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Going up might be about the same as going down. You just can't tell until you're there. Right?

For sure, though, resisting the habit when you're not taking enough might be a good idea. I am thinking of going down too, but it scares the bejesus out of me to think about having gone through all that and having to do it all again.

How're the kids? And the ogre?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Sooooooooo thrilled to read how well you're doing Space. Rock on! :l

I suspect that the guy (the bearded one) has issues, Reg. :H

[RedThread12]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I had a dream

Okay, I haven't been around for a while and don't really know what's going on, but this seems like as good a place as any to post my dream last night:

I dreamed that an MWO poster calling herself "Ne/Ne Eva," had been making up member-names and posting many different posts and points of view, over years, about everything about bac, with fictitious accounts in the names of . . . IfULoveLife2, Reggie, Spacebebe, Stuckin-LA, and on and on. REALLY! I DREAMED this! :H:H:H When I woke up, I was laughing out loud!! Especially because, in my dream, I was thinking, "Damn, this woman is freakin' brilliant!" Which, even upon waking, I still think this about you, dear Ne. But I don't believe that even YOU could have done in real life what you were doing in my dream. Which was (as you do HERE, just in your name, and your name only) pour out amazing amounts of information, support, lazer-like evaluations, and oh, so much more!!

I don't know about anyone else, but the lines between possible and im are blurring more and more for me as we approach the Mayan calendar date of Dec. 27, 2012. It's okay, you can call me crazy. I've decided to go with R.E.M.'s idea - "It's the end of the world as we know it. And I feel fine."

[ifulovelife2]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Reg, that is the worst...but yet the funniest song ever. Nice one, me old mucker!

Stuck, RE going up and down and what not, don't forget baclofen is actually magic, there is absolutely no science involved whatsoever, so if you do go back up you may not have the same S.E.s you did before. Go figure! As they say in the colonies.

[windycitylady]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Red, when I first starting posting, there was talk of a MWO meet up in Chicago. I had a dream about it, and it went well for the most part. But there was one lady that had everyone all riled up. Some people loved her, some people hated her. I really didn't know anyone on here yet, so there was no way that it actually corresponded to someone. But I posted about the dream, and people offered an opinion as to who it could have been. I know now that I'm in the love her camp!

Stuck, sorry for the recent setback. Go up a little, see what happens. When I was doing HDB, I was took most of my bac in the evening. It worked well, I guess. I did have less SEs in the daytime. But I was extra miserable at night. I was still drinking nightly and that may have exacerbated things like nausea and dizziness. Meh, maybe not. I'm now remembering drinking to escape those feelings. I'm not being very helpful, am I?
Anyhow, hoping you feel better soon. I've wondered, is going completely AF your goal?
How is teaching going? Have you slapped an honors student yet? I'm just assuming that's inevitable.
:l Lots of love!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi everyone. Writing on my phone while on the bus, because it's really the only time I have. And I don't even have that, actually, as I should be reading right now.

Not even sure where to begin responding. Setbacks? Goals? My goal should be to have a goal. I don't. I'm not going for abstinent, but I don't yet know what moderation is. Please don't read that as me being of the deep end--I drank over the weekend, but not tons. Enough for a couple hangovers (man, forgot about those). Something so nice about curling up with a book and a whiskey. Probably shouldn't be reading David foster Wallace's biography for fun though.

Anyway, point is I got through some work, did some reading, got laid. That involved some drinking, but I'm back into the swing of the week already and not drinking last night was no problem. Still figuring out bac. At 120, and 2 red bulls were not enough to keep me focused in class. I didn't actually fall asleep I don't think, but it was kinda asleep with my eyes open. Yeah, sure, I'd drank a bit the night before and hadn't slept that much, but still. I'm taking maybe 40-50 during the day and the rest at night. Not helping.

So I've basically gotta figure out where to settle in and try to wait it out maybe. Meh.

Plenty of other stuff to do, too. Sorry this is so discombobulated. I'm still reading around when I have spare moments. RedT, I've had similar conspiracy MWO dreams. And Windy, hate to say it but the gabapentin supply might be more important than the phone... Just sayin'.

Thanks again everyone. Hugs to all, and I'll be back around as I can.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Yo what's up, Windy. Nice to see your little green light on!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Anyway, I said I owe you guys an update, or owe myself an update maybe, or maybe just trying to get some thoughts sorted out. So, since I've got some time left before bed this evening here goes.

Things are OK more or less. I did do some drinking last week... right? No, that was 2 weeks ago when I had all that stuff with the boss and the class observation and stuff. Right. Went out with a friend that night. Then a couple nights later I hit the town with an old friend on Saturday...

Well, during the week I'm keeping things pretty buttoned up. Last week I had an appointment with my regular doc about the leg pain, and had a whole bunch of labs--like a whole bunch--done. I've been sitting on this for a bit, and can go ahead and post because I know everything's fine so I'm not jinxing anything. But last minute, like needle almost in my arm, my doc calls down and says hey, why don't we tack on an HIV test? She's just been meaning to do that for a while because I'm a degenerate alkie.

Next day she sends an email to say some of my labs are back, and she needs to see me again because my white blood cell count is really high. Wanna know how I know I still have underlying anxiety, or at least HDB paranoia? I immediately freaked the f-ck out, thinking this was code just to get me back there in person so she could tell me I'm dying of AIDS. It's just one of those things my hypochondria laches onto. Anyway, I send back some noncommittal thing, and then actually can't make it back there. But I don't start calming down until she doesn't email to press the issue--I mean days later, and then finally she does email me to say everything else is normal except the white blood cells, which could be smoking or stress. Ya' think?

Wanna know how I know I'm still pretty indifferent? I didn't drink. So yeah, over the weekend I drank a bit. And I'm sure I'm playing with fire by still going down, but right now it's almost midnight and I'm finishing up class planning, and really looking forward to getting in bed with a book. And setting an early alarm to try writing in the morning since writing at night isn't working so well. Sure I'm thinking about booze a little, but that's because I'm an idiot and have plenty of it here. I think what I was about to say about the reading before I got sidetracked was that it's really nice to want to do that again, and to actually be able to.

I'm not in a race to the bottom, or trying to come off bac or anything like that. Sheesh, I'm still above 100. And still watching how I feel--thoughts vs. cravings.

Windy you asked if I had a goal. I think right now that goal is to try the prn method. Find the lowest bac dose I can that keeps me from really craving AL, and then if I get home and seriously want a drink I'll try taking 40mg or so. But you know what? If I'm not doing anything the next day maybe a night of booze and bad TV wouldn't be so bad, either...

As for right now, my anxiety has been a nonissue since that day 2 weeks ago, and AL is in the picture but not the picture, so I'm feeling pretty good. Still a little lost and maybe a little sad sometimes, but pretty good.

Hugs and more hugs to everybody. :l:l:l