Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[Sticky]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi guys

The experiment was a bad idea, which I knew from the outset. I had already said no more drinking alone. I drank the entire bottle of wine. When I knew hubby was coming home I topped up the glass, put the bottle in the recycling bin and hid the glass. As if he doesn't know when I've been drinking and it's not like I'm not allowed!! Also the scary thing is if he hadn't come home I might have gone out and got more, driving drunk. I cannot do that anymore. I already have 3 DICs (DUIs). Was on here til late and hubby told me to come to bed. He said I crashed out and he almost thought I was dead! Had to get up early for son's soccer game which wasn't good. But I coped.

My goal is to moderate, but if I get to a point of indifference maybe I'll be happy to abstain. The tiredness and fogginess is getting to me and I have been worried about getting to the point of not being able to drive b/c of the bac. I have a wonderful husband, 2 great kids and 2 businesses to be Assistant Manager in. So while of course I'm very lucky to still have all these things, I can't just take time out to titrate up on bac and sleep half the day! I'm hoping not to go up much further and be able to moderate. if I can set some moderation goals and stick to them then I'm still very optimistic this will work for me.

WCL - Your ex-boyfriend having sex with a lesbian! I bet he got some mileage from that one!

Ne- see PM.

Good luck with it all both of you.

Cheers
Sticky

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Sticky, sorry the experiment didn't go well. I'm going to give you some advice that very smart people (Ne, among others) gave me once upon a time. And since you're bac(k) around, Ne, I'm sure you'll correct me if I get any of this wrong.

If you're not planning on going up to the switch, there probably isn't much point in going higher at all. You probably ought to to go down, actually, as I don't think it's like a craving-reduction dial. Like a little reduction at 60, twice the reduction at 120, etc. So going down and reaping the LDB benefits while trying other options to abstain/moderate may be your best bet. Not trying to be a buzzkill here... Lord knows I'm with you with moderating as a goal.

Of course, then there's the kick in the pants: you can't take time out to be sleepy with HDB, but if not that then how much time are you taking out to drink? And be hungover? Not able to drive because of bac? But what about not being able to drive because of booze? I hear you there, sister, I've got 2 myself and no license right now.

So from someone who's right around the same dose as you, except post-switch, I'll tell you that moderating maybe isn't working so well on this side, either. A couple of drinks don't feel all that good like they used to. Between leaving the bar and getting home, I feel like I can stop for the night, which is something I've never been able to do before. But then it's like just sitting around uncomfortably buzzed, and the night feels wasted anyway, so why not go ahead and drink more... That's what I did last night, and I was hungover and unhappy about it today. Now, the nice thing is that tonight I do not really feel like drinking at all--though that's not to say it's not on my mind, and even a little annoying that I don't feel like drinking.

Which is really to say that it's still a whole big complex process, and I probably should be going bac up again. Because there is a place where abstinence is not an issue at all. And it's kind of sort of pretty great, or at least strange enough to be interesting for a while.

So it's up to you, of course. And either way I hope you keep hanging out, on my thread or wherever, 'cause I love talking with you. We can keep comparing moderating notes.

Oh and hey about this sex with a lesbian thing... he didn't happen to have an pointers, did he? :H

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

This could be one of those endless posts if I quoted everything that piqued my interest. Instead I'm just going to write.

I'm stressed. I'm in a semi-permanent place of being pissed-off, and for several good reasons.* Right after I spent hours waiting around for other people to get with my agenda, and then dropped a ridiculous amount of money on crap I do not want to buy,** I drove by the 7-11 and thought about Corona. It was a fleeting thought initially. Then I started to gnaw on it. "hmmmm," I thought, "Is that a craving?" And then I went on to worry that for a while. Then I completely forgot about it until just now.

I can make anything and everything about booze if I try. But I have to try.

It reinforces, actually, the fact that I am cured of my addiction to alcohol. Not because I don't drink against my will, but because there really is no itch there anymore. I simply don't crave alcohol. It doesn't worry me, there isn't any underlying will power in resisting it, I simply forget about it, even when a profound "trigger" (or in this case, several of them) strikes. Getting here, from there (when I could not and would not even try to resist alcohol) is nothing short of a miracle. There are two ways to get it, from what I can tell. Abstinence and a profound life-change, or enough baclofen for enough time.

So Sticky, here's what I'd say to you over a cup of coffee: Give yourself a break, sister! Guess what? By it's very definition, what we do is drink! Too much, too often, and at risk to the very things we hold dear. No one ever tries baclofen because they had an extra martini at the Christmas party and got silly. Nope. By the time you get here, the options have been pretty well explored and the silliness has turned into multiple DUIs. Right? But you're going to do it anyway and that's okay. Just manage it. Be safe.

Moderate? hmmm. How is that possible right now? You can't do it and I'll tell you why. (of course. ) Ya' gotta undo your "learned" behavior. Even after you've undone the chemical learned response. (right, Stuck?) And drinking makes everything including SEs, worse. But you're going to do it anyway and that's okay. Just manage it. Be safe.

oy. This is too long already. The short version:

In all things be gentle with yourself. (Windy!! Stuck! Sticky, Ne, and everyone reading this right now! ) This thing we're doing, it's feckin' life-altering! Do not underestimate the power of life altering! Imagine if someone picked you up and put you in Oz. (The one on the other side of the rainbow.) Or Tibet! (same thing, right? :H) Some of us would think, "Holy cow! This is too much! I gotta go home right NOW!" Some of us are like, "woooooooohoooooooooo!" And some of us just get mad.

Actually all of us probably experience all of that. On any given day. Overwhelmed. Exhilarated. Mad, sad, pissed off and then maybe even pissed.

But you get to choose which one stays on top. IF you take enough bac, for long enough, and without messing around with it.

Time's up. Gotta go.
Wcl, is that approach strengthening or...not? I suppose it depends on what happens when you "fail". What happens if you eat the brownie? Fall asleep? Don't get the "A"? I have a really, really hard time not being perfect when it comes to my goals. And that is really effed up.

Stuck, I'd be looking at why your B's are out of whack. That's very odd. The medicos might not ask why, but they don't know that you just got out of this physical/chemical/mental tsunami-of-sorts. It might be important to know why. It might also be a clue as to what is going on with your mood/malaise/etc. (Our bodies actually do crave some things that it needs. If your Bs are too high, and one way to get them lower is to drink, then your body may want booze--or some kind of equivalent--to straighten itself out. Also, I am pretty sure I can tell, really, when I don't have enough B vitamins. My mood/energy gets out of whack.)

Sorry for the tome! (Holy moly. Even for me this is long.) But here're the asterisk explanations:
*Someone rifled through my car! In our driveway! (No, I don't lock my doors. Never have. It's never been a problem before until I moved into this house in a "nice" neighborhood. And no, he didn't get/do anything. I don't lock my doors, so I don't leave anything of value in my cars. duh. )

**I really, really want a trench coat. And a new pair of sassy boots. Why? I dunno. I wear yoga pants and t's every day. But still. I WANT them. Instead we bought motion-detecting lights and blah, blah, blah. House crap. Not even pretty house crap.

And oh! There's so much more! And it all makes me want to put on my commando camouflage and Take Charge! And Take No Prisoners! But feck that. Who has time? maybe. It could be that I have time. I'll meditate on it. Because I am definitely making time for that.

In the same vein, be aware of the .com posts, btw. I don't have time...and I've already lost that battle and the war. Sorry.

Super duper love and really sorry for the length. I'll edit at some point. (not very likely.)
xo

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

There is a big difference between taking some time, and giving up. If the SEs are unbearable, go down a very little bit and just stay there.

Be very aware of the fact that baclofen is a potent medication. The physical dangers are not the only ones we face. Stay close, stay strong. Stay hopeful.

[Sticky]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Stuck

Thanks for your reply. We must have been posting at the same time last night (for me anyway.)
I almost feel I might be near my "switch". Like I said I had a really good 10 days moderating. Wasn't feeling so good in general - bit down and sad I was spending so much time working and doing CADS counselling and group rather than spending time with my kids in school hols. This week will be different though. Also I feel like you that drinking doesn't have the same appeal. I was able to stick to 1, 2 or 3 drinks max for that 10 days and have at least half the days AF.
So for the past 10 days I've only had one day hungover. But I often feel hungover/foggy/slightly headachy/tired due to the bac alone or bac and moderate drinking.
Like you say, none of this is an easy ride. Just like my 20 year journey in and out of AA!!

Can't give you any tips about the lesbian thing sorry and I don't think hubby could either?!


Have a great day. Might copy and paste my responses to my thread.

Cheers
Sticky

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

That edit makes me sad, Sticky! :H

The thing about the modding and the nearing the switch is at some point you're going to have to make a decision or you're not going to even know if you're at the switch. And it's not a commitment to anything, it's just a choice.

One night if you don't feel like drinking, give not drinking a shot (so to speak). And maybe the next night, too. If it really is effortless, then you're at the switch.

This story is buried on my thread at this point, so I'll recap: I didn't think the switch itself was a real definite moment, sort of. I was at a party and I went crazy with a bottle of absinthe, then got really really high, then drank a bunch of bourbon, then ended up in the ER with the mother of all panic attacks.

So I guess you could say the next day I didn't really feel all that much like drinking. But it wasn't until about a week later that I realized I hadn't drank in a week.

Then when I did go out with some friends I still didn't feel like drinking. I was at this restaurant and ordered a diet coke, but when I came back from having a smoke there was a margarita waiting for me. I was really nervous--like super nervous--but didn't want to make an awkward big deal about it, so I just sipped it slowly over the entire course of dinner. On the bus home I realized that I actually didn't want anything else to drink.

I got nervous because there was booze here, and thought I'd be done for as soon as I saw it, but when I got home I started doing something else and completely forgot about alcohol.

But I never would have figured out I was at the switch if I hadn't had that one moment/day of not drinking in the first place. Granted, in my case I needed a big freaking slap across the face from fate or whatever, but I'm kinda slow and dumb that way. Hopefully your sign will be more subtle!

Anyway, I've probably got more to say but that's enough for now.

:l everyone.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

That was my experience too, Sticky.
I drank and drank and drank and ...
Then one rainy, cold February evening I didn't feel like stopping for beer on the way home from work. (I couldn't drink wine any more. It didn't taste good!) I thought I'd try not drinking for just one night. The thought didn't fill me with panic!
I woke up on Saturday morning, and figured I'd try it again. No commitment, mind you. Just trying it out, knowing that the store was open and I could change my mind. Six effortless days later, I decided that I was free, but I couldn't call it a switch. There wasn't an off-switch, it was a decision.

All that said, if you're having alcohol free days, and then you're still craving a drink, you're not there. But if you're having a glass or two (moderating) on a regular basis, you won't know... And booze, any amount of booze, makes the SEs much worse. (Doesn't it make everything worse?)

I think that maybe there isn't any such thing as "moderating" when it comes to recovery from alcoholism, at least with high dose baclofen. Because with baclofen, you're either still drinking against your will, or you're not. In other words, if you care about drinking, if you plan when and how and how much to drink, you aren't there yet.
If you don't care, if you find yourself ordering a diet coke and then sipping an accidental margarita, and you still don't care, THEN you're there. Or rather here. Indifference. Booze just doesn't matter any more.
You won't know, you can't find it, or see it or feel it, until you decide not to drink any more. Because the habit, the fear that keeps the habit in place, over rides even baclofen induced indifference.

Right?

I start a writing class today and I'm nervous as all hell. And have 782 other things going on, too. But I finally got a good night's sleep last night. (I didn't wake up until 5:30am. Much later than my recent 3am mornings!) Thank goodness, because I have been very tired and cranky and out of sorts. A good night's sleep makes it all seem a bit more manageable.

Thinking about you peeps! Will answer PMs etc later today. :l

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

It's just writing, Ne, jeez. So easy it's like not even an issue.

Nothing really to say this morning, except Jay-Z can go ahead and feel bad for me since I'm having girl problems.* And that same girl sent me a link to an article that a friend of a friend worked on. Apparently, LDB is now being studied as a treatment for autism and fragile X (a form of autism I'd never heard of).

Just thought I'd add it to the collective knowledge here, since it doesn't seem quite relevant enough to anything to add to the Information Thread:

New targeted drug for treating fragile X syndrome, potentially autism, is effective

* Jay-Z's "http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwoM5fLITfk[/video]]99 Problems."**

**Explicit, possibly offensive lyrics.

[windycitylady]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I was going to multi-quote, but I'm too lazy.
Stuck, you said that you wouldn't have realized that you hit the switch until you had a day (following a helluva night) where it was pretty much impossible for you to drink.
Ne, you said that it wasn't an off-switch. It was a decision.
I think I would have quit much earlier had I given myself a chance to try an AF night or two. I guess until I took the AB, I didn't realize how much of an effect the bac was having. But the popular wisdom here was to drink all the way up, and suddenly one day you won't want a drink at all. I guess that this is kind of what happened for you guys, but I don't think we can discount the power of habit and the power of fear. Like you say, Ne, you must make a decision to try that first AF night. And the next. And the next. I was too used to buying the vodka every night and too scared to try a night without it. I think a lot of people who haven't "hit the switch" are in that boat. They're not waiting to experience a drastic reduction in cravings. They're waiting for the bac to slap the bottle out of their hands. (This is not about you personally, Sticky. I'm not trying to be offensive.) I think that it's important to try AF nights on the way up on bac to gauge the effect it's having.

Ne, YOU'RE nervous about taking a writing class?! That's like me saying I'm nervous about taking a cigarette smoking class!

Stuck, I've been listening to a lot of Jay Z lately, and 99 Problems is my motherf**king jam!!! And because ladies is pimps too, I'm gonna go on and brush my shoulders off.

Hang in there, Stuck. I'm rooting for you.

Sticky, it sounds like you're getting there. Keep trying your experiments. See what's working for you and what's not. And try an AF night every once in a while and see how it makes you feel.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Thank all that is holy for the intewebs. But alas, after 3 1/2 straight days holed up in my apartment, I must venture forth into the real world and actually accomplish some things.

Wish me luck, folks, it's a scary place out there in Southern California. Very bright and sunny...

[redhead77]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Good luck, Mr. Stuck (that rhymes ). I thought of you the other day. I had an education day. I have to sit and listen to people lecture on different topics that pertain to what I do. It was difficult to say the least. I kept falling asleep. I sat in one of the front rows on purpose, hoping that would help keep me accountable to staying awake (I had an education day a few months ago on HDB and it was also difficult). But no, it didn't happen. No matter how much coffee I drank. I warned my coworkers that I can't sit in a class for any length of time (ADD) and to elbow me if they saw me fall asleep. They had to nudge me, a number of times. Today one was still talking about it. She thought it was cute; I was rather horrified. It's rude to fall asleep during a lecture (especially when you know the people giving it). I'll admit they did a terrible job of making it interesting (which we talked about today too) but that's no excuse to fall asleep. I remembered how you talked about how tough it was for you during your class this past summer, even though I know you actually wanted to be there.

Luckily, I don't have to sit in a class very often these days. I'm thinking that may change in the future, and by then, I hope I'll be ready to taper down signifigantly. The somnolence is tough to handle in this situation. I'm used to it for what I'm doing in life now, but sitting and concentrating on anything hasn't been required of me.

I just wanted to say how great I think you've done. Trying to work and function in academia while on HDB, couldn't always be easy. :l

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Egads, RedH, I don't envy you that educational day at all. But thanks for commiserating with me, as the class is going on right now, today, in fact. And yes, zoned right the hell out in the middle of it. I can't even tell what I'm doing--as in, what I would look like to the professor or other students. Because I think my movements just get really slow, then I have my head down toward my notebook but I'm pretty sure I'm still writing most of the time... Or staring straight ahead. It's just F-ed up.

Anyway... that's about all that's going on here. More and more paperwork SNAFUs, and now the office person who runs everything in the dept. is off for like the week, and I'm apparently missing a signature, and I've been hiding from everyone for far too long, so now have to email a whole bunch of professors and really get my act together... Sheesh. It's not that long ago that a little liquid courage would be just the thing. Too bad that doesn't work anymore. :upset:

Hope we're all doing well out there. You hang in as well, Windy. Pimpin' ain't easy, and I'm rooting for you, too.

:l

[windycitylady]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Stuck, I'm a piece of shit for not saying this earlier, but good luck with the stories. I like reading about your day-to-day life so much, but I rarely comment on it for some reason.

Work (school?) sounds very intense for you right now. I'd rather have one huge challenge to deal with instead of a million smaller things which is what it sounds like is happening to you. As far as dealing with somnalence in a classroom situation...ugh. Gross. When I was in similar situations, I would write. Anything. Usually poems I had memorized or song lyrics. Anything to keep my hand moving and my brain semi-engaged.
You never ended up trying the piracetam (is that what it's called?), did you? I've always been intrigued by that stuff. There's also something called Choline Cocktail that you can buy from Vitamin Shoppe. It's got caffeine along with a bunch of B vitamins that are supposed to enhance cognition and stuff. It's not a weird energy drink. I think it's made by TwinLabs and has been around forever. Might be worth a shot.
Well, best of luck to you this week. When will you find out if the stories have been accepted?

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Not doing so hot, peeps. Sometimes I think I'm OK and just stressed out and I'll get through it, and then sometimes I feel like there's just no freaking future and I'll never be able to finish school or get a job or find someone to be with whom I actually want to be with and it's all totally fucked, and then other times I just hate these pills.

I don't even know what it is. I started a post about blaming all the things it could be, but that's just throwing blame around. But I'm all over the map. Things with the girl back home suddenly turned romantic, on her end, and that's bad. Shouldn't have slept with her. Shouldn't have called up last summer's whiskey girl out of the blue and slept with her, though thank all of Christendom that appears to be going nowhere. Doesn't matter either way that I hung out today with the grad school girl, except that she seems to be pursuing something with some other guy and I find that irritating, because I was fixing to sleep with her again in a minute.

Then there's a teensie bit of drinking. And TV on Netflix. Man, I do not need TV on Netflix. I was up until 3 AM this morning, stone sober, in bed with my laptop. Fortunately, the universe seems to have broken my Xbox for good this time, or at least for good enough, and I'm not taking it in again to get it fixed. Mostly because it's a 3 hour round trip to the nerd-den that fixes it.

But it's seriously bare-minimums here in StuckLAnd.



So OK whatever. I just bought both Florence + The Machine albums, so I'm no longer at the mercy of YouTube and Pandora, and I have a stupid proposal to revise oh-yet-a-f*kcing-gain before the morning time.

And one more thing for you, Windy:

A Speculative List Of Jay-Z?€™s 99 Problems | Thought Catalog

Thanks for being out there, everyone. :l:l:l


EDIT for the PS: I did try Piracetem, and I'm not sure I noticed an appreciable difference. The other thing is that now I apparently have to watch the B vitamins, as my levels are too high. Yeah, I know, and yeah, I need to figure out WTF is up with that. But from what I've found out so far, you can't overdo vitamin b in food but the B6 that's found in vitamin supplements doesn't flush out of your system the same way. So, while it's not like I've been pounding vitamins and supps or anything, I guess it's enough to put my levels too high. And that's the most recent theory on what's going on with the leg pain. Joy.

[Bruunhilde]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Feel pretty similar Stuck. Advice I'm giving self is always plan on the positive outcome. Get stuck on each of them. Thoughts become things. I'm beginning to believe I killed two plants and maybe my beloved cat with my thinking this year. And I'm saying this sober...

Hang in there and expect the grand thing to happen. :goodjob: