Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[joanna_d]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

:H
you are expected in my household you silly Stuck. i've been saving up dishes and laundry for you, and when time comes, i shall call thee Lucy. and you could sow me some nice orange pants, and floating robes an stuff to finally get me back into the meditation that i'm preaching over here.

of course she dismissed it, you goofy. if you are actually so sweet and touching as you present it here, there's no woman that wouldn't be moved.
which it weren't a woman involved with someone else for you. could it there be there's an attraction to you in an unavailable woman? would fit the addction pattern maybe... or maybe i'm just an psycho babble asshole right now.

anyway, love to you cutie pie :l

[Sticky]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Stuck

Glad to hear you didn't stuff up things with the bartender. At least she has an idea you are keen?! I'm guessing the 60-yr-old bf must be old enough to be her Dad or even Granddad, so don't give up....esp if he is still technically married.

Glad the exam is over. My last uni exams were back in the 80's but by God I used to stress over them. If I didn't get an A or a B I felt like I was such a failure. As if anyone cared afterwards. In fact b/c I didn't want to be a teacher and had no idea what I wanted to do, my degree was often more of a hindrance than a help. I don't regret doing it, though. There's been some publicity here lately about doing a qualification that actually leads to a specific role. Back then you could get away with it. Or, like hubby, you could leave school at 15 with no qualifications but a strong work ethic and be successful. Not any more!

You can probably tell, but I'm on here after drinking. Have had a rough coupla weeks on bac trying to go from 140 to 150, not being able to sleep much, then getting depressed. Then got prescribed melatonin, which made things worse. Now I have 4 sleeping pills/ fortnight and have just taken a half for the past few nights. Couldn't stay at 150 - had to go back down to 140 due SE's.

Am tired of the mental and physical struggle but not ready to give up yet.

Happy silly season to everyone

Cheers
Sticky

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Alright so I did spend eight hours at the bar yesterday, but four of those were working my online job, and I did drink but only three beers right at the end. So in the middle of the afternoon the bartender, who was doing her manager-stuff, pulled up a chair and sat there talking with me for a long time... like maybe an hour, two? Really random stuff. Christmas decorations, which led to why she doesn't like Christmas, which then led to where she's from and all these jobs she had when she was younger. That was nice. Or maybe she's just laying the groundwork or our green card marriage. :H

[EDIT: Although I can say that after those couple beers I went home, went straight to bed, fell asleep and didn't wake up until about 10 this morning and it was wonderful, in a way. I hadn't been sleeping well the last little while, mostly (all) due to booze and then also not having booze. Well anyway, the night's sleep was really nice.]

Sorry you're not feeling well, Sticky. I'm glad you're hanging in there, though. Trying to sleep is really tough, I know. I stayed in the 130-150 range for a long time, and I was drinking like a fish. It's not fun. So sending lots of positive thoughts your way! :l

Well, I guess I'm off to do whatever it is I'm doing today... Online job and Xbox? Oh I think so, yes. And staying at home today...

[TexasAg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck, how's it going?

Haven't heard from you and just wanted to make sure you're head hadn't blown up from too much video games or you weren't in some foreign country meeting the in-laws.

Cheers!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Tex, thanks so much for checking in. I know there's so much going on on the threads, so it's easy to forget about lil' ol' me, seeing as how I'm almost off bac and drinking again and therefore not much use to our collective project of effortless sobriety.

But to give you a bit of an update on how I'm doing, I'll say that tonight I went down to the bar to grade some papers. And I graded them, and then I finished grading and put them away, and then suddenly it was almost 11 o'clock and I couldn't believe it. So I bought a drink for one of the guys, and then a bit later he bought one for me, and then I cashed out my tab and thought I'd best be going. Which is the point where the bartender looked at me and mouthed "don't go," and so I didn't go. She poured a drink and put it in front of me and wouldn't let me leave, as she didn't want this other creepy guy to take my seat. But we talked, or rather she talked, for quite a long time and now I know a whole lot about her family and where she grew up and why she's so worried about going back to school.

That went on way longer than it should have, but I think what really struck me tonight is the way I acted against my own best interest. I don't know how it happened but I walked out of the bar on my way home, and I gave this guy a cigarette as I was passing the Mexicans selling hot dogs, and I kept on going even as I heard him trying to basically beg for a hot dog. So I looked in my wallet and all I saw was fives, and I took one of them and walked back and gave it to the guy, saying get yourself a hot dog. He held it for a second before pushing it back toward me, and he told me the woman was going to feed him for free, so don't worry about it.

Had I been sober I never would have stopped in the first place, whether I was sober on bac or not, or at the very least I would have thought that's fantastic and taken my five dollars back. I'm fucking broke. But instead I just said keep it. And we shook hands, and I found out that he's from my neighborhood, and I mean my neighborhood in Chicago. It's one of those moments where you can't do more than shake a man's hand and pull him in to a hug and slap him on the shoulder, and then say take care, but damn those moments seem to mean so much.

Not sure but I guess what I'm saying is that it's silly to think of bac or AL at this point, but I just know that I'm a self-entitled whiny bastard who thinks only of his own problems. Yet given enough to drink I'll... do what? Give a homeless guy five bucks? Argh. Even as I'm writing this I see how little it is, but perhaps it's at least something. And then I made my way up the hill and home.

So that's how I'm doing Tex. I haven't managed to meet the foreign in-laws yet, though I did ask her out on a museum-date. And I did sit talking with her for... I want to say five hours or so. And I'm not worried about that because most of those hours were spent working and not drinking. Regardless, and again not going with the spirit of this forum, I felt good and happy and talking with her while I work was calming and seeing her pull her hair back into a ponytail with a lock falling down over her nose was like something from a dream I once had when I read anime comics as a teenager. And I took hold of her hand when I said good night and she didn't pull away, and for now, for now, that's enough I think.

Good night everyone. I wish you all the best of whatever it is you're looking for. Hugs n' such.

:l

[TexasAg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Morning Stuck,

This girl sounds hypnotic. Careful, I married my "bartender" girl 22 years ago and she still rules my heart. The dreams of Texas sound promising! Buddy, you know you've got a place to stay if you're ever in these parts. How did the museum date go?

Giving the 5 bucks is a big deal buzzed or sober. Well really not the money but the selfless thought. I've heard people say that your true self comes out when your drunk but I can't believe that. In my younger days, my bingeing would bring out a softer side. I even got out of a car and ran across the top of a bridge coming back from Mexico one night to give a poor family some money because I was moved with compassion. I would also feel closer and the need for God after drinking. It was usually the night after an all night drink and other stuff binge. I would be rocking myself in a fetal position when this selfless surrender feeling would hit. It got to where I didn't think I could connect spiritually unless I was hungover and feeling empty. I believe this is a lie, a myth, that alcohol helps connect to our emotional, sensitive side. I think I'm a generous, compassionate person without alcohol. Would I have run across the bridge to give the family money if I was sober, maybe not. But not because I'm not compassionate, more likely because it's 2am, there's drunk drivers everywhere and it's Mexico for pete's sake. Alcohol just made me throw caution to the wind.

My cell phone alarm just rang to tell me it's time to take my Bac. I use to struggle with the thought of accepting I can't control my drinking. I use to struggle with the thought of having to attend a meeting daily for the rest of my life (still can't accept). And I struggle with the thought of having to take 5 or 6 pills a day for the rest of my life because there's something not right in my head. But I've been taking them. And now I can look my 23 year old daughter in the eye when I talk to her. I can tell my 17 yr old son to be careful driving without feeling like a hypocrite.

It's still early, but I'm learning and looking forward to seeing how life is sober. I can say the learning curve sucks. I'm also looking forward to connecting with God while standing (kneeling is ok too!). I'm also looking forward to seeing what other God-given talents I missed because of alcohol.

Positive vibes being sent west at this moment.

Cheers!

[Bruunhilde]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Ag! Thanks for an inspiring post.

Stuck-thanks for the well writ latest install.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Alright. No need to feel like persona non grata. Though every time I think about writing here, I find I have only one thought.

Why?

I'm not even talking about the bac.

The why I'm referring to lies elsewhere. And I'll tell you what it prompted in me. I started looking at my life and looking for this one thing: Where are the places I have accepted as good enough? And are they actually good enough? Some are just good enough. Some are good enough because I don't really care about them. I found some, though, that I've accepted as good enough that just plain aren't good enough. They have to go. Because somehow and someway they don't measure up. (Don't worry. Ed and Goose made the cut. )

What's with this girl? Why is she good enough to have you hanging around for years? Reminds me of a guy I met here who was convinced that some women are witches and men fall under their spells. Which might be true! But the spell is usually in the guy's mind, and he creates all kinds of stories to keep it going. ALL kinds of romantic/scary/fairy tale fluff. Ain't nothin' fluffy about old fairytales, though. They all suck, and the endings usually are not "and they lived happily ever after." just sayin

One last thing. (I know. Sorry. I'll stop.) (soon.) You know what they say about firefighters and police officers, right? (Other than the fact that they are HOT. Which is too often true. Even when they're not. anyhoo...***) They are into saving people. (Duh.) Seems a bit to me like someone needs a knight in shining fire-retardant pantaloons.
Could be me, if I don't get off my butt and get something (anything!) done today. But g. damn, that is not going to be easy. 'cause I just don't f*ckin' feel like it. But what're you going to do? *sigh* It's almost 3pm. I guess I'll get in the shower.

EDIT: ***And which you most certainly are. You're welcome. It's true. Hottie.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I've got a couple more things.

First of all, I spent all day yesterday online wasting time. (Or at least it feels that way.) I started with my ol' standby the New York Times. (Yep. I'm that kind of a nerd.) I ended up here: BuzzFeed Top 20 viral

Please someone, for the love of all good things, post some links to good mindless and funny stuff that is not that...effin' stupid. Please. Help a girl out.

We have discovered The Misfits. It was probably cool 5 years ago. But whatever. I LOVE them. I am going to have to stop harboring my secret antipathy of Brits and British things. (Ok. That is a JOKE. For our beloved Murphy in particular. Who has a lovely accent and is also hot. When he's not pissing me off. Maybe 2013? Maybe 2014? We'll see.)

What was the third one? It was important, I think. Dang it. *sigh* Later...

And WCL, where the f*ck are you? (sorry Tag and others for the profanity. I do like to swear. Please don't hold it against me too much.)

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Why is it every time you post here it has something to do with needing a shower, Ne? :H I'm sure I'll get into the whys soon, both here and in the usual soul-searching way. Maybe it is about rescuing, or just setting up something that's impossible so I don't have to worry about anything that is possible.

And what's good enough? I don't know that either. I know that I've made it this far, and felt like I was just floating along here in a place where there isn't really any work involved, and if you just did basically what you were supposed to do then you'd pass. Only to find out this morning that a friend just failed 2 of her 3 exams--the ones I did last year and knocked out of the park, from what I was told. Sucks for her, but did put some things into perspective for me... Anyway, what am I doing... Lots of big changes to my project, and I'm not quite sure how everything fits together anymore, but that'll work out somehow. Hmmm, and what else? Writing isn't going so well or that much at all, but it's about to be the winter break so.... either I'll get a lot done or nothing done.

I know that just answered absolutely nothing. But I can say that Windy's doing well last I heard, just having internet issues more than anything. And time/energy issues.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Really what I want to know is whether or not you've seen The Misfits and what you think. And also, what're some good websites for entertainment?

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I have not seen The Misfits like in concert or anything, but friends of mine were really into them in high school, and their songs are appearing pretty regularly on my Pandora station right now. Have you checked out Bikini Kill and Screaming Females? You might like them if you're in a punky mood.

As for entertainment, geez. You'd think I'd be better at the internet than I am, given how much time I spend on it. There's always I Can Has Cheezburger? - Lolcats n Funny Pictures - funny pictures - Cheezburger. And let's see... If you want to see what you're missing by not going out partying there's Texts From Last Night. [EDIT: TFLN is like crack for me. I have to use all my self-control not to spend way too much time on it and post almost every one of them on my friends' Facebook walls.]

Better yet, ACADEMIC COACH TAYLOR HAS SOME ADVICE FOR YOU and Feminist Ryan Gosling.

And then my fav: HenriLeChatNoir - YouTube. [EDIT Again: my own chat noir is very unhappy that I'm spending so much time typing. ]

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Nah. I meant the tv show The Misfits. It's about a group in waddayacallit? Community service or something and they all get really weird/random super powers. (One chick has something that anyone who touches her wants to...do her. Very dysfunctional. Super love it.

I'll check out the stuff next playday thanks!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

What exactly are you spending all your time online doing? Don't answer that.

[joanna_d]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

it can be quite a comfy place, just around the corner from were you believe happiness is. being able to peak through your curtains and dreaming of what it could be like over there.
longing can be comfy place.

(yeah that's that dutch woman again. probably high or somethin' )