Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Jumping Jews for Jesus, people. O. M. G. I got wrecked at the bar last night, chit-chatting with the bartender, and the when I got to the liquor store to pick up bourbon I also got string cheese, a package of hot dogs, and a can of Spam. So then I'm pacing my living room, eating the hot dogs cold, and texting about pornography with the woman who wants to have my baby. Oy.

So I unfortunately can't take credit for all the not-sexy-stuff I wrote last night. That's mostly from a film by the philosopher Slavoj Zizek, A Pervert's Guide to Cinema, and also then from the David Foster Wallace short stories that my class read this semester. I totally didn't plagiarize in front of them yesterday, though, even as anxious-y and feeling fucked up as I was, I gave credit to my sources. Not that they'll remember.

So I'm on the bus now, 1/2 hour late to class already, sipping my coffee from my travel mug that I carry with me at all times. And there's bourbon in the coffee, which there usually never is, and I've got my flask in my bag. Just FYI, I guess. I sometimes think people might get the suspicion that I'm an alcoholic, because I have this travel mug in my hand so much that it looks like I'm hiding booze, if you're looking for that kind of thing, but I'm totally almost never not.

I'm at 60mg/day... Though I think I may have missed my last 20 last night. It's treating me OK but not great. Some foggy-headedness and afternoon sleepiness. And a couple nights of rough sleeping. Mostly I blame booze/lack of booze for the insomnia, but I also recognize some of the overnight panic that's completely bac. Guess I probably ought to keep going up, but we shall see.

Oh, and it's balls-blazingly hot here. So I'm certain that that's not doing wonders for my incognito drinking-day. I'll just say I started early for Cinco de Mayo. Everyone in my neighborhood will understand. Hope everyone's having a good one! :l:l

Oh, and BTW I do agree with most of that stuff about sex. As Zizek has said, "In Derridean terms, sex is the condition of both the possibility and impossibility of love." And that sounds about right.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Fuuuuuuuuuck. Completely forgot that my professor is having us over to his place for dinner tonight.

[redhead77]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

StuckinLA;1500370 wrote:


I'm at 60mg/day... Though I think I may have missed my last 20 last night. It's treating me OK but not great. Some foggy-headedness and afternoon sleepiness. And a couple nights of rough sleeping. Mostly I blame booze/lack of booze for the insomnia, but I also recognize some of the overnight panic that's completely bac. Guess I probably ought to keep going up, but we shall see.


Don't be a pansy, Stuck. Maybe try some modafinil or something before you decide you aren't going to go higher. You can order it from River pharmacy. It's expensive, but incredibly helpful to some people. There's also stimulants. I won't tell you to fake ADD, but who knows? Maybe you have it a little, anyway. Get creative and don't give up (not that I have it all figured out, but at least I've tried just about everything). Also, I'm trying the liquid baclofen right now. I have to say, I'm really liking it. Maybe give that a try too.

StuckinLA;1500427 wrote: Fuuuuuuuuuck. Completely forgot that my professor is having us over to his place for dinner tonight.

Good luck at dinner with your Prof. Don't be hitting on the flask too hard, ya hear?? :l

Hello Taw!!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, RedH. Glad you're still around! Even if it's to call me out.

Dinner was not cool. Not cool at all. I did not hit the flask before hand. I showed up to class an hour late and a little drunk, and sat there sweating and anxious in a very small room in the Special Collections section of the library, and it was only me and this Asian undergraduate sophomore, who I believe is the professor's girlfriend, which is awkward, since he's in his 60s. And then he was talking about Chaucer and weird shit, so that didn't go so well.

Then he said he'd give me a ride if I didn't mind hanging out with him and the 19 year old girl for a while. No thank you. And I did have to go to the bar where I took my students yesterday, because I'd forgotten to take the itemized receipt, and of course while I was there I had two beers. Then it was like a three train trip out to his place. And holy God, the anxiety. I was like 40 minutes late, but then another student got there just after me. And among the five of us I thought I was about to drop dead right there. Like feeling super shitty. Went out to smoke, thought about making a run for it, went back in, barely held it together, can't believe I was able to speak much less sound almost intelligible. No one seemed to notice. Snuck an Ativan, went out to smoke, thought about making a run for it, went back in and sat down to dinner.

The food was really good he'd made rissoto and also mac n' cheese with homemade bow-tie noodles. And even with the Ativan on board my hands were shaking and I thought each moment was my last. Had two glasses of wine. Then went to the bathroom, where I used the mirror to stare into the utter abyss of my soul and prayed for God to forgive me my sins, then went for a smoke, thought about making a run for it, and went back inside to sit through the post-dinner, pre-dessert conversation. Believed I was finally realy done for, and that blood vessels in my brain were going to simple pop like a blown-out lightbulb. And in that interminable conversation, waited for a tactful moment to excuse myself. Which never really came because they kept involving me directly in the conversation, and one of them, may she be struck down by lightning or swallowed whole by an earthquake, is a first-year grad student, so she kept asking me about the program and for advice about navigating coursework and the exam processes. Finally I gave up, and excused myself, apologizing to the 19 year-old Asian that I'd be missing her blueberry crumble.

Felt immensely better as soon as I got out the door. Took a train and two buses to get home, and now feel safe and secure. But it's good that I was there. I could tell it meant a lot to him.judging by his memoir, the fact that he doesn't drink now, and what I know about him, he's an anxiety-ridden, panicky alcoholic just like us. And with so many people bailing on the dinner invite, it's good that I went. Just like it's good that I went to his reading at the bookstore way the fuck up in the valley a few weeks ago. Which, by the way, also involved dinner at his place and riding with him and his 19 year-old Asian both ways. Oh, the hell. But did I mention he's also on my dissertation committee? Yes, he is, and my future rests in his hands God help me.

:l:l

[TexasAg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Damn Stuck, I got anxiety just reading your post.

I'm glad you made it through o.k. but those type of evenings would make me go crazy. But perhaps your prof sees a little of himself in you, which is good and bad.

The important thing is you're still striving, but I also like Red's take :H.

Cheers and be careful this weekend, it's Cinco de mayo (which btw isn't really a celebrated mexican holiday )

Cheers and :l !

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

So it's totally cool that it's a quarter after four in the afternoon and I'm just sitting around my apartment naked, right? Normal people do that, yes? I mean, I just ordered like $250 worth of groceries online, for delivery tomorrow, and not even that much of the two-fifty is booze. So I'll have food here yay!

OK, so I might have told a teensy white lie last night, in that I wasn't at home when I was posting. I was safe and secure, though, but it was at the bar. I probably shouldn't have continued drinking, but hey, that's what I do. When I got off the bus it was almost 10pm, and I ran into Hot Bartender on the street corner. So naturally... She asked if she could have a smoke, and I reached into my pocket for one, but she was like "no, I don't really want a whole one, can I just have some of yours?" So we stood outside the bar chatting, and sharing a smoke, and holy goddamn does she look good. And it was nice to stand talking with her for a bit and sharing that cigarette, and while it probably didn't mean all that much to her, it felt pretty intimate.

So then I went in and sat down by the bartender. The thing was, though, that I was texting both whiskey-girl here in LA and the grad school girl I sleep with sometimes and the girl back near home who doesn't really anymore want to be my baby-momma. And for some reason I was posting like mad here, so let's just say I was on my phone quite a bit. By the time I'd had two rounds, the bartender actually made fun of me for not looking up from my phone--but she did say it kind of hurt-like, and it was sort of like an admonishment. And so I had to stop and put all that away and try to speak with her whenever she had a spare moment. Eventually she leaned over against the bar and said "I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever." And I melted a little bit inside.

Oh, and then yes I did play "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" by The Proclaimers on the jukebox. And I did tell her it was for her. "I would walk five hundred miles and I would walk 500 more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door." ((blush))

So then I woke up at like 7:30 this morning, and that was terribly annoying. But so here's the fun part: whiskey-girl started texting this morning while she was at work. And she's coming over tonight after she goes out with her friends and after I'm done watching the hockey game. And, well, it's just getting pretty difficult to not want this to continue. Like, my first instinct is to give y'all fair warning to skip ahead if you're offended, and then give a direct quote from this one text she sent this morning. But my better nature is about to prevail, and spare you the details. Suffice it to say that it was about how she thinks we need to find "a third," as in another woman to consistently have around, and a graphic--graphic--description of what she wants us to do with this woman.

That didn't quite melt me in the same way the bartender did, but I'm sure you can imagine. So at least I have groceries coming. And the semester is thank-all-that's-holy over, except for grading final papers next week. Plenty of time now to hang out at home naked, watch hockey playoffs, and keep doing the bac-thing while starting to write a couple things before this summer gets too out of control.

Tex: I know the Mexicans don't really celebrate Cinco de Mayo, but they sure do go big for it at the bar. I mean, they're Mexicans, but I think they're more like alcoholics than anything, so any chance to have beer, tequila, and margarita specials is celebrated.

Reg: Thanks for the book recommendation. I will for sure check it out. Really.

Oh, and just got an email from the bartender: she got her citizenship thing sorted out! I'm very happy for her, even though this means now that she's not going to be forced into marrying me for a green card.

:l

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

A little too much bravado in that last post? Yeah, too much for my liking as well. And I can only imagine how annoying for most of you to listen to me gleefully dive off the deep end, or from the frying pan into the fire, or really choose your own cliched metaphor. Anyway, probably going to text whiskey-girl for a rain check, or at least to let her know that whatever happens I need to have a low-key evening.

My last drink was sometime around 11 this morning. And now here I am watching the hockey game. And believe me, the irony of sitting in a bar, in AL withdrawal, and drinking a club soda is not lost on me. I also cancelled the AL portion of my grocery order, and that was a quick way to save $75. You know, beer and whiskey would've been one thing, but buying a handle of vodka is, for me, code for giving up. Have taken 60mg so far today, leaving plenty of time to go up to 80 tonight before bed.

And yes, RedH, I am planning on switching to the liquid. I just haven't checked to see if Lo0p's site is back up yet.

Regardless, hope everyone's having a good one out there. I'm sure I'll be posting more later on. :l

[windycitylady]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Love you, Stuck. With all my heart.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

May the Fourth be with you.

Windy! So good to see you. Love you right bac(k)

So groceries arrived not a moment too soon. I was SO HUNGRY. As in, yesterday my diet consisted of two tacos at the bar while watching the hockey game, because one of the deals is you get two free tacos, and then at about one in the morning another three tacos. So how did I end up there, at the taco truck on the corner, at one in the morning?

Oy, so I'm watching the hockey game, sitting at a table by myself instead of at the bar because of how the TV situation worked out, and during a commercial the bartender comes over. She says she didn't want to come over sooner because I was watching the game, but wanted to tell me, again, how happy she is about the immigration thing. And I'm super excited for her, and I kind of half stand up and she gives me a hug (which was amazing), and when I sit back down she puts her hand over mine on the table and gives this little squeeze while she finishes talking. Then she runs off and leaves me to watch the game. When the game ends, and my team won in decisive fashion like the badasses they are, I go over to stand by the bar for a minute--it's getting pretty busy by this point, as it's like nine o'clock. So I just want to tell her that I'm leaving, but one more time congrats and this is awesome, and ask about what's next, so she shows me the email on her phone, and then gives me another big hug. And, well, standing this time and no table in the way, it was AMAZING. I believe I've mentioned that she's rather well... endowed... right?

So I left the bar sober and feeling fairly back to alive. Around ten I took another 20mg, so I'm at 80/day now. When then in another hour whiskey-girl texts to say that she's outside, and is desperate to go to this dive bar in Koreatown that's her usual hangout. Well, fuck it. So I have two drinks, she has three, and then we stop for tacos, and when we get back here we together take out an entire bottle of Jim Beam. So there goes my initial plan of kind of easing off of this bender. C'est la vie.

But my lord, it might just be worth it. I'll try to spare you most of the details, but as we were working through that bottle, let's say maybe we were also looking at some porn on my computer. And, well then let's also say maybe that she's more convinced now than ever that we need this "third." And she then perhaps clicked away from the porn for a moment, to log into her account for this website that's--and this is not an exaggeration--a "facebook" for those in the S/M and BDSM lifestyles. And she just looks over and says "this is where we're going to find her." Yeah, OK, so that just happened. And then we banged like bunnies for the rest of the night while she said some of the dirtiest things I've personally ever heard, and she cleared out of here bright and early this morning. Perfection.

And I guess now I'm going to get started on this Cinco de Mayo thing down at the bar. The LA hockey team is playing tonight, my team plays tomorrow at noon, and I've got nothing going on. Except that school thing: there is still that long paper that I need to write. Hope everyone's having a good one! :l:l

[playland]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck:h

I'm keeping up with your thread just haven't had much time to post but think of you every day.

I keep thinking what a great job you have teach a few months ( I guess) and sit back the rest of the year and drink even more without worrying about going to class drunk, I wish you could take advantage of the great gig you have going:h:h think of all the really awesome things you could do in your life.


XXX

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Just because:

It's that kind of an evening, ya' know? So here is the video for Johnny Cash's cover of Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt." And you fucking need to watch it right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3aF9AJm0RFc[/video]]Johnny Cash - Hurt - YouTube

:l

[EDIT: Oh, man, that was kinda mean. But this is nice: here's the video for the song I played for the bartender the other night. Apologies for having to sit through the advertisement, but this is the one with the official video and it's worth it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbNlMtqrYS0[/video]]

]

[paulywogg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

hey stuck,ive read your whole entire thread over a few days,its a pretty cool read actually

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Pauly, and thanks, that's really wonderful to hear. Glad you've enjoyed it.

So I might be watching cheesy movies tonight, after going to the bar as soon as I woke up, and taking advantage of the Cinco de May specials maybe, and then after being kind of stumbly-drunk already by the time Hot Bartender got off work and sat down to drink. So even though I bought her a drink, and was introduced to her hot, hot friend, I had to come home to take a wee nap.

And now then that it's late, and I'm awake and nearly out of booze, well, well I might just be watching Pirates of the Caribbean. Don't ask. It's something about seeing Johnny Depp in the music video that I posted, and thinking for some reason that pirates are cool. So anyway, if you remember, there's one moment in that movie when Geoffrey Rush speaks some of the truest lines ever spoken:

"For too long I've been parched with thirst and unable to quench it. Too long I've been starving to death and haven't died. I feel nothing... not the wind on my face nor the spray of the sea, nor the warmth of a woman's flesh."

Hope everyone's having a good one. :l:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

*sigh*

grrrr

hmmmmmmmm

wtf stuck.

:l

That's all I've got, lucky for you.

[bleep]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

That Johnny Cash version of the song has to be one of my all-time favourites.