Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[redhead77]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Good luck with your labs today. I just had a panel drawn on myself a few weeks ago. I'm always worried they'll find something wrong. So you'll be talking to the doctor today? I'm not sure what she put you on, but you did mention that it was a lot of beta blocker. Maybe she'll adjust that some after you talk with her. It sounds like you could use a little bit of beta blocker to start, maybe. They're also used to help manage some peoples' anxiety. It's good you have a b/p machine at home. I was going to suggest that! Does this one take your heart rate too? That's the other thing a beta blocker will lower.

It kind of surprises me that she did start you on a high dose. But since I don't know what it is, and I'm not going to ask (since I wouldn't want to give you medical advice on here) maybe it's not quite as much as you think?

Kudos to you for trying to get all these things sorted out for your health! Let us know what she says and what happens. :l

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Stuck, sorry I havent been here for a few days and didnt know about the bp thing. Have you started taking the beta blockers yet, they are also given for anxiety so they may even help you with the withdrawal and sleep as well as the bp, the good thing about that is that people with normal bp get them for anxiety so its not going to cause you any harm taking the even if your bp does go down.

Well done on the not drinking, your biggest challenge is going to be what it always has been really tho and thats lifestyle changes, youve been pushing your body to the limit for a pretty long time now and you could use this as a wake up call to change. Can you think of one little thing that you wouldnt mind starting or giving up right now that is likely to stick, Im a really crap one to talk because I still dont do it but do you remember the mango you didnt know how to eat :H try another one.

Are you still taking bac, are you ok or have the se's kicked in yet. Have you checked up about taking HDB while having high blood pressure, Ive got no clue but thats the problem with not having a doc to sort this out for you, does your doc know you take bac or cant you tell them about the drink because of that insurance thing there.

Take care

space x

[paulywogg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

jeez stuck,a 2 and 3 is my fave haircut,just buzz the mofo and off they go!

[bleep]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I'm a #4 man myself. I can never be bothered to change the attachment halfway through. The only problem with doing it yourself is the inevitable few stray hairs that you only notice a couple of days later, sticking up in random places. Makes for a very professional look.

[Juan BH]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I went with a 1.5 on the sides and finger length trim on top this time. I call it the classic whitewalls look. It does feel nice though with the warm weather here. It also cuts out all that grey hair that is accumulating on the sides of my head. If I didn't do this, I could end up looking like Mitt Romney. Damn bleep- I really need to try that. Maybe I could get the wife to do it for me. That would save me $15 a month!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

A week sober tomorrow. One of the few bright lights of stopping drinking, or smoking, or any comforting bad habit is the thought that no matter how bad it feels today, things now will start getting better each day instead of worse. But for me this time that's not the case.

I feel pretty good sometimes, but for almost all the other times I feel terrible. Can't sleep, wake in panic attacks after being out for 5 minutes or an hour, my legs at night are aflame, if fire were at the same time rough sandpaper. And I can go from feeling fine to gone instantly, like yesterday afternoon while having sushi with a friend. We were sitting and deciding on what to have, and then we ordered, and she was talking about school. Then suddenly, without warning or discernible reason, I disconnected. She was still right there across the table, talking, but we were separated as though by smoked glass. You know, the kind they use for shower doors, only instead of it being fun like she was in the shower and I was trying hard to catch a good look at her, I was trying to see her still because on her side it looked like she was alive and my side felt like the loneliness of death. And it lasted through dinner, through our aimless wandering among the shops of Little Tokyo, through sitting in one of the small courtyards as the evening sun lowered to an orange glow and I put my hand on her exposed thigh, and as she shifted to let me subtly massage her leg as we kept talking of school and the summer and the future.

After, at the bar then yesterday evening, I couldn't watch an entire hockey game; I was so overcome with fatigue I had to come home. And here began passing out watching the end of the game on my laptop. Tonight the same: at the bar, I took out a book, and feeling OK but the moment I tried to read a veil dropped down over me and I couldn't recover. Tried going outside for a smoke, tried talking with the bartender, but the damage had been done and I had to finish my club soda and leave, even as she was saying "no, stay, stay for at least a cranberry juice." Here I made dinner, and ate actually quite a bit of pasta with spaghetti sauce and broccoli, and watched some Rachel Maddow on the laptop but I passed right out there at the desk. Got myself up and in bed, and panic an hour later.

On about 100mg/day of bac, down from 120 two days ago. Trying to give 1200mg/day of neurontin a go, to see if that helps anxiety/depression/leg pain. I figured I'd finally just set it out in my pill box along with the bac, and every four hours really try it and see if, when taken consistently, it would help. So far no. And also now down to only 1/2 of an Ativan around bedtime--though tonight that panic-feeling came on while cooking dinner so I took it a little early. Well, early is a relative term. When you're about to pass out at the bar at 8, cooking dinner at 9, then dropping like a stone at your desk by 9:45 and dragging yourself into bed at 10, I guess I did take the Ativan around bedtime. Only to be sitting bolt upright in bed and looking desperately around the darkened room at 11. Not sure what exactly I was looking for though. For help? For an answer to some question I'd forgotten? For a reason that it feels this way?

Not that it's all doom and gloom. Yesterday I got up at 6 AM for no goddamned reason, and immediately made breakfast, did dishes, and had coffee while finishing an application for summer funding, sending that, and even starting on this teaching exercise that I'm submitting for possible publication in a book for beginning college instructors. Before then going to the gym. And today I didn't wake up as early, but finished and submitted the teaching thing as best I could in the fog-ishness that's going on. The writing is not up to my standards, and I probably should have sat on it for a while since it's not due until June 15, but it's one of those little things that I want out of the way, so that I can start working on a bigger thing tomorrow or Sunday. Then went in to have blood work drawn--which was super convenient, actually, given that I'm up in the middle of the night putting any damned munchable snack foods in my mouth, so the fasting actually hit 12 hours this afternoon when I was ready to go have that done. Grabbed a sandwich. And had the most lovely time sitting outside of a Starbucks with a coffee and a couple cigarettes, watching the college graduates and their families walking past, all dressed up, and listening to music on my headphones. Then went to the gym.

So there are ups, too, but not nearly as many as there should be--and saying this from past sober experiences. I'm ready to give up the drink. At least for the summer, and that might sound like a stupid goal but it's a goal nonetheless. I want to get back to being healthy, and beyond that get back to being in shape. And while I'm probably going to stick it out and see if this 3-way thing actually happens soon, I want to get this self-centered, alcoholic, more-than-enabling slutty whore out of my life. So that after plenty of gym and sober time this summer I can find, and attract, a better slutty whore.

It's kind of my style to end on that note, isn't it. So with that, good night friends. Have a good one out there, everyone. :l:l

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

:l

[playland]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Thinking of you Stuck and god those times of being disconnected and unbearably lonely are too much to bear, I'm pretty sure the neuron tin will help the overall pain but it is subtle, not like total relief just that things seem better. But I don't think it will help the leg thing from Bac, not sure tho, but just take it consistently, it doesn't take any effort if you want to stop taking it, just a very short taking it less period. You probably already know all that but it's just something I have taken in the past for chronic pain and it does help, not sure why I stopped taking it, maybe I will start again for my feet.

Have a good day Stuck

[playland]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck, looking for you, hope you managed the day tolerably well.
XXX

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I guess I should've been more clear about the disconnected/loneliness thing: it feels physical, and it's anxiety, but all thoughts seem crowded right out of my head by some kind of fullness, I guess is the best way to describe it, like my head's about to explode or I'm going to pass out and die. And yeah, I'm sure in those times my vitals are pretty high, but I also believe it's bac SEs as well. Because I don't get that shit when I just fucking white-knuckle sober up. In those times I start to feel fine after a few days, and even start sleeping after a week or so. So I just don't know. People around me don't seem to notice--the girl I was with at sushi didn't remark on anything out of the ordinary.

Also: bleep, I know there's simply no way to avoid those stray hairs. I used to get that all the time when I buzzed my own hair. The only thing you can do is go all out and shave it all off with a razor, and I did that too for a while.

So today my team lost early in the day and that definitely set the wrong f*cking tone for the day. I'm a member of this bookstore a couple of neighborhoods over, and they had some deal where a publishing company donated a bunch of books, so they were giving a free book to members today. So after the crushing hockey defeat and a shower, I caught the bus over to this bookstore. And I got a free book (my choice of a limited selection) and a free tote bag. Which was cool but it's like being in Vegas; it's simply impossible to quit while you're ahead. So I wandered around the store and spent 75 freaking dollars on books--that I only vaguely "need" and certainly don't have room for here.

Spent the entire afternoon in that neighborhood, walking around and spending money like a drunken sailor or a sober Stuck, which are about equivalent in terms of cash flow. Picked up an $11 magazine that's all about "10 ways to conquer procrastination" and "have your best brainstorm ever" and "creative bootcamp: 7 days to boost creativity" at a newsstand. Then a delicious coffee that wasn't cheap. Then went and saw The Great Gatsby. Ugh. I guess it would've been OK if I'd never read the book. But what a shitshow. Seriously--why, people? Why!?

Then tried to check on one of my friends who I used to be kind of close with over email last year and then wasn't anymore--she lives right around the corner from the aforementioned bookstore/newsstand/coffeehouse/movie theater and is very depressive. But the two times I walked over her car wasn't in her driveway. Caught the bus back, in poverty, and went to the bar. Watched some more hockey, the LA team lost, talked with the bartender, finished my nonalcoholic mango smoothie thing that she makes, that damned well should have alcohol in it--man, it would be the bomb with Bacardi in it--and without asking she set a cranberry juice down in front of me. So we got that settled from the other night, I guess. And let me tell you, a mango smoothie and a cranberry juice? It's like I was out of control tonight. Ugh.

Anyway, home now and about to Skype with one of my friends from back home--she knows all about me and bac and MWO, but doesn't know it's called MWO and doesn't know how to find my thread. She just calls it my sewing circle, and apparently she now wants me to think of a cool name for her on here. So I'm open to suggestions. But to the real point: she's out drinking with one of her girlfriends and isn't even home yet, so I'm gonna try to get some sexy-Skyping out of this, since I never texted whiskey-girl this weekend (yet, that'll probably be tomorrow since she'll still be house sitting and doesn't work Monday).

Wish me luck. :l:l

[EDIT: Boo-hiss. She never texted back. No sexy-Skype for Stuck. Instead, my lovely exGF called just now on her way home from work, and the conversation continued once she got home, and I was on the phone with her for an hour. Listening to... God, she can ramble on, I don't even know what she was talking about. Her work? And the fun she's having working at a bar and drinking, and hanging out at home on the back porch with her family, drinking, and some shit about her ex-husband, and drinking, and how the weather's getting nice so she's going to have a BBQ, where there will be lots of drinking, and then she talked about some of the dudes she's kind of seeing... and the conversation sort of went downhill from there. Grr. Two of my teams lost today. I spent too much money. I watched a shitty, shitty movie made from a book I really love. And then topped it all off with the exGF. Fuck. This. Day. In. The...]

[Juan BH]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Wow Stuck. That is a shitty day. It does sound like you're feeling a little better, no? I was thinking last about some of your recent symptoms and a lot of them reminded me of what my brother experienced recently when he quit taking suboxone. Then I thought about the rapid detox I did over a three day period down in the bay area and how a big part of that was replacing vitamins and minerals that were stripped out of my body. I know they were pumping b vitamins, folic acid and magnesium in my iv along with some sedatives. There is a whole nutritional aspect to this thing too and if you're interested hop on your chosen search engine to check it out... Tons of information out there and probably a lot here, too. Anyhow, good to see you posting again.

[MaryGoRound]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

My two cents...the general "not good" feelings are partially related to the Baclofen and it should pass. I also had better experiences "white knuckling" but I always went back to alcohol so that method doesn't seem to work for me. The other issue could be getting all the chemicals in your mind rebalanced.

I recently read a memoir about a women recovering from meth. It took her a year after being sober to realize she wanted to be sober. She had to get sober or go to prison. Once she was in a better place she could finally participate.

I won't pay to see The Great Gatsby. I loved the book. Could barely through the previews. It seem like a twisted version and not at all what I picture from the book.

Recently I pulled a really short story by Fitzgerld from the Internet called "The Lost Decade." It is about a guy who drops out of life for 10 years. The narrator assumes he has been on an expedition far from civilization. Actually he was in NY on a 10 year bender. When he comes "back" he has no recollection of the past 10 years. Fitzgerald had some interesting stories about alcoholism.

[chaos]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Yo Stuck, wassup?

How's Ativan WD...or you still popping it like candy...if so what's the daily dose..?

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

chaos;1507905 wrote: Yo Stuck, wassup?

How's Ativan WD...or you still popping it like candy...if so what's the daily dose..?

Hello there again, everyone. Going to take a break from the daily-diary-storytelling to explain something real quick, and then I'll be back around later tonight probably for a longer update.

Those of you who've been around a while already know this, but if you don't, there have been some trenchant, heated debates about benzos here in the past. And quite a bit of the trolling on MWO breaks down into 1) bac doesn't work (even though it does); 2) benzos are the work of Satan, or something. It got to the point that nobody really even speaks about benzos here anymore.

So I just want everyone to know that I am very aware of what I'm doing when I talk about my own benzo use, and naming Ativan specifically. For the record, I've never used any benzos at all before this February. I've never been into pills of any kind recreationally--they just were never my thing. But I have been using Ativan as I've described here on my thread.

And again, this is a conscious decision on my part, to add to the general record of knowledge/experience here on MWO.

So for those you all the way up in the cheap seats: for a while last month or even stretching back into March, I'd take 1mg of Ativan almost every morning after drinking, to stave off AL withdrawal until the afternoon, when I'd start drinking. I very rarely--almost never--took more than 1mg/day. And I never took 2 pills at the same time or anything like that. Then when I wasn't drinking I switched that to taking the 1mg toward the evening/night to try to get some sleep. I dropped that down to 0.5mg around bedtime last week. And stopped taking it entirely the night before last.

Whatever panics or night terrors or anxiety during the day that I've described here, well you're free to interpret that as you will. Ascribe it to Ativan use if you want, but I honestly have no idea--if it's bac SEs, AL withdrawal, rebound anxiety from the Ativan, or what. But you can read about my experience, and have an idea of what you might expect if you do what I've been doing. If you're really into pills or something, I obviously can't guarantee that your experience will be similar (well, couldn't guarantee that anyway...).

And to give this whole thing a frame of reference: in February I was prescribed 60 pills. I have about 8 of those left. I was prescribed 10 more two weeks ago, so if my math is correct I have 18 pills here, which would last me well over another month at 0.5mg/day. Currently I am not interested in taking them, nor do I feel the need.

[eiti]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Need some help

Your post was helpful. I will make a copy and read it often for inspiration. I feel so alone on this journey. I manage a couple of days a week without wine, and then one night I will have 3 to4 glasses. Your right, I can't moderate. Abstain is the only way. I live in Israel and AA is not abundant. i really need to speak with someone on a daily basis. Any ideas?