Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[Sticky]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Stuck

Well done on not drinking and 1000 posts. I enjoy reading them all!

Cheers
Sticky :l

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Man, I have been crashing out these last two days or so, right around 10 or 11. Tonight, I don't even think I would've woken again until morning (maybe? fingers crossed?) if my exGF hadn't called at fucking midnight. But she did, and the ringing phone was like the Reaper tapping at my shoulder--worse, actually, more like this one time in high school when I finally, finally fell asleep at about 6:30 in the morning with a head full of acid, only to find 15 minutes later my mother waking me and saying something about how we'd planned on shopping or church or some shit that day. Terrifying.

Anyway, so I got to wake up just now, and hear about how after a month of silence she talked to the dude she started seeing after me. And then, worse, about this guy that she's starting to maybe kind of date now, and how he's a good guy and there might be some sort of potential for a like relationship there. But it's all in the feeling-out stages still, because there are fucking feelings n' shit. And how this dude is more worried about me than the other guy she was sort-of-seeing. Whatever the fuck that means. And how she's torn between wanting this, a relationship, and growing up and moving on, and wanting at the same time to still be her old self, and then she mentioned, apropos nothing, wanting to bang some dude because his dick is pierced. Awkward.

The only thing that's for sure is she definitely wants nothing to do with me. Except calling every other night around midnight or 1 AM. Maybe one of these nights I should do some of the talking... That'll go over well.

And it was a long damned day today, too. Up early, as is my wont lately. And running out of smokes forced me out of the apartment much--much--earlier than I'd've liked. So I was on campus by 11:30, and drinking way too much coffee, and reading. So I at least did get a bunch of reading done and out of the way, which after all is thoughtfully considered, now feels like a waste. Because this whole emergent field I'm wading into for this article is a bunch of bullshit. Two entire chapters in this one anthology were so bad I couldn't believe they were written, much less published. Didn't know whether to laugh or cry--honestly. Like I'm not even sure I want to cite them, they suck so bad. Whatever. Went to the gym. The treadmill, even. Jogged a 1/2 mile straight, which is pretty good for me right out of the box, considering I haven't tried to jog in quite a while, and then walked for a bit, and jogged for almost another 1/2 mile... So at least there's something to work with. And rode the bike for another 1/2 hour after that. Good times (not really, at all).

Then I had this "date" that I didn't want to go to. But this chick messaged me on this dating site I'm on, and it's like compulsive--I can't not message people back. And this woman is not attractive. But here's the thing, and I don't have any idea if you guys will agree with me on this one or not, but I tend to come across a lot nicer in writing than I actually am. So my one reply led to her writing back again. And then for the love of God I wrote back, and then, etc. Until finally for whatever reason she suggested we meet up, and that was fucking this afternoon. So she picked this photography exhibit that she'd been wanting to see. And--get this--it was all war photography. So it was gruesome and depressing as shit, with pictures of charred corpses and a cat rubbing against the face of an old woman's corpse, "as though trying to wake her," and whatnot, and let's not even get started on the crap in Somalia. And then there was a documentary video, interviewing the psychologically over-and-beyond scarred photographers, what with the one guy photographing his photographer-buddy's death right in front of him, and then that time he stepped on a land mine and lost his legs, and so on.

And she wanted to get a coffee and sit and talk after. Why!? I mean, what did I do? So it was like at least an hour or so of yammering on about getting-to-know-you bullshit, with no foreseeable escape. Until finally at 7 o'clock, at which point I'd eaten today a banana for breakfast and frozen yogurt after the gym, and caffeine-crashing from approximately two dozen cups of coffee, I just said I gotta go catch a bus. And she blatantly suggested we get together again--and I'm no good at navigating these waters at all, so I was like "sure?" Fuck.

Then I had to get right to the bar, 'cause last night the bartender was all-but pimping this new girl. After describing this girl in explicit detail, she (the bartender) was using phrases like "so are you coming tomorrow to check out the new merchandise?" And when I explained I'd be there after my "date," she then said "well you should be thinking about my girl and not her." Whatever that's even supposed to mean. So, you know, oh hell why not. But the combination of there being a new girl and not seeing hot bartender around for a while suggests that hot bartender may not be working there anymore. Which, in all honesty, makes absolutely no difference in the long term, given my nonexistent chances with her. And the pimping of this extremely peppy blonde girl makes no difference, either, given I've lost my last bit of leverage with the bartender, who is now a full-fledged US citizen and does not need to marry me for a green card. And this new girl... the cloying peppiness. Jesus H.

So that was my day. Came home to listen to some music and survey the wreckage of my kitchen. And think---really, deeply think--about how much laundry I have to do in the morning. Before reading like only 20 pages and passing out. And then the phone...

So anyway it's 2 in the morning and I believe I shall again try this sleep thing. Thanks Colin, and thanks for the love, Sticky. It's great to see you again, and you'll get there, sweetheart! Hope ya'll are having a thrilling time out there in the world, making the most of every moment, living and laughing and loving, etc. :l:l:l

[Sticky]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck

Wish I were having a good time. Actually I feel depressed as hell. Got drunk Thurs night then couldn't get out of bed yesterday. All I did was make lunch for youngest, do a load of washing, chat briefly to both boys, ready youngest a story and say good night to them. Hubby is very angry. I was up half the night getting pissed & keeping him awake. I am once again"abandoning him & the kids. I am trouble and I should just sod off". Of course I deserve worse than that and most guys would have got rid of me years ago!

So now I will try 150mg and hope that works. Don't like my chances. I guess 210 wasn't my switch.

Try leaving the phone off the hook at night or asking ex-GF to ring at a civilised hour. You don't owe her anything.

Cheers
Sticky :argh:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Did it occur to you, when the doctor told you to take the medication, for the second time, that she is actually treating you appropriately? That despite your reluctance, your own diagnosis, in spite of the fact that you just don't want to take the medication, that you should actually take it? Not because the doctor said so, or (god forbid) I said so, but because it will actually make you feel SO MUCH BETTER almost immediately by treating your anxiety (which is keeping you from taking a completely safe and effective medication) as well as your blood pressure???

I'm trying not to be a bitch. Really I am. Or self righteous or any of that. I expect I could get (almost) justifiably skewered for this, so I am more than reluctant to post it. I swear to you and to everyone who reads this that from this point forward I will not offer so much as a peep. About this or anything else. Mostly because there is absolutely nothing else I can say. I give up! Your fear and anxiety have me beat too!

So why did I write it? And why did I do it in public? Call it a desperate plea for your attention. Your real and undivided attention.

Take the mother fucking (blood pressure) pills as prescribed and you will feel better. Or not.

Peace. really.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Sorry you're down, Sticky. I sure missed your voice--just wish you were back under better circumstances, love. I know I don't owe the ex anything. Not even sure what she wants from me. She never asks about how I'm doing, or what's going on, or what I'm up to. That's not really all that different, though, she never was good at that kind of thing. She just tells random stories about people I don't know, and random BS that is important to her... It's bizarre, more than anything. I used to be able to put up with it fine--because I was banging her in wonderful ways. And drunk. Let's not forget how much being drunk helps.

So I have a headache. And the munchies really bad. It's cool if you eat as many apples, peaches, bananas and such as you can stomach, right? Especially late at night? And the chick from the "date" texted today, for something off-the-wall like "Hope you're having a good Friday! " That's a little awkward.

And haven't heard from whiskey-girl in over a week, though to be fair haven't tried to contact her either, so the 3some sex looks to be slipping from my grasp. Rats.

So that's about it today. Boring. Lots of laundry. Dishes and finally cleaning my bedroom and changing the sheets on the bed and doing the floor in there. So the only thing I haven't cleaned off now is my desk, and I'll probably get to that around the time that it's time to start the whole cleaning process all over again. Went to the bar, hung out for a minute with the bartender, went to the used bookstore and got a coffee and sat on the patio, and took a bath while reading. Exciting Friday.

Grad student sex-buddy still isn't talking to me over this summer job thing. Which is fine. Weird that I'm the one thinking she needs to grow up before I care to talk to her again. Usually it's the other way around. But if that does happen, I'll be sure to never tell her that I also just got the summer funding that I applied for, so my income over the next 3 months just doubled. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

80mg/bac, coming down off the neurontin, though that's the kind of thing I think you can just stop. Considering coming down more on bac, too. Didn't go to the gym yesterday but did jog through the park near Dodger stadium under the malicious sun and over dirt trails and shit. Not what I signed up for. And the running app on my phone then emailed me after to say "Congratulations! You just set a personal record for a 240ft climb in elevation!" WTF? Running hills is not my idea of a good time. Did go to the gym today though, and it's all going just dandy. AF 14 days now, I believe.

Night, all. :l:l

[playland]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Stuck, just came by to say Hi

[playland]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oh yes Stuck, I forgot to ask why you are coming down on the Bac right now? Is it the leg pain? And it has helped curb the cravings at a much lower dose this time, right? And is the Neurontin expensive online?

Ok, bye for now,XXX

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Sweet mercy, Stuck's a senior member. And yet still utterly juvenile... Had a pretty good, relatively uneventful birthday yesterday. Avoided my drinking buddy, because he depresses the fuck out of me lately and I don't want to hear him complain incoherently about his life, while taking no responsibility for it. Haven't talked to whiskey-girl in a couple weeks, so got an email card from her instead of a 3way... oh well. Went and got some gelato and then a back massage, hung out with the bartender for a little bit, and then went to a get-together at a grad-student-friend's place. They just happened to be having people over, and were very honored that I would decide to spend my birthday with them. So there was a small bottle of Jim Beam waiting for me there; I thanked them and no one even mentioned it when I drank water the whole evening. And toward the end of the night, when we had a fire going in the fire pit, and one of the guys was playing guitar, he launched into Happy Birthday as my friend's wife brought out cupcakes with little candles. It was actually adorable.

All in all, good. Though spent quite a bit of the night watching the fire and hanging out next to the dogs in the yard, rather than taking part in the conversation. Coming down on bac and newly-sober, there are some dark thoughts creeping in every now and again, and of course the impulse to take stock with the wreckage of life and where I am in it, and why I'm not somewhere else, and all that. But I'm well aware that that's all it is, and not dwelling on it.

The exGF called today to wish me a happy Memorial Day, and we talked for a long while until she got to where she was driving and I got to the gym. It's really great to hear more about this dude that she's taking things all slow with, and bullshit like that. And as I was getting on the treadmill I shot her a text to say that I had a pretty decent birthday yesterday--and it turns out she didn't forget, she just lost track of the date because she was working and drinking and going to the strip club all weekend, so she thought it was tomorrow. Which is great, because that means, without getting upset or anything, I got to both make her feel like shit and at the same time tell her not to worry about it, it's no big deal, which hopefully made her feel even worse. Better than any present I could've asked for.

So... still sober, and I guess collecting booze now? The 7 beers that were in the fridge are still in the fridge, and now I've got a pint of bourbon in the cupboard. B/P still has it's ups and downs, but for the most part is right around where a guy in his mid-30s should start to be concerned, and make some lifestyle changes, instead of at HOLY CRAP GET THEE ON MEDICATIONS. And coming down and soon off bac yet again. Will be off by the end of the week, most likely, say what you will. The past week I've been waking up in the middle of the night, after sleeping an hour or so, and unconsciously running out in the kitchen to eat a bowl of cereal or whatever, and the legs are in pain, and nodding off after reading 2 pages of anything is annoying as hell. Is 80 helping more than 60 would, or 30, or none? Who knows. More than anything having goals for this summer--of which a month is already inexplicably gone--is helping.

As for the new avatar, I've always been of the belief that my prose should speak for itself. But after sticking with me for 1,000 posts, I figured ya'll at the very least deserved finally to see who you've been listening to all this time. It might not last all that long.

Hope everyone's having a good Memorial Day, remembering the troops and their sacrifice in the name of US imperialism, etc. :l:l

[treetops]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Happy Birthday Stuck :wave:

I have not done the Bac route but applaud you and others who are test-piloting this - and hope it helps many many others to shake the AL crap from their lives.
Of course there will be other crap but thats to be expected

Take care and hope the leg problems go away soon.

I won't give a non American view on American imperialism!

[playland]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Stuck, I suddenly can't remember what your old Avatar was please remind me
Seriously.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I've never had one before, Play.

[playland]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oh Well, that kind of explains it I suppose, funny I never wondered about it

I had a different one when I first started, it was a picture of a laughing woman mannequin
that I came upon outside a shop in Barcelona, she was rather wild looking and a fly happened to be on the end of her nose, I really loved it but when I changed it to my more light hearted avatar several people told me how much the other one had "creeped them out" and they were so happy I had changed it:H. Little did I know!

XXX

[Lo0p]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Psst...

give me your physical address. :bigwink:

[playland]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[playland]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Where is everyone? Stuck pretty soon you will be sad because no one is posting

Can't stay long but might be able to return later, love to you Stuck.