Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Thanks, Red! We aims to please. Seriously, actually. I'm glad the humor is coming through, 'cause I'm going through the SEs, and now the annoyance of not drinking, but I just hadn't been having any fun with it yet.

And I really am being gentle with the self, NE, more or less. More importantly, I know you're on the East coast--please tell me you're not near the worst of the storms! Good job on the bravery, but sometimes ya' just gotta get the f--k out

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Nothing much new, and it's not even yet 11, so I guess I'll just continue the diary.

All in all a pretty good day, except that it’s warm here in Los Angeles. Apologies to our friends across the pond, but I don’t know the Celsius equivalent of “Satan’s sweaty nutsack dipped in habenero salsa.” No matter, let's just say it made walking down to the local Subway sandwich shop, which is inside that one laundromat, rather a challenge.

Then off to do the online job. And hey, if you’re looking for a good practical joke to play and really confuse someone, this takes a little time commitment, so maybe if you’re also looking for a hobby here’s what you do. Go into a bar that’s really close to where you live and introduce yourself to the bar staff. For the next 22 months return there daily, becoming a hopelessly desperate alcoholic before their very eyes. Yeah, you can see where this is going. Then, on a random early afternoon in the 23rd month, walk into that bar, sit down and ask politely for a Virgin Mary and a glass of water, then pull out your laptop and spend the next 3 hours working because, you know, they have free WiFi and air conditioning.

The only thing dulling the edge of joy was I didn't have my headphones to block out the distractions, like the blaring Texano music and shot glasses slamming down on the tabletops, because someone stole them from me a few weeks back there at that same bar. Let me explain. I sling my bag over the back of my seat, and I keep my headphones in an outside pocket of my bag. One night when I was there a little later than I usually am, and it was really crowded, someone swiped them. And here’s the rub: to protect the headphones I keep them coiled inside an empty Altoids container. So not only did some drunken --hole steal my headphones, it was some drunken --hole who was just looking for an Altoid. I pray nightly that whatever chick he was trying to nail rejected him outright and kicked him in the nuts for his foul breath.

Of course, I also saved work for the part of the day where I fade off (knew I could get some SE stuff in here somehow), so Lord knows what I actually typed out...

But I perked right up in time for the bartender's shift to start, and wouldn't you know it, but she's not quite ready to leave her BF. Still, holy cow, it's been a long f--king time since I've been able to flirt convincingly, and actually notice when a woman is kind of interested. All the little things I never used to catch, like when she's putting on lotion, making some joke about having dry skin and then making funny scratching motions to demonstrate--but using my arm. This. Feels. Nice. (No! Of course not the scratching part, just that I feel freaking good, more or less.) This is way better than the whiskey-soaked shennanigan last week that wasn't as much flirting as... a mistake.

Sorry, way too much about my love life. But I finally stopped at the Mexican grocer's on the way home, where I can figure out just enough Spanish to buy what I really meant to buy, so there's more than sardines here. And it's not that I would otherwise care about carrying groceries home, it's that there's a 200+ foot elevation change between the main street and my apartment, which gives me a stunning view of the LA skyline and makes my lungs explode every time I need to get home. Though, in my price range the only other spot in my neighborhood is a pseudo-roomshare with Larry at the one bus shelter that smells less like pee than the others.

So, with that, I had 2 bowls of Cheerios for dinner, and I guess it's goodnight (hopefully, we'll see). Hope all is well out there in the world.

#3

[Sticky]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Stuck

Well done on the sober trip to the bar! I'm hoping the bartender sees the light and dumps the geriatric...

I was a flight attendant back in the 80's and used to regularly stopover in LA. We stayed in Torrance, across the road from Del Amo's, which the pilots called the "cabin crew daycare centre". I spent many an hour shopping my heart out in there!

It's mid-winter downunder and bloody freezing. (Not really - it doesn't snow in Auckland, but it was about 3 deg C (36 deg F?) overnight last night. Roll on spring. Hopefully a spring where alcohol is no longer an obsession.

Cheers
Sticky

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Thanks, Sticky!

I think I saw you're starting out on bac, so just FYI, I'm currently at 175 mg/day. I was at 150 forever before going up and have been as high as 210 before coming down to where I'm at now. I gets fairly easy to do those sober trips to the bar, and I've got beer here at the house. But it's still a f--king decision. And I'm putting #s on my posts for a reason, know what I'm sayin'? :H

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Soooo.
You worked on several different projects. You had a little harmless, hopefully shameless, flirtation. You ate. Walking up a HUGE hill in very flat LA with 60 (at least!) pounds of groceries sounds like exercise. A bit of sleep, maybe?

And your eyes are on the goal.

I'd be bitter too.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Thanks, NE. And I woke up this morning and did a hit-and-run on just about everyone's thread. Not sure why I did that, I guess I just felt like there was a lot to say today.

Eh, I still got all the "sleep" issues. Tried one of those Gabapentin (turns out I have maybe a dozen pills). It knocked me out, but not really sure how well it worked for the anxiety. Still felt like I was gonna die right then and there in my bed. Woke up only once or twice, though, and feel pretty rested, even if a bit wonky in the head, today.

So is Gabapentin one of those things you should stick with nightly to see if it is gonna work? Bear in mind I don't have a prescription, just like a dozen or so pills--they are from a psychiatrist I met with, but he just gave them to me so I could see if I liked 'em.

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I didnt know peeps took gabapentin for sleep, but maybe they do make you tired so if they help go for it. They have a pretty short life so I wouldnt think theres a build up effect with them, but, stating to sleep, getting rest and getting a sleep habit is definately a build up effect imho. It may sound odd but once sleep is messed up, its like you have to learn to do it again, so if you take them for the dozen? nights, manage to sleep then that could well set you up for being more relaxed about the whole thing and being able to sleep yourself. One of the worst things about the insomnia must be the fact that once it has set in you will be worrying about not sleeping, becomming more anxious about it, or maybe you dont feel like that at all, just a guess.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey COS,

I figured I'd move this over here since it's all about me, AA, and cars in LA, and that's a pretty good installment of the nightly diary.

Yeah, AA is what it is. I'm a pretty big David Foster Wallace fan, and about 1/3 of Infinite Jest takes place in a rehab halfway house, so I was kind of interested in AA as a concept. Then, well then I get out of the hospital and don't know WTF to do or where to go, and there's a weekly meeting just up the street, sooooo... I tried a different meeting the next night but that was more like bible study than anything. At least the meeting here had cool stories to listen to.

I only ever went once a week. I never talked to anybody; I was the guy standing in the back and leaving right at the end. But I think it did help for a while, if only to give me a goal, right? I'm not going to drink because I'm going to my meeting on Monday, or something, it was like a project. Then it just worked out conveniently because it's right next to the grocery store, and I'd grab groceries for the week and walk the 6 blocks or whatever and up the goddamned hill home.

Whatevs. Now they have a second weekly meeting literally right on my way home. But I feel bad, you know, standing outside my bar smoking a cigarette, and there they are across the street at their meeting. Buzzkill. But seriously, quite a few nights I'm drinking tonic or micheladas without the beer, but I just don't feel like dealing with it. And these past few days, when I really have sort of recommitted to day by day sobriety, I still stand outside the bar while they're smoking outside the meeting.

It just so happens that this time around I don't have cravings, thank God. There goes my weekly grocery run, though...

I suppose that's it. Nothing else really going on, except Spain absolutely crushed Italy today, and I met one of the bartender's dogs, which was on the obese side. And I bought fruit today, apples, bananas, mangoes. Don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do with a mango. And going to try Benedryl for sleep tonight. Thanks for listening, everybody, this one's kinda boring but there's not that much to be sarcastic about when things are meh. So, goodnight.

#4

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

StuckinLA;1344186 wrote:

Still felt like I was gonna die right then and there in my bed. Woke up only once or twice, though, and feel pretty rested, even if a bit wonky in the head, today.


Glad you're sharing the sandbox with other threads. And that you got at least a bit of decent sleep.

I really, really wish I had an immediate solution for that "going to die, falling down the rabbit hole, I'm not sure I'm breathing," experience. I don't. But a lot of us go through it.
I thought of things I read on here that made me laugh. I stopped reading, looking at, and listening to bad news. I even avoided talking to a really close friend who delights in sharing stories about house fires and murders and other people's train wrecks. (Not coincidentally, we're not really friends anymore. Who needs it?) I spent a lot of time learning that the feelings I was experiencing do not always correlate with reality.

You are not going to die. Not even close. The beast is dying. Your brain is reorganizing itself. New synapses are forming so the old ones have to go. Or you can think of it as chemo. Chemo sucks. But it'll save a life.
Whatever works, LA, because the pill works. It just does. For everyone that takes enough of it for long enough. (which doesn't mean you gotta shoot for the moon.)

StuckinLA;1344422 wrote:

I only ever went once a week. I never talked to anybody;

...

...there's not that much to be sarcastic about when things are meh. So, goodnight.

Forgive the cut and paste job. I'm running out of time!
About a year ago I got into an online "discussion" (pffft) with a fundamentalist 12-stepper who has a very active and popular blog. She posted something disparaging about taking medications in general and Ameisen/baclofen in particular. (Stuff like that kept me sick for more years than I care to remember. God mother fucking dammit. I'm still pissed off about it. anyway...)
Her point, at the heart of it, was that you gotta do the whole shebang in order to get well and stay well. Participate, get a sponsor, all twelve steps. It's a good point. I never did that. I guess I wasn't "willing" to go to any lengths, at least by the definitions laid out in the book. That said, it is a cluster fuck of closed mindedness that is so far from what it was, and what it could be, that it is almost impossible for me to think about without getting really irate. But it works for some people, and that's enough. Any way out is a good way out. Even if it only works for 1 in 10. Glad I beat the odds, though. (EDIT: I still love AA and the tools that I learned there, and in rehab, helped me enormously when I was taking baclofen. "One day at a time." Eat, sleep, poop, on a regular schedule. Reach out and get support. The list goes on.) (And some of it kept me sick even after I got well. "To drink is to die." "A spiritual malady." All the rest of the bull that makes it seem as though we are sick because we are bad people. In other words steps 4 through 7. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.)

StuckinLA;1344422 wrote: #4

woop! Rock on.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Thanks NE, you are always a comfort. But I just gotta freak and be upset for a sec, soooo...

Motherf--ker. Was doing OK till I started getting tired and laid down. Then, like clockwork, the whole nonsense all over again.

[EDIT]

So here I am, back in the living room at my desk at quarter to 4 and feeling better, writing the next assignment for my students. And figuring out how this mango works. After some trial and a lot of error, pretty sure it's not meant to be eaten like an apple. And holy hell, how the deuce was I supposed to know there was a fin-shaped, bone-hard thing in the middle!? That can't be right...

But need to give this sleep-bit a try again soon, 'cause tomorrow is another day with coffee waiting to be drunk.

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

StuckinLA;1344549 wrote:

. And figuring out how this mango works. After some trial and a lot of error, pretty sure it's not meant to be eaten like an apple. And holy hell, how the deuce was I supposed to know there was a fin-shaped, bone-hard thing in the middle!? That can't be right...
.

:H lol thanks for giving me a laugh this morning

Hope you managed to get some sleep and have a good day

[COSGringo]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck,
Sounds like you are on the right track to me. Glad the the bus thing is working. Congrats on working on that PhD. I never had the patience myself.

That death sleep is horrible. I dreaded it but it did subside eventually. I am sure it will for you too. I am not getting any sleep either if that's any consolation.

Good times, glad you are a part of them.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Went to bed at 5, took 25 mg Benedryl, was feeling OK and drifted off. Woke 1/2 hour later, so like 10 minutes ago, with what feels like one of the worst ones yet. I'm really in a bad way right now.

So when I cut out the booze, 4 I guess 5 days ago now, I dropped the bac from 200 to 175. Those 2 things are the only variables I can think of--steady 175 over past 4 days and no alcohol. Would love to hear some thoughts, 'cause this blows and I don't see any options.

[COSGringo]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

It's normal to go through those cycles. When you do sleep you will probably get some crazy lucid dreams on top of it.

Are you able to exercise at all? I know that's tough when you aren't sleeping but even a little might help.

There's another over the counter med that might help. I think Unisom still makes it. Doxylamine which is sort of like diphen but you might have more luck. It's also an antihistamine I believe.

You could try adding tryptophan and melatonin into the mix. Probably about 45 mins before you want to sleep. Try not to dwell on it either. It will pass eventually. I am going through it now and nothing is really working but I am back to exercise this week so hoping...

[RedThread12]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

:H:H:H I'm so sorry, Stuckin-la, but the mango thing is a literal LOL. I once read a great book about traveling hippie-syle through Mexico. The author said that the only way to eat a mango is sitting neck deep in ocean surf. That keeps all the sticky washed away while you gnaw on the . . . yes . . . the thing in the middle IS the seed.

You're getting great advice regarding your bac SE's. Here's how you manage a mango:

Take a fairly large-bladed, sharp knife. Hold the mango vertically . . . longways . . . seed standing up . . . with left hand (unless you're left handed, in which case hold other-ly), slice into the mango at the top, near the center. Draw the blade down until it (and you) feel the seed, then "scraping" the knife as close to the seed as possible, complete the cut. Now you have "almost" 1/2 a mango without a seed. Then repeat, as best you can, with the other half. There may still be a lot of mango attached to the seed. Take that in your hands, lean over the sink, and suck the flesh from the mango seed while letting the juice drip into the sink.

NOW, you have two mango shells, but the skin, which you don't want to eat, is still attached. Take each one and score it with your sharp knife both right to left, and left to right. I do diagonal scoring because it results it pretty little diamond-shaped mango bites. Then "pop" the scored mango half inside out - skin side concave, delicious mango
spread open and up. At that point, sharp-knife can easily slice away ALL the delicious mango from its skin. AND you have bite-size pieces, which significantly reduce the amount of juice that escapes your mouth and slides down your chin.

See . . . I CAN be helpful!!!

It looks as if you're doing a great job of hanging in there, getting the help you need, and keeping your eye on the goal. And THAT'S exactly what it takes.