Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I read (or heard--I'm an NPR junkie and bac didn't help with that) something on the Death of Irony. What struck me is that I don't even know wtf irony is anymore. Or satire. And STILL can't remember when to use than/then. Which all used to bother me and make me very self-conscious on MWO, because there are a lot of word-y types on here, but also a lot of people who don't care and think it's pretentious to care.

Fortunately I've gotten over my self-consciousness about who is being critical or why (for the most part. We're due for a troll any minute now and being so prolific, they like to come after me and that sucks and hurts my feelings. but I digress.) The point is this: there is a time and place and reason and season. Lots of people don't like the blow-by-blow, or the diary/blog. Lots of people love 'em. Thank God
(big G) that there is room enough on this board to cover the full gamut. It's important not to suck up all the space, but I don't think you are doing that. Almost everything is relevant. Particularly a DUI explanation or two. How could that not be? And where else could you both admit that those were the least of the offenses and explain without being defensive or abused?

Your comments about DFW and 9/11 and suicide brought to mind yet another erudite boyfriend. He told me once that a professor of his said that sarcasm was tantamount to ignorance. I didn't get it. I like(d) sarcasm. Still do, but now I get it. It's similar to the ironic-detachment you're referring to, I think. A way to build walls and barriers and be erudite in a cruel and dehumanizing way. Who has time for that? Maybe it's come about from the reading I've done about beatific monks over the last year or so. Can you imagine being beatific? I can. But possibly not in this lifetime.

He's dead. The knucklehead. The bf, not the professor. Though it was a long time ago, so the prof might be too. I have a lot of dead friends. It kinda sucks. I can't wait until we solve this disease and people stop dying. Pete wasn't like us, though. He just wasn't...comfortable in this world. And finally decided to leave it. Fucker.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

hmmm. This is fun for me, but not the right discussion for you. I wish I was good at amusing anecdotes. Find some. Latch on to them. Check out the fun SE thread. (Lo0p or Redthread) or something! anything!

Point is this: Get. Out. Of. Your. Head. Not in a mindless way. Seriously. Read some Archie comics, or whatever eases your mind. No NYT, news of any sort, intellectual stimulation, erudite explanation, or even Discovery channel.
What's your version of latino soap opera? Go There. Now.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

From the top:

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f2...ary-47717.html

(fair warning for the lurkers/newbies: NOT for the easily offended, faint of heart, or even hardened knuckleheads if you are looking to get your panties in a bunch. I was absolutely appalled, of course, and laughed my arse off.)

[COSGringo]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Wow, I can't keep up with these posts. Get on live chat in the middle of the nite. It's bizarre and everyone takes off and does these side chats. I can tell they're typing but nothing comes up.
It's lame.
Hey if you smoke, you can just stand outside around here but no menthols.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

You slept?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

COSGringo;1341224 wrote: Wow, I can't keep up with these posts. Get on live chat in the middle of the nite. It's bizarre and everyone takes off and does these side chats. I can tell they're typing but nothing comes up.
It's lame.
Hey if you smoke, you can just stand outside around here but no menthols.

That was kind of a flurry, wasn't it?
The side chats are for peeps who want to just...chat with one another. Chat is going through a bit of a quiet time, I think. It happens. Hopefully it'll pick back up again.

sorry about the smoke. Hope you're still safe!

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Ive never used chat, when I have looked its always empty, I know the time difference but youd think some baclofen insomniacs would be there:H

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I barely know how to "chat" in real life, much less on the interweb machine.

And yeah, slept a bit. Drank, though. Uuuummmm... 6 or 7 beers? Plus a few shots. We all make choices, and I HAD to get at least a few hours, on the couch, turns out, and another glorious 45 minutes in my own bed after waking at 6:30 on said couch.

Not that I don't remember those days all too well. Waking with the lights still on, a bottle next to me, a cat staring down with judgment, and a burning desire to know why my shoes are in the bathtub... But that wasn't this morning. This morning was just, well, let's get this teaching-nonsense started. Only 6 more weeks. LOFingL.

[bleep]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

This is an interesting thread to read SinLA.

My goal when I began baclofen was moderation; the thought of never drinking again was anathema, and wasn't even really considered. Baclofen seemed like the perfect drug in that respect. But indifference is just that - the thought of drinking disappears, and moderating becomes a hassle. For a while after indifference, I actually forced myself to drink, although of course at the time I didn't realise what I was doing. Just take it as it comes, and you may be very, very surprised.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

oh, bleep. It really is so nice to *see* you here. heavy sigh.

Hiya, Stuck. It's past my bedtime and I've still gotta walk the goose.
How was the class? It makes me chuckle a little bit to think of all of my previous teachers...I am fairly certain that my Eng102 prof was like me...I swear to you that when I saw her walking down the hall I thought, "Yipes! She is verrrry hungover." It was an online course, and I only found out much later that she was my professor! Funny, right? Every essay I wrote was on HDB. (102 is a fundamentals of research.) I have thoroughly enjoyed my english classes, believe it or not. I've never taken them! It's been so long since I've been in school, I didn't realize I could have tested out. I am very grateful that I didn't, though.

It also makes me more than a bit self conscious still. Ah, well. I am counting on still knowing you when I've got to write the essay to get into big-girl-school.
hmmm. Come to think of it! I am considering applying for a scholarship and outing myself--in terms of this whole thing. The scholarship is for people who are intending to go to the school. (UVA. A dream in a fantasy world in my former life, since my grades were terrible.) (I am now living that dream in the fantasy, so here's hoping!)
What do you think? Introduction to Ne is the fact that she was an alcoholic and only gave up the sauce when she 1) ordered medication online followed by 2) getting a doc she's never met, from a different state, to prescribe.

egad, I was just going to say hi and be back later. I could've written about the bac-related stuff! Sorry! Less about me, more about you, in the morning!

I hope you're being gentle with yourself!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

So a couple of questions for the collective wisdom here. First, I'm at 210, but definitely dropping to 200, at least for today. Drinking is... as drinking does. Not at previous levels but that may be in the post, if ya' know what I mean. The important thing is that I have this massive workload for the next 6 weeks. I mean every day, all day, all night.

I don't think I can accomplish this on my current level of bac. If I don't drink I cannot sleep. Worse than not sleeping, I am completely, wholeheartedly and all-consuming, terrified of falling asleep. I need a good night's rest more now than I probably ever had, but trying to do that scares the ever-loving shit out of me. This is probably a combination of SEs and booze/withdrawal.

I do not think going up on bac is an option, unless someone(s) here can convince me otherwise.

At the same time, I think I can do this drunk--as long as I don't go on another bender. That is, if I can keep the anxiety under control. By that I mean the anxiety about withdrawal under control. If I am my usual self of the past several years, just getting bombed at night and going through the day hungover, I'm fairly certain I can do what I need to do.

Here's the question we've been waiting impatiently for: what do you think? Is this at least a semblance of a plan? I didn't have bad SEs at 150ish. Is that a good holding pattern? Lower? Higher? How quickly can I get there?

I'm feeling really trapped, and crushed under this enormous amount of pressure, and just need to get to a place where I can do what, deep down, I know I can do.

Secondly, if you've read this far, I am turning into a play-by-play, diary kind of guy here. When I wake up with the panics it really helps to write. Hell, sometimes when I'm drunk it really helps to write (oh, the irony! why am I not working on my novel?).

So I'm thinking about splitting this stuff off into a new thread. Something like "Progress Thread for Stuck," again because I love the irony of that, and saving this thread for freak-out questions, or even non-freakout questions. But I don't want to suck up space, and don't want to keep my bullshit all over the top of the group.

Thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Or, you know, of course, just tell me to shut the fuck up.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

NE:

I will throw my whole heart and soul into helping you write that.

I got into school for one reason. It's not my academic record, it's not my research interests, it's not my "potential." (Long story about why that's in quotes--remind me to tell you some time.)

I'm in school because my personal essay for the application stood out from the rest. I've been told this by the Director of Graduate Admissions. When he introduced me at the first weekend luncheon-thing, he said it was the best he'd read--ever. He didn't bother introducing me to the other students/faculty in the normal way, he just read my opening line.

That line was: [EDIT]

That's how I got into grad school. And that's how we'll get you into big-girl school, too. (Though if UVA hadn't reinstated their president I would not let you go there. )

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I dont join in on your thread much stuck but I do read it everyday. I love the fact that your now a diary guy.

I dont think you should start a new thread, I mean you can if you want but I do think you get more from having your stuff on one thread, and you have already got this far with this one why change it. But if you do can you put a link on the new one to this one and then stay with that thread, having two threads on the go will be confusing for you and the readers. imho.

Hmm I dont know about your plan of staying drunk for six weeks to do your work, have you really thought this through. Six weeks of getting drunk every night then struggling though each day in misery with a hangover doesnt sound like the best idea to me, not sure what the doable alternative is tho, I think youve been struggling with the bac. The whole waking up with panics, not sleeping, fear of sleeping all sound like the drink to me, I dont know when does work start, maybe go up on the bac and see if it just clicks and your drinking stops maybe, Im not really the one to give advice here as Ive never managed to get to HDB myself but if you go down again your drinking wont change and it sounds like thats whats really doing you in.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Space,

I don't jump on yours at all, either, but I read and identify with a lot of what you're saying, too. More than that, I just hope you're doing all right. So, anyway, I really appreciate your post.

This is the open question to the group: I'm willing to titrate down off bac and just fucking drink at night. I'm not willing to give up on bac long term, because I'm really so damned close, even now.

I think I'm already repeating myself, but I know what hangovers feel like. I can deal with that. Hangovers while also on bac? That's still pretty new to me, and any new feeling freaks me the fuck out--so I get anxiety just because I can't quite process the feeling, if that makes sense.

I don't know, I'm dumping a lot on you, Space, but really just hoping that folks in the other time zones will see this before the morning-time...

Again, thanks for reading--it means a lot, and jumping in. You rock all the kinds of ways. And with everything you've been doing lately, jeez. So you do what you need to do to be sober and feel OK. Don't worry about the rest of it, because it'll sort itself out or it won't. But either way, you'll be just fine. (Hope I didn't offend.)

Sorry again! Going off on all kinds of tangents...

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Ah, hell. I was going to quote and respond, but there is too much so I'm just going to write.

Up/down...whatever. Off? No way. That's giving up. Bac is pretty well tolerated if one isn't od'ing and drinking. That is what we do here...And the SEs are proof of that.

The devil you know, vs the other one...Yep. That's the crux of it all isn't it? Sorry to go all meta- for a minute, but it's why I started seriously (sort of) looking into meditation. I thought at the time that bac gave me some sort of supernatural insight. My 20/20 is that I realized I overcame my greatest (ever!) fear--the unknown. The future. The what ifs. The Holy Fuck What Am I Doing? What if I'm wrong? What if the world... yadda yadda.

That said, Stuck, you gotta do what you gotta do. And nightly terrors are no way to live. Literally. And here's the thing you might not know: In the good/bad/different old days (meaning last year :H) we did things a little differently. We played around with our dosages a lot more. This is not such a good idea, in general. I've witnessed, personally in 3D and on here, that going down dramatically (especially completely off) has resulted in some pretty profound depression. Not sure if it's pre-existing or exacerbated by other meds or what. There's no telling because it's an anonymous online forum. But it's enough evidence, if you will, that I will never, ever do that.

Going down by 10 or 20mg when all else is stable? No biggie. Probably not even by more...but why risk it? Because this is also true: Each level is completely different. What you experienced before will not be true again. 150mg worked on your way up but may not feel the same on your way down. 180 might be the magic number.
There is a "magic" number, btw. Not just for the switch, but also for the balance. That is another truth long since set aside. Look for it.

More from me in a bit.