Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Years ago when trying to impress my boyfriend (now husband) I attempted to eat a mango in some sort of sexy way...In bed. Yep. I didn't really know that the seed didn't look like an actual seed, either. So there I was, with mango dripping down my face and all over the place, gnawing like a rabbit on the pit. Nice. I eat them now, but it took years before I could look at a mango without feeling humiliated.

I'm sorry. I know I say this to everyone and all the time, but hang in there. Use some tools, dammit. You can manage those thoughts. You really are able to do that.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Time. That's the only factor here, btw. The deal is done, it's sealed, and you've made it if you stay the course.
The final goal? That just takes time. I'd think of an analogy, or give a pep talk, or whatever you need. Just lemme know...

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oh thank you, Red! I have 2 more of them and I was really starting to worry. Because you have no idea how right you are about not wanting to eat the skin...

So lots going on here, and kind of have a lot swimming around in my head, but most of it's related to WTF I'm doing with the kids today (aside from the obvious: assassinating them).

I'll leave the developments with the bartender for another post, as the more pressing stuff has to do with my doc. Had an appointment yesterday, mostly concerned about breathing issues, but also completely ready to deal with B/P. That appointment wasn't as dramatic as I expected.

B/P: not great, but not nearly as bad as it's been. Therefore, no meds.

Breathing: she didn't see any congestion with the little scopey thing with the light on it, and apparently my lungs are crystal clear in all fields. This is good, of course, but not helpful. She "prescribed" Allegra. I mean, yeah there's lots of cat fur around here, but I don't have any other allergy symptoms... Oh well, also got a chest X-ray.

Also weird: after chest X-ray the technician asked if I did a lot of swimming when I was younger (I didn't). Because, he says, I have the largest lungs he's ever seen. It doesn't feel that way, I told him, and that's why I'm here...

I could take this 1 of 2 ways.

1) Great! When I lose 1/2 of them to the eventual cancer I'll still have plenty left.

2) WTF!? Is there some weird hypertrophic-lung symptom I need to worry about? Sheisse.

Slept a little better last night, or at least it's getting to the point where waking up freaked out happens so quickly/I go right back to sleep that I don't even really remember it this morning. More like a vague sense of a bad dream. Hoping that continues improving with more AF days, which aren't much of a struggle, just a choice that has to be vigilantly reinforced every day.

NE: you're like a guardian angel as always.

More soon, yesterday was #5.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

StuckinLA;1345247 wrote:


2) WTF!? Is there some weird hypertrophic-lung symptom I need to worry about? Sheisse.
...
More soon, yesterday was #5.

You're right. It is probably a curse that you have large, healthy pink lungs with supernormal capacity. Despite your efforts to age and darken them, I might add. You'll have to pick a death other than drowning, that's for sure.

And btw, look what smoking pot got Phelps into. :H although I am not laughing at the poor kid.

congrats.
I'm audi 5 for the 4th. Hope it's a good one.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Yes, that was a whiny d-bag post--apologies. I hope everyone's having a great, fun, and safe holiday today. I've really got nothin' tonight, but since it's Independence Day and all, I'm sending this one out to all my peeps who've reached, or are grasping for, indifference:

"Our house was outside of the city, off one of the blacktop roads. We had us a big dog that my daddy would keep on a chain in the front yard. A big part German shepherd. I hated the chain but we didn?t have a fence, we were right off the road there. The dog hated that chain. But he had dignity. What he?d do, he?d never go out to the length of the chain. He?d never even get out to where the chain got tight. Even if the mailman pulled up, or a salesman. Out of dignity, this dog pretended like he chose this one area to stay in that just happened to be inside the length of the chain. Nothing outside of that area right there interested him. He just had zero interest. So he never noticed the chain. He didn?t hate it. The chain. He just up and made it not relevant. Maybe he wasn?t pretending--maybe he really up and chose that little circle for his own world. He had a power to him. All of his life on that chain. I loved that damn dog."

--David Foster Wallace, The Pale King. P. 117

#6

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Nah. That wasn't whining. And it was funny so it wouldn't matter.

I should have put at Least one laughing thingy in there. My sense of humor is a bit Mia still.

Love the Wallace excerpt. Wow. Maybe I will pick that up next.

Either way, the point as I interpret is that we get to decide. Right? So maybe not whining, maybe just scared a bit. Hope today's a little more independent than yesterday.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Congrats.

[RedThread12]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Okey Dokey, Stuckin-la! Another helpful tip for you (I think, I haven't exactly read all of your comments about your lungs!) . . . lie on the floor, on your back, with a pillow or two, or a couple of folded blankets under your back, say from kidneys to shoulders. Then put a stack of pillows under your head, so your head is higher than your chest. All comfy and supported. Then breathe a few natural breaths, then exhale, and keep exhaling, and then blow out through your lips to exhale even more. Then let the next inhalation come in through your nose. No struggle, no effort, just a natural inhalation. It will be much fuller and longer, since you've fully emptied your lungs with the previous exhalation. Then breathe naturally for a few breaths, and repeat. And, with practice, you can do the extra-long exhalation, long, full, inhalation repeatedly.

USE those massive lungs! But first, get all of the old air out. Honestly, most of us never fully release a lot of the air we breathe in. This is an easy technique, and quite phenomenal to notice that you don't even have to work at taking a deep breath. It just comes . . . naturally . . . on its own. Like you're being breathed, instead of the other way around.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I want to be breathed.

[RedThread12]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

uuummmmm . . . . savoring your response.

But from the purely practical side: If you are not being breathed, that means that YOU are responsible for initiating each inhalation and each exhalation.

In which case, who the hell has time for Any. Other. Thing?

And we get so self-judgmental about the fucking dishes :H:H!

:l

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

4th of July, a day for celebration, family, barbeques, and mixing explosives with alcohol. And what did Stuck do in LA we'll pretend you asked?

I did the dishes, and laundry, and I cleaned the stove. I ate a mango and it went much better this time (thanks a million, Red), though still came millimeters away from losing several fingers. Did some breathing exercises, which seemed to help (thanks a gazillion, Red).

Then I washed the car that I can't drive, and started thinking about consequences. And I watched a movie the bartender lent me yesterday--she seemed very insistent that she wanted to share it--but it turned out to be depressing as shit. Went down to the bar, where the bartender for reasons I can't recall pantomimed her last reaction to a scary movie. First I played the role of her oldmanfriend while she latched on to my arm. Then I had to play the role of her so she could demonstrate o.m.friend's response. All fun and well, but even that didn't exactly cheer me up.

Somewhere this day took a nosedive, and all of a sudden it feels like whiteknuckling all over again. Pretty sure the only reason I haven't opened the beer in the fridge is there's only probably 8 or so of them, and I know I'd want whiskey after that, and I'm already in my pajamas.

So I made a pot of coffee, and I'm looking out my living room window with the spectacular view (because I live at nose-bleed elevation on top of this hill), watching fireworks over the LA skyline. It should be lovely, really, really lovely. But instead it makes me remember that I was doing the same thing last year, wasted that time, and I've been in this apartment 2 years now, though it feels like it's only been today. Walking around my neighborhood is the same, it's like I've been in LA for a week, when really this is 4 years of my life gone with so little to show for it.

Booze is to blame, and being too scared to write, but instead of sitting down to write--to fix it, in other words--I want to lie down on the futon with a bottle. Oh well, that's all for now, probably more later.

Still #7, so far.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

When i was in rehab the last time My brother sent me Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. Do you know it? It's about how to write.
A fourth grader facing an essay on birds, a stack of encyclopedias and an impending due date whining about it. Her father said, do it bird by bird buddy.

Trite. Too simple. Truth, though. Next year will be different.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

3 AM. Sleep/panic/wake/panic/sleep/repeat.

Thinking a lot about time and feeling awful nostalgic. Like making childhood comfort foods and eating them standing in the kitchen where the table would be if I had a table. PB&J, but toasting the bread and adding a little bit of butter. Holy cow, buttered toast plus peanut butter and jelly. That's like a 10 year-old diabetic's wet dream at Denny's. Glad I didn't figure that one out until recently, when I already had the good sense to not do it very often.

Ever look around and wonder who decorated? Or flipped the closet light on and started sliding shirts around on their hangers, looking back into the still-dark corners, sure there's someone hiding in there who actually picked these clothes? Because I certainly didn't pick them. I'm not that kind of guy.

Or then stand facing the bathroom mirror, not so much amazed at the fact of having a body, as mind-numbingly weird as that is, but confused as to how this one is yours?

That pretty much sums up what listening to my Pandora radio station is like. It's supposed to get to know me, and play only songs that I'll like. But I don't like these songs, and I'm not sure what I did wrong. Just keep making new stations, with different bands, and keep clicking "thumbs down" to all the songs. And ask myself, but not too seriously, why am I still thinking about my ex-girlfriend back home? The one with the kid that isn't mine, the one who was married to a friend before she wasn't married anymore, the one who I finally decided to leave.

Remembering her, and my shitty apartment with the drafty window in the shower on the freezing winter mornings before my shift days, shivering and hungover before sunrise. Propping myself up against a wall, praying for 10 more minutes, for another day, for just one night I didn't pass out crying on the futon. Then driving in to work where I was supposed to save lives. How is it that seems so much better, now? How does 5 years make so much difference? Wasted potential at 28 and wasted potential at 33 feel worlds apart, and every night thinking just 1 solid year working on a novel... 1 solid year and it could be done. But what then? More sober, more drunk, more of the same either way, unless someone comes in to redecorate and buy clothes, someone who knows me better than that Pandora station.

Getting what I want is not what I want. Whiskey-girl had check-marks in all the right columns. Fairly funny. Decent taste in music, great taste in books--and was in astonished-awe of my books. Listened to the same NPR programs, loved the same drinks in the same pubs downtown, but didn't find her all that attractive. Dropped her like I've never been able to drop a bad habit before. The bartender, on the other hand, is gorgeous and I've only ever dated a woman that far out of my league once, but we have nothing whatsoever in common. I was impressed by the 2 Spanish films she wanted me to watch, though she keeps saying how much she loves Tyler Perry movies... So what the holy f--k would I do with her if she ever leaves the old man? Best case, she doesn't leave him but decides a passionate affair is a good idea, and I, stone-cold sober, think that's a great idea. Doesn't help much in the long term, though.

Ugh. What the shit am I doing dumping randomness on y'all?

I'm just in a mood. Don't let me bitch too much, though. An early version of the opening chapter of that novel is being published next month, along with a couple of other things I've got floating around out there in the real world. And to complain about girls liking me? Jesus, I guess this really is just my Independence Day pity-BBQ.

Yeah, still #7.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Anyone heard from COS? Is he OK?

Interesting day so far, or was, it being 1 AM or whatever. My students were on my last nerve already. I mean, God help me if only I could be as indifferent to alcohol as they are to learning... But the assignment I gave them today is about pornography. Three articles to read--one by a woman in favor of it as a mode of self-expression and feminist liberation, one by a woman (and legal scholar) vehemently opposed, and one by a woman describing the prevalence of what she terms "raunch culture," in which public sexualized display is simply expected of young women.

I've taught this assignment several times before (and it's not even mine, originally, I borrowed it from a more experienced professor), and it always goes over well. But holy shit. They hadn't even done the reading yet, obviously, they barely had the assignment sheet in front of them, and the whole class came alive in a very thoughtful, passionate discussion. Not just about the salacious details of porn, not at all in fact, but about the ethical and legal concerns of pornography and the possibilities for a woman to freely choose to participate.

It was unexpected, and cool. And then really awkward when one guy said most porn starlets were victims of abuse so they couldn't freely choose to go into porn. Nothing surprising about that opinion, but a young woman's arm shot into the air, and she then said "As someone who's worked in the adult sex industry, it's offensive to assume that everyone is a victim of abuse..."

Eek. Didn't see that one coming.

Didn't make it to the gym. I lay down on the floor in my office for 20 minutes instead, let the fatigue wash over me in spite of the anxiety, then went for frozen yogurt.

Graded a couple of papers at the bar... literally a couple, as in 2, while drinking my tonic water and listening to the bartender tell me about how this morning, now that her o.m.friend is gone on vacation, she finally had the time to relax and take a really long shower. She seemed pretty satisfied with that shower, which I completely understand, as I like long showers too. But this is getting ridiculous, for reasons that should be fairly clear. It didn't feel like she meant for me to be sitting there imagining the obvious, but nevertheless...

The bar wasn't the trigger. Grading papers at the bar was. And the fact that I couldn't shake the sleepiness. My head felt elsewhere, still does. I had a Red Bull. Didn't help. Left after those 2 papers were graded and the tonic was finished, and picked up a bottle of sweet, delicious Jameson on the way home.

I don't know why I did that. Not true: I'm an alcoholic. I also had an emotionally trying day yesterday. Haven't been able to sleep in over a week. Felt off all afternoon, and tonight exhaustion is overriding everything else but the anxiety/breathing/horror of falling asleep still won't go away. I get this feeling where I can't swallow. Can't breathe or swallow, or somehow swallowing keeps me from breathing? Like choking a pill down without any water but the water is the air I'm trying to breathe... it's weird. Nights are like blackouts but not because of drinking--just bac and insomnia f--king with my head.

I keep thinking of taking 2 shots right away to get over the hump and relax, then pouring a drink. Even so, the Jameson sits untouched on the counter. Stupid, still, to have bought it in the first place. One of those "it's only a matter of time" things, as now I've got the beer and whiskey here to get the job done. Dammit.

Ugh. I'm fading fast even now, here at my desk. Need to crawl into bed and see what happens, but it's so hard to let sleep come. Letting it or not, though, I think it'll be here soon, at least for a little while.

#8, so far.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Coupla things.

hmmmmmm.
hmmmmmmm.
Guard your sleep. That's one of the things I attached to when I was titrating up.

so. Coffee at night? Red Bull?
I know the stuff that happens at night is still frightening you. But there are ways to manage that. Guaranteed to make it worse is caffeine. Especially chemical-laden caffeine. (I would go on a rant about Red Bull at this point, but I'll spare you. Google the results of the research done in the UK that led them to the conclusion that Red Bull should be banned, or at least controlled in some way. It wasn't the best study, but it was enough for me. Red Bull and the like will f*ck you up. Mentally and physically.)

Time to step up your game, I think, and get over the hump. How're you going to do that? Specific steps are helpful. I became a drill sergeant. And then I found this incredible contentment and power that comes along with being your own personal drill sergeant.
A very gentle, kind, loving drill sergeant, ftr. No reason to be an asshole to yourself. Plenty of that out in the wide world.

Cool assignment and great discussion. I loved those when I was in school and may take my philosophy course in class instead of online this fall. Then again, people tend to drive me a little nuts, and community college isn't (in my experience and in my humble opinion) the best place for spirited thoughtful discussion. But I may just be putting on my snotty, snarky hat. (I'm not. The idea fills me with dread and angst. Bad enough to respond to some of the crap online! ugh. Not just ugh. OMG ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME??? is more like it.)

The shower? :H:H:H Oh, I'm pretty sure she knows she's got your undivided attention. oy. Should be fun, LA. Enjoy the ride. If you get there...

And make no mistake, if you were still tying one on at the bar on a regular basis she would not be talking (with you) about being wet and naked. lol.

Make. The. Call.

:l

Oh, and the body thing? The middle of the night, mirror gazing, "what does it actually mean to be human?" thing?
I read some of Einstein's essays and thoughts on religion and the nature (or not!) of life last year when I was still so high/happy/full of booyah from figuring out just how amazing life is when I was no longer enslaved.
It was a bit mind-twisting. You might want to try it.
And now I'm reading An Autobiography of a Yogi recommended by RedT. My first reaction was rather skeptical (that's being nice) but I'll tell you what, those yogis/swamis seem to be experiencing some of the things Einstein was hypothesizing about. Really. Weird to think of it like that, and again a little bit mind-bending.

My husband is pacing around in front of me, has just told me we need to "kick rocks" and is generally being annoying. (I have not had internet in TWO DAYS!) Gotta go onto the next leg of the journey.

Lay off the coffee and the Red Bull. (seriously, I think that concerns me more than the booze. just my opin, of course. blah blah blah)
Hope you don't feel like shit today.