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    Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

    One of my cats tends to throw up hairballs at night, which is fine except for finding them and cleaning up the next day. And the sounds, the sounds are awful especially as I'm trying unsuccessfully to sleep. The other cat doesn't seem to have a problem.

    There's this kinda-sorta-medicine for it, the hairballs, that helps everything pass and not get clogged up in their tummies. Laxatone, it's called, and can't help but giggle at the description right there on the tube: "Tasty lubricant for..." well, forget it, I can't get past that part. Only one of the cats thinks it's tasty, though, and guess which one? So I'm chasing the cat with the hairball problem all over the apartment, grabbing hold of him by a leg as he scurries under the coffee table, dragging him back scratching along the wood floor out into the open, with a finger slathered in this oily goo that for some reason just has to be brown, and rubbing it on his nose like the instructions say. It says this should "stimulate his interest." Sure, if "stimulate" means a crinkling nose and claws everywhere.

    Some nights he does get the hint and seems to like the taste. Then there's tonight when, and I feel bad for it, I just wipe it all over his front leg. He was gonna lick all that fur anyway, at least now he gets some medicine along with it...

    My evening was spent similarly avoiding medicine, though fortunately no one was chasing me around the apartment with a shot glass.

    The rest of the day wasn't too bad. After waking up and having a cup of coffee this morning I decided to go back to bed, or back to futon rather, and slept until about 11. That was lovely, and the thermal carafe for the coffee maker is even lovelier, as I had hot, not-burned coffee when I woke. Ahhhh, the simple joys of life. Went down to the bookstore/cafe for more coffee, then to the bar where I graded some student papers.

    Backstory: the bartender is also the general manager, so she's there early in the day doing manager-things, takes a break mid-afternoon to go do whatever it is she does, then comes back for the evening shift behind the bar.

    Dear Lord in Heaven above, I promise to be good, and make amends to those I've treated unfairly, if you promise that every day when I go to the bar during the morning-time she's wearing that same tight, stretchy-knit white shirt and those pink sweatpants. And if, on her way out the door, she happens to again run her hand across my back as she says "see ya' later" I honestly don't care what you need me to do. Volunteer to teach orphan lepers to read in a tuberculosis sanatorium? Done. Overnights supervising a homeless shelter? Already did that after my 1st DUI but I'll do it again, no problem.

    Back to the bookstore/cafe for more coffee, graded papers. Walked several blocks to the only other cafe in the neighborhood for an espresso, graded papers. Back to the bar, graded papers. She booked a cabana on Catalina island (very small island just off the LA coastline) for the day of her birthday. Can't help imagining hammocks on the beach, a bikini and daiquiris for her, mojitos for me. Hell, that's so Hemingway-bullshit we might as well throw in some swordfishing, but a lovely thought nonetheless. I guess it's paid per-person, since she says her o.m.friend gets a senior discount. What. The. Hell?

    Anyway, it's a kind of joyful heartache I haven't felt in a long time, seeing both a smile and disappointment in her eyes when I say it's time for me to go. But the rest of the night's been a continual pull toward the kitchen cabinet.

    Above my refrigerator there are 2 cabinets. On the left, I have the e-cigarettes I never managed to switch to, a box or 2 of nicotine patches, many boxes of nicotine gum, my bac supply, and 2Ls of club soda. On the right, mostly empty right now but there are shakers, mixology books, the flask with my initials engraved on the front, and whiskey. For a long time they've been called the Cabinet of Hope and the Cabinet of Despair, respectively.

    Honestly I kind of prefer the Cabinet of Habit for the assonance and alliteration. Doesn't quite capture the true feeling, though.

    The ex-girlfriend from back home called, a little tipsy and on her way home from work. She thinks I'm still sober since February, or did, and asked about it. Said she could tell, a couple nights on the phone. Said she could tell I was talking with my hands. Funny how that always gave me away, with her even over the phone. The boyfriend she's been with since me is leaving her for a job in Indianapolis, so she's leaving him before he moves. She says she's so damned lonely. And I feel for her, but I also felt the somnolence kicking in and started falling asleep on the phone with her. She didn't seem to notice but would've expected it if I were drinking. Maybe I should just crawl onto the futon every night and give her a ring--better than Benadryl, Gabapentin, [EDIT], better than anything for sleep.

    Before that another friend from home called, the one who knows mostly about the drinking and the bac, the one who's pissed at me for sleeping with her and being a total asshole way back like 2 years ago, the feelings of which flare up every now and again. They're flaring up the past few days and she isn't really speaking to me, but 2 of her closest friends are dying of cancer, and she found out tonight 1 of them is being moved to hospice. A lot of crying interrupted with "I'm sorry I shouldn't be calling you right now, I just didn't know who else..."

    Ugh. And this post is threatening to turn into a whole chapter. Really, just another sleepless night in Los Angeles. NE, wherever you are exiled out there in the real world, when you make it back here to the virtual one I'm looking forward to your admonishment over all the coffee in this post. As well as for the Red Bull this afternoon--but I did get lots of grading out of the way. And the f--king test question job just won't leave me alone. More of that to do tomorrow because I can't really think/see straight right now...

    Good night, friends. What're we on today, 9? Yeah, I think that's right. #9.

    Comment


      Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

      spacebebe01;1346718 wrote: I have to confess to 1/2 a can of red bull yesterday, ... it was a moment of madness, pure and simple, I have no excuse for it. I just did it!
      :H
      omg. I am so in love with MWO and you, Space, in particular. I agree, LA. It's a nice little corner of the world. [So nice, right now, that I'm a bit superstitious about it. The trolls are sure to arrive any day now. Please, can we collectively agree right here and right now that we will not let the darkness in for a little while longer? That would be so lovely. Just hit ignore, peeps. Responses DO NOT WORK. A little preemptive, paranoid plea from Ne. (How 'bout that? )]

      So. The coffee and the Red Bull. Whatev. Sounds like you're bringing your game, so I've got nothing to admonish. Oh, wait. One thing. Okay, two. oops, three.

      Find a tool. Meditation is what worked for me. And comedy. I counted my breaths and I only listened/watched/read funny things. (One in, two out. Up to ten. Then start again. If you get to 17 or 32, no worries. Start again at one. If you forget where you are, start again at one. It's not quantifying or labeling of each breath--this one is 1. This one is 2... It's the repetition. And the thoughtlessness. We breath. We count. It will focus you on what it is you do best. And you do that best, despite your (irrational) fears about it. (If you're lucky, and like me, irrational fears will disappear for a while. That is a gift tantamount to sobriety. And a whole 'nother conversation.) (Sorry for all the parentheses. I am past caring, atm. Professor. ) Any tool will do.

      Then pick a time. It's lights out. And pick another time. It's lights on. If the lights in your brain come on, and your mind starts to freak out, and it's not lights on, then use your tools.

      Three. Make the call. Nothing to lose. Something to gain.

      In all things, no worries. Be gentle. But be disciplined. (If you want. I'm just saying that it worked for me. Really, really worked. And RedT was a BIG part of that. So listen with your eyes wide open to that yoga dominatrix. If you want. :H)

      I am on the eastern shore of MD. On 200 acres (++) of marshland. It's a bit surreal. I'd expound, but you don't care. Suffice it to say it's my safe place. And now I'm trying to help get it ready to sell. Thank . 'cause it's a challenge out here.

      I picked more than 20 ticks off of the beloved Goose this morning. She likes to chase the rabbits, and then I guess she sticks her face in their burrows and comes back covered with the feckin' things. I am inured to the disgust factor, because we've been coming here for a decade. But I'm over it and she just showed up from the woods. Dammit. It does get old. And she tangled with a raccoon the other night when I wasn't here. Lots and lots of varmints and parasites around. ugh. Plus it's mother effin' hot. Stupid crazy hot. I cannot wait to get back to my lush and decidedly un-wild retirement community.

      One last thing. Enjoy (really relish!) the regret and remorse. 'cause in the new day, in the new world, hopefully you'll see that's just a waste of time and energy. Doesn't help, doesn't work, and I (for one) just don't have time for that crap. Life is too short. Literally. Sorta. :H

      Sorry for your friend that is losing her friends. I am very glad she can turn to a sober you to have as a confidante. Also glad she's half a continent away, ftr. That's good for you. Sleepy is still better than drunk. Really. (Are you zooming in on other people yet? That's an interesting phenomena.)

      As a happily married woman I am really enjoying the sublime torture you're experiencing at the hands of the bartender. Sorry. But it's true. CAUTION: That zooming in on other people thing? Not to be underestimated. More than one of us has fallen in love when on HDB, and it doesn't really reflect reality. This is not to be considered trite or silly. I mean it. HDB=L.O.V. Really.

      Great update. Thanks. and :l (I hate it that they don't give you more than 6 emotis...)

      Comment


        Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

        cabinet of habit. :H yep. or it will be soon enough.

        And congrats. You rock.

        Comment


          Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

          Wow that's a lot to take in. I like the hot bartender story though. Guess I would be grading papers there, too. Good inspiration to start the day.

          Love Catalina. Have not been there in ages. I could see being there right now very easily.


          Funny who old relationships turn up that way. Always when something is ending it seems or maybe she just needs support it sounds like.

          A lot of drama going on there. Well at least your friends from the past stay in touch. Mine are flaky and I can't even be honest with them as they probably would not talk to me for a while. Such is life.

          Have a good one.

          Comment


            Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

            It was bound to happen. There will either be a long, more rambling than usual post late tonight or nothing until tomorrow. Either way, there won't be a # at the end of it.

            Heading off to a birthday party. Was going back/forth about drinking, actually leaning towards not.

            I'm going to say I'm not throwing blame around, or excuses, but it's going to sound like a lot of blame and excuses. Birthday party or no, sleepless nights that actually seem to be getting better, whatever--of course I've been wanting to drink. Even as I actually took an almost panic-free 1/2 nap this afternoon.

            [EDIT]

            I don't know why I had to throw that out there... it has nothing to do with drinking tonight. Just, just I don't know. Let the letdown commence.

            Comment


              Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

              Bummer, I've always been the underachiever or the problem child.

              Don't dwell on things. My family is/was a mess. Did not even know about where my cousin's funeral was not long ago. 40 and liver failure. Show me a functional family and I'll show you a lie.

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                Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

                StuckinLA;1347242 wrote: Let the letdown commence.
                Wrong crowd. Try here:

                General Discussion - My Way Out Forums

                Thing is, drinking against your will sucks. But it is the nature of the disease. You can flog yourself with the big book all you want, and that definitely works for some people. Didn't for me.
                Which is not to say that I think making the decision to drink is a good thing, or that it's not a decision. It's still a decision. but...well, that's a whole 'nother discussion...

                Sorry about your mom. That's a doozy. I can relate a bit. I would think it was ill-timed, but maybe not. I'll leave that to you.

                Hope you had fun. Hope you don't feel like crap. Hope you don't give up. And I really hope that you can continue to be gentle with yourself...

                xo

                Comment


                  Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

                  Did you know they have Rain in My Heart permanently attached to the top of the forum over there? I was just going to politely ignore that the General Discussion folks exist, and let them do what they do... but I guess you're right, might as well join them if I'm going to be whining and crying for attention like I am tonight.

                  10+ years, NE, I've been hanging on to the bad and the ugly that comes with drinking. The bits about how I wish growing up was different, but not wanting to change it because I'm who I am because of it, and buying in to most of (all of) the prevailing rhetoric of "inner demons" and the struggle and everything else. Writing coming from some deep inner pain, or whatever, and if I'm not writing at least I can have the outward trappings of booze and generally be pissed off at the world. Yeah, this is definitely the wrong crowd for that.

                  So sorry, but yes I did throw up a big feel-bad-for-me-my-life-is-soooo-hard flag. Glad no one took the bait, I guess, but can I have 1 night? Please? 1 night to throw a pint bottle of bourbon in my bag as I head out to a party, like I did back when this was just what I did before a party, or before going to a movie by myself, or before going to class. I know--I've been really up front about knowing--that I'm dumber than most folks here and there's huge parts of me that want to hold on to all that crap. That's why I started bac in the first place--because I know I won't really sober up on my own, so thank God it looks like there's a way to outsmart myself.

                  I don't know what I'm really saying here. Because I'm glad you called me out on my shit, yet at the same time that last paragraph is all about dammit why don't you feel bad for me!?
                  I'll just fall back on "documenting the journey" or somesuch, instead of facing the fact that I brought up my mother of all things. Is there even a way to be a bigger cliche?

                  And can I not write sentences with an internal rhyme? That last one was horrible...

                  Comment


                    Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

                    Just keep writing. :l

                    Comment


                      Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

                      StuckinLA;1347455 wrote: General Discussion folks exist, and let them do what they do... but I guess you're right, might as well join them
                      I havent read back yet but stuck are you really going over to the dark side????NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:H

                      Comment


                        Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

                        Im sorry and I know I can get very silly so I apologise in advance for causing possible offence to anyone, this was a joke.

                        Comment


                          Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

                          :H:H:H Space. I "get" it.

                          I loved reading Ne's post, where she said she's never had "another" Day 1. I do read around. It's utterly fascinating to see how different this demon is for each and every one of us. I had One Day 1, years ago. It was the day I told my friend, lover, supporter, enabler . . . that I was going to go to AA. His response: "Yeah. I've heard that before." Well. Something about that compelled me to go. And that WAS Day 1, for a few years. It was an interesting time. I didn't drink, every day. I went to a meeting, every day. I spent money I didn't have, every day. I kept on trying to make life work, every day.

                          Eventually I drank one beer, and That. as they say, was That. Until I found MWO and baclofen and it worked and I started working (literally). I didn't think of it as "Day 1" of anything, except receiving baclofen from overseas. My heart really does go out when I see people returning to "Day 1," again and again, with, apparently, excruciating pain. Not being under the lash of alcohol, thanks to baclofen, my paradigm is different now. Which doesn't mean perfect. I recently told a friend, "I am so far behind, I have to make a new starting place."
                          "Wherever you are is the entry point." --Kabir

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                            Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

                            OK well that happened. Was looking for an excuse, found one, and feel today about as y'all would expect. And kind of lashed out this morning like a twat, which might just be the worst part of it all. My first instinct is to hide, but that's like taking my ball home when the game doesn't go the way I want. So, first off, sorry to all.

                            And I bet you already guessed it wasn't even that kind of a party to begin with. I didn't embarrass myself or anything--I doubt I stood out one way or the other, like at most parties--but I don't have to worry about losing my reputation as a drinker, either.

                            No one here's giving up, and I'm not getting drunk, but it'll be a few days before I get back to completely AF. I do so desperately want to go back, though, and I'm not even sure why.

                            Comment


                              Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

                              And did I really just spiral off into this defensive freak-out because I missed NE's quote of my "letdown" comment, and so instead feel like I was getting a wholehearted smackdown for drinking/wanting to drink/sorta blaming drinking on things other than myself? Yep, I think I did.

                              Um, my bad.

                              Comment


                                Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

                                StuckinLA;1347455 wrote:
                                And can I not write sentences with an internal rhyme? That last one was horrible...
                                I prefer alliteration. Probably because I don't rhyme very well. We tend to gravitate toward what we do well, right? Like, for instance, drink!
                                I also like assonance. I like the actual word. It rolls around in the mind. Lovely. Completely unrelated to the topic at hand, though. I just thought I'd point that out.

                                In re-reading what I've written here I can understand how you might interpret it as dismissive of your feelings or arrogance born of "been there, done that." That wasn't my intended meaning. At all. Quite the opposite!
                                When I read your response yesterday my first thought was to rush right in here and straighten it all out. But I figure that sometimes our internal dialogue, the one that interprets things for us, tells us what we want/need to hear regardless of what the intended meaning is in what we are taking in. I hoped that was the case. Plus I figured you were hungover.

                                Keep in mind, will you, that I'm just a chick in Virginia going through her own process...Not that I haven't been there and done that, 'cause if I haven't I've been friends with someone who has! Or at least read about it, studied it and given it some thought. Mostly. ha! Sometimes I just write and I sometimes get it wrong. sometimes really, really wrong.

                                I sometimes write what I need to hear. There are many people who still live in a place of regret and remorse after they get sober, bac or not. I choose not to do that. Why? Because I was a drunk. Now I'm not. There isn't anything that has happened to me, or that I've done, that I can't handle the burden of now that booze isn't deciding how I feel and what to do about it. People who are seriously ill with the flu, for instance, don't make very good decisions. They just want to get home to bed. I had the flu, almost permanently! :H And when I didn't have the flu, I was suffering from the temporary insanity of wanting booze more than I wanted to do the right thing. Or anything. I will get on my knees this morning (again) and be grateful to that I don't live there anymore!

                                Now when I fuck up, I make it right or I try to not do it again. It's pretty simple though it sometimes sucks. That's the purposes of steps 4 through 7, isn't it? Learn how to get over it! And be thankful you can! So many great lessons in that program. But most of us don't need/want to use it. Our loss, in a way. (But the thing is, and this is profound, you don't have to do it to get sober. You just have to take the pill. That's it. Doesn't mean you'll be happy after the fact though, and I wanted to be content, so I looked to the people who were not just sober, but also content. And I followed their lead. Still do.)

                                The parent thing? The lot we are dealt in life? Whatev. I can say that because my childhood was pretty idyllic. Sort of, because it's all relative. My Dad's got this disease but held it together. Sort of. And I've been in therapy since I was about 14 because my mom is a psychologist and that's when life started to unravel for me. (Not coincidentally, of course, it coincided with when I began drinking.) So I've had decades to get over that and move on. It was/is very helpful. Bottom line is that there are plenty of writers whose parents were perfectly fine. Also, suffering is the human condition and writers put words to that...We definitely don't have a lock on the drama that makes us who we are. This could be a matter of debate, however, and I look forward to it!

                                I'll try to temper my 'lessons'. Truth is, I'm really, really excited for you. Drink. Don't drink. Whatev. I'm pretty sure you'll get here, and I don't see/say that every day.

                                You might appreciate that I spent the drive home yesterday listening to sappy love songs and torch songs and stuff that took me straight back to teenage-wasteland world. HA! hahahaha! Then I got sick of it, and moved on. Plus, when I hear that stuff now I tend to rewrite it in my mind so that it is positive. I do it automatically. Very annoying when one is trying to relish angst!

                                That's what I mean la. It's up to you. You get to choose the path. And how you'll feel about it once this part is over. But it's not as though life ends. It really doesn't have to change that much at all, I suppose. Mine sucked, even though I didn't know it at the time, and protected it with every breath for months and months and months. (Almost 4, to be precise.) Then I hit the magic mark, and I got the "easy" button and I really started to work! The pills were brutal. It's not the easy way out, for sure. And anyone who says so can, as Space so eloquently put it on a different thread, fuck off. Hardest thing I've ever done, most people don't make it, and for that reason I'm pretty sure I can do any G.D. Thing I set my mind to. Ya' know?

                                Speaking of G.D (general discussion)....Let's live and let live. I know I brought it up, and my bad. My point was that if you want to feel badly about "relapsing" then you'll find support for that outside of the meds threads. Generally we embrace drinking around here! :H and :upset:
                                I figure that some people (most) don't got it like I got it. Taking medication is a big step in the current climate of rehabilitation. (OMG. I mother effin' hate that word, and it makes me laugh, too. In a demonic way. Rehabilitate me??? How's that working for you??? feckers. I have a ways to go to get to zen. I'm quite content being occasionally seriously pissed off. ya' know?)

                                Sorry for the tome!

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