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Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac
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Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac
And completely unrelated to everything, have a great day folks, I'm off to class.
http://www.gregoryhan.com/wp-content...-on-books.jpeg
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Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac
Gotta love John Waters.
All of my GFs are bookworms, but none of my boyfriends were. And Ed likes a good book, but doesn't breathe them like air. Perhaps I need a foil--someone who doesn't disappear for days on end into the pages. Or identify so strongly that he takes on an accent.
And again, completely unrelated: I need a good quip, or riddle or limerick for a party invite for a 40 yo man. Nothing too snarky and nothing related to his actual age, because he is having a very hard time adjusting to his age. (the knucklehead. As if that matters...) Anyway, wanna write something? I've got to send the invites out tomorrow. I've spent the last couple of hours googling to no avail. My humor button is still stuck.
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Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac
Um, considering the last birthday card I bought (for myself on my own birthday) had a picture of a coffin on it, and said "Here lies the body of a man who died of natural causes. I think he was your age," I might not be the best person for b-day invites.
But you could always go the cheesy rhyme route, like:
Yes it's that time of year,
But really there's nothing to fear.
Just another day
For us all to get together and say
Happy f--ing birthday.
Or, and I did this for a mother's day card, you could find a random quote that's apropos absolutely nothing. I happened to find a very nice, heavy stock card with an embossed skull and crossbones and this quote from Mark Twain:
"Every now and then we had the thought that if we lived, and were good, God would allow us to grow up to be pirates."
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Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac
A student emailed last night, after he's missed 2 classes in a row, to say his bipolar disorder is acting up, he's having a meltdown, and he'd like to withdraw from the class. I'm not bipolar, that I know, and so I have no frame of reference here, but my first thoughts were ones I could not share with him. I wanted to say, dude, I know you wrote a crap first paper and got a C-, but I'll get you through this just keep coming to class and writing the damned papers. Then I wanted to say suck it up--I'm having a meltdown every single night and I'm still here every day with f--ing bells on.
But even thinking about that gave me a feeling I'm not sure I've had before: my God, I have to face another day. I was raised Presbyterian, and the first Pastor I remember was pretty great. He told stories instead of lectures, and tied the story up into a neat little bow by the end so there was a lesson to be learned. One of the stories (not the lesson, sadly) still sticks with me, though not the exact details:
There is, or was, a South American tribe living basically as we'd imagine a South American tribe living. In the jungle, open fires for cooking and warmth, small make-shift shelters. And one of their rituals is/was to, as a group, rise in the early morning while it's still dark and climb to the top of a tall hill near their homes. There they'd wait for the dawn, and as the sun broke over the horizon, they'd begin wailing. Screaming and moaning at the top of their lungs in utter horror that there is in fact another day.
Writing it down now it sounds like total BS... but that sums up what's going on and I'd never really felt that on this level as I did reading that kid's email.
Last night was weird. Talked with the bartender, or listened rather, about the mirrored changing room where, not to worry, she ended up finding 3 swimsuits, but had to go buy them at a different store because they didn't have her size. She grabbed her chest to illustrate, and it's understandable--her size probably doesn't just happen to be in stock most places. Which led to a story about why she doesn't wear tube tops, and this catering job she had years ago where she had to wear a dress without straps, and halfway through the evening she realized why everyone was being so attentive...
But I have competition. She then spent a lot of the night talking with some d-bag who's started coming in earlier ever since the night he rather rhetorically asked why I'm the cool guy she spends time standing near, and she let him know that I'm here when it's not busy so it's quieter, and I listen to "all of her BS" instead of talking all the time.
And then 2 of the older regulars bought a couple rounds for me, which is lovely but actually makes me feel really uncomfortable. I even asked the bartender about the etiquette at this particular bar--do I return the favor tonight or wait? She told me to wait. Even still, as I was leaving I told the other bartender to put a round for them on my tab as I was closing out. Of course, they declined and one came over to say don't worry, tonight's on them.
Everything just feels like it's going wrong.
Of course a lot of that is HDB + anxiety + drinking heavily. And I have no idea what to do about that. Last night I realized I'm pretty tired of writing drunk posts, and my laptop kept freezing anyway. I finally turned it off instead of throwing it out the window and watching it sail out into the night over the hill, which would have been pretty awesome, seeing it fly over the houses below me across the street, and set against the LA skyline. Then, of course, I realized that the laptop is black so I wouldn't really see much of it at all at night.
And a friend here in LA, who I haven't heard from in a while, texted, and she's really depressive. I mean she's often depressed, and I wish there was something, anything I could do to help. She's a lot like us--not a drinker but she definitely loves the words. She's pretty much my mentor when it comes to teaching. When she asked how I was doing I inexplicably told her about MWO, and said it really helps. Like I said, she's not troubled by booze, but I thought she could use some support for the emotional disaster that is her day-to-day.
Didn't give her anything more specific than the message board page and the page for the meds threads, but 1) if she does any digging at all she'll be able to pretty easily figure out who I am 2) she might just be the only person I know in real life who I'd give my username to. Not even my friend back home, actually, the one who hears a whole lot of stuff about drinking and HDB and all that, the one I slept with and who was with me New Year's Day when I went to the hospital the first time (a lot of "firsts" in this post, for some reason...).
No, this woman here in LA, I'd have no problem with her reading this thread, and it's pretty much the same as a lot of the FB emails I wrote her back in the day anyway, when she had the energy to read and respond. So who knows, I might have a lurker soon. Or she forgets all about it. And I don't really no how to go about this--MWO isn't a secret or anything, right? I mean it for sure feels like a sacred space (I clearly remember a post of NEs to this effect...) but it's cool to share, yes?
Now for the nitty-gritty details. I have to call my new lawyer in an hour, and find out what I have to do to start the process of getting my driver's license back. This will involve an alcohol evaluation and a lengthy/expensive series of hearings to prove that either 1) I'm not an alcoholic or, and this is the really fun part, 2) that I am an alcoholic but so bad that I'm truly ready to recover.
A good friend recently went through this. He was sober almost 20 years, with no AA or anything, and would come to the bars with his wife to hang out. Anyway, he had 4 DUIs way back, and only recently realized he even could get his license back, so I wrote a character letter for him and he had to go to AA for a year. He was basically the sober person I wanted to be when I got sober, and a couple days out of the second hospital I learned that while trying to corral his dogs off of a frozen pond he fell through the ice and drowned.
That was really random, but it's the kind of sh-t I think about when I think about getting a lawyer and maybe having to go to AA for a year.
Then Thursday morning, bright and f--ing early, I have another call to make, and we'll get this HDB ball rolling for real. And I'm scared as f--k. Because of the Intolerable Anxiety thread, and what NE and Murphy and pretty much everyone else went through, and what if I don't have benzos to help me through? If I time the titration right I might go through the worst of when I'm visiting home, actually, which might work if I come clean with my parents and just have them take care of me--which I don't f--ing want to do. It also might not work with planes and travel and having to start a new semester at the end of August. I mean, I have to be at trainings and student orientations and everything because I'm starting a "new" job teaching in a different program here.
Moral of the story? Careful what you wish for, NE, 'cause you'll get a response longer than what I have written so far for my dissertation. (EDIT: Though, to be fair, this edit alone is longer than what I have written so far for my dissertation.)
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Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac
StuckinLA;1351214 wrote: ... Screaming and moaning at the top of their lungs in utter horror that there is in fact another day.
That is one way to greet the day. There is, in fact, another. just sayin'
StuckinLA;1351214 wrote: ...and a couple days out of the second hospital I learned that while trying to corral his dogs off of a frozen pond he fell through the ice and drowned.
That was and is my greatest super secret worry bead. That I'll FINALLY have it all together, all going on, and the whole thing--the process or something related to everything I've moved on from, will bite me in the ass and slay me.
Whatever. Better now than then.
I am very, very, very sorry about your friend. That just sucks. What sucks worse is dying a drunk. Especially if he'd been drunk, while trying to corral his dogs on ice. Then people would think not nice things about him, too.
I sincerely hope that isn't callous and/or creepy. I am in the process of accepting death (EDIT to add this: :H) and I blame it on that. (sh)It happens. Let's hope there's something else, too.
As to the rest...well, later. I'm officially late.
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Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac
Are we still doing the nightly thing? Seems folks get worried if I'm not here overnight, so yeah, yeah we are. We are fairly drunk and here after watching the nightly news and reading plenty of articles online. And watching clips on illdoctrine.com, which I'd forgotten about for far too long.
I know, I know, after my Underworld suggestion (OK fine, it sounded like a command!) you have no reason to trust me. NE, my heart broke listening to the description of your morning. My God, the crisp pre-dawn air, the glowing dragonfly, it all made me think of times I woke early enough to be alone and drink a cup of coffee on the porch. Oh so good, those few minutes, like when I woke Christmas morning and went to the living room and turned on the Xmas tree lights, and sat there looking at the presents in that gray that only Xmas morning brought. The way the light was just different, you know, when no one else was there to spoil it?
Anyway, no, Underworld won't do that. But if you're in the mood for a rave, try starting at the 54:30 mark--that's the famous song from back in 1999. Or just watch Trainspotting. Both of which y'all should really do anyway--so, so Goddamned good. This time around, though, I say stop reading and right now go to illdoctrine.com. It's... um... a revelation.
Tomorrow I'm just showing a movie--Batman, actually. The Dark Knight, so we can do an assignment on surveillance and the law... And it works out really well, as the 3rd installment in the Batman series opens on Friday. Maybe some of my students will see this and want to go out to the movies and sleep with each other afterwards. See? I'm bringing people together.
Another of my students is also having a rough go of things. His father was just diagnosed with cancer, and his best friend I guess just died on Friday? I have no idea how/why that happened, but I had to send him an email tonight saying he's used up his absences. I want nothing more than to help him through this... like the bi-polar kid. But at a certain point I'm supposed to be the teacher.
Bi-polar kid also didn't show up today or contact me. So he's done. I hate this shit.
Argh. I don't even know where I'm at, literally, I think. I had a moment just now, walking my apartment looking for where I set my drink. Found it, but it was the wrong coffee mug and there was coffee in there. The correct one was in the sink. So I'm about to go to bed, I believe, and we'll see how that goes. Bed, and thinking about how empty it is there.
Set a bunch of alarms for the morning, but it is the wrong morning. My call to Dr L is Thursday, not today. So instead I'll wake up and write the assignment for my students that I was supposed to write tonight. And it's all OK. It really is, because as shitty as this is, I'm not panicky. I'm not sitting on the edge of my bed with my head in my hands and a cigarette in my mouth, with 911 on my phone and a thumb hovering over "call." No, I'm not right there right now, so however bad this is, it's better than that. I just wish so much for a different choice, ya' know? Like I know there's something else out there and it's on the tip of my tongue... And if I can just hang in here a little while more...
Then all those fantasy-dreams will come true. I can order Heal Thyself from Amazon and have it delivered to my parents' house. I can send an email that says "Dad, this sounds like total BS but I really need you to read this, and we'll talk about it when you're done." And I can sit down in Beth's office for a "follow up" and say "hey, I made it."
"I went through hell, and you saw some of it and I spared you the worst of it, and I didn't email you freaking out and complaining and bitching when it was really bad and I needed someone to take hold of my hand and tell me it would be OK. No, even when it was your hand there that I wanted most. No, I sucked it up and did it, and now I'm better. For me, for you to be proud of me, and to tell the whole wide world to EF-OFF."
Got a ways to go before then... Getting ahead of myself already. But you see, now, what happens when I start writing and nod off and then come back. Oh well, regardless at least there's a nightly update now.
And speaking of updates. OK, so I found out during my last round of conferences which student has a crush. (There's always 1 with a crush.) This time around it's the very sweet pink-haired girl who was nice enough to tell us all that she's worked in the sex industry (if you read back a few posts you'll see...). Yeah, she's the one with the crush. So I sent an email to all my students with a link to an awesome video (actually from the same site I'm trying to send y'all to above), and she responded and then I had to write back, and someone tell me to just go to bed. Because I love it when people are interested in ideas... It warms my heart, but this should be shelved for another time. And oh goddammit, even as I type I realize how ridiculous this is...
Good night everyone. And so, so sorry. I don't even really know what's all been said here...
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Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac
huh.
Ok. Bipolar kid? Not your prob. Sad but true. That said, I read and wrote down this great paragraph from Autobiography of a Yogi last night having to do with the fact that though "God" and spirit are unrelated to "human" and...this (earthly things, I suppose) being in touch with one puts us much more intimately in touch with the other. (Are you following this?) And that the combination is heartbreakingly achingly sad, and beautiful. And truly a great combination for contribution to our fellow sufferers. Good stuff for a bit of bedtime reading. :H
I almost always have a crush on my teachers. And hate 'em too. The bastards.
You haven't read the book? What the hell are you waiting for.
And dude, listen. Asking for help after you need it is a bit ass-backward, i'n't it? And showing up at the door of the person who is being paid to help you, or the people who love you and would do anything to help you, after you are well is also a bit backward. Plus it doesn't work like that.
The fantasies pretty much will come true. Mine have. And if it helps you to know, I'll share with you that the sex is feckin' phenomenal on this side of the bridge. Mind-blowingly, mind-numbingly, outrageously good. So good I have wondered aloud if it is 'normal' because it feels a bit naughty. And this from a married woman who has been having sex (and with the same person for the last decade+.) for a looooooooong time. So. You've got that to look forward to. (Oh. And Ed apparently feels the same way. Thank all that matters!)
That is all for today. :l
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Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac
Oh, wait. You lost your drink? (And being discombobulated comes with the territory when one is drunk, sleepless, in the middle of the night. Bac or no bac. You are simply lucid enough to know it in the moment. As opposed to all those times when you weren't. just sayin)
jkttdp
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Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac
Ha. It might just be, but I heart you for it. And it sounds like a lot to look forward to, provided I can find a willing partner...
But Stuck is taking the night off, and is just going to get hammered. Because there's a phone call to make in the morning, and that's going to be the way out. But tonight he doesn't even want a way out--he only wants lots of drinks and lots of not thinking, and maybe an old standby drunk-writer movie (Big Bad Love, if anyone's interested). Rather than burden the reading public with the play-by-play like the last few nights, let's all just imagine what's going on, and kindly avert our eyes.
Oh and he's sure he'll spend some time later in the evening planning the spectacular sex he'll be having after these shenanigans are done.
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