Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Space, I want to say I'm really, really proud of you, but that sounds condescending to me. A better way to put it is that I respect what you're doing so, so much.

I am on the AF ride today and yesterday, but I'm a total pansy. You fought through the other night, didn't buy any vodka, and made an incredibly strong and brave decision. Me? I went up a notch on the bac and don't really feel like drinking for right now. I actually meant to drink a little Saturday night, as I don't want any withdrawal. But I wasn't feeling it when the time came, and I went with that. Dealing with some insomnia issues, but otherwise I'm OK. I really hope you are, as well. :l

So absolutely no whining tonight. If you guys catch any, call me out on it.

187 since Friday, y'all have seen me waffling about that a few posts back... I'm sticking it out for now. No real plan other than 187 laid out in the little pillboxes for the rest of the week. (Now that I'm writing it several times in a row it comes to mind, isn't 187 the radio code for murder, at least in the US?)

Got super tired this afternoon. Came back home after getting a sandwich at the laundromat and an iced americano (yes, also at the laundromat). When I got home I wanted to read--theory, for work! Finally, but got through maybe 3 pages before getting really tired and deciding to try to take a nap.

I started a thread to post the dream I had. (That's not going to be a regular thing...) Decided to write it out b/c there's so much going on there that's clearly fruitful for a psychoanalytic interpretation.

Funny thing was, as I was trying to relax and fall asleep without panic, I decided ya' know what? I'm going to try to think about the bartender. I know, it's kinda creepy and probably more than a little sad, but it's her birthday and she's at the cabana by the beach, so I tried to really imagine that. At first it was like watching a TV screen from far away, but eventually got to where I could kinda occupy my own space from which to look at the imaginary world.

It was really lovely. Tiki hut with a bar, the beach, and the ocean just a little ways off. The bartender there. And here's what's weird and where I started losing control of my own imagination: I was standing in the shade of the hut and feeling really self-conscious 'cause I'm overweight and all that, and she was trying to lead me out into the sun. I knew in the sun I'd be confident and different and whatever. But I got stuck at the edge of the shade, and while trying to run after her it's like I'd hit a wall and end up running in circles around the hut...

Yeah, I know. It's totally obvious and totally lame. And I really do hate people who try to tell you about their dreams. But somewhere some shit in my head took over and I figured I'd try to write it out, as I remember so few dreams. Plus, so little happened today that would be any interest to anyone...

Anyway at least the other one might be entertaining... And with that I'm going to try the futon again tonight. Just took a neurontin, so hopefully that'll help with the anxiety and the sleep. Even if it does, I promise no more dreams!

Night all :l

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Thanks you Stuck that means a lot to me, but I do think your wrong in saying you are a total pansy, you are not a pansy at all so get that thought out of your head right now You made a brave decision to continue taking bac, to go up with the bac, to not drink and to pour your heat out on here. You are so far from a pansy that you can get.

Im made up that were sober together, like twins. Stick with it stuck, we will get through this x

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

My dosing schedule was all off today. Most of the time when I wake up for a few minutes early in the AM I'll take my morning round to get it out of the way. So when I woke the second time today at 9 or whatever I thought I'd already taken the morning pills. Wasn't till after I finished up a phone conversation at like 11 I realized I hadn't taken any yet.

Doh.

So I figured I'd take the next right after I was done teaching, but even then forgot for an extra hour, so I'm taking the second round at 5.

Stopped at the bar to say hi. The bartender fell right asleep on her little island paradise, poor thing, and missed most of her birthday. She started telling me about all the guys (regulars) who went with, and how they showed up at her house at 6 AM still drunk, and drank like 1/2 a dozen beers while she was in the shower, and kept it going all day. Then the other friend who showed up in her dress from the night before, saying sorry she didn't have time to change so came straight from the party. And how the other bartender right here next to me is great, 'cause she's like a vacuum for all the leftover drinks. Anytime someone comes by to clear the table she finishes anything and everything left on the table first. Can't let it go to waste and all.

Most people would rightly think about how sad that is, but I got bummed out, thinking I wish I could still get down that hard. So I sipped my club soda a little furiously, and listened. Then my next round is on that same guy from the other night, who's sitting way at the other end of the bar... but I'm like I'm not drinking, which phases everyone not. So finally I just say I have to go and work on stuff for class, getting more and more down and a little uncomfortable. And the bartender looks actually sad, asking if maybe I want another club soda or a juice or something, but no, I really have to go, I just stopped in to say hi and there's kinda a sad smile but I'll see you tomorrow. I then walk straight to the liquor store and buy a bottle of bourbon.

Walking up the hill I'm asking myself who hides their drinking from their freaking bartender? Maybe it sounds cooler to say the evil twin, Space, but really I'm just the dumb one. The only hard and fast promise I made to myself like 2 days ago? No more whiskey in the house. I did manage to just put it in the cabinet, and I did dishes instead. I made tea, and read a little.

Finished up the bac at about 9 and midnight, so a little closer together than I would've liked, but got it all in. Fell almost straight to sleep, but woke with panic about 45 minutes later... Going to try again in a minute, hoping for another night like last night: woke up twice, only 1 panic, slept for I think like 6 hours. So, yeah, here's hoping.

Holding on tight tonight so I can wake tomorrow feeling as good as I did today.

[EDIT: Space, I did not mean to make light of your twins comment. That, and the rest of your post, means more to me than I can put into words. Thank you and hugs. Hope you're doing well still.]

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Dude, that all sounds like torture. Sorry.

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Stuck I do hope you have managed to get some decent sleep and the whiskey bottle hasnt woken you up, you will have to decide yourself whether you are going to drink it or drain it, I know the best thing would be to get rid of it but I dont know if I could, I think I would be compelled to drink it. Yesterday when I was clearing out empties from under my bed I was in a bit of a panic in case I found any drink there, and then I remembered I had taken the antabuse so it didnt matter. Have you thought about taking antabuse? it does help me when I dont want to drink but know Im likely to cave in.

I do kind of wish you had taken summer off and had a break, but then again, you might be on a full blown bender if you had so maybe not, anyway the fact is you didnt so theres really no reason for me to have written that, can you get a few days off before the new job starts just to get away from the work, the hill, the bar, with all this lack of sleep and decent food and worry you are probably pretty exhausted.

Try and take it easy today

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Good morning everyone, um, and good afternoon or evening or even night for everyone else...

Won't say crisis averted, since I've only very, very rarely poured anything down the drain (except coffee when ready to switch to booze at that exact moment :H). (Which, incidentally, is the reason I won't ever buy Evan Williams. Not exactly a long story there, but does have something to do with the first time I white-knuckled 28 days. Maybe that'll be tonight's post.)

Anyway, just the one panic. Went back to sleep a little after 2 and woke up around 6. Thought about trying to go back to bed, but after spending a few minutes here realized I'm up. So made coffee and now y'all have to deal with me being AWAKE and crazy-posting everywhere! :H

Space, I'm so, so, so glad AB works for you. Please keep it up! For you! For me it's funny, but it's pretty much the one and only thing I will never consider. I thought about going into it here, but I think I'll save that too for tonight's post. Something to look forward to (or dread, if peeps are getting sick of me )

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oh yeah, and Space I had the first 1/2 of the summer off. Sure would've been nice to make a big push bac then, but I'm an idiot, so I was on a bender then, sort of :H. And probably :upset:

No sense making it easy...

[RedThread12]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I agree, Stuckin-la; no sense in making it easy. That was one of the first things I noticed when I started drinking waaaayyyyy more. "Shit," I said to myself, "drinking like this means I have to expend at LEAST 2x the energy that it would take to just live." And somehow I felt kind of justified, that I actually HAD 2x the energy . . . for a while . . . kinda'.

What I've come to understand probably sounds goofier than it (the principle) is, or I, am. Things happen when they should. Period. (Note signature quote below.)

Promises don't work. We all know that; you know that. God knows that. She doesn't give (I think this is the correct phrase from Tawny Frog and our Oz'y friends) a fat rat's clacker about yours, or mine, or anyone's. It's just frontal lobe cells telling frontal lobe cells a story about their life. That's why baclofen CAN work. It's a medication telling your basal ganglia and mid-brain that everything's okay, and life can proceed without alcohol. (I'm reaching on the neurology, but I'll betcha', if pushed, I can do the proof!)

Seems like "hang in there" would just be more of the same for you, so I'll send you a hearty kick in the butt to do something totally off the wall, that requires total sobriety for a short period of time. Sky-dive. Rock climb. Bungee jump. Oh . . . . I've totally GOT it now, :H:H:H pm me and I'll put you in touch with a friend of mine in LA who will get your a** in shape with yoga and take you for a flying trapeze lesson. There ARE other things than bars and bartenders in LA, and as exquisite as some of the repetitive ones are for literary purposes, we would prefer you feel ALIVE!!!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

So this would be 2 years ago in September I think, when I was still taking classes and teaching and all that. Had a 3 day weekend for Labor Day and spent it as you'd think I would. It was great. I made sure to buy vodka, which I never buy, so I had bloody marys for the mornings. I'd sit outside on the huge concrete staircase and smoke, and talk to friends who'd still take my calls, and look out over the LA skyline while not thinking about the class I was teaching, my PhD, or the novel I wasn't writing.

That Monday morning something new happened. I woke early, sort of, and couldn't go back to sleep. I'd always, without even trying, been able to sleep off hangovers until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. This Monday, though, I was awake and couldn't get out of my bed and I was panicking. I knew it was a panic attack, but I also knew a little bit about liver failure and how it can happen pretty quickly. How it'll take a few days once it hits. So I felt like I had put a time bomb inside myself, like I'd finally done it. I went to the kitchen and poured the Evan Williams down the drain, and hated myself for getting to the point where I was buying booze based on cost. And I hated the fact that pouring it down the drain wouldn't diffuse the bomb in my liver. It would only make me feel like I'd finally made a principled stand for something, finally.

Then I called my French girlfriend, who was still dating me at the time, for quite a while after surprisingly, and asked--begged--her to come over. This would be about an hour for her to get here, a small part of why we eventually ended our relationship. She dropped her plans for the day and came straight over, even though when she got here I couldn't tell her what I needed. I walked up and down those concrete steps, alone, my own stairmaster where you can smoke at the same time. She did all the dishes piled up in the sink. When I came back in and went to bed, she sat by me for a few minutes. Then she straightened all the papers on my desk and went about all the other little domestic things that make all the big differences. She was never far away, but never hovering over me while I writhed in bed, sweating, either.

I did not have another drink for 28 days. I remember this number pretty clearly, because I remember thinking I'd be getting out of rehab today. I remember starting to feel pretty good, and confident, and funny, after the first couple of weeks. I wasn't going to AA or anything, I just wasn't drinking.

So what happened was, it's funny, but I didn't just decide that I'm out of rehab now so I'm drinking. No, I flew back to Chicago for a weekend. My best friend, my best drinking buddy since the firehouse days, his dad passed away after battling cancer. And I'd be damned if I wasn't going back for the funeral. The reception--is that even the right word for funerals?--was at the bar where my friend and his dad were legends. "Church," they called it, because of the NFL and Sundays, and you get the idea.

Of course I was going to have a beer. C'mon, we all know better than that. And I didn't sober up again until I was in the hospital on New Year's Day of this past year... if someone cares enough to do the math.

The worst part is that my takeaway from the whole thing seems to be "don't buy Evan Williams."

Anyway, Red I would totally PM you except that yoga terrifies me. Thank you for jumping in, though , because you're right, I do need a shock to the system. And I am going to work on that. Until then, it's JKTTGDPs.

Goodnight all. Or good morning, or afternoon,

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I really don't want to leave that last post just hanging there, so here's the explanation:

It started as basically a footnote to the paranthetical a few posts back, about "hey, maybe I'll tell that story tonight..." Which might've worked out great, as I planned to tie it in then to something about yesterday. And viola, a nice, interesting, narratively satisfying post.

But I got really, really sleepy, started nodding off, and instead of scrapping the whole thing I tried to thank Red, didn't quite do it right, hit post and went straight to bed, and now it's all weird just hanging there like roadkill.

Regardless, I might cutting back a little on the nightly thing. I kinda sorta feel like it's sucking up space here, but more importantly my thread is starting to take a lot of time from me (not MWO, just thinking about my own performative nonsense). And it's no longer a way to deal with panicky badness. Instead, I'm using it to avoid doing other stuff. Writing a diary is fine and something I should do anyway, but trying to write a diary that's cool, funny, entertaining, and sometimes a little sad--but sad that's emotionally resonating and not whiney? (I'm sure it's only me piling on all that pressure...) That's difficult and I don't feel like I'm pulling it off all that well, because nothing's really going on here and the bartender rom-com's getting played out. :H

Going up to 200 tomorrow. And after some things that have been said here, and reading a few (granted, not many) bac threads on a support forum for paraplegics, I've pretty much decided not to believe in SEs anymore. Tired in the afternoon, sure. A little foggy-feeling, yep. Various sexual SEs, F-ing unfortunate, but yeah. But nobody's saying anything about the sleep/panic/can't breathe/OMG I'M GONNA DIE. Not even on the thread titled "I Hate Bac____."

Anyway, drank a bit but less than I thought I would once I started, slept well and woke up feeling good. Not going the letdown route, but did want to be honest about that. And throwing mad love out there for everyone doing their thing. (And Space, please think about what NEs saying :l)

Hope everyone's having a great day!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Goooooood morning!

Yep. 3:30am here and I'm WIDE awake and ready to start the day...which doesn't really start for quite a while. Why is it that 4:30 feels like a good start and 3:30 feels like it might be insomnia? hmmmm.

All that time I've been spending lazing around here this summer is coming to fruition...Next week I'm closing, moving (twice--three storage units) and helping to throw a 40th birthday party. Painting the entire house, and the kitchen cabinets, and the dining room table, and, and, and...

feck. I'm so in the weeds.
Sorry to make it all about me. Sometimes that's how MWO is, you know? I post because I need to, because it helps me sort things out and move on with the process. Living in this space allows me to focus on something other than Ne, too. AND I get the added joy of walking through my daily life thinking about things I want to share with anonymous (?!) online strangers.

I will never (ever) forget the night I dragged the dog out of her bed and took her for a walk/run around the water near our apartment. I was FREAKING out and could not get out of my head. Didn't think I could go on with bac, didn't think I was going to be okay, was pretty sure I was crazy. And I was probably still drunk/hungover from the night before. (I don't remember that part, but that's how it used to be for me.) Despite the fact that I lived in a city, and it was predawn dark, I had the music on my iPod so loudly the entire world was silenced by it. My mind wandered to this place and I started taking pictures with my iPod so I could share what my world looked like with people from far away. The new dawn held so much promise that morning. Because I got to see it, and my life, from the perspective of someone who lived in Zimbabwe. And East Asia. And England. And then, stuck, I got to see it from some grand perspective...The one that connects us ALL. And I knew it was all going to be okay. Simply because I was composing a post for MWO in the middle of the night when I was scared and thought I was going to die--or worse, live a long, miserable life of struggle.
That was in January 2011. I was indifferent to alcohol less than two weeks later.

So! How's things?

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Ha! I can't imagine dragging anyone out to do anything, more like they'd drag me out. Except for my cat's birthday last year--and honestly in a couple of days now again--waking him up at midnight to give him treats. He was so confused.

Things is good NE, and yeah, I'm using things in the singular for some reason. Feeling a little weird about the thread... not sure what that's about except the incredibly awkward post from the other night. Which more than anything made me wonder WTF I'm doing and if anyone's reading, and if they are how I'm probably disappointing them. 'Cause I haven't yet been able to reproduce the mango. I liberated several what I thought were apples but turned out to be pears from the fridge at work, but that's not nearly the same.

And after a few days of not drinking I'm drinking again, and profoundly happy about it, in a way. And I don't think it's right to post anything about that--even though I just clearly did--because the people I truly care about here are doing the exact opposite. I feel like a f--king fraud. It's not like I wasn't drinking against my will. For 2 days I wasn't drinking against my will. Wanted to, had every intention to, but just didn't feel like it so I didn't. Then I felt like it, and I did.

It's just like Red said, work 2x as hard to make up for everything else. And I'm getting there.

So the short of it, since this has grown far too long and rambly, is that I feel like I'm OK. A bit drunk and not editing, clearly, but feeling OK. Going up tomorrow. Going to fill the good doctor's script tomorrow or the next day. Going to reach indifference against my own will, and see what happens from there. At this point I don't give a fuck--I've slept just fine (relatively) the last couple nights, today I took a perfectly panic-free nap on the bus (still can't believe how normal that was, dozing off like everyone else does), and I feel like it's all gonna work out. Which makes me feel guilty, because my friends are struggling and me? I'm not doing a damned thing, still being that asshole and just waiting for it to happen. And worse, wanting to be that asshole. But that's just how things is.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Or maybe I'm just drunk and manic.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Glad to hear you've made a choice, stuck. 'cause no choice is what we're used to and you don't have to live like that anymore. And here's the thing, the absolute crux, the only thing that really matters: If the choice was to maintain equilibrium, then there is no point in going up. None whatsoever. It doesn't work like that. It makes much more sense to go down, find a comfortable place with baclofen and either manage your drinking or commit to abstinence.
I'm not saying it's right. Or wrong. I am saying it is absolutely not indifference. If what you want is indifference, then you have to Just Do It.

While I'm being perfectly blunt, and honest, I will say this: If you had the right tools, were willing to get and then use them, you would be indifferent to alcohol in a couple of weeks. You're that close. Without them, it'll take longer and it will be more uncomfortable. But IF you decide to keep taking the damn pills, no matter how much you hate them (and I get it) you will not believe the doors and windows that fly open. It's how you felt yesterday, when you were just getting on with life, times infinity.

How do I know this? Part of it is gut instinct. Mostly, though, I've studied it, seen it, lived it and know it intimately. You can believe the bull shit--the naysayers, the people who get their information from YahooNews and live their lives scared and running. Or you can trust the people who are happy, who continue to gather information and share it knowing it's absolutely legitimate. I'm not JUST referring to myself. There are many. They just get tired and worn out and well, we're all busy.
And I am about to be very, very busy and don't have time to beat around the bush anymore, or wait it out. This is too important. The truth is too important.

I'll take care of that benzo thread first thing tomorrow. Because it's bull shit.

RedT has never given me a suggestion that was too much for me to handle. Yoga or otherwise. Look for what works for you--here and elsewhere. (and then push yourself a bit) Because manohman, the things you'll see and the places you'll go will pale in comparison to what you think you want or know.

Or I could be crazy. And so could RedT and Murphyx and bleep and Serenity and Lo0p and the many, many others who have done exactly what you are trying to do and then...Did It. Using the tools I now pass on to others. Free of charge. Which doesn't mean they're not valuable. Or that this isn't expensive. Because one of these days, someone is going to come along and take this passing on of truthful, legitimate information as seriously as I do. And then it becomes personally expensive.

Rest assured, the reason that your story on this board is not like any other is simply because you are the only one taking HDB to get to indifference. And I'm here (and others too) to help you get there should you continue to want the help.

It seems that you've gotten off to bed. or at least to the futon! I hope today is as profound and mundane as yesterday.

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I havent got much time to post right now stuck, sorry, and really havent got anything constructive to say, except that for those days that you didnt feel like drinking and didnt drink is great, and the fact that your carrying in with the bac. I disagreewhere you say that your not doinga damned thing, you are doing something, your trying to change your life and taking the bac and waiting for it to work, thats fucking massive.