Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I'm trying my very best, NE, but Maxwell House is the depths of hell :H

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Agreed. I threw a bunch of it out when we moved after I bought it in bulk when it went on sale (with coupon!) at WallyWorld.

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Don't ya even have a Dunkin' Donuts near you?? Or is that not a good enough blend? It's better than instant that's for sure!! And Maxwell House!!

But that is very cool that there is a delvery coffee place! I need one of those here!

[baclofan]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

taw;1360855 wrote: Don't ya even have a Dunkin' Donuts near you?? Or is that not a good enough blend? It's better than instant that's for sure!! And Maxwell House!!

But that is very cool that there is a delvery coffee place! I need one of those here!

Sorry to interrupt but there's one of them not far from where I live, always greasy smell but thanks for the idea afterall - they must have public washroom

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

No double Ds in California, or at least not natural ones it seems (sorry :H). We do have whole beans at the store around here, but it's every bit as expensive as Starbucks or Peets, which is better than Starbucks IMHO.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Feels good to have less cat fur everywhere here, and clean sheets on the bed. Well, actually that's more in theory than practice, as getting into bed is truly painful on my legs, regardless of the cleanliness of the sheets. Too bad, really, as yet another holdover from the old days is 2 sets of 1,000 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets. Oh, so comfortable, so tragic not to share them with someone. Funny, too, how easy it is to figure out right away which way the set I just put on fit--just match the hole in them with the cigarette burn in the mattress. Thinking back on those days, it's remarkable how much was different.

[EDIT to remove personal details.]


Time to wrap this up, but every ending feels silly. I'll go to the doc and see if I can do something about the pain in my legs?

Taw, I'm so beyond thrilled for you. Yes! This isn't silly at all for an ending, it's perfect. You made it nearly into the stratosphere, if I'm remembering correctly. And I want to be very careful here--want to, but might not be capable right now. In my really really super humble opinion, this does not mean that bac won't work for you. What it does mean is that you have inner resources that are beyond my comprehension. Anyone told me last month I'd go to 320 and I would have choked them. And while they're on the ground gasping for air I probably would have tried to stuff 320 in their mouth. Now? Whatevers. If that's where I gotta go then that's where I'm going. I'm as high as I've been ever right now, and it's fine. Not fine--I'm kinda spacey during the day and wasted at night--but I know I'll be fine, eventually.

I'm truly believing it's mindset, or maybe at least starting to believe. And yours (your mindset) right now should be on posters. You went sky high on bac and felt it wasn't the right thing for you, and now you're off bac and sober on AB!? Holy God, woman, you have some inner-fucking-strength. And I hate that kind of rhetoric. So, if we can all please, just for right now in this one moment relating to Taw, if we can please completely forget that Oprah ever existed. Because Taw, you're not caught up in the rhetoric of personal tragedy porn. You're doing some shit that I can't wrap my mind around, and you're doing it every single day.

And tomorrow I think I'm gonna snap off on how mind-bendingly awesome Space is, but I don't want to suddenly turn this post into the boot camp thread on GD. :H But Space, seriously be warned, you are incredibly awesome.

With that, before things get really weird, a good night to all.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I'm really sorry, ladies, I'm muddling everything right now. Was it maybe Windy who went that high? I swear I try to pay attention, and yeah I'm a bit tipsy at the moment, so maybe I'm not remembering correctly. But Windy, too, I can't wait for you to get settled in [wherever you are] and let us know how you're doing. (I know you're posting a little in the last couple of days... but still.) Anyway, good night for real. Mwah.

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Morning Stuck!! Yes, it was me that went to 320...and after that wonderful praise from you...will go bac that high if I need to to get to the goal!! Wow! That just made my month!!

I think all of us here would love to read your essay on you Futon. Writing is so theraputic. I feel like compared to you, Ne, Red, Bruun, pretty much everyone on here I am so inarticulate, I have a journal for the not so well thought out thoughts, that after getting everything out there I feel so much better!

Here's a thought...when you can get rid of the futon, what about making a small pillow out of the mattress? I know its corny, but a small piece of of it? It would not be front and center in your life, but there if you need a comfy reminder. Now, don't ask me how to do that, I did not inherit the domestic gene, and cannot sew or cook, but I am sure it can be done...Anyhoo....

Have a good day, Stuck!

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Thank you thanks you Stuck your saying that has just picked me up today.
I drink instant coffee, and some of them are very yuk, I dont have a coffee machine but I do really enjoy a nice cup of coffee when I get one out. Ok Im off shopping for some nice food now, bye

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

This is where I'm a crappy conversationalist, as there's lots I actually want to say about coffee in Britain, and yet instead I'm just going to launch into yet another self-absorbed post about me. Me, me, me. Even after 2 touching, lovely replies this morning.

My class ended today, finally, and thank all that is holy. But it makes me realize how much of the last 6 weeks is a blur. Really, a blur. I vaguely remember the arc of what happened, and there's my thread to remind me, but to sit and actually try to figure out what went on in that time? No way. And how much of my life is just like that? Too much, the answer is too much.

Going back to before AL, even. I don't remember my mother getting sober. I barely remember her drinking, except for a few poignant moments and a general sense of "what things were like." Like I very clearly remember one night being on the phone with a friend, I was in my bedroom, and Mom picked up the phone in the basement, and I forget what she was saying but I was embarrassed, and it turned in to me yelling at her. She came upstairs, I was still on the phone, and then she's in my bedroom crying and carrying on about I forget what, and she's trying to hang up the phone so I'll talk to her. I pushed her away, she fell onto my bed, and then I hung up the phone and in that moment I thought I might actually punch her. I felt every bit of myself wanting to hit her.

And I clearly remember the Saturday in the parking lot of the library, that I've mentioned on this thread, and so won't go in to again. I remember weekends where she'd be passed out before lunch, and then awake, and then passed out again before dinner. But I don't remember what my dad and I talked about at dinner. I remember that they stopped being invited to parties, and that they stopped having friends, as in there was never anywhere that I had to go with them in the evenings anymore. But I don't remember what filled the time.

The sad point here is that I also don't remember her getting sober. I know there was a point right after I started smoking, so this would be around the time I was 16, that she stopped going down into the basement every night. And so she wasn't down there sitting on this old couch, smoking cig after cig, drinking her handle of gin, and so we moved the couch into the other, larger part of the basement. And I moved my bedroom down there, and suddenly I had what amounted to an apartment down there. I was 16 and really pissed, about everything. If this were AA I'd say my disease was already showing itself then, even though I was only cutting myself and getting high and not sleeping and crying, but not drinking yet.

But Mom must have gone through what we're going through. I think now of how hard it must've been for her once she quit--quit smoking, too. It's unimaginable to me. But there's more, more that I haven't been able to process yet. And that's what she went through every Goddamned day when she was drinking. The fight. The resignation, the habit. Picking up 2 packs of Benson & Hedges Ultra Light 100s, when I, even as much as I hated her smoking (I was a runner, and nagged her relentlessly), would ask why she didn't just buy a carton, not understanding the limits we don't even think we're placing on ourselves. The habit of buying 2 bottles of red wine and a 1.75L of Beefeaters gin on the way home from work every night. She was so driven to succeed at work, she made partner at one of the largest law firms in Chicago, and then the hellish nightmare when she got fired, that I can't imagine.

Point is, I think there's a point, the point is that it sucks. And it's going to suck for right now. And maybe for a while, Space. Honestly, yeah probably for a while. Your kids have no frame of reference for what you're going through. God willing, they won't ever know it like we know it, and I will actually, literally pray for that. But they will eventually be exposed to enough information about addiction, and alcoholism specifically, just by being people in the world, that they'll understand a whole lot more of it than they do now.

You are fighting. I see you fighting. You are trying everything at your disposal, and you're here. You are reading, and you are posting. You have not given up. You're crushed under a lot of shit, and yet you haven't let anything beat you down. That's fucking amazing. And I'm sorry, but from my perspective at least, it will probably be years before you have any real recognition for it. That is so damned unfair. But as long as you hold on, as long as you stick with it--with yourself, with us, with the fight--I (can almost) promise you that it'll all turn around.

Because the memories will be really vague, and time will seem like a blur, and a few moments will stick out always, but what's going to matter is that you are stronger than any of this crap. What's going to matter is that you never stopped fighting for yourself and for your family. What's going to matter is not how you were, but how you are.

And you are amazing.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

So sorry, folks, for the double post, as well as lying to you. The library parking lot story is not on this thread, it's somewheres else. So to be brief (for me):

I was 8, maybe 9 years old, and Mom took me to the local library on a Saturday morning. She loved books, still does. She reads shit, but whatever, at least she reads a lot. So I needed some books for school, or just something to read for myself, I don't remember. What I do remember is walking out from the library, into the parking lot under the bright-as-shit sun, and saying to my mom I really like you when you're like this.

Of course I meant it as encouragement. Like, hey, this is great and if we could do this kind of mundane crap more often it would be great. I meant it as a compliment. But now, living with this disease? I see how devastating that must have been at the time. I say at the time because there's no way she remembers it at all.

I haven't talked with my mom about her drinking, or her sobriety. I brought it up once, the last time I was in Chicago, after the hospital, and I think I was just like how did you do it? And I meant both how the fuck did you hold down any job, get other jobs when you got fired from those, and then get sober? How on earth... And she didn't know. It was 17 or maybe even 18ish years ago. She doesn't remember. She doesn't recall her drinking being as bad as I recall it being, and it's been so long that getting sober isn't even a blip on her radar. Maybe that's why she's so easy about being back to wine. She's spending my inheritance on wine, and that makes everyone feel better. Because it's so expensive, and she won't deign to buy anything less than $60/bottle, so she obviously can't develop a problem again, right? :H:H:upset:

The other thing I wanted to clear up was how traumatized I was by wanting to punch my mom. I was pretty athletic back then. I didn't have AL to deal with all my problems, so I worked out. I have a black belt in TaeKwonDo, and I was actually really, really good. My dad took me all over the midwest for tournaments on the weekends, and I ruined a lot of other kids' dreams. You'll all just have to trust me on that one, but this was right around the time that I'd just gotten my black belt, and I wanted to strike my mother. I, at this time, could send my hand through 3 or so inches of wood easily, and I was standing at the edge of the bed, looking down at my mother sprawled there, shaking head to toe. Realizing she was drunk, and that whatever she'd said to piss me off, she didn't remember saying it. She didn't know. It was the whole pattern of fucking everything, yet it's the same reason I wouldn't punch a dog that pissed on the rug--because it didn't know better. But then I had to understand that I was looking at my mother in the same terms I'd look at a dog.

Sorry! This was supposed to be a short clean-up post. Forgive me, I'm drunk.

Still, I need to say something about my DUIs. Because I'm not irresponsible anymore. I was fucking ridiculous in my 20s. Not anymore. That first one, my best friend's dad had just been diagnosed with cancer. We got fucked up. We were at several bars. I woke up when the cop knocked on my window. When he asked, I told the cop I'd dropped my friend off at home, to make sure he was safe, before being out here on the expressway.

What really happened, I had to wait to hear from my friend. So, what really happened: we went to a bunch of our favorite local bars. We went to a favorite local strip club. This I almost kinda remembered, but then we went back to his parents' place, where he lived. His dad with the cancer was there, and the 3 of us went down to the basement and drank a bottle of Jaegermeister. I'm told that at the end of that I looked at my friend and said I can't drive, I have to stay here. I don't know how I could have made it up the stairs and out of the house, much less in to the car, but I was found 30 miles away on the expressway off ramp.

That's right, found. I must have come to enough for a moment to realize I was driving, and so pulled over. But I got off on an off ramp that had 2 lanes. Instead of parking on the shoulder, like I must have thought, I parked in a lane of traffic, and fell asleep. The cop was called for what's called a "citizen assist," because someone saw the car parked there where it shouldn't be. And it shouldn't be there, because I must have been on my way to my Ex girlfriend's house. No idea what I thought would happen when I got there.

I can only assume that whatever I was trying to say was said. Again, sorry guys, I'm pretty wasted at this point. My bad. And I hope this long ass post doesn't overshadow the last one. Or, rather, F the last post, except for the part about Space. I do hope it came across as motivational/inspirational/happy. Because if not, well. If it didn't, then I should just shut the fuck up forever. Hang in, Space, hang in.

And for everyone else, there's http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XdOmCRjRK4[/video]]this

I'd say good night now, but I'll probably be around for a bit. But good night! Please don't go! (have to watch the video for that to make sense.)

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Sorry but I have to be quick but do need to reply to you Stuck, thank you so much for telling me about you and your mum, there is stuff there that I cant go into but it does mean a lot to me. I can remember when I first started trying to not drink, it much have been around 7 years ago and I was in the kitchen cooking and my eldest son came in and started messing around, we where laughing and he said to me "I love it when your like this mum", he is the child who has the most problems from my drinking, who Ive hurt the most, but that has stayed with me, I hope I never forget what he said although he probably has because I also love it when Im sober and having fun as well.

You have put so much into getting better and given so much to MWO Stuck I admire you for that, for the past six months youve been trying and trying and not given up, and I hope you never do

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Morning Stuck! Your library story makes me cry everytime I read it (in a good way). It is on my thread and I go back and read it as a reminder of why I am doing this. And I too thank you for sharing about you and your mom. Really puts things in perspective, at least for me. The damage that is fucking disease causes, but we have the power to make it better. I was telling my friend last night that I think I am too open with my 10 yr old son about AL. But no one ever told me. When I first came home drunk at 15, some one should have pulled me aside and said Hey, we are a bunch of alcoholics in this family, this is in your genes, you need to be careful, this is what could happen.

But no one did and here I am....I do not want my son to go thru this. He might, and I cannot stop that, but hopefully he will have more knowlegde than I ever did and not get blindsided like I did.

I hope that a lot of what happened during my "episodes" he does not remember. He was pretty young.

I think it is good that you do remember, Stuck. You are trying so hard to beat this. You remember your mom, and don't want to repeat that. You can beat this!! and will!!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I've only read the first one, La. I'll save the other for later.

Wow.

So that's where the period goes! After the parenthesis.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

My dad is beyond amazing. But he's also not very good at certain things, like when Mom was in the depths of her mess, and he was sort of concerned that I might be curious about AL. So he just said hey, if you want to know what drunk feels like, I'll buy you a bottle of vodka. Don't eat that day, and take the bottle in to your bedroom and go for it, and you'll know what it feels like. Never took him up on that, but it actually sounds a lot like my 18th birthday party... argh, another story for another time.

Anyway, his version of the birds and the bees story was asking, every so often, you get anyone pregnant yet? So anyways...

Yeah, that's where the period goes--at the end of the month. Er, the parenth... er, winky-face.

So many hearts. But I have to run. Trying to get up and get showered and on the bus, as I have to meet one of my bosses to grade these final papers today. In like, um, an hour and 45 minutes? Ugh.

Hope a good day is kicking off for everyone (or finishing up... time zones...).