Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Because we abbreviate. "Bac" rather than bac___n. 'Course now ya' gone and dun messed that all up. I'm no longer in cognito!

:H

Actually it probably is for the best that this thread specifically doesn't come up... I've put way too much on here that would make me immediately recognizable to almost anyone who knows me. And then I would have to kill them... I wish there was a more maniacal :H here, maybe one rubbing it's hands together evilly, or slowly stroking a cat in its lap, or something...

And I'm glad you're here, too. Where are you searching, BTW?

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

That's awesome, Space. Own it. The shopping was good. A couple pairs of new jeans that are pretty much the same as my old jeans, only bigger (damn!), and she convinced me to pick up a pair of khaki-ish type things... mmmm, not sure but it could work maybe? They'll make my closet look very sophisticated at least.

So homelife is picking up a little, and regardless at least everyone is wearing their clothes around here :H (Ha! That's more about Windy than you, Space, I love PJs and think they are wonderful. Except in my case when they're like a dozen years old and so stretched out they kinda fall down and then I have to take the trash out or random people show up or whatever.)

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I think we share the same pj's stylist :H

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Was the counselling a compulsory thing you had to do from the court? in that case its good you dont have to go, but not good if you wanted help, what a rip off, se he just gets the sheets of paper, which he probably sends off or otherwise bins and gets the check, bloody hell I wish I had a job like that, no work and all pay would make me a rich girl

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I just think its funny the whole "help" thing. I know more about this disease than they could probably teach me, and I for sure have more tools available for "recovery" than they could possibly imagine. Including HDB but of course also MWO. Anyway I'm really glad I don't have to go back... It's just I feel like I should get a discount now :H

[Bruunhilde]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi folks,

Stuck, that's a hellova trip you made. I don't think you have any worries about being relieved of your burdens and liking it. So many people are frightened of death, I'm just afraid of the dying part, the pain and invasive medical techniques. I do believe life is harder than what comes after, that is, until the next life rolls around. If it does! My theory is you get to choose. Otherwise its just not something I want to really think about. I do not consider myself suicidal when I look forward to that release of burdens.

The drunky drunk crossword puzzle sounds hilarious! I'd need a drink to get through it.

Space, LOL, PJ's! I've actually almost done that, and a couple of times in winter, I just put a coat on and wear'em out, figuring unless there's some sort of accident and they have to peel off my jacket to pound on my chest (god forbid), no one will be the wiser. I kinda like running around braless without proper clothes. Just think what it would do to my mother! She'd be so disgusted! LOL

So Stuck, tell me your new khakis do not have pleats in the front, please. Otherwise you might want to mail them back.

Carry on, comrades!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Holy f_ck, guys, talk about panic. Just went to bed a 1/2 hour or hour ago, and am now on the porch typing. When I got up I almost walked into my parents' room like when I had nightmares as a little kid, I don't know what for... to go to the ER again? To say goodbye? Anyway fortunately I figured out what was going on and came out here instead. Smoking, typing, the cool breeze and darkness, made even more complete all around by the bright screen here, and it's enough to calm down. If this crap would go ahead and stop anytime now that would be aces.

Careful what ya' wish for, Space. I may just show up on your doorstep in ill-fitting PJs for those peanut M&Ms. But hey, if we play it right we could work from there filing paperwork for ridiculous money... How are you at writing drunky Xword puzzles?

I'll be sure to leave the khakis here, though they're really not that bad--no pleats, more like beige chinos. Should've gotten the shoes I looked at. With the sale + Gram's discount they would've been like $20. Don't know why I get so skittish about accepting stuff, as she clearly was looking for things to buy for me. I have far less trouble taking cash from Mom and Dad, even when it comes with an air of resigned disappointment.

All my "counseling" is done and ready to go in the post. I meet with the lawyer this morning in about, um, 7 1/2 hours, then Jessica from the big post is picking me up and we're going for coffee. Not only do I want to see her again while I'm here, but I do want a chance to explain why I'm such a lightweight and what all happened, not that I really even know. Then dinner with my ex and her son.

Ugh, the ex. I moved to LA to get away from her, and we still held on to our relationship long distance for 2 years. Visits, nightly hour+ phone calls. Until one spring break when she came out to Long Beach and I could tell right away it was all different. She didn't literally run into my arms at the airport. Turns out she'd met the guy she's still seeing now. We've only slept together once since then, I think, while she was with him and I was with my French girlfriend. Now he's left her for a job in Indianapolis, and she's devastated. But here I am in town, and she was off work so we'd planned on seeing each other Tuesday and Thursday. Only for her to call saying she'd left for Indy at like midnight after work Monday night, spent a couple nights down there and I'll see her and her kid tomorrow. I'm in town for 8 days and she goes to see him?

I have no idea why this bothers me. She's nothing that I want except great sex and validation--but validation for all the wrong reasons. More like enabling, but she isn't even in that wasted place anymore. Sometimes, sometimes she's still the jaegerbomb girl, but not that often these days. And I'm clearly not the same guy, I hope, and never wanted her in the first place... but I'm still really, really bothered. Something about it being her and me, secret and special. Started when she was married to one of the guys at the firehouse. She'd visit "him" at work, and wear ridiculously revealing outfits for me. That's actually how she worked to get my attention in the first place... Then after her divorce, even though I cheated left and right, she was always the one. And that scared me 'cause I'd be Stuck with her forever. Now I'm not, and not even the bad guy anymore, but I'm also desperately alone and still even looking at old pictures of her sometimes. Like the photobooth strip on the corkboard above my desk, where we look so silly and happy, even though the rest of that night was not the greatest.

Too many old feelings in this town. And I'm not even really seeing anyone. Let's just say for a moment last Friday didn't end in the ER, and it was a great night all around, like it actually was until it wasn't. It's still only 1 night. 1 night to hang with my best friend who certainly isn't my best friend anymore, and my Iowa friends who I barely even talk to anymore. Then a couple nights with the girl who wants to be my girlfriend, but doesn't at the same time, and that turns disastrous. Then 1 night with the ex, who kinda annoys me completely when she talks, and it's with her kid who I guess gets a pass 'cause he's a kid. But there's no way I'd tolerate his behavior if she and I were together. Kid's dad is a gamer, so not only let's the kid play video games continuously but actually encourages it, so this little guy has the attention span of a skittle, and won't even look away from his hand-held whatever it is, except maybe to ask if he can play something on my phone. She and I actually try to take him places, like downtown or when they visited LA, and it's useless. Anyway, the rest of the time is spent here at "home." And WTF is that?

Maybe I really should try to get a job in New York or Boston after all this, but aren't you supposed to be drunk in those cities? Well, maybe a job at a decent research university in like the middle of nowhere... no, would definitely have to be drunk for that to work out. F_ck it, I'm aiming for Tulane, where I can really give up, grab furious hold of the bottle, and at least have Mardi Gras every year.

Well, don't know where this post went, but I feel like I get a free pass here when I'm panicky. :H (I'm still experimenting with the punctuation around emotis... can't tell how I feel about it, even after all these months.)

Hope everyone's sleeping soundly or having a good day, depending on which is appropriate for your time zone. In my case maybe I shouldn't have had the after dinner coffee, or shouldn't have gone up to... ah, 237ish? I think that's right. What's 225 + 12.5? Just another day stuck in the life.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Peace out, ninjas! On my way to the airport now... No more StuckinChiTown--back to StuckinLA.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Good trip, SiLA!
Watch out for the minis

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

See you back in LA x

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I dont know what a drunky xword puzzle is, but I would love to make lots of money writing them

haha Bruun I can just imagine you mum having to come and pick you up and the only clothes you have are a coat and a pair of shoes

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Spent Thursday night with my ex, first down at the bar and then at her place. She thinks I'm still struggling to stay sober, only because she doesn't have the attention span for me to explain what's really going on. She's doing a lot better with her own drinking, with a few exceptions lately, and she only had 2 beers that night.

But there's nothing like sleeping with an ex-girlfriend, and having her not even approach your side of her bed, to put things in perspective. Or not. She kept talking about her BF, who's not her BF, who totally left her for a job down in Indianapolis and never admitted they were "dating" for the 2 years they were together. And saying crap like how she has to flip the mattress because he's almost 300 lbs (not fat, bodybuilder), to make me feel like right sh-t about myself. Again, being there with her kid who's annoying, and the house she shares with her brother and mom, and how cluttered and dirty it all is, reminds me how much I don't want a life with her. But I Just Keep Holding On.

Anyway, after the ER last Friday I went the rest of the trip AF. Even the plane. Fairly effortlessly. Then get back here, Skype with the chick I did sleep with, and all blah blah so proud of me blah.

Another really really close friend (probably because she hasn't slept with me) was in Greece, so I didn't have a chance to see her. But she used to own a restaurant beneath my apartment, and her dad made these amazing soups. Everyone's favorite was the creamy lemon chicken rice. So I hang up on Skype last night and make soup, and let me tell you, Campbell's condensed cream of chicken is not like that other soup at all. At all.

So I drank a bottle of wine, which was really unpleasant. Even after the 1st glass, I didn't like the way it made me feel. Then it kind of went in ups and downs, and the last of it was really just forcing it down for no reason--maybe just to complete a goal? And here when I opened it I was worried it was already midnight and this 1 bottle was all I had. Except for the super expensive bottle I bought in Rome. I was actually worried I'd finish this cheap bottle and need more after the 2 AM liquor store closed, and the other bottle might be in danger. :H Yeah, right. The opposite, actually, and yet here I am today seriously thinking about how there's nothing here (Rome bottle doesn't count), and how I should pick up some beer while I'm out running errands this afternoon. Oh well...

I think I got the script sorted with the good doctor. He actually called me, right as I was walking out of the lawyer's office. Well, if that ain't the universe aligning itself to maybe work in my favor for a minute, I don't know what is. So I'm supposed to call this pharmacist near his office, and that guy will mail pills to me. Sound familiar to anyone? Does that work as seamlessly as Dr. L makes it out?

OK, that's enough for now I guess. Just wanted to check in. But one more quick thing:

http://media.vindy.com/content/audio...d.100405.0.mp3

Ran across this in an old thread, and thought I'd resurrect it. Skip to 1:05:00ish, and then continue all the way to 2:10:00 (after that is just lame inspirational music, unless that's your thing ). Anyway, it's a conversation between Dr. A, Dr. L, and a couple of bac-success peeps. Thought it might be good for reminding us why we're doing what we do.

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Stuck,only got a minute but Im glad you posted, I was starting to get a bit worried about you.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

What's up, peeps. First, hey Tex, I hope I didn't come across as a total d-bag earlier. I was just joking around and sometimes there don't seem to be enough emotis. How're ya' doing, BTW?

Soooooo, sober sure is weird, huh? Excepting last night, of course, but today I was pretty ridiculously productive.

As to the rest of it, I'm bloody-well close to the switch, but having a tough time dealing. The fogginess, sleepiness, and insomnia are getting to me pretty bad. I can't breathe, can't swallow. Can't stay awake, but woke up in some serious panic a minute ago... twice, actually, and the way I feel now there might be a 3rd coming when I try again.

Details: At 237 for a couple days now, am thinking about dropping to 212 and moving doses around a bit, like 50/50/56/56. Taking 62 at a time, like I am in the afternoon and evening now, feels like way too much at the moment. I don't know what overdosing feels like, and I seriously doubt this is what it is, anyway, but about an hour or so after taking those I just feel like utter crap. I may need add a 5th dose or something.

So that's where I'm at. Still no drinks today, but a beer or two is sounding like a really good idea before trying to hit the hay again. Not sure, though, considering how little I liked the wine last night. So ing!

Hope everyone's doing well out there in the quiet interwebs. Or maybe not-so-quiet? I am reading around, but maybe not thinking so clearly... And speaking of which, fading hard right now, but panicky-like, and I don't want to get in bed.

:l

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I dont know anything about HDB so cant say much about what your going though now Stuck, but I can say that youve been here before having problems with the se's and you did stick with it and come out the other side so I know you can do it again. Also with the not drinking while you where away maybe you are turning a corner now, you sound different about it somehow, with not really wanting the wine, can you try and stay with that, I have a problem with habit I think rather than need, its what Im used to doing. What do you think?