Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Don't know what I did wrong but I got really sick today. Weak, vaguely nauseous, so spaced out I can barely see, let alone type. Been like this all day, or, well, since about noon.

Started passing out, took a nap. Started some laundry, was fading at the computer and was about to try to nap again, remembered the laundry, tried to stay awake so I could take more pills and at least put the clothes in the dryer. Then tried to nap but got panicky. And suddenly it's 7 PM already.

Just don't know. There's a possibility that I double dosed at some point this morning, because I didn't have everything sorted in my pill box, and I've been kinda screwed up trying to move over to this 2-3 hours thing anyway, but I don't think I did.

Moral of the story is 250 isn't going to happen today. Or it did already and I don't know it. Regardless, there's simply no point in continuing to do this to myself right now. Bac'ing down to 225 tomorrow, and maybe heading down steadily from there, depending on how I feel. Absolutely nothing is set in stone. I'm basing all this on mental clarity, how I feel physically/emotionally, and how AL looks.

Because right now AL looks disgusting. I know, I know, I said it looked pretty good last night. But that 4th beer? And I mean 4 in about an 8 hour period... didn't finish it before going to bed. Took it in and put it on the nightstand out of habit, sure, but it's still sitting there. I don't know what a switch looks like, but I'm OK with bac'ing down at the moment. I'm not doing it to drink, I'm doing it to feel better--and not talking about going off or even down that much. Just down. Who knows, maybe I did just hit the switch and won't know until I'm coming down and still not wanting to drink. (Christ, could I be so lucky? Ha, who am I kidding...)

And believe me, I'm thrilled to be posting this right now, considering who's rejoined our little family in the last day or so. I look forward to ignoring at least a few posts.

To everyone else, though, mad :l:l:ls. Great big ones, for sticking it out with Stuck, and we're not even done yet. Not even close to done.

Except for tonight. Tonight y'all can stick a fork in me, 'cause I'm done like dinner. Or is it supper? Or tea? Oh what the hell do you Brits call it?

With that, goodnight, peeps, I hope it's a good one.

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

We call it food Stuck

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I am pretty worried about you right now Stuck, you where doing so well, feeling so good and now bam, I dont know, yes you need to get yourself feeling better again, you did that last time by going down and I know you also started drinking again at that point but the reason you hadnt been drinking before then wasnt because of the amount of bac you where taking it was because you did that yourself. You stopped drinking without the bac, or at least on a small amount of it. What do you want to do and to happen now, do you want to stop drinking or carry on, I think once you have made that decision then you can plan from it. I hate to see you feeling so bad, and because you have so much work to do it must only be stressing you more and making your anxiety worse, I know it would mine it disturbs my sleep knowing Ive got too much to do the next day and wakes me up worrying about it.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Thank you, Space. I'm hanging in. Or, just kind of waking up right now. I'll be sure to update everyone later on today--maybe even by this afternoon.

But I'm going to use these couple good hours to work, before whatever bac shenanigans decide to visit later on. Much love, many hugs.

[TexasAg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Stuck, I don't know if this helps but I was having trouble remembering when and if I had taken my bac so I set my phone alarm to ring at 6:30, 9, 11:30, 2, 4:30, and 7. I try to take it as soon as it rings but if I'm in a meeting and it's awkward, I'll have to take it later. But I can always tell if I've missed a dose by how many more alarms I have left and how many pills I still have left in my plastic pill pouch.

I hope you feel better, I think you're close if not there. Thanks again for writing, it's always a pleasure.

Cheers!

Day 41 on Bac – 120mg
AF – 12 days
Binge Free - 12 days

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

And then there was today.

Yesterday from about noon on I could've been wasted, stumbling around, passing out, losing periods of time without remembering what happened, panics. Plenty of trouble sleeping and no clue how much bac I actually took. Yeah, probably doubled up in the AM? Maybe? Either way, fell asleep before taking the last 25mg. Goddamned trainwreck, yesterday was. Today's just kinda normal.

Woke up at 5:30, decided that wasn't cool, went back to sleep until just after 7. Got a small bit of stuff taken care of class-wise, took the bus to school to sort out some errands this afternoon. Stupid school owed me money but thought I owed them money... Small bureaucratic nightmare, in the midst of undergraduate move-in day, that I handled with aplomb if I do say so myself. Well, whatevs, the bitches paid me.

Met a friend after, good ol' drinking buddy just back from a summer in Ireland. I was impressed, we met at this craft beer store/bar across the street from my apartment. It's pretty much his favorite place ever these days, and I had to stop calling him for a while because I got tired of him driving home, way on the other side of LA, wasted. But this time he only had 2 beers--if he was honest about the first being his first, he got there before me. I didn't drink anything.

Stopped at my bar, as I keep thinking the bartender wants me to post those flyers around school for her. Well, I can stop stressing, as it looks like she hasn't figured all that out yet. But we did get the chance to talk for a bit. When I finished my club soda she snatched my glass from me and filled it with tap water, which was nice because I didn't have to pay for it... I would've probably left otherwise. Anyway, she let me know she's been wondering about this friend I slept with, and thinks there's some piece of the puzzle I'm not telling her. Because she sees me texting her, and playing scrabble with her on my phone, and every once in a while going outside to take a phone call. She thinks I really do want something more regular with this girl...

Not easy to dispel that idea without sounding like a real ass, but I tried, because it's the truth. Anyway, bartender gave me a tsk tsk, and said in the end it's probably OK because you're not looking for a real relationship.

???

But I am, though.

She tapped at her temple and said no, no there's something about you, I can just tell.

Well maybe I just haven't found the right person yet, but what I wanted to say was something more along the lines of why don't you leave the guy who's twice your age, and who you're always complaining about being unmotivated, and who annoys you with his domineering-creepy jealousy, and whom you've made it crystal clear you don't want to marry, and maybe then find out for sure if I'm looking for a relationship instead of relying on feminine intuition. Not sure if it was more or less articulate than that in my head at the time, but that's the gist of what I was thinking.

So I really did have to go at that point and indicated as much, but there she is refilling my glass with water anyway. There was some more random conversation but it got busy and now I'm at home... And it wasn't until about ten that things got foggy and we're back to zoned out/passing out sort of.

I was strict about the bac schedule today, set the timer on the phone and everything. But I need practice at this, or a calculator, or something. Because I'm not very good at it and find myself having to catch up a little bit by the end of the night. Something about splitting 4 doses into 8, but not factoring in how long I'd actually have to be awake each day for that to really work. I'll figure it out.

Point is, 225 was good to me today, right up until about 10 PM. Now I'm really f-ing tired, but it's also 2 AM... so I guess I should be tired? Oh well, bedtime either way. Holding steady. Not trying to jump on a roller coaster, so small moves, no closer than 3 days apart. And while God himself only knows what I took yesterday, before that it was a steady 237.5 for several days, so really this is only a 12.5mg drop, with 1 screwy day to make things sporting.

Another quiet day it feels like. Hope ya'll are well, but please feel free to check in regardless... Wait a sec, let me put my professor hat back on:

There will be a 150 word, 1st-person narrative of your day on my thread by 5 PM CST tomorrow. Remember to avoid the passive voice whenever possible.

:H

It's all in the wording, really. G'night, peeps!

:l:l:l

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Glad you felt better today Stuck! and hopefully got alot done!

How are things with the bartender? Just come out and tell her!!!

I never took direction well either so there will be no 150 essay...I was on the lit path not the writing path anyway!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Man, I'd be starting to really worry about this bogus professor hat, and hunting down the guy who sold it to me right about now. Except that meeting the kids yesterday went really well.

I mean, really well. The whole 2 hour experience kinda sucked, because one of the Deans gave this lame spiel, then the creeeeeeepy director of the program talked for a while... You have to imagine an auditorium with 200 freshmen stuffed in it, and then a stage being involved. And then these 2 people who think they're really awesome basically saying I Love You to themselves.

And then these retarded nametags... but more like cheap knock-off press passes hanging around our necks by string. Color coded by professor, then some symbol for each writing instructor. So I had "blue," which was really more of an indigo. And some of the symbols were really cool, like this Greek warrior for Ares, and a screaming eagle for Zeus. And mine was... f-cking wheat. WTF? For some god I don't even remember what the hell she did, but I'm sure it was very nourishing or something.

So then we had our break-out sessions, with just the students in the classes for me and my friend Rob. 28 bored faces, and this is the part where the professor was supposed to introduce his class, but he wasn't there. This guy is on my dissertation committee, and he's... a little different.

Rob said he felt like a kid who knows Santa Claus doesn't exist, but waited up for him all Christmas Eve anyway. It's like, of course he wasn't coming. And I was like, yeah, why on earth would he be here?

So anyway then it became the Rob/Stuck show, and I think we knocked it out of the park. Because the whole point of our professor's course is to tell them why all the stuff they just listened to for the last hour is complete BS. We played good cop/bad cop, and kept switching roles. And honors kids are very good at faking interest, but these kids were actually laughing, and really buying what we were selling, I think.

So this might be an OK semester, hopefully. And I've got the rest of the weekend to get ready for class... syllabus, check, 1st assignment, almost check. Now for some exercises to do in class and all set. Yay.

Just thought I'd share. And share the fact that apparently I can only make capital Is with 1 of the 2 shift keys on my laptop now... Sure wish I hadn't spilled all the coffee everywhere a few minutes ago. Because, well because everybody's so busy but could maybe use something cheerful to read.

Hope it's a good and productive one all around.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oh, and really quick, since I'm probably about to get it anyway... I'd like to share 2 varying perspectives on 1 issue. Each is a video under 4 minutes long.

Those of you who aren't familiar, I really recommend you spend a whole bunch of your free/don't wanna do anything else but can't really sleep/bored/panicky/whatever time going through ill doctrine: a hip-hop video blog, because it's hilarious and informative and good for you.

But more specifically:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xdtfoRJjfY[/video]]A Brief Note About Not Feeding The Trolls - YouTube

Ill Doctrine: Why I Will Feed The Trolls If I Damn Well Want To on Vimeo

Again, I hope it's a great day!

[BillF]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Here is my take on it:

There is really no point in making consistently negative comments about HDB on this forum, since posters are here mostly for support. Regardless whether BAC works or not, the regulars here feel better for their mutual interactions. Heck, some of them have already said that BAC did not worked for them, but they post because it is a community.

For a complex behavioral problem like alcoholism, with spontaneous remissions and all, many people will get better with any intervention. Why not let them feel better by joining BAC?

EDIT: OOps, this really should be in another thread with Desp and Cas.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

There is a big problem playing with trolls.
They scare people.
Not me. Not you. But there are a lot of other people here. And most of them don't read regularly enough to know what's going on, what's real and what's complete kerfuffle. They certainly don't know that Bill F and Desperado and Benzowhatever started out as Baclofan (o the irony.) And then relapsed hard.

They don't know that cashregister has a lot of things going on/wrong. The laundry list of symptoms and diseases doesn't actually include active alcoholism. (The irony has turned to absurdity at this point. Wouldn't you agree?)

What they will see is two people having an argument. And it won't matter one little bit that one of them is reasonable and Not Drunk. And that the other uses herrings or straw men. Because most people don't know what the hell that means. And they sure as hell don't care. They're just coming here to get some information, maybe some help, and perhaps a little insight into their own lives. Ya' know?

If the moderators won't take care of the troll, we'll have to do it, of course. But keep in mind that all of those people are the same person. And drunk. And fucking miserable. If she hates me it's because I'm happy. And not drunk. And if she thinks that it is because there is something wrong with me or that in some way I am hiding behind a bunch of drugs, or drink when I don't want to, well, she's wrong. But there will be NO explaining, rationalizing or educating on that fact.

Because the beast has her in it's grip and there is no fucking way it's going to let her go when she is looking at me. What's worse is that by engaging the beast, you make it grow. And the person even more sick. It's very, very sad.

Annoying. Frustrating. Fucking infuriating (well, not so much for me anymore, but this one lacks panache.) But still sad.

Hope it's a lovely night. Back to Anatomy for me. I'm very, very content right now. Just to fill in the picture, Ed's making dinner. We spent the day pouring over paint colors and figuring out where to put pictures. We moved furniture and unpacked boxes. We ate a couple of yummy meals which we prepared together. And we made love twice. My life ROCKS. And I have baclofen and this forum to thank.

Keep it real, lurkers. And eyes on the goal. It's worth it. :l

EDIT: Ed did most of that stuff willingly. But a good deal of it was accompanied with eye rolling and grimaces. Whatev. The price of...a Ne.

[BillF]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Ne/Neva Eva;1368814 wrote: There is a big problem playing with trolls.
They scare people.
Not me. Not you. But there are a lot of other people here. And most of them don't read regularly enough to know what's going on, what's real and what's complete kerfuffle. They certainly don't know that Bill F and Desperado and Benzowhatever started out as Baclofan (o the irony.) And then relapsed hard.
.......

I have posted before. I am not trolling, and I don't know what this poster is raving about.

[BillF]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Ne/Neva Eva;1368814 wrote: There is a big problem playing with trolls.
They scare people.
Not me. Not you. But there are a lot of other people here. And most of them don't read regularly enough to know what's going on, what's real and what's complete kerfuffle. They certainly don't know that Bill F and Desperado and Benzowhatever started out as Baclofan (o the irony.) And then relapsed hard.

They don't know that cashregister has a lot of things going on/wrong. The laundry list of symptoms and diseases doesn't actually include active alcoholism. (The irony has turned to absurdity at this point. Wouldn't you agree?)

What they will see is two people having an argument. And it won't matter one little bit that one of them is reasonable and Not Drunk. And that the other uses herrings or straw men. Because most people don't know what the hell that means. And they sure as hell don't care. They're just coming here to get some information, maybe some help, and perhaps a little insight into their own lives. Ya' know?

If the moderators won't take care of the troll, we'll have to do it, of course. But keep in mind that all of those people are the same person. And drunk. And fucking miserable. If she hates me it's because I'm happy. And not drunk. And if she thinks that it is because there is something wrong with me or that in some way I am hiding behind a bunch of drugs, or drink when I don't want to, well, she's wrong. But there will be NO explaining, rationalizing or educating on that fact.

Because the beast has her in it's grip and there is no fucking way it's going to let her go when she is looking at me. What's worse is that by engaging the beast, you make it grow. And the person even more sick. It's very, very sad.

Annoying. Frustrating. Fucking infuriating (well, not so much for me anymore, but this one lacks panache.) But still sad.

Hope it's a lovely night. Back to Anatomy for me. I'm very, very content right now. Just to fill in the picture, Ed's making dinner. We spent the day pouring over paint colors and figuring out where to put pictures. We moved furniture and unpacked boxes. We ate a couple of yummy meals which we prepared together. And we made love twice. My life ROCKS. And I have baclofen and this forum to thank.

Keep it real, lurkers. And eyes on the goal. It's worth it. :l

EDIT: Ed did most of that stuff willingly. But a good deal of it was accompanied with eye rolling and grimaces. Whatev. The price of...a Ne.

The moderators should take a good look at this post.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

BillF;1368819 wrote: I have posted before. I am not trolling, and I don't know what this poster is raving about.
BillF;1368820 wrote: The moderators should take a good look at this post.

Apologies BillF. You are right, of course. I apologize that I lumped you in with the other usernames.

I'd edit my post to reflect that, but I don't want to seem disingenuous.

It took me a minute to remember you from the last time there was drama around here!

[BillF]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Ne/Neva Eva;1368823 wrote: Apologies BillF. You are right, of course. I apologize that I lumped you in with the other usernames.

I'd edit my post to reflect that, but I don't want to seem disingenuous.

On the basis of the few posts from you which I have seen, I really think that you should see a psychiatrist.