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    Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

    The rest of my day? Oh, I'm glad you asked, because there was both a Dodger's game and some hipsterific street-fest going on today. It was unreal, all the 2nd-hand vintage clothing shops had D-list DJs spinning music that sounds the same as all the other generic electronic music in the world. There were stages set up all over the place with very sad, but ironically sad, skinny dudes in skinnier jeans moaning incomprehensibly into microphones. And I cannot describe the sheer abundance and variety of facial hair. Mustaches were waxed into so many shapes it strained the levels of basic human comprehension. Oh, the Irony!

    And so, of course, there was no shortage of people stumbling around drunk. And here I am, walking along thinking to myself I'm just trying to get to the damned 7-11 to use the ATM. Ugh. But, to be fair, there were plenty of young women all dressed up, with strategic tears in their tops, or baroque fishnets and lace that showed off their tattoos. Yeah, OK fine, maybe walking among the masses wasn't so bad after all.

    But the bar was then so beyond too crowded. Alas, I haven't seen my lovely bartender since, um, Thursday? And she's off tomorrow!? I think, but will probably try anyway, just to be sure.

    Finally, then, another night at home. Read some Wallace Stevens poetry, worked on more stuff for class, stared at a wall for a while. Got so bored at one point I tried feeding Wheat Thins to my cats. Some days they like them, tonight not so much. More of a crinkling of the nose and a glare, like why are you holding this in front of my face?


    And then there's the sleep thing, still. Let's just say there's a bit of fading and panicking here. A lot of smoking, and a lot of munching on whatever I could get my hands on. So if anyone'd like to send some peanut M&Ms my way, I would happily devour them. Because 1) they're delicious, and 2) because holy Lord, the sleep thing. Fading straight away at the desk, but horrible panic if I try to lie down, again and still. This is annoying. And at 2:30 AM, as it is now, it's annoying, frustrating, and downright inconvenient considering I have another day of sh-t to do tomorrow.

    But listen to me complaining. I mean, jeez, I'm working at least a little! And another AF day! Though I'm not really even keeping track of those anymore. Things are getting good, peeps, really good. Feeling a tad guilty about it, to be honest, like it's getting too easy here. Particularly as I'm seeing some friends struggling out there.

    Hang in there, ladies (and gents).

    I hope you're all packed up and shipping off, Windy. And you're getting ready for tomorrow, Taw, if you're still planning an AB.

    And I hope you found your glasses, Space, and are starting to feel chipper again soon!

    Get back to the anatomy, NE, especially since it sounds like you've found such a great way to study! And be gentle with me for being up at this time of night. Heck, we're almost into your version of morning... but I didn't even have coffee after, well, not too late anyway.

    RedT, I look forward to continuing our grammar discussion soon. Mostly because I need to be better at the nitty-gritty stuff, and I'm fairly certain you're right.

    I'm sure I left some people out, so to everyone else, and especially the kind, sweet lurkers like Wu, have a good one.

    Good night, peeps. Or hell, it's almost good morning even for me.

    :l

    Comment


      Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

      The rest of my day? Oh, I'm glad you asked, because there was both a Dodger's game and some hipsterific street-fest going on today. It was unreal, all the 2nd-hand vintage clothing shops had D-list DJs spinning music that sounds the same as all the other generic electronic music in the world. There were stages set up all over the place with very sad, but ironically sad, skinny dudes in skinnier jeans moaning incomprehensibly into microphones. And I cannot describe the sheer abundance and variety of facial hair. Mustaches were waxed into so many shapes it strained the levels of basic human comprehension. Oh, the Irony!

      And so, of course, there was no shortage of people stumbling around drunk. And here I am, walking along thinking to myself I'm just trying to get to the damned 7-11 to use the ATM. Ugh. But, to be fair, there were plenty of young women all dressed up, with strategic tears in their tops, or baroque fishnets and lace that showed off their tattoos. Yeah, OK fine, maybe walking among the masses wasn't so bad after all.

      But the bar was then so beyond too crowded. Alas, I haven't seen my lovely bartender since, um, Thursday? And she's off tomorrow!? I think, but will probably try anyway, just to be sure.

      Finally, then, another night at home. Read some Wallace Stevens poetry, worked on more stuff for class, stared at a wall for a while. Got so bored at one point I tried feeding Wheat Thins to my cats. Some days they like them, tonight not so much. More of a crinkling of the nose and a glare, like why are you holding this in front of my face?


      And then there's the sleep thing, still. Let's just say there's a bit of fading and panicking here. A lot of smoking, and a lot of munching on whatever I could get my hands on. So if anyone'd like to send some peanut M&Ms my way, I would happily devour them. Because 1) they're delicious, and 2) because holy Lord, the sleep thing. Fading straight away at the desk, but horrible panic if I try to lie down, again and still. This is annoying. And at 2:30 AM, as it is now, it's annoying, frustrating, and downright inconvenient considering I have another day of sh-t to do tomorrow.

      But listen to me complaining. I mean, jeez, I'm working at least a little! And another AF day! Though I'm not really even keeping track of those anymore. Things are getting good, peeps, really good. Feeling a tad guilty about it, to be honest, like it's getting too easy here. Particularly as I'm seeing some friends struggling out there.

      Hang in there, ladies (and gents).

      I hope you're all packed up and shipping off, Windy. And you're getting ready for tomorrow, Taw, if you're still planning an AB.

      And I hope you found your glasses, Space, and are starting to feel chipper again soon!

      Get back to the anatomy, NE, especially since it sounds like you've found such a great way to study! And be gentle with me for being up at this time of night. Heck, we're almost into your version of morning... but I didn't even have coffee after, well, not too late anyway.

      RedT, I look forward to continuing our grammar discussion soon. Mostly because I need to be better at the nitty-gritty stuff, and I'm fairly certain you're right.

      I'm sure I left some people out, so to everyone else, and especially the kind, sweet lurkers like Wu, have a good one.

      Good night, peeps. Or hell, it's almost good morning even for me.

      :l

      Comment


        Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

        Whats all this Stuck, I only go missing for a couple of days and I come back and your AF, woppiedoo, well done, Im ok Ive been feeling low and stressed and really dodnt want to come on here or anywhere really because I was getting myself down when Im complaining all the time.

        Hope you all have a good day x

        Comment


          Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

          Space, complain all you want!
          Stuck, congrats on the AF time! It's weird though, isn't it? Like, "So what do I do now instead?"
          Ne, I flagged some posts last week and will continue to do so. This shit's ridiculous.
          Tonight will find me back in home state. Hopefully after the smoothest move ever. I'm trying to be optimistic. Can I still call myself WindyCityLady if I'm not in Chicago?
          "Yet someday this will have an end
          All choices made or choice resigned,
          And in your face the literal eye
          Trace little of your history,
          Nor ever piece the tale entire
          Of villages that had to burn
          And playgrounds of the will destroyed
          Before you could be safe from time
          And gather in your brow and air
          The stillness of antiquity."

          From "At Majority" by Adrienne Rich

          Comment


            Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

            Space, you can absolutely complain here. But if it gets you more down then I understand. You're the one who'll know when it's best to vent. But you just let me (us) know what we can do... I know you're still reading, so I can do funny (or at least try!) or whatever if it helps. Either way, we love you very much and will do anything and everything to help.

            Windy, awesome... sorta, right? At least the packing is all done and the move will be over and you can get settled in without all the stress hanging over your head anymore. And thank you for the congrats (and thank you too, Space). You guys are great, and super supportive. Again, it's almost like I'm cheating though. (Which is totally new for me. I've never cheated at anything before :H)

            OK, so after 3 hours of sort of sleep, I'm up at 6:30 AM, it's now about 8, lots of coffee, lots of cigarettes, and it's a pretty lovely morning. It's gray and overcast and cool here, at least for the next hour or so. And I sat on my steps, drinking coffee and looking out at the LA skyline. I think it's going to be a good Sunday (it is
            Sunday, right?).

            I wish the same for everyone. :l:l:l

            Comment


              Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

              Hey, Stuckin-la: Thanks for sharing your morning. Of course, morning's long gone . . . just hope that evening approaches with the same ease, for both of us!! I thought of you today while I was on a conference call with two women with whom I do on-going organizational work and seminars. We spent some time on the final edit of a letter/flyer that will be published soon. Can you believe it?? The SAME dang thang . . . singular, compound pronouns and their verbs!!! And man, was I ready, thanks to you!!! I really did try to keep a straight face while I was posting on your thread last night, here in the middle of the omniverse, in the middle of the night. I was not very successful when I typed myself right into our on-going grammatical conversation. How very weird and wonderful that for the past 20 hours or so my universe has been strung among a very few people who actually give a flyin' freak about anyone attempting to adhere to "proper" grammar! (The singular pronoun "who," and its accompanying verb "is," are implied, in that last sentence.)

              AND far more significantly, I am so happy to read of a few moments, or more, of ease for you around drinking, with morning . . . If I could wave a wand an multiply those for you, or give you the guarantee that I have come to trust, which is that I never have to drink that way again, I would. But this is your bacventure. Just know I'm wishing you the very, very best.
              "Wherever you are is the entry point." --Kabir

              Comment


                Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

                Thank you, RedT! I'm glad we had our little grammar warm up, too. It got me into a good mindset to kinda sling-shot my way into working on stuff for next week's class, and into the semester beyond.

                Soooooooo, just so we're all the same page, I'm fairly certain I'm very near, if not actually almost at the switch. More on this in the days to come.
                kddddd (wow, just noticed this... Leaving this here, see the next paragraph about the tiredness.)
                I had this big post planned out about the last drink I had--a small margarita while out to dinner with friends on Friday, but now I don't have it in me to stay up at the computer.

                Tiredness, unbelievable tiredness, has taking over. And the anxiety, both of those have set in suddenly. as they have tended to do these last few nights. Ugh, it just feels weird. Horrible, and horribly weird. A lot of the same stuff I've had before, but amplified. Amplified quite a bit.

                So I don't know what I'm going to do. Going to wrap this post up for now, but after that probably walk around for a minute. Going to bed is unthinkable. So movement will snap me outta this in a minute. Then I'll probably be back soon.

                With that, night night :l.

                Comment


                  Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

                  OK, so that was what, 11 PM? This is now 2 AM. Not sure even what happened in the last 3 hours, really. Sat outside on the steps and smoked a cigarette. Didn't really help. Ate a bowl of granola cereal (with raisins! I love grocery delivery), even though that was the worst idea ever, given the swallowing/feels like I can't swallow and can't breathe at the same time issue. Urgh, sorry, I know not everyone' read the whole thread or all of MWO. So anybody have this?

                  It feels like suddenly you can't swallow, like you're trying to swallow a pill without any water. But really the pill is air, and by not swallowing it you're actually not breathing? Yeah, that issue.

                  So that's one of many nighttime issues going on these past few nights. Won't say days, because my days have been spectacularly, mind-bendingly amazing. OK, so ate my cereal and looked at truly random shit online. Somehow ended up in bed. I think I must've passed out for a little bit. Found myself standing in my living room then, a few minutes ago, and caught myself as I was about to fall over from standing onto the little shelf where my printer is. Am now sitting on the edge of the bed typing. And wondering why I don't have music playing, given that I have my laptop here, obviously. Hang on a sec, let me remedy that...

                  Adele, "Rolling in the Deep." There, that's better. So, I'm freaking fantastic until 10 PM, then it's like someone flips a switch and it's immediately like I've been slamming shots of whiskey all afternoon and evening. I mean that literally. Passing out, stumbling. Everything that really really wasted is, except the euphoric, everything-is-right-with-the-world satisfaction. :upset:

                  Details might help here, for the newbies and lurkers, for posterity, and honestly no offense but I don't care about you guys right now details might help the experienced folks help me.

                  So:

                  Was at 240 last week. Tried to go to 250 on Wednesday, but things go messed up and might have accidentally taken an extra dose, then didn't take last one at night.

                  Wednesday could have been anywhere from 225-270, I think.

                  225 consistently since then, divided over 8 doses, 2 - 2 1/2 hours apart. So as soon as I wake up on to anywhere between 10 PM and midnight. This has been consistent for the last 4 days.

                  I feel great during the day. Happy, pretty much zero anxiety, maybe some abstract passing thoughts of alcohol but certainly no cravings. Oh, I should mention my last drink was 1 margarita Friday, so like 3 days ago, then 4 beers last Tuesday, and a bottle of wine the Friday before that. So yeah, basically at the switch, I think.

                  Then 10 PM hits, and it's like it's not even me anymore. I'm at my wits end, to the point I'm really questioning myself like, did I just do shots all evening? No, no I did not because there's no hard alcohol in the house. I have not left the house, so it wasn't at the bar... There's beer here, like 9 or 10 of them, but objective evidence tells me I'm not producing empties. Seriously, folks, by nighttime I feel so disconnected from reality I'm ready to start looking at online credit card statements to make sure I haven't been at the bar. And I have not been (thank God, can you imagine the bartender seeing me like this? :H).

                  OK, sorry for rambling. Any thoughts/comments/shared experiences/some apocryphal story you heard of some dude posting something similar like 3 years ago, anything is appreciated.

                  Good night, peeps. Crazy mad wonderful love. :l

                  Comment


                    Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

                    Stuck,

                    It's the middle of the night here (almost the morning) but fortunately I've been sleeping for most of it. I'm not sure who else is up at this hour to respond, so I thought I would. I woke up briefly. I still do that often, if not most nights. Do you think your doses catch up to you throughout the day? Something like that used to happen to me. I would get more and more out of it the more doses I took.

                    No words of advice, just hope that you'll get some good sleep soon. :l

                    **And that is so wonderful that you're nearly AF! I can't wait to hear more and see what happens!
                    This Princess Saved Herself

                    Comment


                      Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

                      Im so excited for you Stuck that you have cut down so much with the drink and say your days are good. So really you just have to work on the nights, do you have a nightime routine, now you not drunk every night you can start doing good things before bed, I mean a nice bath, clean pj's and sheets a warn drink and maybe a banana (I was told they are good before bed, help you sleep). You are doing great and Im sure this will all start getting better soon.

                      Comment


                        Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

                        Congrats on your AF time, Stuck! Hope you get the sleep thing figured out soon! I think that will go a long way towards everything else sorting itself out!
                        "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

                        Comment


                          Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

                          Who says sober people don't get stories? Not this guy. So I don't know, changing from 4 doses to 8 works great during the day, but RedH might be right, and it's building up during the day. Because once the evening hits, it's all over.

                          Well, after stumbling and almost falling over onto the printer in the living room, I came back to the bedroom. Nights are all blurry these days, but I believe I slept. So when I woke up this morning at 5:30 I was left wondering why I was naked.

                          Then I wander around the apartment a little bit, take some pills, get some water. Then I'm left wondering why my pajama pants, that I had been wearing the night before, are neatly balled up in the toilet. I am at a complete loss, honestly. From this AM to right now, I have no idea.

                          A clean toilet, so no worries there, but you know I still had to hang them over the shower curtain and now wash them, obviously, but that little inconvenience isn't really my main concern... Anyway, have had a couple good days, and the nights are.... Well this one is certainly here, so I'm going to try to get some sleep here in a sec. We'll see.

                          Good night, everyone. And space, if you're reading I'm really feeling for you, and hope you're doing OK. I just don't know quite what to say so I'm saying it here instead of over on your thread...

                          Comment


                            Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

                            That's rather disconcerting, no? I wonder if you were sleep walking. I'm not sure if I've read that people have experienced sleep walking. I believe I have. I'm sure someone will know. My more and more out of it, was along the lines of being spaced out. I wouldn't be able to remember a thing by the end of the day. I started having to stucture my day accordingly, even though it wasn't always possible. I did have some experiences when I was doing a rapid titration (20 mg every third day) where I would wake up with hallucinations. Twice I thought my house was on fire. I woke up and smelled smoke once, the other time it was like this weird electical burning smell. I would jump out of bed and race down the hall to the kids' rooms. Thinking I had to get us out. I would wake up or come to in one of their bedrooms, only to realize it wasn't real. Sometimes I'd have already woken them up. I also would hear them crying for me when it wasn't real. That happened a number of times in that period. The cries were sometimes blood curdling, they'd screaming for me. It was something that would instill instant terror in a parent. And there were pleny of times I accidentally woke them up because I'd open the door and be like what's wrong? What's happening? They'd groggily be like Mom, what are you doing? The icing on the cake was when my daughter and I were driving home from the grocery store one afternoon. The vehicle in front of me looked distorted. I don't mean blurry, it looked like it was tipped and kind of driving on it's side. It's hard to explain what I saw. What I'm getting at is, I was hallucinating while I was driving. With my baby girl in the car! I changed how I was doing things that day.

                            So I have a question for you, Stuck. What makes you think you're not switched already? You have fleeting thoughts of alcohol at this point. Or are they not fleeting and still cravings? You will have thoughts of alcohol for a long time (IMHO) and most of the people who have switched, even the very successful people who have had a concrete switch that has lasted, will tell you they had thoughts of alcohol for a long time. Maybe still do at times. I don't mean cravings, I just mean, ohhh, maybe I should drink a beer or have a glass of wine. It's what I do when I'm in this situation. It's what I've always done. Or maybe I need this glass of wine just to escape the thoughts in my head. I'm not used to being alone with them so much. :H

                            Please please don't think I'm insinuating you are switched. Only you know for sure. I was just curious is all.

                            I've been titrating up, myself. I'm going very slowly. I'm going up by 10 mg or less a week. It's been pretty easy going, except I'm having some sleep problems and a little forgetfulness (but that's not nearly as bad as it usually is, and it's only lasting a couple of days after I go up). I went up again yesterday, and I couldn't fall asleep. It was 1 am, which is the absolute latest I usually go to bed, it's seriously pushing it at that point. I decided to take a Xanax (not trying get the Xanax police all riled up, I don't need a lecture or education on benzos please! ), and that finally did the trick. I slept until my 6:45 alarm went off.

                            Why am I going up? Firstly, I'm finding I'm tolerating it better than ever. And I'm looking for that sweet spot. The place where I don't want to drink. I've been there before. I'm now at about 6 months on the Nal, I believe. That leaves me a little worried. Worried it won't work the way I hoped. Although, I'm giving it a full year before I stop. It's taken people (even posters here on MWO) a year. It certainly changes the way I drink. It's harm reduction (the term Windy mentioned) if nothing else.

                            Anyhoo, sorry to go on about my plans or lack thereof. I should do that on my own thread. I just can't be arsed to bring it up.

                            Hope you have a good day, Stuck! And don't forget how incredible it is the little bit you're drinking! I'm hoping this thing you're experiencing will stop happening soon.

                            *Oh, and as far as the doses building up in your system. I'm not sure it would be any different with bigger doses less frequently. The quantity of bac will still be the same. I know I tried dosing both ways. Hopefully someone else has a different thought or some helpful advice to help you get through it, though. The best I can offer is my presence. :l
                            This Princess Saved Herself

                            Comment


                              Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

                              That is a bit odd, Stuck, to say the least....I had a lot of hallucinations also. Auditory,visual and not sure what to call the other kind. I woke myself up several times talking in my sleep, loud arguing with myself. And I woke up a lot thinking there were like 20 people jumping up and down on my bed. Or my bed was tilting in all different directions.

                              When my son is over tired, he sleep walks and does strange things. Maybe you are overtired from not sleeping well you are maybe doing the same thing.

                              Glad you checked in Red, and you are doing well! Harm reduction, I like that term!

                              Hope you get this sorted out soon, Stuck!
                              "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

                              Comment


                                Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

                                Hi RedH. Yeah, I've done the sleepwalking thing off/on over the years, but usually only when drinking very heavily. And even then, mostly only when I also had to work very early in the morning.
                                I'm fairly certain I hit the switch, but I'm holding off on an official announcement because I'm a skeptical motherf-ker just in general, and this feels like it's too easy.

                                Thank God I'm not getting hallucinations (not really very often, anyway, and not during the day that I can recall), but let me tell you, sitting in on a class that meets from 4:30-7 PM is NOT a good idea right now! Worst part is that I don't have to take this class, it's purely my choice and actually taking time away from stuff I should be doing. :H

                                Anyway, it's great to hear you're tolerating the bac really well this time. No reason to rush, right? Just do what you gotta do.

                                And I was always a huge fan of the harm reduction strategy. Docs and "specialists" always seem to have this defeatist attitude about it, like they're throwing their hands up and just trying to do what little they can, like OMG nothing's going to work so let's at least help a little... But really, isn't that what most problem drinkers would say they want? I mean, seriously. I've been saying it for a long time--I don't want to quit drinking, I want to quit drinking so much, and not drink all the time. Then the doc says you can never drink again, but since you don't have the willpower for that I can only help you reduce the harm you're doing to yourself by trying to limit the amount you're drinking.

                                And then I'm like, that's what I told you I f-cking wanted in the first place, doc, so why are you being all judgy about it? F you, I'm so pissed I'm going to go get wasted right now! :H

                                OK, that got really random. Sounds like you're doing great, RedH. :l

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