Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[RedThread12]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Awww. IULL, I think that may have been my first REAL LOL moment on MWO since a long time ago, in another life-time, you made the perfect one-line response to LL's comment regarding previous sexual encounters and alcohol. THANK YOU!!

Okay, Stuckkin-la, you may have your thread back. And a bloody-good thread, it is!!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

So I kinda owe Scotland an apology... the whole thing only makes sense if you remember Trainspotting, which is a book then movie about heroin addicts on the streets of Edinburgh, so of course it makes Scotland look like a cesspool since that's the point. Whatever anyway,

The real point is that the bartender is starting some medical assistant classes at a community college. She's in one class now, but needs to get her GED to continue in the program. And if there's one thing I'm not 1/2 bad at, it's getting girls to talk about school. So it's all pretty new, and she seems really excited about it, and I just spent all night at the bar.

It's the really little things, like talking about how they can't wear earrings and have to have their hair up, and me just saying that shouldn't be tough. And that's enough to start talking about her hair forever, and how difficult curly hair can be to tame and kind of flipping it everywhichway to demonstrate. Or when she's putting on lotion and complaining about having dry hands, then reaches over like see? Then says I have nice skin and how quickly that turns into almost a caress. Before you know it we're back to talking about relationships and what's OK in dating and what's not, and how her BF is fine, since she doesn't have to pay attention to him, but not quite fine... The way she lays face down and the way her pillows are arranged, waiting for him to leave in the morning, when the dog jumps up in his place and they sleep. Standing there tonight, leaning forward over the bar with a hand up to her cheek, eyes closing, see? Just like that...

Oh, did I say something about being pissed off earlier today? Don't worry about any of that.

She says she'll need people to practice on when they get to assessment. Heart and lung sounds, pulse, blood pressure. With as little anxiety as I've had lately, my BP might even be down to normal by then, though God knows what'll happen if we're playing doctor. Then rounding the bar on her way to serve a table, she runs her fingernails across my back as she passes.

Yeah, my biggest problem right now is simply forgetting to take the pills. Or eat. Go home, or even remember where home is. This is probably never really going to happen, but what a lovely place and time to be right now. Right there on the edge of something, all possibility and smiles. I caught myself really smiling tonight, like one of those I couldn't stop if I tried, and laughing. And looking straight into those endless brown eyes. Just so I wouldn't stare further down as she leaned forward, granted, but she looked right back the entire time.

*sigh* OK, where was I? Yeah, lots of work left to do still this weekend. At 175mg/day and staying put for a little while. It shocked me how well I slept last night. No real tiredness during the day, but still feel like I'm not all there in the head--yes, this was even before going to the bar--, and the leg sensitivity/pain is still here almost constantly. Also damned annoyed about taking pills every 2 hours. Increased thoughts about drinking, even getting drunk. But I think that's more about not wanting to deal with work and real life, as I have plenty of opportunity to drink--plenty, obviously--but it isn't really occurring to me that I should drink. My last beer was... um, I'd actually have to check my thread to see for certain. Maybe Wednesday or Thursday? I know I got fairly buzzed at a birthday party last Friday, and I remember having a single beer 2 nights in a row this past week, whenever that was. So drinking thoughts are maybe bad, maybe not? I don't think I dropped too much too soon, but regardless I need to be able to sleep and work, so whatevs, and I haven't gone below the bac prescription guide's guide to post-switchy stuff. So trying to hang here for a couple more weeks. Grrrr.

Hope it's a good night all around. Almost midnight here, and I think I might try to get in bed soon.

Oh, and thank you everyone for your wise words, and for the LOLZ, and for being there, ya' know?

:l:l:l

[ifulovelife2]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

The sun never shines in Scotland; it has the worst weather in the world. Despite the fact it is very beautiful in parts, it is the most dreich (dreary) place on earth. It's no surprise there are more alcoholics in Scotland than anywhere else. And no surprise the Scots always appear to be angry and bitter. I can't comment on the state of the public restrooms but I expect the example in Trainspotting was fairly typical. Oh and before anyone starts getting all uppitty and accusing me of racism, I'm half Scots and know of what I speak.

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Ah you may be half Scots but I suspect that Welsh half takes over and makes you talk rubbish Im only messing, Im scouse, a lot like the meal, throw almost anything in and it still comes out yummie The sunniest and driest part of Britain this year was the Outer Hebridies.

Stuck how are you today?

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hello all,

I'm well, Space, thank you for asking. Oh, it is really nice when folks ask, isn't it?

I feel like I may have been MIA. Have I been MIA? Not sure, really, days continue to be a little blurry. Not so much at the moment, but afterwards. Like I couldn't really give an account for the weekend, in kind of the same way I couldn't really give you an account for the last year.

I am getting a tad tired of that, for sure. But still at 175, still indifferent. Last drink was still sometime last week whenever. I do "feel" like getting drunk, though. But by feel I mean I want to avoid working and thinking about working, and want to avoid thinking about how time is so blurry, ya' know?

Only thing that kind of rubs a nerve wrong is how I also feel like I'm missing something. Not wanting to reach for booze, which I have here, but walking into the kitchen like I want something sweet, or something more to drink, like what I have isn't enough. Not white-knuckling, I certainly don't think, but it's kind of that same thing.

Didn't clean the apartment at all, didn't do dishes, did order a new laptop that will be here tomorrow, didn't do any more work. Ahhhhh, priorities. :H Even though my current laptop magically started working fine today, and that's the whole reason I ordered a new one! Oh well, I'll just leave this one in my office, and that'll be cool...

And I'm left wondering a few things, again about time. It seems like I did have a bit more of it today, so I guess it's nice when the bartender has the day off. Because I didn't take several hours out of my day to go down the hill, bum around down there for a while, then sit at the bar. That really is a time-blackhole. And, now that I kind of think about movies and TV shows and all that stuff, I'm realizing that I used to watch a ton of movies, and a ton of TV on my laptop. Netflix, Hulu, stuff I just found online. I'd watch seasons of shows, rewatch old episodes of Friday Night Lights that I'd already seen a dozen times.

When the F did I have that kind of time? I mean, I that's when I was drinking. Now that I'm not drinking, there's no freaking way I have time to watch a movie. Let alone like 6 hours of whatever TV show. WTF? Sure, sure, I'm just more responsible now or something, and realizing what I should be spending time on... but I sure as shit don't feel any more productive right now...

Oh well. Hope we're all well out there, hope Clear got herself settled into her new place, and the Chicago ladies are rocking out with whatever they do, even the one who's only vaguely in Chicago.

And it'll be morning in the UK very soon. Have a great one IFUL and Space. And yeah, let's stay out of Scotland, sounds miserable.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oh! And I did not miss the yummie comment, Space.

:h

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Morning Stuck!

So glad you got some good sleep! Makes a world of difference to your outlook doesn't it? And glad you seem to be in better spirits! I think the hardest part of this whold process, journey, it that we are looking for an outcome, then we get it, and then what? We have a road map to get there, indifference, but then what?

I am glad you are finding a good dose to be able to sleep, function, etc. At this point, I hate to say, I think is just a bit of trial and error on your dose. But, you are doing great!! And will figure it out!!

Have a great day, Stuck!!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

What's up, everybody.

Thanks, Taw. Yeah, feeling a little better, I guess? I don't know. Feeling kinda lost. I'm blaming this whole tired during the day/still a little insomnia at night. I'm spaced out a lot, feel like I lose track of bits of time. I look at a book that I'm 1/2way through, and I know I'm 1/2way through it because of the bookmark, but I'll be damned if I can remember what I read. I mean, looking back reminds me quickly enough but this ain't good.

And then of course there's the afternoon somnolence. I know, I know, we all deal with this. But it's become a real problem all of a sudden. I'm sitting in on this class that goes from 4:30-7. Now, I don't have to take this class--I don't need it for my degree or anything. In fact, it's probably taking time away from stuff I actually do need to do. But I've wanted to take this class the entire 4 years I've been here at school, and this is the first time it's been offered.

So 2 weeks in, and of course I'm falling asleep. Not the entire class, but for a bit. Not head down on the desk, but head just kind of hanging there, I look at my notes and it's like my hand keeps writing... something, but God only knows what. Random lines, words from random snippets of dreams or whatever. This is just pissing me off. And of course it's noticeable, which is embarrassing on the one hand, but just plain rude on the other. I know this professor, and he's kind enough to let people sit in on the class, and here I am. If I can't work this out I'm going to have to stop going to the class--and I don't want to do that.

Anyway, gonna keep on coming down and we'll see.

Everything else is fine, I suppose. Found myself doing dishes and putting away clean laundry at about 1 this morning... Emailed my counselor to tell her I'm all cured and whatnot, and gave her my thread's url. That's one of those if you happen to be interested, but more importantly I asked her to give it out to anybody she thinks might need it, ya' know? Ha! Look at me with my Jesus-complex all of a sudden... :H

The new laptop is other-worldly beautiful, and it's 10 AM and I really need to get going. So I hope everyone has a good one.

And, of course, 9/11. Never Forget. But not in an evil, vindictive and vengeful way. Just remember... :l

[Sticky]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hiya Stuck

I've been very much MIA what with one of my best friends/ex-sponsor committing suicide. But I'm sooo pleased to hear you are doing so well. And at 175mg. I've just spent 6 weeks at 110mg and have just been prescribed 130mg. Was wishing I were like Mr A. in Amiesen's book. But I don't appear to be doing quite that well. Your success has given me renewed hope. Also I wish you all the best with the bartender. She's obviously interested!

And Scotland - we have a friend who is OTT about Scotland and his (minimal) Scottish heritage! I've been there but would hate to live there. It's beautiful but the weather would be f-ing awful if you lived there year round! Maybe I'm biased because I am quarter Welsh, quarter English. My surname is Scottish and I must have some Scottish in me. But I'd hate to live in the UK full-stop. My mum grew up in Wales but much prefers the milder NZ climate.

Take care
Sticky

[ifulovelife2]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Sticky, I just wanted to chime in on the Weather and where to live thing. Although I've never been there, I have always thought that New Zealand would be the one place I would be willing to move to if I had to leave the UK. Green and pleasant like Britain but with a much better climate. And I'm pretty sure not everyone there is like the cast of Outrageous Fortune* :H. That said, I have since discovered the USA and found it has one or two rather marvelous points that attract me and which continue to draw me to it. It may even be the place I ultimately decide to reside. We'll see what happens, but you never know.

*If anyone of you guys are like me and prefer to watch your TV in season size bites (and I know you do), then get hold of the Kiwi show Outrageous Fortune: seriously entertaining and amusing. One of my fave all-timers.

Stuck, you seem happier. The whole bac-downer thing is a brain fuck, huh? Bac is a strange old chemical: it seriously messes with our brains. In a good way, sure: all that no longer dependent on booze stuff. But the somnolence, insomnia, foggy-headedness and fuckedupedness (?**) is such a melon-mucker. The confusion, mistakes, misunderstandings and misreadings, even when they're justified, can be exhausting. What's the answer? I'm not sure, but from what I've read on here it seems to involve a fusion of meditation, exercise and copious amounts of peanut M n Ms. Hang in there, dude! Oh btw, do you suspect if you do ever get to service the Latino Serving Wench, after all the anticipation the actuality will be a huge let down in comparison?I know! I am sooooo unromantic.:H

**('fuckedupedness' is a term owned by Mx Enterprises and may not be used without express permission of and payment to said organisation. The same terms apply to 'Gusset-Prankism' 'Arseholeishness' and 'Bum-Banditry' )

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Morning Stuck!

How are you feeling? Hope still on the up swing! Still feeling indifferent even with dosing down? I understand the automatic feelings of wanting to get drunk to escape, but I think maybe that is more brain habit than actual craving? Perhaps? Hopefully!!

Have a good day!!!


T

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I think I may owe Mx Enterprises a few dollars over the years.

Sticky, so glad to hear from you. It has been a while, but most importantly I hope you're doing OK. You've had a whole lot to deal with, obviously. The bac stuff is weird, I know. All I can say is keep going up. It works. Then figure it all out.

The hardest part now is that it did freaking work! So I feel like why do I still have to deal with all the tardedness of the higher doses? So I'm working on coming down, in a reasonable way, and trying to find something that's at least a decent balance between indifference and SEs. And even that's its own mindf-ck, since for so many months going down was giving up! But it's obviously not giving up anymore... right? I know it's not, but it's still a delicate situation.

Anyway, maybe I'm just weird this AM 'cause I miscalculated my cigarettes last night while watching TV until almost 2 in the morning, and am now picking out longish butts from all the ashtrays, putting them in a pile, and working my way through them while I drink my coffee. Ick.

Hope everyone's having a great day out there. :l

Oh, and Mx, I'll have to give that show a shot, 'cause Aaron Sorkin's The Newsroom is complete BS. And I know it's BS because I watched something like 3 1/2 hours of it last night.

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Very quiet here today....not just this thread but all of MWO....hope everyone is well!!

T

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi folks. Thanks for checking in, Taw, 'cause I have no idea what's up with me these days. I'm just kind of fed up, I think, but I'm not sure with what. The 3rd week of the semester is already over. I feel like I'm floating through my life, with a pretty good sense of where I am and what I'm doing at any given moment, but no sense of a buildup of time. Like time isn't so much passing as simply gone.

I don't have any sense of a goal with bac anymore. I mean, it's time to settle into long term stuff. So there are a few very specific SEs I want to get rid of, all the while maintaining indifference...

F-ck. To be honest I'm more concerned about the SEs than indifference, because this is the long term part. I went through whatever I ended up going through to get where I am, and that's fine, since it was to reach the goal. Now, though, it's more about just living life. And I'm not going to deal with my legs being so sensitive I can barely stand to crawl into bed at night. And I'm not going to deal with falling asleep every time I pick up a book or sit down in a class. And I'm not going to deal with whatever concentration/memory crap is going on. All of which I'm assuming is bac at this point.

But then again I drank several beers last night, and it was great. And had I bothered to go to the store on my way home I'm sure I would've had several more tonight. But I didn't, so I didn't. Just avoiding crap, maybe, which is plenty easy to do now that my xbox is fixed.

So yeah, just haven't felt much like posting, and it's been quiet all around anyway. And I have a ton of work to do. And an actual class plan to make before Monday, since my boss is sitting in on everyone's classes next week. Ugh, what a fun weekend and it's only Friday.

Sorry to be all Debbie Downer. Hope y'all are having good nights/mornings/days.

Good night/morning everyone.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Morning, everybody!

Ya' know...There's something to the whole sobriety thing that we sort of miss out on here in the meds threads. It's the discombobulation factor.

It's pretty well understood in traditional treatment circles that new sobriety is discombobulating. Memory is a big issue. Or lack of it anyway. I don't really remember that one, exactly. But then again, my memory can be pretty spotty. Especially when I think about those heady days/weeks/months following indifference. What I recall now (and probably knew then) is that I had MUCH more on my agenda than I've ever had before. The to-do lists were incredibly long and detailed. And they actually got done! (Wow! Did they ever!)
I definitely remember days (and days and days) of "Well, what now?" Even as I was actually doing the now remarkably productively and successfully. I still go through this. Just about every day. It is one of my primary frustrations with myself. I'll spend hours doing something that isn't on the list, and feel as though I am being very unproductive, and then after a couple of hours or days I'll realize that I was still able to accomplish everything I needed to do. Still bringing home As. Still keeping present and still taking care of mundane chores.
I think in part my expectations are WAY out of kilter. But I also think I (we) did not know how much time was consumed by drinking. (The hours and days and months are hazy and of absolutely no consequence, right? I could not account for the time I spent in front of the tv, on the computer, pouring from the bottle[s] right next to the couch. [The refrigerator was too far away, so I drank warm wine.])
So spending a couple of hours (or more!) on pinterest picking out paint colors or day dreaming about stuff I'd like to do, or taking a loooong nap; those things don't even begin to fill up the amount of time I used to spend getting and staying drunk. Talk about memory lapses and lost time. Sheesh. It's really surreal how many hours were just a void. I guarantee you that you could not spend as much time playing xbox as you did caring for your addiction. It's really not physically possible! (I mean think about it! What else is that consuming? Not love, not sex, not money. Nothing.)

I definitely spent a lot of time fed up. Still do. I find it is pretty motivating when I get pissed off. Getting pissed off, for me, is my subconscious, or sometimes even my front-brain, saying, "Take Notice Over Here! This is NOT going to work for you. DO something about it!"
Sometimes the doing something about it is that I need to change my perspective. Sometimes it's that I need to find a different solution. Sometimes it's simply that I am so uncomfortable about a person or thing or situation that I have to extricate myself or completely remove the person/thing/situation from my life.

Most of the time it's a combination of all three. So whatever you're uncomfortable about, whatever you can't stand, you always have the option of Doing Something about it. Annoying, but true.

Bac SEs: If I were in your shoes/legs I'd head to the doctor to figure out what is going on with my legs. Doesn't sound like bac. (Unless it's one of those things that comes up with bac that is a function of managing anxiety...We can go into that offline if you want. Don't underestimate physical manifestations of anxiety. It may be the thing that keeps you from being able to do this bac-thing. You know? And no. I am not suggesting it is all in your head. I'm not. It's not. I know this.)

The somnolence? yeah. That sucks. I managed mine with naps, and with meds. OTC stuff, as well as prescription. Guarded my sleep at all costs, and set my schedule around what I would need to do late morning and late afternoon.
FTR, it is no coincidence that the somnolence hits right where the circadian rhythm falls. It is perfectly natural and normal for people to get tired in the late morning, late afternoon. There are books written about this! And sleep studies show that taking naps following the natural circadian rhythms makes one happier, healthier and more productive. Doesn't really make it any easier when you have to do something, but it makes me feel better about resting! (I also still forget that I am now awake for many more hours than I used to be when I was a drunk. And those hours are MUCH more productive, even when I think I'm wasting time.)

Gotta run. Exam in a couple of hours and I still have to finish up my application to nursing school! Woop! And aaaaaaargh. I'm very nervous about not getting in. I'm also very nervous about getting in. Then I'll actually have to do it! And I'll then have to get a job! crikey. That's enough to send me bac(k) to bed this morning.
Hang in there, La. You're not stuck anymore, you know.
:l

EDIT: If you take a look around in the newbie threads, or even in General, you'll find that what we call somnolence, and what we often attribute to bac, is actually pretty standard for new sobriety. That is not to say that bac doesn't contribute, or make it worse, but I'm guessing it's got as much to do with all of the other chemical/mind-blowing changes too. Not that I thought that bac(k) when I was experiencing it! :H