Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac
Stuck, I.....don't know exactly what to say. I felt very moved by what you wrote when I read it last night after work and started to compose a post. But I was post-smoking session, and that never works out well. I found myself copying and pasting Florence and the Machine lyrics, which didn't seem all that helpful, so I scrapped the whole thing, planning to come back today with a clear head. And I still don't really know what to say.
I get it, I think. I know we're doing very different things right now, but I think I understand how you're feeling. Sometimes I get flashes where I feel like I'm seeing the past, the present, and the future, and I can see the futility of it all. I don't feel "depressed", but the uselessness of everything makes killing myself seem downright practical. Again, I don't feel sad exactly. I just feel like I'm seeing things for what they truly are. And they are hopeless. Of course, I would never kill myself, and I understand that even when I'm having these feelings. But what is this? Is it depression? Can it (should it) be fixed with a medication? Is it a cognitive distortion put into place by years of drinking? Is it because I haven't found my life's purpose? Most terrifying, is it the truth? I don't know. All I know is that it passes. And then comes back. And right now there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm ashamed to admit that I really don't know enough about academia/grad school stuff to understand what you're doing. But it seems like a lot. And it involves creativity. I'm a very hard worker. I can build something, clean something, do math problems, all with no problem. Anything that I can look at and say, "Ok, this how you start this, and these are the steps you take to finish this." But creativity....writing, even grading other's writing, is a whole different animal. It engages your brain on a different level and requires you to reach within yourself. Despite being an avid lover of fiction, poetry, and music, I decided early on in my (very brief) undergrad career that I wanted to major in physics. I wanted there to be a right answer every time. I did not want to be told what was "good writing" and I did not want to decide what was "good writing". I was horrified the first time I took a poetry class. It was like watching a loved one on a dissection table.
I'm not trying to make this all about me. I'm just trying to relate to what you're going through in terms of my experiences. I guess the short story is that you have my sympathies.
I don't know that I'm a big believer in the visualizing your dreams and positive outcomes stuff. Maybe because it's been a long time since I've had a dream of any kind. But I do know that I get a gut feeling about what the next step should be. I often can't see what's beyond that step, but I take it. I know we've talked about AA phrases that actually are helpful, and one for me is "Just do the next right thing." I got very frustrated when I first started attending SMART meetings because they kept talking about rational beliefs and irrational beliefs. How do I know what's a rational belief and what's an irrational one? My facilitator told me a rational belief helps you, an irrational belief hurts you. Initially, this didn't satisfy me; again, I want there to be one right answer. But I'm warming up to the idea. Today I'm trying to let that gut instinct guide me, and I'm trying to constantly question my belief system.
Soooo......what does your gut tell you about where you're at? What do you WANT to do? Are you thinking that you may not stay in the program you're in? Is your eventual goal to be able to write full-time? Do you want to teach? Forgive me if you've said your goals at another time. I may have missed it or forgotten it by now.
Man, I don't feel like I'm being very helpful at all. I'm sorry. I really just want to delete this whole thing as I feel like it makes me sound like a self-obsessed piece of shit, but it's taken too much time to type at this point. Just know that that's not what I set out to do, talk about myself. I just....arrggh!
Ok. Back to my stoned first plan.
Oh the river, oh the river, it's running free
And I'll join in the joy it brings to me
But I know it'll have to drown me
Before I can breathe easy
And I've seen it in the flights of birds, I've seen it in you
The entrails of animals, the blood running through
But in order to get to the heart, I think sometimes you have to cut through
But you can
Just keep following the heartlines on your hand
Just keep following the heartlines on your hand
Keep it up, I know you can
Just keep following the heartlines on your hand
Cause I am
Stuck, I.....don't know exactly what to say. I felt very moved by what you wrote when I read it last night after work and started to compose a post. But I was post-smoking session, and that never works out well. I found myself copying and pasting Florence and the Machine lyrics, which didn't seem all that helpful, so I scrapped the whole thing, planning to come back today with a clear head. And I still don't really know what to say.
I get it, I think. I know we're doing very different things right now, but I think I understand how you're feeling. Sometimes I get flashes where I feel like I'm seeing the past, the present, and the future, and I can see the futility of it all. I don't feel "depressed", but the uselessness of everything makes killing myself seem downright practical. Again, I don't feel sad exactly. I just feel like I'm seeing things for what they truly are. And they are hopeless. Of course, I would never kill myself, and I understand that even when I'm having these feelings. But what is this? Is it depression? Can it (should it) be fixed with a medication? Is it a cognitive distortion put into place by years of drinking? Is it because I haven't found my life's purpose? Most terrifying, is it the truth? I don't know. All I know is that it passes. And then comes back. And right now there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm ashamed to admit that I really don't know enough about academia/grad school stuff to understand what you're doing. But it seems like a lot. And it involves creativity. I'm a very hard worker. I can build something, clean something, do math problems, all with no problem. Anything that I can look at and say, "Ok, this how you start this, and these are the steps you take to finish this." But creativity....writing, even grading other's writing, is a whole different animal. It engages your brain on a different level and requires you to reach within yourself. Despite being an avid lover of fiction, poetry, and music, I decided early on in my (very brief) undergrad career that I wanted to major in physics. I wanted there to be a right answer every time. I did not want to be told what was "good writing" and I did not want to decide what was "good writing". I was horrified the first time I took a poetry class. It was like watching a loved one on a dissection table.
I'm not trying to make this all about me. I'm just trying to relate to what you're going through in terms of my experiences. I guess the short story is that you have my sympathies.
I don't know that I'm a big believer in the visualizing your dreams and positive outcomes stuff. Maybe because it's been a long time since I've had a dream of any kind. But I do know that I get a gut feeling about what the next step should be. I often can't see what's beyond that step, but I take it. I know we've talked about AA phrases that actually are helpful, and one for me is "Just do the next right thing." I got very frustrated when I first started attending SMART meetings because they kept talking about rational beliefs and irrational beliefs. How do I know what's a rational belief and what's an irrational one? My facilitator told me a rational belief helps you, an irrational belief hurts you. Initially, this didn't satisfy me; again, I want there to be one right answer. But I'm warming up to the idea. Today I'm trying to let that gut instinct guide me, and I'm trying to constantly question my belief system.
Soooo......what does your gut tell you about where you're at? What do you WANT to do? Are you thinking that you may not stay in the program you're in? Is your eventual goal to be able to write full-time? Do you want to teach? Forgive me if you've said your goals at another time. I may have missed it or forgotten it by now.
Man, I don't feel like I'm being very helpful at all. I'm sorry. I really just want to delete this whole thing as I feel like it makes me sound like a self-obsessed piece of shit, but it's taken too much time to type at this point. Just know that that's not what I set out to do, talk about myself. I just....arrggh!
Ok. Back to my stoned first plan.
Oh the river, oh the river, it's running free
And I'll join in the joy it brings to me
But I know it'll have to drown me
Before I can breathe easy
And I've seen it in the flights of birds, I've seen it in you
The entrails of animals, the blood running through
But in order to get to the heart, I think sometimes you have to cut through
But you can
Just keep following the heartlines on your hand
Just keep following the heartlines on your hand
Keep it up, I know you can
Just keep following the heartlines on your hand
Cause I am
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