Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[windycitylady]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

StuckinLA;1391685 wrote:
I got a rejection email from a writing contest I don't remember entering, then opened my actual mailbox and found contributor copies of a literary journal with something I wrote published in it. Feels like that encapsulates my whole life these days.

Almost poetic, isn't it? Well, congrats on the good news half of it.
I don't think a schedule is a bad idea at all. And brilliant point about drinking against your will or because of it.
Drinking does feel comfortable. It does feel right. But it doesn't always have to be that way if you don't want it to. No judgements. Just sayin'.
Can't get the emoticon to work, but HUGS!

[Sticky]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Stuck and everyone here

Thanks Stuck & NE for your posts a while back. Actually I really do want to be able to moderate rather than abstain. From a social point of view in particular. Unless I get to a point where I really couldn't care less about drinking, but I doubt I can handle too much higher a dose and still function. If bac doesn't work, after 17 months of TSM, it's bac(k) to AA with periods of sobriety then the Alcohol Deprivation Effect kicking in and relapsing. Then feeling like a failure. Again. Until there is another pill to try available in NZ....

Upped the dose from 130 to 140 last night. Slept OK but still woke at 5.30am. By my counselling session at 11 I felt quite spaced out. Tonight I've had one glass of wine and feel extra spacey!

Must dash.

Cheers
Sticky

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

StuckinLA;1391685 wrote:
... perhaps a little TV on the laptop in bed are positives. Well, not the TV part.

I just rediscovered Huluplus. Superlove it. I can watch a couple of hours of tv without too many ads, and I get to pick and choose. I cannot stand regular tv! And it is so nice to have an outlet for entertainment.
I sometimes feel as though I'm wasting time...Then I remind myself that it's all a journey. And dear prudence, I have A LOT more time to focus on the stuff I need or want to do. I have to actively remind myself to take it easy. Take time for fun. I'm really working hard on that one. And in all things, I am still trying to be very gentle with myself.


Sticky;1393276 wrote: Actually I really do want to be able to moderate rather than abstain. From a social point of view in particular. Unless I get to a point where I really couldn't care less about drinking, but I doubt I can handle too much higher a dose and still function. If bac doesn't work...

Hiya Sticky!

I know you don't spend as much time around here as some of us do. (Good on ya'!) But do you know jkttdp? Just Keep Taking The Damn Pills. That's true whether you're titrating up or staying right where you are. I am pretty convinced that there are two factors at play (two main ones, anyway) when it comes to bac and finding a relatively comfortable place in the world. One is the amount of bac. But just as important is the amount of time. I don't think you need to push bac to the extremes, and get to the point where you cannot take another minute, in order to get some pretty incredible results. There are more than a few people around here who found indifference, or their version of sobriety-ishness, by taking the pills day in and day out for a long-ish time.

I'm suggesting that if you don't reach some magical point before you get the results that you want, just keep taking the pills. Going down until you can stand the SEs, and then continuing to take them may result in the outcome you were looking for. Windycitylady might be able to share her experience with that. And you probably don't even need to push, push, push it until you're so miserable you can't take another minute. (Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad I did exactly that. I wouldn't change a thing to get to where I am. But I wouldn't wish my experience on my worst enemy.)

It isn't like TSM. It doesn't really "fail" in the same way.

Keep in touch, sister.

:l everybody. Hope it's a good day...Unless you've got other plans.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Lovely to see you two here. I was just thinking about moderation myself, Sticky. It sure is a tricky thing, at least in my case. I do pretty well most of the time and then I don't sometimes. But it might be more about goals and vigilance than anything else. Reggie has an amazing post over on the Sweet Success thread, so head over there and take a look before it's too late.

And hiya, Ne! I was starting to think I was in the doghouse or something, as I hadn't heard from you in a while. I don't have a working television set, so it's all Netflix and Hulu and my friend's HBO and Showtime, plus some pirated online stuff. Not as bad as when I was drinking heavily and nightly, but TV is a pretty bad addictive behavior for me. As in I'll latch onto a show and watch seasons in a matter of a few days or a week. Right now it's Battlestar Galactica. Not that great of a show, and I can't say I care about it one way or the other, but I'll watch a couple episodes a night. Again, something to be vigilant about, or even try to avoid altogether.

[windycitylady]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

BREAKING BAD! Watch it!

Why does eveyone around here think TV is such a terrible thing? We all have enough going on in our lives that we shouldn't feel terrible about watching a little TV (whether it's on an actual TV or on a laptop).
I mean, I feel bad about myself for watching a full episode of "Here Come Honey Boo Boo", but that's different. That's not TV. It's exploitation. And I watched it. All of it.

[windycitylady]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

And when I first read your post I thought it said "private online stuff" instead of "pirated online stuff." I thought it was your nice way of saying porn.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oh I do need to catch up on Breaking Bad. As in, rewatch enough of the last season to remember what's going on and then start on this season. That show is ah-mazing.

And there's plenty of online porn, Windy, I'm just not going to tell you about it.

[ifulovelife2]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oh at last, a topic of conversation on this thread that interests me! JK I'm one of those that shuns TV, because it's the modern opiate of the plebs, but yet watches season after season of pirated stuff of whatever catches my fancy. I've just finished catching up with Boardwalk Empire and Justified and I need something else NOW!!!! Everyone keeps talking about Breaking Bad. I think I watched the first couple of episodes of Season one but thought it was a bit shit, does it get better? What else should I be looking at that'll stop me straying back to bad Czech porn flicks of an evening?

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Breaking Bad is for sure worth it. It does start off a bit slow, but it gets really good and really disturbing quickly. And speaking of disturbing, Czech you say? That sounds worth a shot.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I couldn't get Breaking Bad on hulu. But it's disturbing? hmmm. Nope. I'm monitoring what I'm taking in again, since my mind is all kerfuffled. It's all I can do to read the summaries of our political stuff. I'd feel bad about completely ignoring it, so I just try and dip a toe in. Still makes me want to pull my hair out. Or better yet, pull someone else's hair out. Or even better, tie them up and keep them from voting. Oh. wait. Democracy and all that. (pfffffffft. Whatever.)

What else have you got to watch, peeps? Czech anything isn't going to work for me. Porn in general makes me put on my feminist hat and get all indignant and annoying and feel really badly for the women who are in the position of doing that and then I have to get into the socioeconomics of it all, and the gender gap and and and. Shall I go on? When I'm not doing that, I'm analyzing and obsessing about the boobs. wtf is it with the whole ginormous hard plastic boobs? Then that takes me to the fact that they are all clearly malnourished, which just feeds into the need for whatever the drug of choice is, and I want to march right over to the third world country and feed them something nutritious and rage against the machines and beat up the men that keep them enslaved. oh. wait. Too much? I could go on.

So. What should I watch?

And no, La. Not put out. Just trying to clear my own mind of the drama I'm creating. I've certainly been spreading around my negative-Nellie stuff (usually in the form of know-it-all "advice") and want to avoid that at all costs. In fact, there's a helluva lot that I'm trying to avoid right now. Back to basics and all that. (So hard when it's more than jkttdp. Funny to me that it was the hardest thing I've ever done, and seems so damn easy in retrospect.)

Still reading and following and special thanks, Red. It was too much, too personal, and if one of the haters shows up I might blow a gasket, so I had to take it down. I'm too vulnerable at the moment.

(oh, and WCL, your appreciation for tv might actually have something to do with the state in which you're watching it. :H Sobriety absolutely ruined tv for me. Ruined it. It's a little less painful to watch now, but boy, I was amazed at the shit I spent hours watching. Once, in a really really dark time I couldn't miss Buffy the Vampire Slayer reruns. omg. And please, don't defend my actions. That show is...omg.)

All that aside, I woke up after a decent night's sleep feeling pretty damn large and in charge. woop to that! (obviously still a bit of Debbie Downer lurking. Sorry! hope you don't let me rain on your parade!)

Peas out peeps!

[Bruunhilde]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey everyone,

Haven't caught up on it all but did see some ramblings about depression and blah-ness of life and searches for meaning. And what's this, Stuck, about not having the pride you should if you make a wine cork board but had to buy the wine corks? That would be prideful, NOT to have been the one to drink all the darn things. Also your bartender could help you.

And try the gabapentin Ne and Stuck for the blues. Works great PRN.

Regarding thoughts becoming things (TUT): There are only 3 things that can make your dreams come true, your thoughts, your words, and your actions.

Space, I think Stuck doesn't have a GF because he wants the bartender?

Red, my ADD has gotten worse - I went away for 4 nights with a very patient (thankfully) friend who asked if I had looked into meds. Remind me what helped your son aside from the no gluten/dairy and adding zinc and copper? Got blood tests done and zinc and copper are now normal as is sodium (all were lower than the lowest number on the ranges). Really want to just pop a damn pill for this.

And Howdy Ne, what is Huluplus? Don't you have to pay? Thought Hulu was subscription based TV.... good luck with the schooling... met a couple of nurse peeps this past week traveling. One travels all the time, not sure what she did but she worked for a healthcare company and is gone Tues-Thurs every week all over the country. So not traditional nursing, and I know you are interested in using your RN for not so traditional RN stuff.

Windy, one of your posts sounded very Ne.

MASH!

[ifulovelife2]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Ne/Neva Eva;1394151 wrote: What else have you got to watch, peeps? Czech anything isn't going to work for me. Porn in general makes me put on my feminist hat and get all indignant and annoying and feel really badly for the women who are in the position of doing that and then I have to get into the socioeconomics of it all, and the gender gap and and and. Shall I go on? ! Go on about 'gender gaps'? Sure. Sounds sexy! The thing is about Czech porn, which you may not understand, is the Czech chicks (shall we call them Czicks?) either don't realise they're being porned up or are just so grateful for the few Koruna thrown in their direction that they're happy to do anything for it. So you needn't worry at all. Wait! OK, now I get your point. Yeah, socio-economics, abused women, feminists, hats ... right, I'm with you. Except for the fact that it makes good watching. That said, I do feel kinda bad about my participation, albeit distant and hands off (when I say "hands off"...) and I think I should seek out some other form of evening entertainment.
Ne/Neva Eva;1394151 wrote: It's all I can do to read the summaries of our political stuff. I'd feel bad about completely ignoring it, so I just try and dip a toe in. Still makes me want to pull my hair out. Or better yet, pull someone else's hair out. Or even better, tie them up

Bondage, sadism and footjobs, eh? Sounds like fun. I think I might Google me some of that political porn.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

So anxiety returned like an old friend. Nodding off on the bus as the sun's setting in the evening, she's there at my side to wake me. Sitting down in front of my class, she's the whole room, and talk of literature always ends with metaphors for death. When I need to converse with someone, I see them there, right there in front of me and they're speaking, but thoughts fly from me and I'm left staring blankly. Unable to even recall the proper words I might use to respond to their questions.

OK, that's enough fluffy, melodramatic language. I have plenty of friends here who can cut right through that to the heart of the matter, and leave me feeling silly, more than silly, in the process. So the point is that I clearly dropped too low and have basically lost the switch. The only question is what to do about that, and the answer I'm anticipating is that I should go bac up until I hit the switch again.

And that just doesn't sound like something I want to do right now. I was not at all happy or comfortable then, either. I'm just goddamned tired. Tired of feeling like a zombie, and tired of trying to guard my sleep. Especially when there's nothing to f*cking guard. Best I can do is try to figure out what I can do with the hour+ I'll spend awake after I went to sleep the first time. Except for the afternoons, which are at the point where I might as well carry a blanket and pillow around with me. Oh well, clearly I'm just bitching. But I'm tired of being worthless. I'm tired of not functioning.

Of course this has everything to do with drinking. So there's that.

Anyway, whatevs. It's just high time to update the ol' thread here, for whatever that's worth.

[EDIT: Perhaps further clarification? I'm bac at the point where I bought the ticket but I want off the ride. Bac does what everyone here promises it does--the pills work if you work them. But though I'm sick I don't like the cure.]

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Morning, La.

I was just gonna ask you when you were going to come out to play.

There's some good news:
I'm not here to make fun or make you feel silly.
More importantly, there IS a middle ground. Really. There's a place in your baclofen journey that is not dreary, drowsy, tired, put-out and miserable. And it would definitely include not craving or wanting booze. (Eventually you won't even think about it...)

I don't know about going back up to reach a "switch" unless you're in full on relapse and completely off of baclofen. I do know that most of us went down too low in search of some relief from SEs, and then went back up to a much better, more stable and sane place. I went down to 100mg, from 320, almost immediately. I was still drinking with Ed, and it started to taste good and I started to think about it more (look forward to it) so I went back up. My goal was to get to 240. I never made it that high. I got to 200, spent a day at 220, felt completely miserable and freaked out, and stayed at 200 for a looong time. (Interestingly and maybe not pertinent, 180mg was miserable for me every time I went up and down. Which I have done at least four times. But 160 and 200, they were just fine. Bac is weird like that.)

The sleep thing. hmmmmm. I'm going to say this in the nicest, gentlest way possible: If you don't figure out how to get some sleep, the rest might be moot. Increasing baclofen to get back to a place where booze doesn't matter isn't going to help if you don't get some good sleep. Lack of sleep increases anxiety dramatically, as well as all of the other SEs. In some ways it's mind over matter. Unfortunately that doesn't work at all unless you're getting some sleep. 'cause your mind doesn't work very well without sleep. See the conundrum?

Baclofen reduces anxiety. It really does. In some ways that's mind over matter, but mostly it's chemical. (I can hear Tk out there getting annoyed by this comment re. anxiety. But I stick by it, truly believe it and know it to be true.) Ya' just gotta find the happy place. It's there.

The other good news is this: The "switch" is the switch is the switch. If you decide to abstain, you don't have to make any other decisions about baclofen. If you want freedom again, it's really unlikely that you'll have to get near where you had to go before. And as you know, it's never the same way twice.

Find the happy place, La.
:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

It's late. Go to bed!