Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Yo. And good morning!

I really regret what I wrote about the sleep thing. Because worrying about sleep, and being anxious about sleep, is not really going to help anything. Plus I was being a bit of a biatch, I think. Sorry. It is perfectly reasonable to tell me to bugger off in the nicest way possible. Well, it's been done before, anyway. And I'm still here.

It's just a journey, La. It's not all or nothing, now or never. It's certainly not "You're fucking this up and you'll live to regret it." That is NOT how it is, this recovery/reorganization thing. It's a continuum. I forget that ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And it drives me nuts about myself.

I went to an AA meeting last night, and I'll leave my dissection of the minutiae of that experience out of this for now, except to say this: They've got something going on. Clear away all the clutter, and the jargon and the ancient (really! 70 years ago is ancient in terms of medicine) perspective, and there're some truths there. Plus, a couple people seemed actually happy.

Progress not perfection. Or whatever. Be gentle with myself. And others. That's what I'm walking with today. Sorry I forgot that.

Superhugs.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Bruun,
A friend's closing on her email is:
Vision without action is daydream.
Action without vision is nightmare.

:H
Made me think of you. I have certainly had my fair share (and more) of action without vision.

Hope it's a good day, peeps.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Up at 2:30am. Wide awake. Drinking coffee and starting the day. Thank goodness it's Saturday.

How're things? I really am sorry for being such a nitpicky ninny.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Ne/Neva Eva;1395279 wrote: Find the happy place, La.

It's not here.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Ne/Neva Eva;1395279 wrote: Find the happy place, La.

I really tried. So it was a friend's birthday tonight, and he happens to be gay. Which means the party is in the gayest of gay clubs in the gayest of gay neighborhoods in the country. I felt like I just walked into a bachelorette party. Muscle-dudes wearing thongs and knee-socks dancing on poles, walking across the bar and tabletops, doing pull-ups from the rafters, shaking themselves in my friend's face. Yeah, the "happiest" of all places.

He was convinced he'd find me a girlfriend tonight. I looked him straight in the eye and made damned sure we both agreed on what "girl" meant. Still, where we were was not the place to find long-term companionship. Except the grad student with us, who he keeps telling me really likes me... he thought that was a great idea. I know she likes me, and I also know she simply does not date people in the department. Which is really smart of her. Of course then there was the other grad student with us, and my friend is trying to set that up...

Well fortunately he went and got himself wasted by 10 o'clock. Wasted to the point where I'm giving him cigarettes because he's too drunk to remember he has a full pack in his pocket, and drunk enough that I'm carrying him piggyback-style for a block and a half, across major intersections, to the next bar.

We'll just say our night ended early. And grad student #1 was kind enough to drive us all home, and I happen to be the only one living not too far out of her way. I think we had a pretty decent conversation on the way to my apartment, but I can't be sure. I can't fucking get drunk, so I don't really feel any more out of it than I normally do, but at the same time, since I can't feel drunk or even need booze there isn't anything left to fix whatever damned mood I'm in here. Even as I type that I know it doesn't make sense.

There is no way for me to articulate what I'm thinking about my current situation, or why I'm so pissed off about it. I mean really upset, and really just not right. This isn't about finding a place where booze isn't an issue--not having, not thinking about booze is the issue.

And WTF are you doing awake, Ne?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

:H
Can I laugh? Your posts often make me laugh. But the idea of you carrying around your mate on your back (in my version he is wearing knee socks and an itty bitty bikini) from bar to bar (wtf is that? He wasn't drunk enough??? :H omg. I am so glad I'm old.)

I hooked up with a boy in a gay strip club once. It was all going pretty well until he started talking. That was dreadful. A girl can overlook a lot of shortcomings for pretty muscles, but he was an effin' idiot. Just shy of needing a short bus. Shortly after I left he offered my gay boyfriend a blowjob in the bathroom. He was the straight one in the club, so it was all very confusing. Generally I think gay bars, when one is straight, and strip clubs for any orientation are not the places to find meaningful relationships. It could just be me, though...

StuckinLA;1395932 wrote:

And WTF are you doing awake, Ne?

I'm "working".

Dunno. It's where I am. I don't have a clock in my bedroom. I'm not sure why. Actually, there is one, but I haven't plugged it in (yet). And when I wake up and don't know what time it is, I just get up. Start making the donuts, and then realize it's actually the middle of the night. I can't take my own advice. Waddayawant?

Maybe you'll feel better in the morning? Here's hoping.
G'night!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I overlooked the last part about you being really upset. I dunno, La. Especially if you don't know. It doesn't sound like a very fun evening. It sounds frustrating and frankly, a little bit...I dunno. I remember feeling bad about myself an awful lot of the time when I was "partying". That could be a girl thing though.

I really do hope you feel better tonight. But sunlight brings a whole new day and a whole new ...whatever you want. :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Love, love, love the av Reggie. And thanks.

I went back to bed and slept for three more hours. 9am seems like the middle of the day to me! I have decided not to leave the house today. I'm not going to bathe. Not going to change out of pajamas. Just going to do a Ne-thing. yay!

I'm supposed to be writing a cookbook with my husband, btw. That's the class. wtf was I thinking? I can't even eat! I have homework for that to do.

You sleep, La? What're you doing on this bright fall day?
And what about you WCL? Did you see the shout out on the other thread?
Et al?

Congrats on school RedH. SO feckin' thrilled for you. Woop!

Who'm I missing?

I'm over Huluplus, btw. And yes, Bruun. It's a subscription. The movies are really lousy. We watched the Trip. It's British. Need I say more? I kept wondering if one of the guys looked anything like LoveLife. Don't all Brits look the same?

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Good morning, all.

Yes I slept. Some might say overslept, as here it is 10:30 and I'm just now making coffee, opening the all the blinds to look out on a wonderfully cloudy day, and sitting down at the computer. Oh well, I woke up at 8 to check the football schedule, but the Iowa game isn't until tonight. And then, dammit, I remembered I'm supposed to tailgate today. Ugh.

So gay clubs are not my scene. In the old days I'd at least be able to find the one and only silver lining, though, and that's that they have AL. Last night there wasn't even that. But to be fair, I didn't spend nearly as much money as I would have, and this whole leaving one bar to wander around looking for another bar would have seriously put me in a bad mood. You know what I mean, right? Like once we leave there's no AL, and now I'm left standing in the street wondering how I might find more, with a bunch of indecisive people who do not seem properly concerned about how big a problem this is... Then when we had to call it an early night because the B-day boy was falling all over, I would've been looking anxiously at the clock and calculating how much AL was here at the house. Instead I wasn't worried, and managed to have an OK conversation with this grad student in the car before she dropped me off. So there are certainly benefits.

I'm told she likes me, and I think that's true but complicated. Earlier this year my charming blacked-out self kind of hit on her and then later asked her out via email. She said she doesn't date within the department, and that's both smart and a great way to not hurt a drunk's feelings. I'd say things will be totally different now, but I still tell everyone I'm drinking all the time, even when I'm not, so there's no reason for her to see a change. Plus I think she's sort of seeing someone. Plus the past week I have been drinking all the, well all the night time at least.

I still don't know. Today I have 3 hours of soul-crushing online job to do, and about a dozen articles to read. And then I should probably generally freak out about school, and really freak out about not writing. And sort of waffle between being super annoyed about, and tepidly embracing, some idea of sobriety.

Oh, and I'm definitely going to bathe. At least once. WTF, Ne? So enough about me. Glad you got some chuckles out of the story--parts were definitely funny. And lots of love, Reg, thanks.

And where did I miss that RedH got into school!? Congrats!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I brushed my teeth.

[Bruunhilde]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Stuck, I could have typed half your post myself, I relate so well. The anxiety especially.

Thanks Ne. Sorry to hear hulu plus sucks. I need entertainment damnit! Escape. And mostly my life has been chaos.

Gotta work harder on the sobriety. part.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oh hi, everyone. I don't really know what depression feels like, but the last few days/little while have been blackholesque. So I was about to come here and tell you some long, sappy, whiney thing, and maybe shake my fists at the heavens for a second or whatever. But instead, I've now got something much lighter-hearted. So lucky you.

Many of you know this already, but for those just joining us I've got this terrible leg pain, and it's been steady for months now. It's awfully annoying and it's a long story that I won't go into at the moment. What I will say is that after speaking with my doc this past week, and being turned down for prescription relief on the off chance this is a bac SE, I've finally decided to take pain management into my own hands.

One possible treatment for nerve pain and muscle soreness is readily available over the counter: capsaicin. And it comes in this little stick-thing with a roll-on applicator, how convenient. So during my run down to the local drug store for cigarettes, I pick some up. Coming home, I shake the little bottle/stick, and go ahead and apply some to the worst-pain areas in my legs. Not a problem.

Now comfortably seated at the computer in my PJs, things start to get warm. Then very warm. If you're not familiar, capsaicin is the chemical in hot peppers. So I now realized what I've done is broken open a haba?ero pepper, taken out just the part that's fiery hot, and rubbed it all over my legs. It's at this point that I started pacing the room.

As it continued getting worse, I figured it was time to wash this off, and my first efforts with a damp towel were proving futile. And as the heat became intolerable, my next course of action was a shower.

Holy God, people. You all saw this coming, right? Oh why did I not!? Everyone's seen that guy at 50? hot wing + $2 beer Monday night football. After eating a dozen Devil's Breath wings, it's a classic rookie mistake: he picks up his water glass and starts chugging. Hilarious, right? And it only gets better when he forgets the sauce on his fingers and wipes away his tears...

Anyway in the shower it's like I've taken every single raw nerve ending and set it aflame. And worse, now it's like the ointment has wings, and it's soaring down the watery slip n' slide rapids that my legs have become. I may as well have mistaken an active volcano for a jacuzzi. And no, no the shower did not ultimately help one bit! I'm standing as I type this, laptop resting atop my filing cabinet. And believe me, had I not used the last of the milk eating a bowl of cereal immediately prior to this incident, I'd be pouring that all over myself like a reenactment of a bad porno.

Even that wouldn't help though, as I can only imagine what would then happen with the cats...

Clearly there's a lesson to be learned here. And that lesson is to listen to your doctor and never self-prescribe. Only pain and suffering can possibly result! Chemicals are not to be toyed with because... Oh, wait. Maybe there's some other lesson that we can learn.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

:H:H:H

Sorry. Ouch. That sounds really pretty super-awful. Who tf thought of putting fiery capsaicin in a tube? I've never heard of it.

I am really hoping that my laughter is not completely misplaced in that you had to go to the hospital and get some ointment of some sort. Or worse, that you're still suffering. egad. I really think that might be kinda serious. But hopefully not. 'cause if it's not it's really, really funny. As is the take-away lesson.

On an unrelated note: I don't know how I figured out that booze really messed up my frame of mind. Perhaps it was because I was generally pretty happy post-indifference (though there were days and even weeks--Murph and a couple of others can attest to that!) but when I drank, even a glass of wine, I woke up without my rose colored glasses. Do you think that maybe the daily drinking is a part of the fist-shaking-feeling? Don't get me wrong, it could also be something that is more...positive. I know that's weird to say, and I don't want to go all deep or randomly-hypothetical, but booze is an anxiolytic of sorts. A lousy one, but it works in the moment. Right? When life is fraught and there aren't any other options...There's always booze.

Remember a while back when I thought that going down rapidly on bac might lead to depression and malaise? I still think that. just sayin

:l
(I really hope you're okay this morning.)

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oh dear Stuck poor you with burning hot legs, I dont know what you should have done, my guess is yogurt, thats if you have some in but who would know. Sorry I havent read back only this page about your legs and the hot chilli pepper bit but I hope apart from that you are ok and not too down, or at least getting out of the dark hole now.

ps thanks for the reccommendation of breaking bad, solved a problem of one christmas pressie for my eldest son

:l x

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Yo peeps,

Glad I can be of service, Space! And thanks for your kind thoughts. I'm OK more or less. And yes, Ne, it was supposed to be funny. It hurt like hell, most of the night, but if we can't laugh then well what else do we have? And it's not like it was some hair-brained scheme, either. That stuff really is for muscle aches and whatnot, I think especially for post-workout soreness, so I figured how bad can it be? But that's like looking at a hot pepper and thinking it's just a tiny little pepper, it can't be that bad right? Of course, it is technically poison, so there's that.

You're absolutely right, on all counts, Ne. It probably is booze, or it's coming down too fast, or it's both, or it's just waking up to life, or realizing that throughout the whole bac-journey I never actually stopped drinking. Not for real, anyway. But sometimes it feels like not wanting to drink is the most depressing part of the whole thing. And knowing that even if I did want a drink I could go ahead and have several, but it wouldn't do the trick anymore. Just doesn't feel the same.

Perhaps the club the other night is a perfect example. In the past I would've known exactly what to do: pregame. So this time around I was sitting here not wanting to go at all--mostly because I didn't actually want to drink! WTF is that about? But I was determined to be a trooper, so I went to my bar first. Said hello to the bartender and had a shot and a beer. Big deal, as it did nothing for me. Then jumped on the bus and met everyone at the club.

Again, in the past I would've bee-lined for the bar and never let up. But this time I'm sipping a beer and enjoying neither the beer nor the atmosphere. I buy a shot for my friend because that's what you do, and downing a generous shot of my very very very favorite Jameson does nothing. He gets too drunk and makes me drink 1/2 of his vodka/something, and for me it's a chore. By the time I get home I realize how little I drank and that should be great--should be normal, like everyone else there who only had a couple, switched to water, and drove home.

But for me it's something different, and I'm not sure quite what the problem is. Maybe it's that I don't have an escape anymore? I miss the initial euphoria? Who knows.

Regardless, I'm saying right now I'm still on a downward bac trajectory. Just to see. Also to see what does happen drinks-wise, and with the sedation SE. Because I do still feel all zoned out for large parts of the day. And because going to bed AF was again effortless. Well, sort of a choice, but an easy one.

So we'll see, and I'll keep everyone posted. As for the rest of it, on the menu tonight is an OTC restless legs remedy, so wish me luck! At least it's not another topical ointment thing. It's a pill, and nothing can go wrong with a pill, right?