Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[TexasAg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck, how's it going? You'd better not be visiting brother-in-laws in Texas and not given me a heads up!

Seriously though, I kinda vented about my alcohol and creativity lie/myth so feel free to tell me to keep my cockamamie ideas to myself.

Cheers!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Titrating down too quickly or too much. I can't say specifically, since I don't know.

What I do know is that when I don't keep things consistent, things get out of whack. (d'oh. No shock there. I just have to relearn that lesson every so often. Or rather, more often than not. )

[TexasAg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Ahh, makes sense. I just had to read it slowly. I guess we're not always on the same wavelength!

Cheers!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

OK everyone, I haven't been around to update on my own doings around here lately, so here goes. For those who don't really know the history, I hit the switch at 240 in... what was it, August? Anyway I began titrating down fairly quickly, and had this evening class that I simply could not stay awake for, and so titrated down even more quickly. Then I was kinda depressed and never really stopped drinking for more than five days or so at a time, though my drinking had significantly reduced (e.g. no bottle of whiskey at home after the bar nights). But then since I was going down anyway I decided to figure out if the leg pain I was having was related to the bac, because it was bad. Really bad, and if bac is/was going to be a lifelong thing I sure don't want lifelong pain along with it.

So, at this point I've been completely bac-free for five days, if I'm counting/remembering correctly. I worked my way down to 30mg/day and stayed there for a little while, then 20 for a few days, then cold turkey. This is not something I recommend, by the way. I have sort of not cared about my drinking during this time, and have been lax in monitoring it, especially considering it's the end of the semester and there aren't that many time commitments. The one commitment I've been really good at keeping is my online job, which has been really busy and allowing extra hours. So a typical day might be going to the bar around 1 or 2 in the afternoon, pulling out the laptop and working for 4 hours. During that time I'd have 2 micheladas, which is like a glass of bloody mary mix that you pour a beer into. But then when the online job's over it would be around the time that the bartender was coming on, if not there already, and all the regulars would be showing up, and I'd switch to the shot + beer special and get fairly drunk.

This hasn't worked so well, as anxiety is creeping back into my life, and of course also the realization that even if it's only sipping a couple of beers, I'm starting my drinking in the early afternoon. There have also been a couple of times where I've been in the midst of anxiety and probably AL withdrawal, combined with maybe even bac withdrawal, and that's for real unpleasant. My oral exam was one of these times (I was on AF day 2). Eek. And yesterday I had a three hour work meeting, which sucked because I was stuck in a small crowded room, then immediately met with a student, and then met everyone from work because they were taking us out to a really nice dinner. Well, I'm not sure what it was but I was feeling really off, and uncomfortable, and the restaurant was very crowded and bizarre with this high-ceilinged open floor plan, and everyone was talking about their academic stuff and figuring out just how much booze the department was paying for. So I had one cocktail and a couple glasses of wine, and I haven't been eating much the last few days, so eating a rich chicken dinner rather quickly wasn't very good for me probably, so by the time we're ordering dessert, and I order whiskey for dessert, I'm really not feeling well. Massive anxiety, like nearly complete freak-out, and so on the pretext of going for a smoke outside I just left, without finishing or even really touching "dessert."

So that's that. Felt much better, or at least well enough to stand in a horrible line at Walgreens for cigarettes, then did not go to the bar, and read for the rest of the night. Had a tiny bit (like maybe a shot's worth) of vodka and soda at bedtime, and I'm at this point figuring out what I gotta do to figure things out. I do not want perpetual leg pain. I also do not want soul-crushing anxiety and depression. I had hoped that maybe focusing on work, reading and writing, and hell even the xbox would do the trick, even if drinking were involved. I'm not sure that's the case.

Given all of that, I'm heading home for the holidays, where I'll be staying with my parents who think I don't drink anymore, which will be really good for me. And when I get back, if my cats are still drinking alcoholically then I might need to start experimenting on them with Lo0p's liquid bac to see if leg pain is related to the drug itself or fillers in the pills. And I do believe that catches everyone up pretty much.

[TexasAg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Stuck,

Sorry bout the leg pain, I guess I need to re-read Loops thread and pay more attention to the benefits of liquid bac.

I've got a buddy that makes the best Micheladas, he makes them with Clamato, celery salt, lemon pepper seasoning, worcesthire sauce and lots of limes!

It works good with with club soda to get you going in the morning.... just like a V8 only better!

Cheers!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

The funny thing is that they actually taste better before getting all diluted with beer. And hey, who knows, all my problems might be related to how much freaking sodium is in those things! :H

[EDIT: Oh and after so many times having asked for all the stuff for a michelada except for the beer part, the bartender was finally fed up with my ignorance of her language and culture, at which point she informed me that without the beer it's called a Clamato Preparado, or simply a Clamato. Which confuses the f*ck out of me, 'cause wouldn't that just be a glass of the actual product named Clamato, without all the other goodness mixed in? But apparently no, and I'm not about to argue with her. ]

[Bruunhilde]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck, sorry for the stress and hardship. However, please explain about hitting the switch and how much less you drank after?

It doesn't sound like a cure if you're still stuck like us.

I know there is adversity if you admit such here so pm if you can explain easier there. I wont tell.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oh, no adversity necessary. I have absolutely no doubt it's a cure. I would go days AF and then have 2 beers at happy hour with a friend just like old times, except unlike old times, instead of having at least 4 and drinking the rest of the day, I'd just want a nap. And then would go AF for a while without thinking about it.

My post-switch drinking was because of me, not bac. I think of myself as a drinker and never wanted to quit, I kept going to bars and would get actually upset that I didn't want a drink, that I couldn't "hang," and then I felt like I couldn't deal with sitting around sober and still not motivated to work.

Then I went down, ostensibly to deal with staying awake in class, and of course the very real leg pain. Coming down and now off bac completely, I am drinking pretty much daily, though it is significantly reduced. If we had to put things in perspective, I'd say a normal evening now is 4 or 5 beers and 4 or 5 small shots of tequila (again, thank you bar special). A normal night before bac would be that, plus a few drinks in the early afternoon and 3/4 of a bottle of whiskey after the bar.

So that's how I manage to be still stuck and yet wholeheartedly supporting bac as an absolute cure. After the switch you decide. But that doesn't mean you make good decisions.

[soberwannabe]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Stuck

Seems like you and I have the leg pain thing going on. When I dose up, my legs (specifically the thigh area) get very, very painful. The second day, not so bad. I will say, I put a heating pad on my legs and it instantly relaxed my muscles and my body. Today (day 3) is not bad.. a dull ache today, but nothing like 2 days ago. I did review but I couldn't find your discussion about your leg pains. Please tell me more..
The somnolence is also bad for me while dosing up to. but by day 2 and day 3.. much better.

[Bruunhilde]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

It sounds a bit like getting past physical but not emotional or mental addiction except after the disconnect physically you still have the emotional /mental /habits. Like me. Then I keep getting physically re-addicted.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

My leg pain was more like a neurological thing. I had extreme skin sensitivity, from my waist down to my ankles on both legs, to the point where putting on pants was one of those things that I dealt with, because necessary, but at the same time torture. Getting in bed was nearly intolerable, as I'd slide along the sheets, and once in bed is have to not move, because holding still would be OK. Bending down would hurt, as skin moves around and stretches of course, as your body moves. It was like I could not move around in the world and the idea of space, as something you move through and interact with, bacame very foreign and kind of frightening because it was physically painful.

Again, this very atypical for bac, but I have to conclude that it's the cause, because you'll see I mention it in my first post on this thread, and it has steadily improved as I've gone down. Now that I'm off bac completely it's nearly nonexistent, and seemingly fading away entirely.

Bruun, agreed. I'm right there with you sister.

[TexasAg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Stuck, I'm truly sorry about the leg pain.

Hoping you're having a happy Christmas season. Ever thought of Mistletoe with the bartender?
Corny I know, but what can I say, I've got no moves! Heck it might be corny enough to work and then some!

The real reason I'm saying Howdy is cuz you're thread moved to page 2. NOT ALLOWED!

Cheers!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Tex, it is great to hear from you here, and I am following you hither and yon around the threads. Just haven't been up to posting much, as there isn't much to post about. The holidays are always... bleh. But sometimes so heart-achingly so that it can be magical in its own way. It's cold here. Not cold like midwest or east coast cold, and I'm not trying to start a competition, but the heat in my apartment doesn't work. And here they don't do much for weather-proofing to begin with, so while it's still mid-40s to mid-50s, you're stuck in that all day and all night. So I've been cuddled up with blankets and the cats in my new chair, with a space heater blowing on the three of us. At night I bring the space heater into the bedroom, where it's actually enough to get the room warm, but I don't want to be in the bedroom all day--it reminds me of being on benders.

And tonight, as I was heading down the hill the air was crisp and I put the hood of my sweatshirt up, and put my hands in the front pocket, and remembered all those really cold winters back in the day. When the white Xmas lights and holly would be up around the door of my favorite bar, the snow would be falling, and walking into that warm, smoky, dirty, ratty-assed place was everything and all I ever could've asked for. Take a stool at the bar and a bottle of beer and a few shots, and the nights would only get warmer and fuzzier. That's kind of how it felt tonight on the way down the hill, and I had visions of whiskey bottles dancing in my head.

So let us see, it's day 3 AF, since I suppose I need to count days again. I spent the morning writing, the afternoon playing Xbox, and the evening at the bar. The bartender is going to watch my cats while I'm away for the holidays, which means I gave her a key to my place tonight, which means I might not have stuff in my place when I get back. Oh but the other part is that she wanted to stop by today and see what's what here (case the joint), except she doesn't give her phone number to people really, so by the time I got her email I thought she wasn't coming by. As it turns out she was standing on my front porch trying to figure out which apartment is mine. Oops. I felt like a real a-hole, since I was just in the other room playing video games, but she didn't seem to mind when I saw her tonight.

Anyway, that's the story thus far. And I head back to the homefront for the holidays in a couple days. Going to try to not land in the hospital or jail this time, and that's part of why I'm AF now--would rather go through the worst of the sleeping/anxiety issues here rather than there. Though now that I think about it, I haven't really thought about what I'm going to do for the plane... The other part of it all is that drinking isn't euphoric right now, and by that I mean not even pleasurable. Had I stayed at the bar much longer tonight, or last night, I'm almost certain I would have drank, but I don't look forward to it. So for right now, today, I'm not drinking. And yeah, there's some beer in the fridge (don't know how many, maybe five or six) and some vodka in the cabinet (not much, and in my world vodka is for emergency use only anyway).

But instead I'm left lying in bed here as the room warms up, with a 2 liter of club soda next to the bed and wondering how it is that club soda is so much more satisfying than regular water. I mean, it's practically the same thing. And I have enough Twizzlers to effect a prison-style escape out the window if I tie them together.

Wow, OK, I guess once you get me going I do have a bit to say. I hope everyone's having a good holiday out there. Crazy mad love. :l:l:l

[joanna_d]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

heeeey 3 days AF??? that's great!! how did you do that Stuck?? have you started the bac again, or is it by will?
anyway, sorry to hear you're so cold and you're feeling so sad.

i'm still doubting what i'll do this christmas. i have a thing for these holidays, as i spent a large part of my childhood in a christian sect and the holidays were always a bit traumatic. even after i left there, because for 10 years after that my parents where still inside.
last year for the first time i didn't do anything for christmas. just bought me some good food (and most of all: booze) and spend the days in my studio. new years eve alone at home with my dog. that was actually really fine. for years and years i went to new years eve parties, cause you know you HAVE to do something on that evening and it's supposed to be an absolutely great evening. never found it at any party. but being at home, not looking for thrills, just comfy, it was kind of cozy.

the year before that i spent new years eve alone on a beach in Thailand. that was great to. no one expecting me to be cheerful or entertaining or whatever, just being alone with myself, with a Chang beer (which gives you teenage ninja hangovers by the way), leaning against a palm tree, looking at the fireworks above the sea. it was kind of magical.
only bummer: my then fresh ex started to phone me.

hope you'll be fine Stuck.:l

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Sheer force of will, Jo.

Things are OK for now, I think. I don't really care about much else--than "now" whatever that means. And yes, I am sort of half-assed counting days. (Today will be 5.) And starting to sleep better. Last night was much better. The night before would've been OK, too, if one of my exes hadn't called, drunk, at like two in the morning and talked to me for an hour. Oh well. Anyway that's neither here nor there. But I did finally put the tree up yesterday, since you know I'm leaving today and won't be back until after Xmas. And then last night spent the evening curled up in my chair with some hot tea, Thai delivery, and the cats in front of the tree and looking at the LA skyline out my window, all while watching Netflix on my laptop.

So OMG anyone who has Netflix MUST watch Archer immediately. It. Is. Hysterical.

And the past few mornings I've been writing a little, which is good. And I cleaned a little yesterday, both because the apartment really needs cleaning and because I don't want the bartender to see how I really live. And that's about it. But writing and cleaning, and even Xbox, are better than sitting around staring at walls and listening to Lana Del Rey all day and night, which is all I could manage a week ago.

How are things with you, Jo? It's still magical, I hope. How are your SEs? What are you up to these days? And how about you, Tex?

Quiet as church around here yesterday... even the past few days. Hope all is well. :l