Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[Sticky]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck

It's good to see you back here. Sorry life has been so crap lately. I've had a bad run too, thanks to HDB SE's. Dropped from 190 to 150mg in last few days & I'm feeling a bit more human.
AA isn't all bad. I always relate to others' stories as we have similar personalities. It's just a bugger we can't talk about bac there. Haven't been to my womens AA group for a while.
Look after yourself.

Cheers
Sticky :l

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck!

How are you doing these days?? Just wanted to check in on you!

T

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Just getting my life together, as always, Taw.

Seriously though, putting one foot in front of the other and doing what I'm supposed to do. Cleaning the apartment, doing dishes, ordering a new shower-curtain liner so I don't end up with a soaked freaking bath mat every morning. You know, the usual. Not doing bac, as I'd planned. I simply don't feel like dealing with it. Ne is ready to slay me over the leg tingliness by now, but it gets better every time I stop bac, and I'm not going to put up with pain until I figure it out. I've got some good, organic vitamins made with actual vitamin-y plant things n' shit, instead of the synthesized stuff, and some probiotics on the way. So I'll maybe get this vitamin B absorption thing sorted out, or not and have to continue playing medical detective. I also have some gabapentin in the mail.

As for right now, all I'm doing is not drinking. Going to go to AA tonight for the second straight Monday. And I don't give a fuck about AA, but I like listening to the stories, the chicks there are smoking hot, and it reminds me that I don't want to drink--not that I can't, not that I'm powerless, but that I know exactly what will happen and I don't want to. Last week I stopped at the bar for a cranberry juice before going to the meeting, and I worked some of my online job at the bar Saturday, and I'd probably go again tonight before AA, except that I'm getting new glasses this afternoon and won't have time.

Like I said, for right now it's just little steps to put everything back together. I wake up in the morning, get my online job over with, and then sort things out for class, and I'm starting to at least think about the bigger-picture stuff I have to do, and do very soon. Thanks for checking up on me!

Day 9, by the way. I guess I'm going to count for a while...

Hope it's a good one out there. :l

[EDIT: Oh, and I ordered NHL Gamecenter because it's only like $50 this year, and it is UH-MAZING. I can watch live games on my phone now. Or my laptop. And I can always get my team's home broadcast. And it's not all blurry and skipping and crap. Oh, gawd, I am so in freaking heaven right now. Way worth the price of a bottle and a half of whiskey.]

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

The leg thing is a medical mystery!!! You know those things excite me. Add in the bac-factor and I'm done for. I won't be able to let it rest until I figure out (even if I'm wrong!) what's going on!
Well, that and I'm kinda worried about it for your sake. But I'll leave that be.

One foot in front of the other. That's what it takes. And what, 10 days now?

My patient today was taking baclofen and topamax. For MS! Imagine that? :H Bet she doesn't drink much...

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Yeah, this is 10 today I suppose. This week's been a real blur... but I guess there's a lot that's been going on, right? Up to 30mg of bac, then down to none, some benzos for the first few days and then slowly starting to not take those. I guess that would make anything a blur. Trouble getting to sleep, trouble getting up. Getting right back into my pajamas after I shower in the morning and kind of just moping around the house. Rediscovered Xbox yesterday...

Oh well. Legs are much better than they were a couple days ago. And if it's anything like last time I was not taking any bac at all they will continue to improve. Plus gabapentin should be arriving in the not-too-distant future. I'll of course let you know, Ne, I know not knowing is just driving you nuts.

Doing my best to set aside some time for writing in the mornings, but it usually ends up being an hour of staring at the screen and moving a word or two around. Then at night just feeling like an ass for not wanting to do anything. But I've got some video games, a couple episodes of a tv show to catch up on, and let's just say several books laying around. I do need to get out a little at some point. Hiding from the world is fun for a while, but it starts to get old, I'm simply isolating myself right now. Don't feel like checking facebook, even, or playing my words on the damned scrabble game on my phone. And that's just depressing.

Hanging in there, though. Went to AA again last night. Though I mentioned that I can watch hockey games on my phone, right? Well the game went into overtime so there I was standing outside while the meeting started, watching the game with my headphones in, then jumping up and down when we scored and won, before going into the damned meeting. Gotta have priorities...

[windycitylady]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

DAY 10!!

It feels like that came fast! Probably not to you...

I'm proud of you, sweetheart.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

It’s coming up on a year that I’ve been on MWO, believe it or not. A year ago today I was, again, a couple of weeks or so sober in what turned out to be a 62 day stretch. The longest I’ve been without alcohol in my adult life. Back then I was going to the same weekly AA meeting I’ve started going to again now, and I started looking for a different way out. Bac looked like it might be a godsend, and MWO helped me through it. I definitely would’ve lost my damned mind and gone completely nuts if it weren’t for the people here, past and present. And there are a lot of reasons I’m not taking bac anymore, for sure, between the SEs and my particular pain issues that I’m convinced are an SE, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, too.

A lot of people here talk about wanting to cut back and moderate their drinking. That seems to be a fairly common hope for alcoholics, you know? Like if I could just have two glasses of wine in the evening, or if I could just drink on the weekends, or whatever. But the other day it hit me: at no point between last year and now, on HDB or off, have I wanted to moderate anything. AA may not have many things right, but an illness of the body coupled with an obsession of the mind sounds about right. I want to be a drunk most days. Not drinking has nothing to do with what I want or how I want to live, it’s just that there are really fucked up anxiety and health consequences for me after drinking, or rather after stopping drinking, and it doesn’t quite even feel the same when I do drink anymore. I’ve been through a lot of stops and starts, AF stints and binges, over the past couple months, and it was even weirder when I was on HDB. There’s no consistent rhythm to it like there was, when I’d have a couple drinks in the afternoon to kind of get started, and continue, and continue reading and grading or whatever, on through the evening. Things just don’t quite feel right anymore, drinking or not.

But let me tell you, if it weren’t for all that I’d have a drink in my hand right now, and a bottle of liquor on the table next to me. I wasn’t happy on week long morning-to-night benders, and I wasn’t happy sober, and I wasn’t happy actually not craving or drinking much on HDB. And I’d give damned near anything to wind the clock back about a year and a half, just back before the anxiety attacks, when I wouldn’t even think or worry about anything, I’d just drink. Some nights a six pack, some nights a dozen beers and most of a bottle of whiskcy. But whatever happened I wasn’t second-guessing every sip and how that might affect withdrawal the next day or the panic attack or the blood pressure. I just went with how I felt and drank. Know what that makes me? A drunk. And you know what drunks get? They get fucking AA is what they get.

So like I said, I’m just trying to put one foot in front of the next these past few days. And trying to find pot in this town, I mean Christ the only reason it’s so damned hard to find is I refuse to leave the apartment, and I guess no one will just bring it to me. And not relying on benzos to sleep every night, so lying awake and staring at the stupid ceiling and not being able to move because the cats are on either side of me, until just turning the light back on and having a smoke, or taking a couple benadryl. Just to wake up twenty minutes later feeling like I can’t breathe, and so go out and have a smoke in the other room before coming back to try it again. Just to wake up to my second or third alarm, feeling more wiped out than a hangover.

But it does start getting better, eventually. And it’s really nice to have friends here who are going through the same bullshit, either right here on day whatever with me or sober for a year or indifferent for a couple years. It’s really nice to talk about bac SEs and swap drug combinations, or bash AA, or to just sit around cheerleading for each other. And that’s why I’m glad there are so many different people here doing so many different things. Anyway, this is starting to get sappy, but it’s fucking depressing here in LA, and I just caught up on the only TV show I can watch right now, so that sucks. Maybe I should just get cable… No, I should definitely not get cable. Whatever. That was my rant for the evening. Now back to staring at the computer and listening to music until it’s simply intolerable any longer and going to bed. Another fucking day tomorrow, with students, and then yet another day after that, with a chick who’s intent on having me get her drunk before her date with some dude, and probably even another day after that.

Good night everybody. Hope it’s a good one. :l:l:l

[joanna_d]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

hi LA, still not sure what to contribute. don't feel like analysing your writing, or giving you advice or whatver, it all feels kinda out of place. (had an *EDIT* party over here. wrote some stuff here of which i'm not at all sure that it would make any sense in english, so i deleted it)

might i say: wile you're dabbling with two words on a screen for hours, your writing over here is downright on it.

are you reading for some thorough hugs? please fasten your seatbelt (and if applicable: make sure your tray table is in full upright position, 'cause otherwise there's no way my fat ass'll fit in), here they come: :l:l:l:l:l:l

[joanna_d]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

argh.. while i was walking outside with my dog, it suddenly struck me that the phrase "out of place" is possibly totally wrong and not what i mean at all in this context "you feel kinda out of place my friend, with everything around (and inside?) you."
it's me struggling with translation.
i've got no words to replace it with yet, only an image in my head. so i'll leave it there (or should i delete?), but please don't take it the wrong way.

[Colin]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Colin;1464338 wrote: I have been on gabapentin for three days to see if it helps my neuropathy. I am sleeping like a baby - ten hours and not waking at all. No trace of the foot cramps that I often had. No effect yet on the nerve pain in the calves and thighs but I've been told not to expect anything for the first three weeks and even then not much at a very low dose. Something for your leg problems?

In case you missed the original.

Today I experienced the first real indication that gabapentin is helping the polyneuropathy. For several weeks at the gym I have not got further than four minutes with either the treadmill or the crosstrainer. Today I managed five minutes with both. The nerve pain is still the limiting factor but it's improving.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

My sweet Christ, how has it only been 2 weeks so far? Off booze, off bac, even off the Ativan. I take some Benadryl or a little OTC sleep aid and pretty much manage to be asleep by 2 AM, sometimes even for the rest of the night. Getting up in the mornings is difficult, I feel wiped out. But I do get up, eventually, and write in the morning. Today was kind of a bust, only an hour, but whatever. Slowly but surely working my way through the things I need to do.

Still sucks, though, like just after the sun's gone down and these random, unwelcome thoughts just come out of nowhere. So what better time than that to sit down and grade papers? The nights just drag on and on, and I'm a little down about it all.

Oh well. I know I sound like a broken record, but I've been off bac for what, almost a week now? And the leg pain is pretty much nonexistent. Riddle me that, Ne. :H Still waiting on the gabapentin, and looking forward to seeing if that improves my mood at all. Other than that, not a whole lot going on. Just holed up at home, hiding from the world

Hope everyone's having a good Saturday! :l

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Well done on the two weeks Stuck, thats a big achievement. But you do sound pretty down, how come your holed up at home arnt you in work right now. 2am is late to be getting to sleep, whats going on there you should be sleeping better by now, do you have a bedtime routine yet. I have to go to bed around the same time every night and I have a hot milky drink, I also watch something on my laptop that I can drift off too for background noise really, it helps stop me thinking unwanted thoughts.

Hope today is a good one for you

[TexasAg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck, I'm on a quick layover at the airport but just wanted to send you some good vibes, wishes and prayers.

I wish you had a dog to go walk or throw a a ball with. Cats suck at that and it would be good to just get out. I'm in the airport in Panama and can see the beautiful mountains and jungle (and also all the young beautiful tourists your age) and I'm not getting tanked at the airport bar. Well, really not enough time, but you'd be surprised how much damage I could've done int the past. Anyways, just want to say hang in there brother, there's a whole beautiful world calling.

Cheers and Salud!

Ok

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Thank you Space and Tex. Space, I know I should be sleeping better by now, and it is getting a little better, slowly. I just sort of zone out in the evenings and into the night. Don't really feel like doing anything, so I sit in the living room, listen to music, stare out the window. But hey, I'm paying ungodly amounts of dollars for my view of the skyline, so might as well look at it, right? And then there's some Xbox, so I'm not entirely innocent when it comes to this staying up late business. Waking up and trying to drag my ass out of bed is still pretty rough, though, but I'm working on that.

Anyway, did most of the things I'd wanted/needed to do this weekend. Of course a little behind, still, but that's just par for the course.

I'm jealous of the airport bar, Tex. That used to be the only reason I kind of looked forward to flying. Aren't you supposed to be slightly drunk at the airport, no matter what time of day or night it is? :H

[playland]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck,
I'm totally wondering how you are doing this abstinence thing, wow, I know it must be pretty terrible, but at least you don't have the awful leg pain from the bac, I guess you have to opt for the least of the evils, and as long as you are doing this good then hang in there

I didn't catch the post about airports but yes, I've always thought they were a great place to drink and no one looks at you funny no matter what time of day or night. One time I came back thru Dallas I think on a Sunday and they could not serve a drink until noon and then only if you ordered a full meal to go with, and that was at a BAR, OMG, well, I don't go there on Sundays anymore.

I've also been wondering how it is that you have so much time to be able to hide out at home? don't you teach or something like that? and isn't school in session? do you just stay home when you feel like it with no questions asked? Just curious, sounds like a good job, haha.

Ok, talk soon, love you and all that stuff,
play