Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hope you enjoy your weekend and dont go off the rails Stuck. Whats happening with the new bac plan then.

Bye the way IMHO for all its worth your love life is way too messy and complicated. Between the barmaid, the ex the onenighter's, just get yourself a girlfriend and for fucks sake stop messing around. OK thats your telling off from me for the year done and dusted.

Take care

Space xx

[oliveoyl]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

StuckinLA;1494413 wrote: Leg pain, somnolence during an evening class last semester, and general ennui.

I just wasn't happy (go figure). And believe it or not, I am grateful for the opportunities that I do have and the place(s) where I have them. There are people online and off who care deeply for me, students who seem not to think I'm a complete wreck, and of course the eternal sunshine of Southern California. Even my exGF wants me to stay in near-continuous contact with her this weekend so she knows I'm not going off the rails in Vegas. And all of next year I'll be paid my normal salary for sitting on my ass and doing absolutely nothing, while supposedly researching and writing my dissertation. Things are good, no doubt.

Which is why I'm getting myself bac on track--more or less.

Sounds like a bunch of BS to your self . Stuck. Sorry. You are so much like me torn between to lovers ..the buzz of drinking...ooo I love the anticipation and the decision to get hammered ..then the other side ..why do I do this to me self I feel terrible I have to stop this self destruction .

are we having fun yet:H
Don't think so .
What ever .
Just my thoughts
Stay well stuck you are spilling ya guts here for a reason ..non?

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oh so by the way I was in Vegas over the weekend. It went pretty well, except for the first night when I was in a damned bad way with some intense anxiety. Fairly sure that wasn't AL withdrawal, but don't know what else it could've been, either. Oh well, after a couple beers and a 48oz margarita I was right as rain, and yesterday just didn't stop drinking from the time I was eating cheese and crackers for breakfast to the time I passed the hell out.

So most of the weekend I was ready to fall in love with any woman in front of me, including the bikini-clad blackjack dealer, to whom I lost $60 in about 10 minutes. But then Saturday night we went downtown to the sketchy parts of Vegas, watched a Celtic Rock band, and there were many, many showgirls there for me to again also fall in love with while also at the same time being too shy to take pictures with any of them.

Finally we ended up, not at a strip club goddammit, but a biker bar called Hogs & Heifers, and holy sweet mercy, I have seen now visions of the beyond. This is the Heaven that good little alcoholics get to go to after they've burned through their too brief lives and gone to the eternal everafter for their reward. My sweet Christ, everything about this place was speaking directly to me. The blues/classic rock on the jukebox, the photo booth and photo strips from that photo booth, which were all of women baring themselves, the bartender shouting at me through a megaphone and doing shots with me, the bartenders and random women dancing on the bar while spilling out of their tops, every last little thing about this bar made me happy and at peace and thankful that the world can really be this wonderful of a place when it wants to be.

And now I'm home, in LA, exhausted, and just wanting to spend a quiet night at home with a few beers and maybe a movie or something, but instead a good friend is having her birthday party at a gay club in West Hollywood, where they serve hamburgers and have Drag Queen Bingo. And I swear to God on high, if I blackout again and wake wondering if I had gay sex, well, I guess at least this time it would've had to have been with a tranny drag queen, and that's pretty much like having sex with a girl, mostly, right?

Hope y'all are well. Night! :l

[bleep]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

What a weekend, from the sounds of it!

And I think you are right about the tranny drag queen sex thing. Almost sort of. Good luck either way.

[Sticky]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck.

Wow, what a wwekend! I've had a couple of fun stays in Vegas. First time around I was with longish term boyfriend 24 or so years ago. I remember the mirror tiles on the ceiling and lots of alcohol. Second time around I was with a group of travel agents on a work famil. No alcohol - I was strong for a while back then.

Keep up the good work. That's sort of good news about your next year. Hope it proves to be a happy one for you.

Cheers
Sticky

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hiya, stuck.

I wonder if putting words on this thing might be a good thing right now?

There's lots I want to say, but I can sum it up with this:

Now may not be the time to make big, life-altering decisions about stuff. Maybe now is the time to write on this thread without thought of what you'll worry about deleting later?

It's just a thought...

And, um, don't delete. Yes, I know. Whatever.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Well so still here, everyone. Day 2 at 40mg/day and, after an unfortunate incident yesterday, looks like I'll be continuing to titrate up, again.

So the good news: not noticing any SEs, or at least I'm attributing any/all kinds of weirdness to too much, or too little, AL. Even the leg sensitivity issue isn't really around at the moment, which is pretty cool. And I should be hitting 60mg/day this weekend.

I can't say that I'm not having a decent time going out drinking and being drunk all the time, but well it's definitely not a very good way to be a productive human being, either. Funny that I worry about being productive now that the semester's over, and summer's starting, but whatever. And had a pretty significant withdrawal anxiety episode yesterday afternoon, which forced me to leave in the middle of class (the one I'm taking, not the one I'm teaching), and it took 20mg of bac and several swigs off the flask in my bag to feel even remotely close to normal, to be able to get on the bus home. And then of course I got drunk, but then at least this girl texted to come over and spend the night, which only lead to even more drinking 'cause she pours like full glasses of whiskey when she gets here... So I didn't end up going to the school thing that I really should've gone to this morning.

Anyway, I just really prefer being a functioning alcoholic, and that's not quite where I am right now...

:l:l

Oh, and Sticky, the first Vegas trip sounds like a bit more fun than the second.

[bleep]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Holidays are the best time to be productive, if you ask me.

What dose did your leg pain start at last time? I presume you tried Ibuprofen or something similar (not overly familiar with what drugs you would take for this though)?

I can imagine that if you prefer to be an active alcoholic, it's going to make this quite tricky, but I'm not sure how you can get around that, to be honest. Motivation is pretty key to the whole thing.

Best of luck, Stuck.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Well whiskey-girl came over again last night. I hadn't been feeling very well at the bar, so left after only two drinks and watched the hockey game here at home, in bed, and then ended up on the phone with one of my friends for a long while, listening to him complain about just about everything in his life. Ugh. But anyway, after the girl got here I gave her the majority of the bourbon I had here, and mercifully then ran out of booze without being able, myself, to get too drunk. In fact, I felt kinda soberish by the time I was falling asleep. So that's making for a pretty decent morning.

I have no idea why I just wrote any of that, actually. But whatever. Good days all around, I hope. :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Writing is good. So I hear.

[chaos]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Stuck how's your ativan supply buddy?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Morning, Stuck. My words have all but dried up. Weird how that happens, isn't it? I happened on the following post this morning, and thought it was pertinent, so I swiped it.

Before that, though...I suppose I can sort of understand your ambivalence. I'm still smoking, after all. I am totally clear about the fact that I could quit, that I would quit if that was what I really wanted. I've got all this stuff wrapped up in smoking, though. I've even had some profound early morning insights related to it. I am definitely attached to the 14 year old version of me that thinks it's cool and rebellious. I still wrap myself around that it helps me think and concentrate. There's more but I won't bore you with the full list. Suffice it to say, that I can see it all for what it is--bullshit. But my subconscious is still holding on tight. I'll go for a day or two (when I'm out of my normal routine) without a smoke and without issue. Then when I sit down to study or write, without even thinking about it, I'll reach for a cigarette. One afternoon I looked all over my study for my pack before I remembered that I hadn't had a cigarette in more than a day. I think I used to have that going on about booze. (Multiplied by a hundred thousand factors--not the least of which was the craving, to which cigarettes pale in comparison. Amazing to me now how little cigarettes matter compared to the only other thing that has ever ridden my back. Writing that makes me a bit chagrined, actually. It's time to give up the smokes...)

But this isn't about the cigs, or me, obviously. Perhaps the point is that giving something up just because I know it's the right thing to do doesn't really work for me. I need some dire consequences to fuel that fire. More than that, I need a goal that is impeded by the choice to continue doing what I'm doing. The rest? The reasons and stuff? hmmm. That's just lies I tell myself.

One more thing: It's much more likely to fuel the feeling that one is doing something wrong if one takes pills to feel good as opposed to taking them to address an actual issue, that once resolved, doesn't need to be treated anymore. Plus, the pills (almost any of them) don't really work like that. Not for a big problem anyway.

btw, as an aside, and because I don't want to end with a lecture, I'll babble a bit...I'm taking pharmacology right now. As much as you'd think I'd be into it, it's going to be my first B. Pisses me off, because it's very much related to being totally burnt out rather than the subject matter or my ability. I hadn't opened the book until last week. However, I've decided to get a perfect score on the final (totally setting myself up...and punishing myself for slacking all quarter) and let me tell you, this stuff is fascinating. The things I've learned about antibiotics make me more squeamish about taking pills than anything I've ever read before! oy vey. They'll mess a body up! And yet...Who hesitates to take antibiotics? Aspirin, which I already knew was amazing, changes the body chemistry for a week! One standard dose! Who knew?

In preparing for this perfect score, I've rediscovered how much I love studying (and learning) and wish I had the ability to take it all over again. God, I'm such a nerd.

So much for dried up words, huh? On to the other guy's words, now. xxoo

BHOG;1487452 wrote: I wrote this in response to a particular individual. Many of the others who read it afterwords suggested I post it here. So, here you are. Please read, comment if you would like. PM me if you want to talk a little more privately.
My best to all of you, and as I am fond of saying,
STAY STRONG


When I decided to get sobered up, one of the major factors in my success was this site. It made me accountable to other people. While my wife supported my decision to quit, she was not about to "get between you and your habits." We had been down that road too many times, and I would become resentful of her telling me "you said you would quit." Then we would get into an arguement...I'm sure you know that road.

For me, having an agreement with myself to report my failures as well as my success to a group seemed to be a good tool.

When I really got serious about working through my alcoholism, I was on this site a great deal of the time. Posting as often as every hour, every 30 minutes, getting strength from others here who had been down my road. I had some great mentors, who would provide incredible postive comments when I did well, as well as constructive criticism when needed.

I also wrote down a plan. I did not want to go from 2 bottles of wine a night to zero in one day. So I wrote it down, and within two weeks could go a whole day without drinking. Then up to two, etc.

Did it go perfect? HELL NO! I slipped, I stumbled, I got drunk; I got back up, dusted myself off, and went back to work. It took about 1 to 1.5 years to get it right. I felt like a total failure when I fell, but when I succeeded in being successful for even a day, I felt powerful!

Part of the reason it took so long, in retrospect, is I thought I could moderate my consumption. And I could, to a point. But it seemed to me, and to the wife, that I could last about two weeks, then off the deep end. Then angry words would be said, tempers would be lost, and damage done. I finally came to the conclusion that I could not moderate at all, I needed to quit, and never go back.

Why did I drink? For all the regular reasons: rough childhood, bad day at work, stress over money, over inlaws, parents, and children. Because it was a sunny day and we were enjoying the deck in the evening. Perhaps because the sun came up, I would have a bloody mary. Perhaps because it was expected in my profession. Reality, it did not matter why I drank, I just did.

Perhaps because I was a fool.

I think I told you before, I write. I work on political points of view, on very personal poetry, and current events. I was of the opinion that my writing was better when I drank, and at that time I did not know any better, because I was always drinking. As I dried out, my writing became very rough, very uneven. But, when I finally acheived sobriety, my writing became much better, I achieved some of my personal goals, and am working on others.

Long story short, it is your life we are talking about here. You need to make the decision, will I let alcohol control the balance of my life, or will I control it? When you make that decision, make it firmly, write it down. Put it where you can see it every day. Create a plan, explain to your self exactly how you will succeed, what steps you need to take to succeed. Then, work the plan, follow it, keep yourself on track.
Don't be afraid to use the resources here. On this site, as I think you probably know, are people in various stages of recovery, or healing. Some of those people will never make the commitment to sober up, or even to moderate. Some are here just for the attention they crave. Others, to "pay it forward" and be the mentor and support for someone else, just as others worked to help them. BUT, by and large, people here are trying to get a grip, just like you. Talk with them, learn from all of us. You can do this.

I hope I have not bored you with this lengthy wandering dissertation. If I can help in any way, I am here for you.
It's from this thread: https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...ead-75099.html

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

That was a great post, Ne, both yours and the one you quoted.

Well folks, so it's about 3 AM here and I'm wide awake, and bored, and vaguely drunkish, and just kinda hanging out on the internet and listening to music and not really feeling like there's any beginning or end to the days, ya' know? Been drinking kindasorta all day for a few days now, and the weekend mostly disappeared, and now it's (technically) Monday morning, and I have to meet with students all afternoon today, and tomorrow, and then my last class is on Wednesday, and after that the next 15 months are paid for and completely unstructured time.

So I guess I'm just sort of bored and rambling right now, but anyone following this thread will already know that's how I roll. So here's a really weird thing that happened the other night when Whiskey-Girl was over: right before I had decent sex with her, and she talked all kinds of dirty about the 3-way she wants to have with me, which made me very happy, she said something that made me very unhappy and very confused and troubled. She said that she can tell I'm in a much different, much better place, and just generally happier and more together than when she met me last summer.

Last summer, when she and I met, I was right about near my switch, just to remind ya'll. Now, there are a lot of reasons I'm skeptical of her point of view, not the least of which is how much she herself drinks, and how she said that she doesn't think she could hang out with me if I'm not drinking, but there was something about how earnestly she felt I'm better now that really hit me. Am I that outwardly troubled and depressed when I'm trying to get sober? I mean, I AM NOT better right now. But maybe I seem that way when I've had some drinks? I just don't know.

And so instead of figuring it all out, today I drank. And I went to school and picked up my students' assignments that I should've gotten on Friday, but didn't, and I read some of them and made comments on them, in my office, while I was taking hits off the flask in my bag, and then my friend called and was bored and wanted to pick me up from campus. So he did, and we went back to my place, and he talked at me about how fucking depressed he is about his life and how much everything has gone wrong for him in grad school, and about how everything, everything, is fucked up. And I listened, and I drank, and he's sober since his DUI about 30-something days ago, and I told him a couple days ago that I'd take him to my Monday night AA meeting here in the neighborhood, since it's a pretty good one in my opinion, and he has to go to AA now, and he's not quite there in terms of figuring out which ones are good and which suck and which he should go to or not. So tonight, actually, after meeting with my students, I'll be going again to AA, and definitely not sober. That's cool--I've never been to AA drunk before. This should be fun and interesting.

This poor bastard. He's done some really dumb shit here, and blames everyone but himself for his troubles, but it's not all his fault. And he's in a pretty bad place. Meanwhile I've done absolutely no work for the last year and a half, am so far behind that I don't even know where to start, and those in charge of my academic career seem to still think that I'm awesome... I don't get it. It makes me uncomfortable. I want this semester to end so that I can spend the next year+ hiding.

So that's where I'm at. Drunk. Hungry. In bed and awake at 3 AM. And wanting so badly to babble on about absolutely nothing. (Thank you all, BTW, for listening if you're listening.) And I'm listening to music on my laptop and drinking in bed and hanging out with my cats, who are elated that I'm awake right now, and wondering how the fuck I got here and how the fuck I'm going to get somewhere else, and where that "else" might even be. But I do desperately want to connect with people, which is why I'm writing here, and they're all asleep. So, again, no texting my friends but instead writing here, while I should in all honesty be sleeping and getting ready for this afternoon, and after.

Oh well. It's been a hell of a week. I should tell you all about Vegas and the bartender(s) saga this week, and I will sometime probably soon, but for now I think I've about exhausted your interest. In case you all think that I'm just self-centered, self-indulgent, narcissistic prick (which I am), and talking on and on incessantly about my own self for no fucking reason, I will say that I'm posting here on my own thread because I went bac up to 60mg today, and am continuing bac up until this whole bender nonsense is done.



:l:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I have a thing for alcoholic men. No big surprise, right? Don't get me wrong. I don't (didn't. HA!) date the wrong kind of guy. I wasn't into seriously fucked up and/or abusive and/or crazy. Not that there aren't some of those in there, of course. But my sense of self-preservation (or whatever) kept much of that at bay.

Years ago I had a friend who had a boyfriend who she said "fit her." There was a song associated but if i was to explain it all it would take an hour and who has time for that? Bottom line is that when she explained it all to me, that she and he had the same dark space and so fit together, I thought (out loud), "Well, that's sick. and waaay fucked up." We stopped being friends shortly after that.

Came to find out that it was my M.O., too. duh. And rather than belaboring the point, and trying to hint at it so that you'll get it without my being too pushy, I'm just going to say it: Judging where you are based on the opinion of an alcoholic sex-friend with whom you don't actually have a relationship is kinda silly. It's actually pretty fucking obtuse. While I (again) hesitate to call it like it is, I'll share with you that my opinion is exactly the opposite of hers. Why does my opinion outrank hers? Because I have no vested interest in keeping you drunk and fuckable. Perhaps she understands (and for good reason) that there might be a day sometime soon when the promise of a 3some is tiresome drivel in the face of shit that is actually worth doing. If for no other reason than the fact that there is always someone left out.

That said I know many, many men from my 12 step days who transferred their obsession with booze to their obsession with women*. (Sometimes men, when I think about it. But in the gay community 'round here, that's not sayin' much.) So you could have that to look forward to!

As to the year and the stuff you have to do and other people's misguided esteem of your worth: Every single aspect of that is the disease talking. I won't even bother to try to dissuade you of those thoughts, or build up your self-esteem. The grip of that beast has you by the balls and the brain. I can't compete. Suffice it to say, there is plenty of time, you have plenty of smarts, and it will all fall into place when you are sober. I know that sucks (in a way), but it's true. Hell, it'll probably all fall into place even if your drunk. Until it just stops falling into place. That ALWAYS happens. It's why most of us end up here, and on bac, and just feckin' doing this really hard thing.

Hope today sucks less. xo

*I edited out a different word, because the obsession isn't really with women. It's with f*cking/conquering. But I can't really use that word. So there you go.

[bleep]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

The promise of a threesome will never be tiresome drivel.