Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Looks like it's about 5 AM here. Huh. Wonder how that happened. I think it started with me be really super good today, after all the BS on Sunday and finally, finally getting some sleep yesterday during mostly the morning time. And then going in to school, because I need to get reimbursed for that class-trip to the bar for food. And I need to see a couple admin-assistants to get clearance to actually register for next semester. They weren't there, so that didn't work out, and the woman in my dept. didn't have enough petty cash to reimburse me, so I've gotta go back tomorrow now, too. And on top of all that, today is the day that everyone in the dept. I used to teach for has to get themselves locked in a small room all day to grade. And they always go to the bar after. So the grad student girl I sleep with sometimes was wanting me to meet here there, and I said I'd go. But she must've forgotten about all that, and by the time I was heading in to meet her--on time, actually--she said that the bar tradition wasn't happening and she'd already left campus. Oh well.

And then I did dishes and a lot of laundry, and got quite a few small things done here around the house. I caught up on some TV, caught up on eating, and drank lots of water. I did start to freak out a little, though, with not having any booze here. So I went down and grabbed a bottle, even thought I wasn't in a very drinking mood--I just wasn't let's say comfortable having only one beer here.

But then around 1:30 I opened that bottle. And I'm still catching up on TV. And trying to get ready for bed, and knowing that I've gotta go in to campus again "tomorrow." It's cool. It'll be fine. Went up to 100mg today. And just keeping that bac-ball rolling. Life's gonna be good again real soon. Or it'll be terrible as it's always been, but differently. Whatever.

Most of you are sleeping right now, I believe, except those of you who aren't, depending on the time zones. But either way, I hope you're having a good one. Big :l:l

[playland]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oh Stuck.
This AL thing is just like an abusive relationship isn't it? Can't live with it and can't live without it, can't stop being brainwashed by all the BS that goes along with this relationship, it's like domestic abuse, for some reason we just keep coming back for more, myself included. I'm thinking perhaps it really is time for me to start seeing a therapist, not for AL but for my issues that go into keeping me in this abuse.

Anyway, think of you every day and pretty disappointed that the wedding won't be happening in LA and probably not at all but I was looking forward to seeing you at the open bar

I need to find out whatever happened to our big Road Trip adventure where all of us middle age ladies come knocking on your door, I'll check into it and want to make sure that Space can be here for it.

Love you.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

So I'm at 100mg/day. Started drinking a beer and some bourbon here this afternoon, then went down to the bar to watch the hockey game. Hot bartender was there, and I sat down on her side of the bar. She switched the TV to the game, and I ordered a beer--saying that I really didn't need the tequila shot, 'cause I wasn't feeling all that well. I was feeling rather crappy, actually. And anxious. She and I talked for a bit, I watched some of the game, and quickly realized there was no way I was going to be able to stay there. There's this feeling on the right side of my head, like in my head that's just creeping me out.

So even though I started a tab, and you need to spend $10 to close the tab, and even though Hot Bartender and I were talking, and she seemed excited to see me, and when she mentioned how she also passed out early and woke in the middle of the night on Cinco de Mayo, bored and texting friends to see if they were awake, I mentioned that I have insomnia too and she could always text me, and seemed excited like that is a good plan. Even though all that was going on, and my team scored a goal and took the lead, that feeling in the side of my head, like weird, and like everything was just tilted off kilter and out of balance, and I had to go. So I paid cash for my $2 beer and collected my card and ID, and I left.

Got home, where there's no longer any booze, turned the hockey game on and took an Ativan, and am starting to feel better. I'm cooking a couple chicken breasts for dinner, since I haven't had much in the way of food today, and just kind of hanging out and drinking water. Still working on getting in all my bac today. And it seems like I just want to take. Take everything. 100mg of bac, 300mg of neurontin, just to see if it helps counter the leg issue, which is coming on strong, advil for the headache/weird issue, then Ativan, and all this after drinking a little.

And when I got home, I also went online and scheduled myself a doctor's appointment at the university health center for tomorrow at noon. My usual doc, who knows about the drinking and the bac and everything, the one who got me over to the counseling I did last year, has taken a job at a different hospital and so is no longer an option for me. So I'm debating my approach for tomorrow. Whatever's in my record might determine some of that for me--if the drinking and bac is in there, which I think it might be, I might just have to go ahead and come clean about everything, and make this doc my permanent new doc, and just explain the whole story until she is on board. Not sure exactly what I'm looking for, though, really. Something to make sure I'm not really about to have a stroke or an aneurism? More benzos, since they seem to work at least for the anxiety? A referral to a shrink? Maybe some beta blockers for my blood pressure, since I'm sure it's probably out of control right now, and am too worried about it to check it here at home?

Well, I guess we'll see tomorrow. Needed to go to campus anyway, for the gym and for reimbursement from that class outing and to get clearance to finally register for the fall. Big day tomorrow. Unfortunately, now that I'm starting to feel better and calmer, and my head doesn't feel quite so wonky, I'm getting every few minutes back in the mood to drink more. Next back dose in 30 minutes. Then chicken. Then... Time will tell. And I'll probably be back around here later on... :l:l

[bleep]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I relate (how I hate that phrase) to the wanting to take, take, take. Not sure what it is and what it is caused by, but know that you aren't alone.

And I would tell the doc everything. You lot seem to struggle with insurance issues in that part of the world, which is truly a terrible thing, but if you can balance that against full disclosure, then great. And who knows, maybe this doc will be one of the rare ones who actually gives a shit about people?

[spacebebe01]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Stuck, sorry I havent been keeping up with whats going on for you but just want you to know Im thinking of you.

space xx

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

hmmmm. I don't really know what to write.

Here's what comes to mind:

An image and Obi Wan's voice urging Luke to Come to the Light. Step away from the man in black with the fucked up face...

And also this:



I guess I feel like the more things stay the same...the more things stay the same. The bar. The women. The booze seems like it's almost secondary to all of that...Make no mistake, though, that the obsession with the chick and the sex with the other chicks, is a function of the same disease. Maybe that sounds judgmental? Maybe it is. If it is, it's a function of concern, and not one of moral condemnation. It's not about how or with whom you are "in love" or shagging. I couldn't care less. But fucked-upedness begets fucked-upedness. That's a truth, too. I think it is, anyway.

I'm glad you're going to see the doctor. I'm also fairly certain you can guess the outcome. (Don't drink. Stop taking bac. Take these other meds in order to manage what you're going through.) Bac lowers blood pressure unless you're taking too much of it or combining it with a whole bevy of other things, including and especially booze and anxiety. Your anxiety is off the charts tonight, and has been building for several days. I write that because I don't know if you can see it at the moment. Or see it for what it is.
I really, really hope that you'll let them figure out what's going on with your legs. It might be serious-ish. Definitely worthwhile, even if it's not.

Hang in there. I'm pulling for you as hard and with as much earnest gusto as I can, on this forum and in the other ones too. My first prayer/thought/whisper-in-the-wind is that you'll take good care of yourself today.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Ne/Neva Eva;1502824 wrote: hmmmm. I don't really know what to write.

Here's what comes to mind:

An image and Obi Wan's voice urging Luke to Come to the Light. Step away from the man in black with the fucked up face...

And also this:



Hang in there.

Sorry, Ne, had to quote before you deleted.

You can run off that cliff as long as you like, as long as you don't look down. I heart you, love, you know that.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

StuckinLA;1502827 wrote: Sorry, Ne, had to quote before you deleted.
:H
I think I'm done deleting for the moment. No promises, though.

StuckinLA;1502827 wrote: You can run off that cliff as long as you like, as long as you don't look down.

By why would one want to do that? The fall always, always happens, even (especially) if you're not looking.

bacatcha :l

[taw]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Stuck,

Good Luck at the doc today! I think you should be totally honest. You never know, maybe they will be the one with the answers to help you!

Hope you get some relief soon! Lots of :l:l:l

T

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Soooooo... Was doing pretty well yesterday, doing dishes and such, and eating, which I think was probably necessary, until just after midnight. That's when I accidentally drank an entire fifth of bourbon. That's not normal for me. Maybe it's because I didn't go to the bar first...

Anyway so I just got done at the docs. My blood pressure was quite high but not as high as it's been. I don't know if I actually have hypertension or if I'm just in AL withdrawal every time I see a doc. Being at the doc's doesn't help my anxiety much, either. Anyway so it was a PA that saw me, not a full doc, so there was no point telling her anything. But I do now have an appointment with an internist next Monday, and I'll probably end up going back on norvasc or, hopefully, a beta blocker. So we're sitting there, and she's going through my file, and there's this one point where my B/P was fine. And I said well yeah, I went off norvasc because I was less stressed and not drinking as much, but now I'm drinking more than I should. "How much do you drink?" she asks. "Oh, you know, nightly. Maybe five or six beers." "Any hard liquor?" she asks. "No, that's not really my thing."

So she asks how I'm doing today, like am I going to have a meltdown or anything. And I say I'm doing all right, mostly, but not sure how I'll be later. So, basically at her suggestion based on how I don't even know this is in my file there, I scored a script for 10 more Ativan.

So since this girl who took an Incomplete last spring FINALLY turned the rest of her shit in, at the last possible moment, I sat down to grade her last papers and be done with the whole hastle of dealing with her. Then I tried to run a few errands, like getting clearance to register for classes, but one of the people I need has been out sick all week and the other was in a meeting. So I just went to the bathroom and took several swallows from the pint of vodka in my bag. Now I'm on the bus, heading home, and going to chill there for the rest of the afternoon. Whiskey-girl was trying to sext with me from work this morning, and I kinda wasn't into it at all. But maybe that's just because I was trying to buy a bottle of vodka and get to that doc appointment on time, and was a little rushed. So maybe that's how I'll kill the afternoon. Or by writing long, heartfelt emails to all my friends, or something equally unproductive.

And I think today's a good day to go up to 120. Hope everybody's having a good one out there! Space, my love, I'm thinking about you too. And Play, everyday. I know I don't mention other people too much here, but I am thinking about you all. And I'm so grateful that you're all thinking about me, and being supportive even when I'm not doing all that much (or anything, really) to deserve it.

Oh, and if you have not yet seen Silver Linings Playbook, I highly recommend it. Though it is about mental illness and can be tough at times, depending on how you're doing, but it does end on a happy note. (Spoiler Alert!!!)

:l:l:l

[spiritwolf333]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

StuckinLA;1503017 wrote: Soooooo... Was doing pretty well yesterday, doing dishes and such, and eating, which I think was probably necessary, until just after midnight. That's when I accidentally drank an entire fifth of bourbon. That's not normal for me. Maybe it's because I didn't go to the bar first...

Anyway so I just got done at the docs. My blood pressure was quite high but not as high as it's been. I don't know if I actually have hypertension or if I'm just in AL withdrawal every time I see a doc. Being at the doc's doesn't help my anxiety much, either. Anyway so it was a PA that saw me, not a full doc, so there was no point telling her anything. But I do now have an appointment with an internist next Monday, and I'll probably end up going back on norvasc or, hopefully, a beta blocker. So we're sitting there, and she's going through my file, and there's this one point where my B/P was fine. And I said well yeah, I went off norvasc because I was less stressed and not drinking as much, but now I'm drinking more than I should. "How much do you drink?" she asks. "Oh, you know, nightly. Maybe five or six beers." "Any hard liquor?" she asks. "No, that's not really my thing."

So she asks how I'm doing today, like am I going to have a meltdown or anything. And I say I'm doing all right, mostly, but not sure how I'll be later. So, basically at her suggestion based on how I don't even know this is in my file there, I scored a script for 10 more Ativan.

So since this girl who took an Incomplete last spring FINALLY turned the rest of her shit in, at the last possible moment, I sat down to grade her last papers and be done with the whole hastle of dealing with her. Then I tried to run a few errands, like getting clearance to register for classes, but one of the people I need has been out sick all week and the other was in a meeting. So I just went to the bathroom and took several swallows from the pint of vodka in my bag. Now I'm on the bus, heading home, and going to chill there for the rest of the afternoon. Whiskey-girl was trying to sext with me from work this morning, and I kinda wasn't into it at all. But maybe that's just because I was trying to buy a bottle of vodka and get to that doc appointment on time, and was a little rushed. So maybe that's how I'll kill the afternoon. Or by writing long, heartfelt emails to all my friends, or something equally unproductive.

And I think today's a good day to go up to 120. Hope everybody's having a good one out there! Space, my love, I'm thinking about you too. And Play, everyday. I know I don't mention other people too much here, but I am thinking about you all. And I'm so grateful that you're all thinking about me, and being supportive even when I'm not doing all that much (or anything, really) to deserve it.

Oh, and if you have not yet seen Silver Linings Playbook, I highly recommend it. Though it is about mental illness and can be tough at times, depending on how you're doing, but it does end on a happy note. (Spoiler Alert!!!)

:l:l:l

Thanks for posting (and the honesty).

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I guess I want to post a quickie, since I've just been posting a lot on the threads of very new people, and if they notice my name at the top of the boards they might be dropping by here to see what's what and what I'm all about.

So: I am a very active (:H) alcoholic right now. And I post here a lot about my drinking exploits, 'cause I like to and there seem to be plenty of people who don't mind it, and everyone could use a little lighthearted humor. You'd have to slog through most of this thread to see how bac HAS in the past WORKED for me, and you'll just have to wait around to see how it's going to work again. (I'm not saying slog through this f*cking thread, btw, I'm just saying that here so you don't have to--you're welcome.) So anyway I am titrating up again on bac, and am currently only around 100-120mg/day, and that's simply not enough to keep me from drinking myself silly, because I have issues.

Stick with it, newbies. Have faith, and Just Keep Taking The Goddamned Pills (JKTTGDP). :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

:l :l :l

Congrats on scoring the appointment with the internist. And thanks for the movie rec. You know I only watch the ones with the happy endings.

[TexasAg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Howdy Stuck!

You know, as much as I love to live vicariously through your stories, you don't have to keep doing it for my benefit.

Just re-read Cannery Row by Steinbeck, and thought of you. Don't know why, well yes I do, but just wanted to let you know that I'm sending positive vibes your way (I stole your phrase )

StuckinLA;1503017 wrote: Soooooo...
Oh, and if you have not yet seen Silver Linings Playbook, I highly recommend it. Though it is about mental illness and can be tough at times, depending on how you're doing, but it does end on a happy note. (Spoiler Alert!!!)

:l:l:l

Loved this movie. But, yeah, would've been weird seeing it a year ago pre-bac days.

Cheers!

[paulywogg]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

hey stuck,wrote a big post today,got lost,anyways just wanted to say what you think may be se's to the bac may just be from being af such as sleep probs,foggy head,afternoon fatigue etc,i get the same thjng and i dont take anything,keep at it,were with you