Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

spiritwolf333;1616990 wrote: Really look forward to hearing more about your results taking gabapentin. Thankss

Of course, here goes:

First day AF took 1/2 Ativan

Day 2 AF took 600mg x2 gabapentin, didn't feel all that great but did sleep a little

Day 3 AF took 600mg x2 gabapentin, felt really crappy and anxious, took 1/2 Ativan and got a little sleep

Day 4 AF took 300mg gabapentin if I remembered to take it at all

Day 5 AF (today) fuck the whole thing, not taking anything

Hope my (admittedly limited) experience is helpful... for somebody out there.

[spiritwolf333]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Thanks for the update stuck. From what I have read, the doses were suppose to be either 900mg or 1800mg per day. Sounds like 0mg is your dose preference?

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Not sure "supposed to be," but they *did use* 900mg or 1800mg. One p-doc I saw once recommended something ridiculous, like 2800mg/day. The past couple days I managed 1200, but never took a 3rd dose to reach 1800. And I felt weird on the end of the 2nd day - which I cannot attribute to gabapentin, because I have taken it off/on in the past and really noticed nothing, good or bad.

[Juan BH]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I'm sorry about the existential sucker punch on the abstinence thread Stuck. That kind of thing is not helpful.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Juan BH;1618774 wrote: I'm sorry about the existential sucker punch on the abstinence thread Stuck. That kind of thing is not helpful.

Don't worry about it. Kierkegaard's over everyone's head.

:l Stuckaroo. Thought about you a bit today.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Aw thanks, guys! You are swell. And no worries, Juan, seriously. Every so often an existential sucker punch is just what's in order. And sometimes a nice long walk around a park with a lake and a fountain spraying into the night sky, backlit by the LA skyline is all you need. And a burrito from a truck on the street, and some text messages with a girl who really likes you. And still sometimes even that doesn't compete with the bluesy twang of some good, sad, rhythm and rock that you just bought today, and sitting at home alone after an anxious day looking toward the rest of the night and the week ahead and looking at the bourbon in the cupboard, well, it all comes together. My best nights now are when I'm falling back on instinct, when I don't have the chance to think about what's best, or good, or even really advisable, and I don't think about anxiety or withdrawal or alcohol as a problem or a solution, but just do what I do. And tonight that's listening to music and texting with a girl who really likes me and having a drink. Tomorrow is something else entirely.

:l

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

StuckinLA;1618888 wrote: Tomorrow is something else entirely.

Well that was certainly optimistic, Stuck, how'd it work out for you?

[treetops]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Well come on spill the beans.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Oh you know, or I'm sure you can imagine, that I've gone back to nightly drinking this week. As the drinking days have piled up, I've tried to more or less avoid the hard stuff - no more bringing a bottle of bourbon home after the bar. A couple nights earlier this week I had wine, and if there's bourbon here I *will* drink it, straight, and that's no good at all. So I'll take some shots at the bar, but there's only beer here at home, and I'm watching it, keeping an eye on things.

Not sure which drink it'll be that tips the withdrawal scales back toward full-on panic and hell, and yes I'm going to have to worry about my blood pressure again here soon, but so far things are OK. Probably a little less than OK. But I wrote and submitted a conference proposal at the deadline on Thursday, and finally submitted the article that I've been working on for far too long - still not thinking it's done or near good enough, but I hit a wall and at least now it's out of my hands, and revision is built into the academic publishing process so if it gets taken I will have a chance to work on it more. And I've done some reading and a little dissertation research, and will start writing my next chapter on Monday. Just finished a letter of recommendation for a former student.

So things are kind of restructuring themselves around the opposite poles of working and drinking. I am not saying this is a good thing, necessarily, and I know I'm going to have to slow my roll in the near future, probably the very near future. For *right* now, though, right this second, aside from sleeping in way too late in the mornings, and the generally fuzzy memories of the end of the night before, and spending too much money at the bar, things are pretty fine. There's almost no Xbox, and I'm holding off on the drinking until evening, after a long walk, and making sure I read for at least a little bit as the night's getting started.

Again, I know problems are in the mail, and I'm just waiting for them to be delivered. But for now it's a matter of going with the flow and not worrying too, too much, since worrying seems to make everything worse. The girl will be here this week, so I'll try to straighten up around then.

[treetops]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I better not 'enable' you in your ways but you try to take care. You don't need me to remind you that the intake soon or gradually adds up (I mean AL).

At least eat your greens and floss your teeth!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

How do I say 'I know' in a way that conveys everything I'm feeling right now? I *know* the drinking needs to slow way, way, waaaaaay down, like immediately. Like everyday, I know that it needs to pretty much stop. But then I go through reading my books at the bar, and make so many notes and get so much done, and so many ideas for what I'll put in my dissertation tomorrow. 'Tomorrow' ends up being hungover and kinda crap, sure, but still less crap and less unproductive than I was a couple months ago.

My therapist used the word 'stuck' 7 times today. It made me smile.

The new girl will be here tomorrow night. She knows I'm drinking again, and she's a little nervous about it, but she says she just wants to be with me. I don't envy her.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

StuckinLA;1636086 wrote: Oh good holy Lord. Yes so I had 4 days AF - I was scheduled to give a talk at 8:30 am yesterday (Saturday), at this conference on material culture and history, or something. I'm still unsure of what this was all about, but my paper was accepted to the conference so I had to go, and talk about Internet infrastructure and how that limits free speech online. I was almost as nervous about waking up that early as I was about giving the talk. I HATE knowing I have to wake up early. It gives me terrible anxiety.

Anyway so I stopped drinking for a couple days, then went down to the conference, which was at one of the Cal State schools only about 30 miles from here. Sat through one of the afternoon panels (about 2 hours), then the 1 hour Keynote speaker. Then went to the crappy hotel under a freeway overpass that I'd booked, and freaked out. I timed my paper before going down, and reading it took about 13 minutes. When I got to conference it appeared that we were given 20-25 minutes, and everyone's papers were really well researched and impressive and mine was stupid. So I sat up late on the bed writing all over the draft I was going to read. And the hotel sucked - there were families living there and it was really loud - and there were giant mirrors that I couldn't avoid seeing myself in and I kept thinking holy sh*t I'm fat and bloated from alcohol and I hate myself.

The next morning I did wake up in time, before my alarms even, and went and gave my talk and people asked really good questions and throughout the rest of the day people came up to me and said they liked it and wanted to talk to me. Though of course this just freaked me out. I hate talking to people. And I HATE public speaking so much it's impossible for me to think I'm any good at it. I had planned to leave maybe around noon, but it seemed rude to ditch out all of a sudden, so I stayed for 2 more panels, and asked some questions from the audience, which is stressful you know since you're speaking up in front of 20 or 30 professors and grad students from all over. But then mid-afternoon I FREAKED the f**k out. I don't know if it was just plain anxiety, or delayed alcohol withdrawal, or what but I was just sitting there and suddenly this *thing* came over me where my head felt funny and I wasn't really present and I was sure I was dying or passing out or whatever. That's usually how it feels in withdrawal but I was on Day 5 AF, so I don't know. I just rode it out for about 1/2 an hour (eternity) until the end of the panel, then when we took a break for coffee I got in the car and left without saying goodbye or anything, and not sure if it was even expected that I would say goodbye, and felt kind of terrible about skipping out on the last woman's lecture but I couldn't imagine sitting through another hour-long talk.

So I got home, and drank 2 beers pretty much right away. Then went for a walk around the park here in my neighborhood, then went to the bar. I sat and talked with the bartender and got pretty drunk. Came home and on the way it looks like I bought a giant bottle of vodka, which I probably shouldn't have done. According to my phone, the girl and I talked for almost 3 hours but I have no recollection of it. According to my kitchen counter and the glass on my nightstand, I was drinking vodka and grapefruit soda, and I had a couple of them.

This "morning" I woke up and checked my phone to see it's already 3pm. I know it's daylight saving, but still, sleeping until even 2 is not something I'm accustomed to, and I'm just here kinda freaking out about booze and about the day being gone already and about not remembering what I talked to the girl about for 3 hours. As soon as I got out of bed I poured a vodka and vegetable juice, took a vitamin, smoked some cigarettes, and started writing this, and now I'm on my second poor-man's Bloody Mary. I just... don't know.

I'd planned on taking today off regardless. Yesterday and the day before took enough out of me, and I'd really been working a little bit on both my dissertation and my novel, along with this conference paper. So I don't feel bad about work, but still. I had planned on cleaning my apartment today - vacuuming and laundry and the bathroom and such. And I just finally had the kitchen sink fixed so it's not backed up anymore, so I should really clean up in the kitchen. The LA marathon is today, so with that traffic there's no way I'm going to PetCo for cat food and treats, like I'd wanted to. Guess I'll just stay in bed, watch a hockey game, look at random sh*t on the Internet, and be hungover and drunk today. Nobody said alcoholism was easy, folks.
I sure did a number on myself the last two days. Kept drinking vodka throughout the night. Watched a hockey game, called my parents and talked to them as sober-sounding as I could about the conference and how things have been going. I get kinda talkative sometimes when I'm drunk, so who knows, maybe they knew or maybe they didn't. Maybe they're worried now or maybe not. Then texted with the girl and then sexy-texted, and I know she wanted me to call and I did and I don't remember the exact conversation but I remember what was basically going on and it's a little TMI for here.

This morning I'm awake and feeling godawful. Disoriented because it's already Monday, and just having that "what the f**k is going on" moment that comes with being too drunk too long. Took an Ativan - a whole one - which means I only have one left along with a Xanax and a half. Then I poured all the booze in the house down the sink. 1/2 bottle of vodka and five beers. I hate pouring booze down the drain - it feels like such a meaningless gesture. At the same time it felt like something I had to do. Now I need to shower 'cause I certainly didn't do that yesterday, and clean up around here. There're spilled ashtrays and a few weeks' worth of cat fur and the kitchen floor is a disaster. I can totally get to all this, I think. And I should probably do laundry and wash the sheets because of night sweats. Everything just feels so gross.

I am hopeful that the Ativan will take care of the withdrawal today. Depending on how I'm feeling later I may go to the Monday night AA meeting in my neighborhood. Haven't been there in probably close to a year. Maybe another meaningless gesture, maybe not. I'll at least listen to the Speaker Series podcast that I've taken some comfort in in the past.

Not sure if anyone cares about the diary entry here - but like I get chatty when drunk, I also feel like having to type all this out now. For some kind of connection, since this is such a lonely feeling this morning.

[dundrinkn]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hello Lonely, Stuck in LA,
I liked the ring of that. Seemed kinda literary, which I thought you'd enjoy. I HATE that feeling after the drunken phone calls, texting. And I always sound sober, even when I'm shit faced drunk. I was thinking about this recently. I had a conversation with my father, who is now deceased, where I told him all this really good stuff that was true. But I was drunk when I did it. And I felt gross about it. So I sort of shut down with him after. Which makes me sad now. Because I wish I had been able to tell him all that stuff when I was sober. Stuff like, even though he was a mean drunk, he had some really good qualities as a person and as a Dad. He was sober 20 plus years in AA when he died. He was still a mean person -- that didn't change. But he still had good qualities...

Anyway, I read the daily entries, even if I don't respond very often. And I'm sorry you are feeling lonely and icky. Just stay hydrated (H2O) and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You'll walk out from under the "cloud of shame" soon. It is a horrible feeling, but just a feeling. It isn't who you are. And while you know all this, just keep repeating it to yourself.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Thanks, man, that means a lot - really.

I've never usually been drunk around my parents, with a couple exceptions like the morning after my first DUI when I was still plastered when I got dropped off at home, and the first Christmas Eve dinner after my grandfather passed away. My grandmother remembers it as me being very charming and explaining my dissertation in terms she could understand - I remember it as excusing myself from the table a lot to go smoke and cry. But there've been sober Christmases, too, since then and that makes me feel better about the whole thing.

I am pounding back water, and made slightly less than my usual amount of morning coffee. And this day is starting to come together. Need to get some keys made before 4pm, when a prospective cat sitter will be stopping by. And cleaning, definitely going to do some cleaning and laundry soon. And will probably hit up the AA meeting at 8, if nothing else just for something to do and be around a few people. And I told my mom I'd send her the conference paper I presented on Saturday, so I'll probably take one more look at that, type in some of the handwritten additions I'd made the night before, and send it to her. Then I was thinking about where I might be able to try publishing it. It's not quite academic enough for a journal, but there are a couple academic blogs where it might fit.

And I'll probably be around the boards today off and on. All of you are great. :l

[treetops]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi there Stuck. Just a short note from afar to say hi. I know where you are coming from with conferences and people and stuff but it's much easier to deal with sober. Nothing wrong with leaving early as lots do that.
Be careful with the withdrawals and maybe by now you will be on the way to the AA meeting. Hope that helps. Loneliness is one of the curses of the alkie and writers and many academics. Most actually benefit from spending more time with 'real' people.

Take care.......