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[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

That was kind of a dumb question.

So. Back to you.

[bkyogagurl]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck... Where are yooooooouuuuuu??

Hopefully enjoying your new chick..

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I'm going to assume that he is too busy being brilliant, writing copious amounts of words, and preparing for publication to stop by here. Maybe there's a word-per-day-limit to the brain and he exceeds it?

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

There's certainly a word-per-day-limit before whoever's listening tells me to shut the f**k up, that's for sure!

Ugh, the publications. Almost - almost - almost ready to send this damned thing back! I told you guys the story about this thing, right? I started working on this article last summer, because I'd just taught a class on the topic, and thought I could knock it out real quick. It has nothing to do with my dissertation or my research, but it suddenly kept growing and getting out of control and I quit working on it for a while. Then picked it up again, 'cause I'd sunk too much time into it not to do something with it. It's crap - knew it was crap - but hoped it was at least good enough to get some feedback. So I sent it out just to *get it away from me* so I could stop thinking about it. Then it DID f**king come back, with feedback, and so now I'm trying to put it into some kind of actually decent shape and this whole thing's taking forever.

Anyway, almost done. And wrote a proposal for a book chapter yesterday and sent that 'cause the deadline's today. And then, maybe I'll finish this other thing, and then maybe maybe maybe get back to work on my dissertation.

I played a bunch of Xbox yesterday. That was... nice?... and then realized there's a YouTube app for the Xbox, so I can watch videos on my giant TV instead of my laptop with the crappy speakers, so turned on some lectures on Marx to fall asleep to. Vive la revolution!

[bkyogagurl]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Since when do you care if some "person" tells you to shut the fuck up????

I love it when you get all fired up and fire back...

Just wanted to say hi!

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Well, the gifts were a hit. The exGF still isn't speaking to me directly, but posted pics of her wearing the masquerade mask and the scarf on FB, and tagged me with a thanks. The exexGF texted to say her "heart is fluttering" that I remembered her. Of course I remember her. Then she also texted pics showing she's cut off and donated most of her hair, and holysweetdamn, does she look HOT in these two pictures with short pixie hair and those eyes, how she's looking right into the camera lens, and I haven't looked into those eyes in far too long. I am trying, trying, trying not to be too flirty with her, or even bother her much, even, since she's way busy with the kids and teaching and work on her grad program she's starting this fall, I believe. Oh, and she's married.

I have been writing, a little, getting some work done in the mornings. Not so much with sticking to the gym very often but doing my bestish. I cleaned off the majority of the corkboard above my desk today, taking down reminders for things I wanted to write - the ones that I've actually finished. And one was a NYTimes article from 2007. It's been up there 7 f**kin' years. Should be proud that I finally wrote that story, and I even like it, but instead crumpling it up and tossing it in the recycle bin felt like a loss, like all changes feel like a loss.

Anyway, whatevs. Hi there right back, BK and everybody. Still hangin' in, still getting tired and out of it as hell in the evenings, still a little weak on the Xbox front, but step by step plodding my way through some things that need to be plodded through. And still, somehow, by Christ's merciful grace not drinking. But oh, oh how lovely a tall frosted bar glass of bourbon would taste. The girl arrives in T-minus 3.5 weeks; I'm all over the Craigslist adds looking longingly at apartments with their own washer and dryer.

[crykzbzo4]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

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[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

StuckinLA;1675129 wrote: Where the f**k did today go? I didn't sleep *that* late, till 10, and wrote for a bit when I got up, but suddenly it was like 3 o'clock. I cleaned out my closet and took a bag of clothes to goodwill, trying to make space for the GFs long visit coming up, and have another couple of boxes of old electronics and things to take for recycling. And I found some kick-ass speakers that I had buried under piles of sh*t in the closet, so I have super-loud music again . But other than that, what the hell? It's after 6 already.

Ugh. Days are flying by and I'm not even f**king drinking. Christ, I want to. Want to go on down to the bar and tie a good one on, sit for three or four hours drinking, then come on back home to my new old loud as f**k speakers and drink whiskey for the rest of the night until passing out probably in a puddle of my own drool. Yeah, not pretty, but that's about the only thing that feels real anymore. My whole life seems to be just memories of being drunk and everything seems to be in the past. Even as I work my nuts off for the future, it doesn't feel like there's any future out there. One of the reasons I agreed to the GFs long visit in the first place: it does not feel like it could possibly be real. This whole past five or six years has no weight behind it. I can bring memories to mind - probably more than I give myself credit for, many, many memories are shockingly clear - but the time itself has no depth to it. Found a letter I wrote to one of my first exGFs 4 years ago, crumpled at the bottom of a stack of Tshirts. Read it, can't remember if I ever wrote it out on another few sheets of paper and mailed it, and I'm talking then about the same goddamned things I talk about now. School, novel, tough time writing, drinking too much, missing her. The only difference was back then I was starting a relationship with a French girl and now a different girl's moving in. The cats are older. I'm older. And that's it.

I'm torn between slash-n-burn, throw every damned scrap of everything in the trash, and holding on so hard to even the smallest thing. Like a cheap Xmas stocking, that means nothing, given to me most likely by the French girl. Why hold onto it? Yet there it goes, into a box of other junk that doesn't get tossed away. Like AA sayings, my favorite of which appears in David Foster Wallace's _Infinite Jest_: "Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it."

F**king hell. Sorry to blow up your thread, Lis. No derail - I just needed to vent for a sec. Oh, and you don't have to put a reason for editing if you don't want to, you can leave that field blank. But it's adorable that you did on that last post.

Hugs all 'round. :l

Eh, I was totally bombing Lis's thread. So I'll just leave this here and go delete it there.

[Lostinspace]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Sorry you're having such a rough time, Stuck. I know all too well what you mean by the past several years seeming to have no "weight" to them, yet still dwelling on the past. I don't have any great advice I'm afraid, but I hope as time goes on you'll come to find some weight and meaning in all that you've accomplished and are still accomplishing. You're quite intelligent and have an academic stamina that most people couldn't muster. I hope as time goes by, things beg

[Lostinspace]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Sh!t - I wasn't done before hitting "post new reply!" Anyway, I hope as time goes by, things start to feel more real for you. I'm sorry if this wasn't at all helpful. Just hang in there. If I knew this forum well enough to give you the "hugs" icon, I would, but I'm still trying to navigate this site, so I'm sending you hugs in spirit. Take care of yourself.

EDIT: Sorry to double post after messing up. I'm never posting from my iPhone again. I can't see what the hell I'm doing!

[Lostinspace]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck. Sorry to triple post, but I finally figured it out and wanted to give you this:l

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Lostinspace;1675432 wrote: Hey Stuck. Sorry to triple post, but I finally figured it out and wanted to give you this:l

You're f**king awesome, Lis. I'm glad you showed up here. Thanks for the encouragement.

MWO's pretty easy once you get the hang of it. Hugs are ":" "l" (lower case L) without a space, the laughing face is : H without a space, and smileys and winks are the standard : or ; and ) . There are a bunch of others you can find if you go to "post reply" button instead of the quick reply field at the bottom of the page. Before you know it you'll be an old pro

:l:l:l

EDIT: oh, and yeah posting on the iPhone is hard as sh*t. I hate posting from my phone. Good thing I'm in front of the computer avoiding work all day, huh?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I grabbed this off of Lostinspace's thread...

StuckinLA;1685998 wrote: What a night, what a morning, what a freakin' day. My depressed alky drinking buddy got dumped by a girl he kinda liked - I'm guessing yesterday, but never did get the details in any sort of coherent manner I could remember - after something like 7 dates and she I guess went back to her abusive ex-fianc?. This is not a problem except in that it means he was drinking most of the day, I think, out in Pasadena (home of the Rose Parade!) and needed consolation and some sort of moral support or somesuch.

So I met him for drinks. He's all over the map, with complaints about school and women and most of it is self-contradictory. Like for example he says he doesn't want an academic job after grad school, then complains that we don't really have the option to teach classes in literature, which would better prepare us for academic jobs. He's right, but I'm like 'dude but you just said you don't want one of those jobs...' I mention that only to say that he's exasperating. And I got really drunk. And he was spilling drinks before I was very drunk at all. And he *really* wanted the girl to come down and... I don't know, help him find a girlfriend? Whatever, he just wanted people around him, I think. I texted her to come down and get his f**king car, since he'd parked in meters and in the early morning it would be a tow zone due to some construction going on, and there was no goddamned way I was going to let him drive last night. The girl was super cool, came down, got his keys, and took the car up toward our place and parked it on the street.

At the end of the night things were a little fuzzy, and he wanted to be at home instead of at my place, and I didn't particularly want him on the couch anyway, so he got on a bus. I went to the liquor store and then home. That kind of night, well I'm putting Jamison in my coffee this morning, let's just say that. The girl's out running errands, I feel like a complete f**kup, and yes by the way I *was* very texty last night and I think I just now tried to pick a fight with my exGF? Oh well. Another day, another day, another day.

Welcome to the party, Dun. I freaking love this thread, and glad to see people here. :l:l

EDIT: And Ne, just ask around. I'm already insufferable! :H
That actually sounds like it's not so fun. It's also a bit worrisome. Especially after this comment from a couple of days earlier:

StuckinLA;1685246 wrote:
Anyway, I did finally check my B/P yesterday morning and, while not actually as high as I kind of expected, it is definitely time to give this sh*t a rest - just not sure if I'm able, to be honest.

I'm not calling you out or in any way intending this to be negative, Stuck. I'm worried. It sounds to me like you might be on a bender. Are you on a bender? I don't have to tell you that bad things happen to people on benders. And so I worry. I'll mind my own business as well as I can, if you just tell me to do it.

But what I'd really like to know is whether or not there is something we, or I, can do to help because it doesn't sound like you're in a good place.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Well I'm not buying jugs of vodka, but yes I am on a bender. I woke up at just after 6 this morning after drinking all day and night yesterday. That's not a great feeling, waking up, and I was soaked in sweat and not sure if that's because I was under the comforter or, more likely, because of the booze. It was just... icky. So I got up and sat outside and read some emails and mwo and smoked. You are absolutely right to call me out, Ne, and I'd probably be pissed or resentful if it was anyone but you.

I was really hoping to not have to face facts head on. You know, I'm sort of functioning, barely. Had sex twice yesterday, and went for a long walk, and hung out at the bar and picked up pizza for us for dinner. But that isn't *really* functioning. And I can't deal with waking up early in the mornings scared for very long. I know that from past experience. So I got dressed in workout clothes and went for a light jog (mostly walking) and just got back. About 2 1/2 miles in the sun. Well, if you're going to be sweating anyway, may as well be for a reason, right?

I ran across an article yesterday that really caught my attention. I'll post the link soon, but the gist of it is that one way to quit smoking is to connect individual cigarettes with the abstraction of smoking. To do this you start by recording - obsessively - each cigarette you smoke during the day. Don't change any habits at first, just record them. The next step is a little trickier to explain and I'll just wait to post the article. But I ran across this idea before, in Infinite Jest. The father of one of the main characters, if I'm remembering correctly, writes down every drink he takes. It's a really negative portrayal of this abusive alcoholic asshole, and a joke that bureaucratic record keeping might equal control. Turns out it may actually be the first step, though. Anyway, so since I've got more tiny notebooks than I know what to do with (go figure), I'm starting today to write down every cigarette. Making a pact with myself to do this for a month before trying to change any habits.

Guess that's neither here nor there, but whatevs. Thank you for digging up the thread and checking in. I'm not in a wonderful place, no. Though I am hanging on.

EDIT to add link: If you’re so smart, why aren’t you happy? | OUPblog

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Thanks for responding, Stuck.

A quick note: Because of you I got on a kick and bought a bunch of Mole (?) notebooks. I have no idea why, except that you mentioned them somewhere? (I'm very surprised I don't own a pencil roll up thingy.) So hm. That's a thought. Except I don't keep track of anything very well. But maybe?

And because of you, and because it's a splendiferous day here, I'm going to crate the dog and go on a bike ride. xx