Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

That is a big, fat, honkin' lie I wrote. And I don't want to lie to you. There is no way in hell I'm getting any exercise today.

Imitation being the sincerest form of flattery, let's call it wanna-be-imitation based on sincere admiration. I'm so impressed and glad that you got up and did something productive and healthy.

Much as I'd love to quit smoking, I'm really focused on trying to get healthy in other ways. Cigs give feel-good chemicals, and I need to feel good in the short run so I can feel good in the long run. That's my take on it, anyway. Maybe it's backwards?

I'm not smoking in the house anymore, either. I don't mind telling you that it sucks. I actually regret encouraging Ed to take Chantix, since it worked for him and not for me. (I was not compliant. dammit.) Isn't that a horrible thing to feel? But it is what it is, and he's repulsed by the smell so I smoke outside, too.

Actually, my addiction to cigs is one of the things that clarifies for me how it was to be alcoholic. I will not give them up for love or money. (Literally.) I figure that's how Ed is feeling about booze right now. And maybe you, too. I hate addiction. It sucks for everyone.

:l from afar.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

No worries, Ne. And hell, I felt like such a fraud this morning in my workout clothes and with my earbuds in and marching along a trail and occasionally jogging past people out being active and exercising. It was NOT for any health or motivation related reasons that I was up and out at 7 this morning. It was fear, plain and simple. Fear and restlessness and the absolute need to be out of the house and moving. Trying to get away from myself.

The day has crawled by, but improved somewhat. The girl made breakfast and I managed to eat it, I did laundry and took out all the garbage and drove over to care for a friend's cat while he's out of town. Now I'm just holed up in my room with the a/c on and reading. But at least I'm reading! No writing today but I'm getting through some books for the diss chapter that I should be writing.

Well, more soon I'm sure, as I'm checking mwo like constantly. :l:l:l across the continent.

[Lostinspace]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

I'm sorry to hear that your early morning jog/walk was coming from a place of fear and needing to escape yourself. But, that does not make you a fraud. You did, after all, do something good for yourself. And as a smoker no less! I'm impressed. If I do anything more than run across the street before the light turns green, my lungs start to feel like they're going to explode.

Anyway, I'm glad the day is getting better for you. Just wanted to stop by real quick and give you some :l :l :l before my family does our dinner thing.

[spiritwolf333]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hi Stuck -tell me to take a flying leap to hell after you read this (or not -does not matter).

This alcoholism machine is hell -as many of us already know, and of course, you do know. What I find remarkable about you is the fact that you seem to be an 'honest' drunk/addict. I don't think that you hide the fact you are 'out of your normal mind' when you post anything. I am glad that you at least have the guts to tell on yourself -I never did.

Stuck, this crap of people out running at 7:00 am for health purposes -what the hell is wrong with them? Seriously, I have done exactly the same thing as you have described and wondered during my entire "fast walk", what? Why do they even look half way happy -I only assumed they had to be a bunch wanta be -live for ever -blind people. I felt fake as hell also and I accused them of the same thing. I just thought this passage of yours was funny as hell when I read it.

You know Stuck, what is so damn crazy is the fact that the amount of pain that you are now experiencing will not result in a diminished thought that alcohol will not be ok -"next time", whenever that might be. At least, this has always been my experience. For this one reason alone, we must ALL continue to try and find answers to defeat the beast.

Stuck, in your honesty, you mentioned in your post the word "FEAR" several times. It does not matter to the "real" alcoholic whether this fear I "REAL" or not -it exists in the mind and that is all that matters. My ONLY solution -at one time- to fear was to drink. You just now reminded me of this one fact.

Stuck, as incredibly smart as you are, I just hope you don't end up trying to outsmart alcohol. I continually think that I can -but I do know that I never will. It is more powerful than my brain will ever be.

Peace to Ya Stuck

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Fear and stress are excellent motivators. There's some sort of study about this somewhere that I read recently. But it's not as if we needed one. Plus, who the hell knows which page of Reddit I found it on.

I'm pretty sure that I started walking because I couldn't stand the sight of my husband and I couldn't watch tv and I couldn't be in my own skin. I was also usually drunk for the evening walks, for the record. Talk about fraud! :H It was a terrible time, honestly. Good music helped.

Ed's off today and I'm determined to do something fun together. There's a 4-story, 100+ foot water slide nearby that goes straight into the ocean. I think I'll grab the groupon and pray that it's not overrun and overwhelming. That doesn't bode well for poor puppy, who will spend her first day in the crate, but hopefully the rest of her life will make up for it.

Hope it's a good one for you, too.

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

spiritwolf333;1686378 wrote: Hi Stuck -tell me to take a flying leap to hell

Not at all. You're talking sense here, friend, and it's greatly appreciated. I *have* been thinking I can outsmart alcohol. There were some fun times, and some not so fun times recently, and nothing disastrous has happened in the short term. But in the long term, as day by day piles up, of hangovers and dollars thrown away and writing that doesn't get done? The slow accretion of organ damage that comes with high blood pressure? These are things I lost sight of.

I kept thinking I'd just try to be a little more active. Have a lot of sex and flood my brain with good chemicals, and maybe things would turn out OK. That was not exactly correct. And it does help to have people to check you now and again.

[Lostinspace]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Stuck - I'm not really sure what to say, as I'm not quite the greatest source of wisdom yet when it comes to sober living, or with overcoming the mind games we tend to play in convincing ourselves that things are still going great. I just want you want to you know that I'm here for you in whatever way I can be. Hang in there my friend. :l :l :l

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

You guys are swell. Really.

I am hanging in there. A little jittery and a lot restless, but eating and drinking lots of water and for the most part keeping occupied. Not sure with what, but occupied nonetheless. Anyway, glad to hear everybody's doing more or less all right. Not trying to be coy or evasive or anything, just not a whole lot to say about much at the moment. Enjoy your day off tomorrow, Lis. :l

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

StuckinLA;1687042 wrote: just not a whole lot to say about much at the moment.

That's not entirely true. I can say that, having been recording each cigarette I smoke now for the last 3 days, I am smoking WAY less than I thought I was. Granted, it is hotter than Satan's undergarments here, and going outside for each cigarette is unpleasant. Even driving - where we all love to smoke - sucks nuts since my car doesn't have A/C. There has been once or twice that I wrote down a cigarette in preparation for lighting up once I'm in the car, then simply forgotten to take one out and light it on my way to wherever I was going. That being said, I am not consciously trying to cut back or alter my behavior in any way, other than to write down the time of each smoke. Though I am making an effort to sit out on the steps in front of my apartment with good posture - yes, things have come to such a pass that even attempting to maintain straight posture feels like an exercise. Not even exercises for improving posture, just the simple act of sitting up straight. God, I am out of shape (literally - slouching :H).

Anyway I'm smoking between about 1/2 and 3/4 a pack. Yesterday I smoked a grand total of 12 cigarettes. That's insane. Like practically none at all. I am used to being a pack to pack and a half at least a day. And, like I said, making no conscious effort whatsoever to moderate or deny myself all the cigarettes I feel like having.

The other thing I can say for sure is that Army Airborne cadences are unequivocally better to run to than Marine Corps cadences. I'd forgotten about that - good thing I mixed up my iPod playlist last night. Was sitting around the apartment, the girl was playing XBox, and I'd said maybe we could go for a walk in a little bit. A little bit stretched on and on, and I didn't really feel like a walk and didn't want to keep her from playing as long as she wanted, but then I started getting antsy and needed to get out, so I grabbed my gym clothes and got dressed. She shut off the TV and I'm not sure if we had an awkward moment or not, that I was going outside without her.

Anyway I jogged about 2 1/2 miles (don't let me kid you, there's a lot of walking and a lot of hills in my neighborhood, and I'm only doing like 15 minute miles on average, it's pathetic). She had her electric keyboard out and was playing sheet music when I got back, and we went to bed. I feel almost as bad putting her through my first AF days as I do putting her through my drinking. At least drunk I have lots of sex with her.

Hope we're all having a good one out there in the world today. I'm trying to avoid MWO a little, only because I'm trying to write elsewhere (dissertation), so apologies for not making the rounds to other threads (this means you, Ne, and you, Lis ). :l:l

[Lostinspace]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Hey Stuck! Two and a half miles is pretty damn impressive for someone who hasn't been working out regularly - even if there was some walking mixed in and it was at a slower pace than you used to do. Sounds like you're in better shape than you give yourself credit for.

And don't feel bad about "putting her through" your first few AF days. I doubt you're putting her through anything. As you had told me (and I found to be true by the end of this weekend, from some things that some of my family members said to me), people really don't notice other people's behavior all too much unless they're really out of line. She can't see the restlessness and discomfort going on in your mind right now. Just have faith that things will start to settle down for you soon.

Good luck working on your dissertation. I hope you have a great day/night! :l :l

[StuckinLA]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDfJRFxBdFYhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDfJRFxBdFY

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Totally new to forum, sort of new to bac

Goooood morning, Stuck!

I have a moment's respite from pestering puppy. Just in case she moves on from my slipper to my feet, let me start out with a hug and a smile to start your day. :l and

(There is a Darwinian reason that puppies are so cute. They are a total pain in the foot and wouldn't live long if they weren't adorable. She's driving me batty. But she is absolutely adorable, even as she's sinking her teeth into my toe.)

That is really, really cool about the cigarettes. I think I'll try that this weekend while I'm away. It'll be much easier to keep track, since I have to sort of plan each smoke ahead of time. A lot of my cigarettes are mindless--I'll sit with the laptop and find that I must have been chain smoking even though I wasn't aware of it. I know you know!

alright. The beast has disappeared and is abnormally quiet. That's very dangerous! I gotta go!

xx