An introduction

[Ne/Neva Eva]

An introduction

Oh, and time is the mitigating factor. The first time I got drunk after I hit a switch, I was convinced I had undone everything I'd worked for. That wasn't the case. It was hellish, but it didn't undo what had been done. Hang in there.

[jaddyday]

An introduction

Hi

I'm doing okay now thanks. I felt bloody awful after drinking particularly because I couldn't get into my house to recover in my own space. Fortunately a friend put me up but there's nothing quite like being at home when you feel crap! Luckily I didn't really have any withdrawal symptoms from the Bac. I was only on a 120mg/day dose though so that was probably my saving grace. I went back on Bac at 90mg/day and am now back to 120mg/day so I'm a bit behind where I should have been by now but I suppose these things happen.

As far as the arrest goes, I won't go into details but it wasn't anything serious. They haven't decided whether to charge me yet but if they do it will probably only result in a fine or a bit of probation given the alcohol related nature. Nothing I can't deal with.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

An introduction

Whew. I'm so glad. That you're okay and that it wasn't too serious. But the "Nothing I can't deal with" part makes me grin a little bit. It is bloody amazing the things we have to deal with when we're in the grips of the beast. My husband and I marvel at the crap that was part of our daily lives...Egad.

Rest assured the nasty b*tch is on her way out. (Or maybe yours is a boy. Whatever. :H) Then when you screw up it'll be your own fault. ***
But whatever it is, it's unlikely to result in an arrest...Fine, probation or jail! Ya' know?

Glad you're bac on track.

***This is meant as a bit of a joke. I feel like I don't have any excuses anymore! It's just me... Which is not to say I don't take responsibility for the things the old me did. Oh, geez. You know what I mean. Right??? aaargh. And I hope it's okay that I'm poking a bit of fun. If not...sorry! Really! I like drunk, I mean dark, humor, but not at anyone's expense. now I'm making a mountain out of a molehill aren't I? Hope it's a good day for you.

[jaddyday]

An introduction

Hi,

Don't worry about poking fun I'm not easily offended! I have to look back on the utter ridiculousness of my life and the things that I have done and laugh otherwise I'd have thrown myself off a bridge a long time ago!

It's true that we do have to deal with an awful lot of crap as a result of our addiction(s). When I finally accepted that I had a problem and made my first attempt at recovery about five years ago I was consumed by guilt and shame over the things that my drinking had caused me to do. However, now that I have a proper understanding of addiction I have been able to put these unhelpful emotions to bed. I am no saint but I am a pretty decent chap. My addictions cause me to behave in an unpleasant manner. I am taking responsibility by doing everything in my power to get well. Anyone who wants to judge me can frankly get f**ked!

Sorry, got a bit serious there!

[AmyC]

An introduction

Hi Jaddyday. Im right there with ya. I dont think there is anyone out there that has had to deal with alcohol addiction that can say that they havent done shameful and embarassing things and anyone who says they havent isnt being honest. Granted there are some different levels or degrees of how humiliating and rediculous the behaviors have been for each individual. I have to laugh at some of the things Ive done as well because there is nothing we can do to change the past, only what we do in the future. Just by being here you are acknowledging the problem and showing you want to make changes. I commend everyone who is making the effort for a better life!!! Whoo Hoo!!!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

An introduction

jaddyday;1335741 wrote: Hi,

Don't worry about poking fun I'm not easily offended! I have to look back on the utter ridiculousness of my life and the things that I have done and laugh otherwise I'd have thrown myself off a bridge a long time ago!

It's true that we do have to deal with an awful lot of crap as a result of our addiction(s). When I finally accepted that I had a problem and made my first attempt at recovery about five years ago I was consumed by guilt and shame over the things that my drinking had caused me to do. However, now that I have a proper understanding of addiction I have been able to put these unhelpful emotions to bed. I am no saint but I am a pretty decent chap. My addictions cause me to behave in an unpleasant manner. I am taking responsibility by doing everything in my power to get well. Anyone who wants to judge me can frankly get f**ked!

Sorry, got a bit serious there!

Glad you're not easily offended! holy cow I used to take everything so personally that I was one of the walking wounded 'round here. Hurt feelings suck.

As does blaming oneself for having a disease. Doesn't sound like you need to read it, but I posted some stuff on a different thread about the fact that it's a disease, this brain dysfunction we suffer from. I had a very similar experience, though much longer. (First trip/fall into trying to get sober was in the early 90s! feck I'm old.)
It was from reading links posted here, and talking/writing/chatting with people from MWO that I realized that it's all water under the bridge. I have had only a few moments of the regret/remorse that so plagued me over the last 20 years.

In fact, ironically or stupidly, I found myself acting out and being less "morally upstanding" after I got sober with baclofen. I tried for almost two decades to take the moral high ground because I thought it was my lack of morals or some inferior judgement or something that kept me a sick drunk. When I took medicine, and got better simply because I took the pills, my thought was, "Well, fuck it. I want MINE now." I bought things, used them and returned them. I lied to my employer. (Not that I didn't lie when I told her that I had the flu several times a year, so I could recover from something much worse...But you get my drift.)

I've since moved on from that ridiculous rebellion. It DID feel good though.

I would add this caveat to the whole thing: There are some people, who because they don't know or can't understand, don't understand that I am an entirely different person now. I do what I say I'm going to do, go where I am supposed to go, keep my promises, and can even talk on the phone after 7pm!!! (The latter being the most immediately profound change, you know?) I can't fault them for not trusting me, but I have little room for their judgement or their lack of trust. It's a hard balance and one I am thankful I have help finding. Because it really pisses me off. But I love them, and they me. Time...It IS the great equalizer. I hope there is enough of it to balance out the 25 years from the first 40. If I quit smoking this will be very likely! And stop speeding. I am a menace, still, behind the wheel. 3 tickets since I got sober. I am always in a hurry, trying to squish everything into the time I have remaining. And, well, f*ck 'em. However, they may take my license...Funny that I may lose it sober when I never got close to that drunk. (Thank all that matters.)

Wow. Sorry for the tome!
Carry on! (How's the bac?)

[spacebebe01]

An introduction

I am finding myself to be far more intolerant of others now Im sober, in my mums today I could quite easily have picked something up and smashed my daughters bf around the head with it a good few times I know he can be an annoying little prick but because I always felt so guilty and wrong when I was drinking heavily I assumed everyone else must be ok and I was always to blame. So being able to start standing up for myself because Im sober doesnt always seem to make me into a nice person.

[AmyC]

An introduction

Hi Space. for me its the total opposite. When I was drinking I had no patience or tolerance for others and everything they did that I felt was complete stupid I rubbed me the wrong way. I wasn't able to take myself out of my own head and see the point of view of others. Its only now that I'm not drinking that I am able to handle myself in a more patient and less selfish manner. One thing I've learned about myself is that alcohol can make everything about me and nothing about the other person and I only pretended to show interest or concern so as not to look unsympathetic or uncaring. How awful is that!!!! The good thing is that I'm starting to feel those real feelings again for others now that I'm not drinking.

Ne. I can relate to what your saying about being a different person now. Even after my short time AF because my life schedule doesn't revolve around my drinking schedule anymore. Im there when I say I will be Im becoming more social and open to things outside of the "drinking box". Its crazy to think that anything that deviated from my drinking schedule was a complete inconvenience and those who expected me to be there were just being selfish with my time. WOW!!!!! Alcohol really screws with the mind big time. Im so grateful I made the choice to change. The thought of living the rest of my life like that is such a waste and really depressing.

[jaddyday]

An introduction

Hi Guys,

Well it's been a couple of weeks since my rather eventful two day bender and I'm glad to say that things are back to 'normal'. The police are not laying any charges and I'm back on track with Baclofen. I'm now on 150mg/day, experiencing no side effects (other than mild insomnia) and my cravings remain greatly reduced.

Due to the horrendous hangovers on Bac and the fact that I haven't yet reached my switch, I'm trying to lay of the booze. However, this has the effect of depriving me of a social life which I find very hard to deal with. It's not just about alcohol - sitting at home downing a few bottles of wine holds no appeal for me whatsoever but I do want a night out! When I expressed this during my two years of 'enforced abstinence' in AA meetings I was just given the usual dogmatic chanting of "you're in denial, stinkin' thinkin', get to a meeting, get a sponsor, read the big book bla bla bla". Fortunately I've closed the door on that chapter of my journey. It's not so bad this time round because I'm working on a REAL solution which will hopefully free me from bondage once and for all. Has anyone else experience this problem whilst trying to lay off the booze?

Anyway I'm just rambling now and needed to vent! How's everyone else getting on?

Justin

[Ne/Neva Eva]

An introduction

I'm well, J, and hope you are too!

By the time I found bac I was a stay-at-home drinker, so no, I can't really relate.

One of the most amazing things about bac (for me) is that I can now go to a bar/dinner/drinkfest and really, honestly and truly not care whether or not I drink. So, yes. There is the promise of that, if your experience is like mine (and many others here.)
That coupled with the brutal bac hangover, and the fact that booze doesn't make me feel tingly and fulfilled in some fundamental way, means that I can go and do whatever I want and alcohol is irrelevant. (How effing outrageously incredible is that??? I still find it hard to believe, even though I don't even remember what it was like to care.) (wow.)

I am no 12 step apologist, but I learned a lot of useful tools from my years in and out of the program(s). The tools came in very handy. (The dogma came in very wanting. But that's a different thread for a different time.)

so. Pick a tool! Distraction? Redirection? Knitting? Paint by numbers? You could work on your karma by walking around your neighborhood picking up litter. (I kid you not, I was so desperate and so convinced I was baaaad and my karma--and not the disease of addiction--was kicking my ass, that I once did this. ) What're you going to do? Learn Chinese! That should fill up some time. :H

Alrighty, I'm done. I also, once, hung up windchimes on the east side of my house. They had to be metal. That was an attempt to feng shui my addiction away! :H
It took me more time and effort than I care to recount here to figure out where the east side of my house was. (yes, yes...I know. Where the sun rises. But it wasn't that simple for reasons I cannot remember.)

Didn't work.

Bac does, though! Glad to hear from you.

[StuckinLA]

An introduction

I actually liked AA for a while, because it was around people. Of course, I didn't talk to anyone, share anything ever, or get a sponsor or work the steps. But it did get me out of the house, and I'm a bit of a shut-in sometimes. So just knowing I had somewhere to be was enough of a "social" life for me.

It's of course not the same. I felt awesome at 150--too awesome, actually. I'd been sober for 2 months and just generally feeling great, so went and had a honeymoon with booze. I'm still having a lot of booze issues, but I will say this: with the reduced cravings I find going to the bar for a few club sodas is a pretty good deal. I'm going to talk with the bartenders, not friends who might give me a hard time, but even so it was only weird for a few days and they got used to me not drinking, or not drinking as much. If anything, the one I have a crush on actually started talking with me a lot now that I'm not a drunken mess.

So, please don't think I'm trying to send someone who's trying to avoid booze to the bar. That would be dumb, and really evil of me. I'm just saying see how you feel. I've had friends (years ago, well before bac) who thought going to the bar for an O'Doule's really took the edge off.

[COSGringo]

An introduction

My prob with AA is there was no one I could relate to.
I was a professional drinker. No DUIS, not lost kids, no jail time, there were some serious things in there and all it did was bring me down. I went to other AA's, same deal. All hardened with years of smoking and jail tats. Found one with more docs than anything pissed off they can't practice anymore.

I got more tickets in the last 2 weeks than I did when I was sober. I can't afford my car now. May have to get rid of the tuned race machine for a Yugo.

[jaddyday]

An introduction

Hi guys,

Well I seem to have developed a new side effect. I'm constantly feeling 'bunged-up' like I have a cold but without actually feeling ill. It's listed as a fairly common side effect in Phillips Thomas' Baclofen guide so I'm fairly sure it's Bac related. In addition, the somnolence persists and I can never manage to sleep for more than four or five hours per night yet I keep falling asleep during the day. I even fell asleep briefly at my uncle's funeral last week - although that may have had more to do with a rather lengthy and nonsensical sermon! Anyway, these side effects are far better than the incessant cravings which they prevent so I will not complain!

A couple of other things that have happened this week:

I have a friend who has been suffering from various addictions amongst other things for most of his life. He's been struggling to recover for twenty-five years with very limited success but has thus far refused to look at anything other than 12-step-ism. Whatever your view on these organisations (I've probably made mine clear enough!) I would suggest that if it's failed to work in a quarter of a century it probably isn't going to! Finally, this week, after a fairly forthright email from me he has started looking into his options. I've pointed him in the direction of these forums and will be taking a copy of Dr. Ameisen's book up to him when I visit next weekend. Fingers crossed!

There was also an article on yahoo about a guy of 28 who has died from alcoholism. It was very poignant for me, not least because I am 29 now and that knowledge of Baclofen's efficacy has been around long enough to have potentially saved him. However, what made me really angry were the comments that people posted. All, almost without exception displayed an alarming degree of ignorance although most were largely sympathetic. However, a great many were completely malicious stating things like "he deserved to die" and "good riddance". Though ignorance is just about understandable (increasingly less so with pretty much universal internet access) these evil comments have made me very angry.

In the future people will look back with abhorrence at the way people with addictions are treated now in the same way that we are now appalled by the treatment of psychiatric patients in the not too distant past.

Anyway, rant over! Hope everyone is well.

Justin

[spacebebe01]

An introduction

Hi Justin, you sound very well, its not surprising that with only a few hours sleep of a night you would be falling asleep of a day bac or no bac. Im glad you have managed to get your friend to at least look at alternatives, I do hope he will take you up on you offer of help.

The ignorance of addiction is awful, even now among professionals it is just so bad, the amount of times I have been told not to drink and to think of my kids and my health, they just dont get that its not a choice, we all know that stuff but drink anyway.

:l

[COSGringo]

An introduction

Hey Justin.
I used to get the sinus thing. It is normal.
Some things you can do- try some diphenhydramine (aka Benadryl) that will help you sleep and your sinuses a bit. You can also get those little strips that go on your nose. They help you breathe. It will eventually pass.

29 is young. My cousin died recently at 40 and a friend of mine a few weeks ago at 45. It can happen.
28 you should be fine just keep up the good work. My health started going down in around 40.