An introduction

[jaddyday]

Hi Everyone,

I?ve been reading the posts on this forum for a while now so I thought it was about time that I introduced myself. My name is Justin; I?m a 29 year old man and live in Hampshire, England. I?ve been drinking regularly and heavily since my mid-teens and alcohol has had a negative effect on my life ever since, devastatingly so for the last eight years. I am also a regular cocaine user.

My first foray into the world of recovery began about five years ago after a serious drink-driving incident and the threat of a custodial sentence finally forced me to confront my issues with alcohol. I freely admitted to being an alcoholic without having any idea what the word actually meant. I simply thought that I would be able to stop drinking and sort my life out. After all, I have a very strong will and when I decide to do something I do it. How wrong I was.

Whilst I tried and failed to maintain abstinence, I started to attend occasional AA meetings. As an archetypal Englishman I find expressing my emotions very difficult - even more so in a group setting. I am also an atheist and an individualist with a huge ego. Those of you who attend AA will no doubt see the problem with this combination!

After 18 months or so of continual relapse I reached a point of such despair that I was finally ready to accept some help. I checked myself into rehab for 28 days and came out feeling healthier, happier and ready to start rebuilding my wreckage of a life. They had even managed to sell me on the merits of AA!

For the next two years I managed to stay completely clean and sober, rebuild my relationships and set myself back up in business. To the outside world everything seemed to be going well but it was hell. I discovered that enforced abstinence can be just as debilitating as active addiction. As the months went by my craving for alcohol increased steadily until it pervaded my every waking moment until just over a year ago I started drinking again.

For the first six months or so everything seemed to be going well. I was drinking heavily but managed to stay in control to some extent. I was still managing to work and I had a fantastic social life ? something I had missed enormously during my two years of abstinence. However, this did not last. My drinking and cocaine use quickly started to take over again and for the last few months I have lived in a permanently alcohol and drug induced hell.

Having read Dr. Ameisen?s book and researched the use of Baclofen extensively online I decided to give it a try. Unfortunately neither my GP nor my psychiatrist was prepared to proscribe baclofen for me and so I ordered it online. I started today with 10mg three times a day and plan to titrate up following the model and advise given in Dr. Phillip Thomas? book ?The B4a Baclofen Handbook? although I realise that I will have to alter this to take into account how I react to the medication.

Anyway, that?s me! I hope I haven?t rambled on for too long. All advice and wisdom gratefully received.

Justin.

[Venom]

An introduction

Justin,

I'm also new here and I am a 29 year old guy from Florida, USA. I have been prescribed Librium for anxiety issues that developed after my fiancee and I parted ways in a very bad manner. She relapsed, went to rehab, ditched rehab to travel 3 states to get heroin and ended up getting pregnant and naming the baby after a heavy metal band. I found her overdosed in my bathtub and I guess I had a little bit of PTSD after finding her laying almost drowned after taking GHB, alcohol, and some pills. I chain-smoked until I got bronchitis and then finally went to my general practitioner and along came Librium.

I became quite disconnected and grew tired of dealing with life on life's terms. I suppose that the genetic component of alcoholism was expressed after being ignited by a traumatic event and I found that the constant need for GABAergic agonism grew stronger as each day passed.

I had a hard time accepting that my addiction was parallel to everyone else's. We're in the same boat and we have to help each other stay afloat or we will all sink. I have been to rehab for crystal meth for 35 days and it took me until day 15 to actually be able to keep my eyes open in group therapy. It sucked because for 2 weeks, I was pretty much tuned out to the program and felt that I needed to enroll in the extended care for an additional 90 days. I finally spoke up in group therapy other than saying, "pass," and I had a lot of rage that was penned up. I was in rehab in New Jersey and EVERYONE else was there for alcohol or opiates, with the exception of a few people for crack, one person for marijuana, and two people for benzos. I got angry and raised the volume of my voice and stated, "I'm not like any of you! You guys can't handle reality! All you do is talk about tuning life out and shooting up or passing out with liquor! I used meth to tune myself in and deal with my problems!" I had a breakdown and just came to a realization that everyone was just as angry as me. We were all tuning in, turning off, and dropping out. We were all together in rehab, weren't we? I connected the dots. There was something's about the world and about our live's that we felt we needed something more to deal with it or not deal with it.

Here I am at age 29 and I have begun doing something that I really have never done before. I want to be myself and I don't give a rat's ass what people think about the real me, because though I am different and quite quirky, I strive for honesty, openness, and truth. I am in a very unstable living environment and I know that any moment I can lose my place. I am grateful to have a roof over my head and to have someone who helps feed me in the meantime and provides me with the internet and a ride to the gym, etc. However, I am struggling with Librium withdrawal and I am repeating the serenity prayer over and over throughout the hours and have the song 'Lightbringer, by Covenant' on repeat for about the past 17 hours. I have become a patient man, that even when my blood pressure is so high that I wonder if the minor sharp pains in my chest are just indigestion or something else. I wonder if when I glance down at the keyboard and see a red mirror image of my hands, am I going to get worse and start getting cookoo for Cocoa Puffs? I am reallly a quite lucid person, but I am aware that there is a threshold and I have fallen off the edge before (moderately) and years ago was convinced that I should just collect unemployment and become a masked vigilante like Rorschach and start picking off criminals in my crime-ridden city.

I have come inches away from complete lucidity after a spiritual awakening and I will not go back to ingesting mind altering substances. I don't care about using a low dose of Carbatrol (helps upregulate GABA receptors and modulate voltage gates) and low dose clonidine hcl for blood pressure spikes. I also don't mind utilizing baclofen temporarily for the ease of withdrawals, but I'm not going back on psychotropics. I don't care. I can have a grand mal seizure and hopefully they let me just ascend to wherever else I belong, I just am tired of using. I am rambling a little, but that's me and I am not trying to steal your thread.

I don't have advice for baclofen for just alcoholism from a first person POV, but I assume that it's better for alcohol than for benzo withdrawal. I am having to not only deal with emotions again, but I am reading up on derealisation and depersonalization for starters and it's quite a challenge. I am really fighting, but in my mind it is war. I have my mindset on a peace treaty, but I am my own prisoner of war. I can say that baclofen helps out with anxiety to a degree, it helps relax the muscles, it helps keep me a bit more grounded, and it helps ME with mood. Though as I said, I don't have as much of a problem with asserting myself properly and I don't have much of a problem with dealing with frustration.

I find myself able to focus better and pass time in a productive manner when helping someone else, so if you need help with anything related to psychotropics, please feel free to ask. I consider myself an expert on the subject and have plenty of education and experience with most classes of drugs from A-Z, so please do me a favor and ask away. As a matter of fact, writing this tired me out enough to where I think I can take a nap. I went to sleep last night and had wake induced lucid dreams and then after sleeping for 3 hours, I pondered the brain chemistry of the last 3 presidents of the USA.

Here's the second exerpt of my blogging:

W.I.L.D. N.I.G.H.T (Wake induced lucid dreams, non-intentional gabaergic haphazard transmission) part 2:

I could not fall back asleep so I pondered the chemical imbalances and such of our recent president(s) as from what I could tell from the media coverage of their personalities. I wrote down my notes at 5am.

George W- Excess glutamate and levo-amphetamines, lack of GABA, excess serotonergic re-uptake
(It's not a surprise that he drowned his failures with alcohol. In doing so he skewed his brain chemistry in favor of the excitatory neurotransmitters. To compensate for his new-found anxiety, he probably sought refuge with an early generation SSRI. This would make up for his false disconnect with the traumatic events that were occuring with the war that he is viewed as being the main aggressor.)
Bill Clinton - Excess dopamine D2,D3,D4 receptors, high/normal Nor-Epinephrine
(This would explain the fact that president Clinton needed very little sleep, was very assertive, and was very quick to respond during a time of crisis. This hormonal profile would also explain the sexually compulsive behavior that can be attributed to those who are also given pramiplexol therapy for Parkinson's Disease.)
Barack Obama - Supraphysiological acetylcholine transmission, well-balanced 5HT, NE, DA levels
(At the very least, Barack's ability to deliver great speeches can be attributed to higher than normal levels of acetylcholine, which enable the hemisphere's of the brain to communicate more effectlively with one another. The would attribute to the way he structures his speeches as far as his ability to recap/summarize everything he stated at the end in a timely and understandable manner. I would attribute his 'down-to-earth' behavior to a very well balanced neurotransmitter profile of seratonin, nor-epinephrine, and dopamine.)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

An introduction

Hiya, JD and welcome!
I'm afraid it's late (by my standards) on the U.S. east coast and I'm wiped out, but I wanted to say a quick hello. There's lots of good info here about baclofen and alcoholism. It was my way out!

Hope it's a good morning for you, I'll be back in mine!

[windycitylady]

An introduction

Hey Justin! Your story's very interesting. I'm glad that you found baclofen and MWO. I don't think I'd be sober without both in my life. Please keep us updated on your progress!
Wishing you the best!

[jaddyday]

An introduction

Hi guys, thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm on day five of 30mg/day and planning to go up to 60mg/day tomorrow. Thus far the only side effect I have experienced is somnolence although I'm sure others will appear as I titrate up. I'm 10 days AF now and I'm not climbing up the wall which I usually am after about five days. The cravings are still there but they are manageable. Could the be the medication starting to work or is it more likely to be a placebo effect?

[spacebebe01]

An introduction

Hi jay, WOW fantastic, 10 days AF! please keep posting and talking on here, I love to read others peoples stories. I can totally relate to the misery of abstinence and going to AA, and also of course the hell of things spiralling out of control into hell when we start again.

I dont really know about drugs Venom, I have taken most of them but never really had a problem, drink has always been my problem. I did have an awful time with crack around 17 years ago, I couldnt believe it, I just seemed to become addicted within days, I was selling my mums jewelry and doing all kinds of stuff I would never have done and when I stopped my mind was in such a mess the cravings were horrendous and the whole episode probably only lasted weeks!! I was taking a fair bit of cocaine until around 8 years ago but could see that a lot of the problems was my lifestlye surrounding the cocaine and made a decision to stop hanging around with the people who where hurting and using me. But then I was still drinking on a daily basis so I just started staying in drinking instead.

I dont know why I went into all that and if its at all relevent but then someone could read it and get something from it.

[jaddyday]

An introduction

Hi Guys,

I'm now on day 16 AF, on my last day of 60mg/day and going up to 90mg/day tomorrow. Somnolence is the only side effect I have experienced and even then to no great degree. Cravings are still there but greatly reduced. So far so good!

[Greg]

An introduction

jaddyday;1326015 wrote: Hi Guys,

I'm now on day 16 AF, on my last day of 60mg/day and going up to 90mg/day tomorrow. Somnolence is the only side effect I have experienced and even then to no great degree. Cravings are still there but greatly reduced. So far so good!

Hi, I just want to wish you well, and am glad to hear things are going well so far. I have had periods off alcohol but have experienced the intensifying cravings and discomfort while sober that you spoke of. Congratulations on being 16 days without alcohol, hopefully the cravings won't hit you in the same way now that you're taking baclofen.

[LibraryGirl]

An introduction

Welcome Jaddy and Venom.:welcome: It's so interesting to meet people from all walks of life on here. I wish both of you much success in becoming AF and NF, if that is your goal(s). I quit the nightly drinking in Feb., after 10+ years of doing so. I don't think I have been this long since my teens without getting drunk. I have had a few occasions where I drank moderately since Feb., but nothing in the past 19 days. I know that it can be done, from experience.

Venom, I used cocaine fairly often at one time. I quit pretty easily, however, as I didn't like the after-effects (depression mainly, worse than any hangover I've ever had), but like spacebebe, I still drank loads and thought that was "ok". Ha! I've also tried acid a couple of times, but hated the out of control feeling and wasn't tempted to EVER try hallucinogens again. In high school and college I smoked pot almost daily, but quit that without even trying and not tempted in the least anymore (although it's always available as my bf smokes it daily).

Not sure where I'm going with this, lol. I think I've had too much coffee. As for bacloven, or any other meds I've not taken any, so no advice there. I was interested in topa in the beginning but I confess only b/c I thought it might help me lose weight. After I heard about the side effects, I decided that would be pretty stupid (for weight loss alone).

Anyway, enough about me! The best advice I can give is to stick close to these boards. I would not be sober today without MWO. I can say this with confidence, because it is 100% true.

LG

[ifulovelife2]

An introduction

jaddyday;1323290 wrote: Could the be the medication starting to work or is it more likely to be a placebo effect?

Hi Justin

Sounds like baclofen doing its thing .

[jaddyday]

An introduction

Hi guys,

A couple of things have happened over the last week which I thought were worth mentioning:

I had my first night out on Monday since starting on Bac and it has taken me three days to get over it! Hangovers are definitely worse on Bac! Although the amount I drank would seem totally excessive to a 'normal' drinker I was actually fairly restrained by my standards particularly given that I had been abstinent for the preceding three weeks. More importantly, I had no desire to continue drinking the following day so my evening out didn't turn into a three or four day binge which is the usual pattern of my drinking.

However, this is the really exciting bit. When I woke up last Friday it suddenly dawned on me that something had changed. My obsession with alcohol which had been greatly reduced from the very start of this treatment seemed to have left me. I didn't mention it to anyone at the time because I wanted to see if it would last. One week on, and despite the fact that I drank on Monday, I still feel the same! It's a seriously weird feeling to have this obsession which had pervaded every aspect of my adult life, and destroyed much of it, suddenly removed. I'm still struggling to believe it really!

The main reason I'm still feeling sceptical is that I'm only currently taking 120mg/day (following Dr Ameisen's model of 3.6mg/kg I shouldn't hit my switch until I reach over 300mg/day) and have only been taking Bac for just over three weeks with virtually no ill effects. It all seems a bit too good to be true!

My plan now is to go up to 150mg/day on Sunday (as per my original titration schedule) and stay at that level whilst it remains effective for me. I don't really see much point in going up any further at the moment if I don't need to.

Any thoughts/words or wisdom gratefully recieved.

Justin

[SKendall]

An introduction

Let me welcome you Jaddy and Venom:welcome::goodjob:

I don't have any experience with Baclofen, but wantedto welcome you any way.

I did read somewhere that some have experienced the lack of obsession without going up to high doses. I think MWOis a great site for anyone wanting help with addiction, because as you must have learned in rehab, addiction has the same properties, despite the product.

Keep up the good work!

[COSGringo]

An introduction

Hey Justin. Good luck with everything. I had hit sort of a switch early on but it did not stick sadly.
I had to keep at it and going up. I got rather ill when I hit 260 and went down to 230 which really stuck for me.
Some folks do hit their switch early and you're young enough so maybe you are there!
Congrats either way and stick with it. Don't go up too quick if you start getting SE's.

[jaddyday]

An introduction

Well that was a hairy week!

A week ago, everything was going really well - I was largely AF and I wasn't getting any cravings. Lulled into a false sense of security by the lack of cravings, when a friend text me last weekend asking me to meet him for a drink I didn't hesitate. It turned into a heavy two day session during which time I managed to lock myself out of my house for three days and get arrested! Being locked out, I was consequently without Bac for two and a half days. Oh joy!

I suppose the moral of the story is that Bac if managing my cravings brilliantly but it has not (yet) turned me into a normal drinker.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

An introduction

YIPES! Holy cow, Justin.
Are you alright?

Yep. The whole normal drinking thing...It's such a quandary. I feel like a braggart sometimes, because I "do" it. And even in the moment it's a little titillating. But it took a lot of time. And I am very, very, very, very wary.
I still think, "Do I want this? Or does it want me?" Like it's going to devour me if I want it in that special wanting kind of way. Because it always has before! I may be a slow learner, but I am not a complete idiot. (imho! :H)

I hope you are on the other side of the recent kerfuffle. How are you now??? Are there long term repercussions?