Progress thread for Sticky

[Sticky]

Progress thread for Sticky

Hi JD and everyone

JD - I didn't realise you were AF going up. My counsellor last week said to everyone that "it's not a race" and "don't compare yourself to others". It's good philosophy for life. Also think you said you would have to reinvent your life as there was not much happening. I already have too much going on.

My GP agreed that I should maintain at 140 for now & moderate. So far so good. No more zopiclone. If I were ever to go up again there would need to be some controls in place. Hubby would need to give me bac so I didn't OD by mistake again. As usual he was great.

My focus has been getting some couselling for my youngest, who has had numerous "viruses" until it became apparent it was more than that. He's wanted to go to another school for a while and it's just not possible. His school is wonderful. He built himself into such a state of anxiety around going that a counselling session or 2 became necessary. Today I had to use the threat of no soccer tomorrow if he didn't go to school. The deputy head said the truancy officer would be called and that the police would get involved. He has missed a lot of school. Luckily he is well above average academically. Then he had a super cruisey day at school. Powered thru his homework and been on Pc playing games and Skpying friends ever since!

Have a great weekend everyone.

Cheers
Sticky

[Sticky]

Progress thread for Sticky

Hi all

I've been on 140mg for the past couple of weeks. I've not had a drink for 6 days before tonight. Having AF nights is much easier now. But I'm over the recommended limit tonight I expect. It's Friday night and I felt I "deserved" it. I'm finding each sip a little less appealing, which is great. But am disappointed that I didn't get to the "switch" at 210. SE's got in the way for now.

Exercise is doing it for me again. I have the energy for it. Sleep is better.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Cheers
Sticky

[skullbabyland]

Progress thread for Sticky

Hi Sticky...

Sounds like you're doing well! Cutting down alcohol intake is great. Also sounds like you were able to finally get some sleep. How'd that happen, did you need to take something to sleep, or just finally pass out, or?

[Colin]

Progress thread for Sticky

Sticky;1516694 wrote:
It's Friday night and I felt I "deserved" it.

That's a hard one. Whenever I've wanted to celebrate booze has always been on the front seat. With my current low alcohol consumption I am finding that I appreciate fine wines much more than before.

I suspect there's something wrong here.

[Sticky]

Progress thread for Sticky

Hi guys

After drinking too much Fri night I've slept badly since. Starting to get depressed again as am so tired.

Also feeling down that I didn't hit switch and a whole year has gone by trying to do so. Not sure what I'm going to do. Can't go up at the moment as I need to be present to help my younger son and be a useful mother, wife and business partner. Might have to go down to 120 or 100 so I can sleep. Will give it a couple of days and maybe talk to bac GP.

Sticky :upset:

[MaryGoRound]

Progress thread for Sticky

Sticky-

I am sorry you have had such a rough run. The time back in May seemed to be very scary. It is a good reminder to have a systematic approach (pre-loaded box or syringes) so that we know how many doses are left for the day. I still sometimes really have to think if I took a dose or just I thought about taking a dose

The depression is very real for some of us. For me it creeps into the space where my alcoholic voice use to drive me crazy. Lack of sleep make depression worse. I would wonder about going down to 120 too soon be because that AL thoughts seemed much more pronounced based on your recent experience. At 140 it seems you have low AL intake.

Maybe you don't need a switch. Just use tools plus some Bac.

[Colin]

Progress thread for Sticky

If you are tired and sleeping badly depression is very likely regardless of other considerations. Get some sleeping pills so you at least get a good sleep for a few nights.

Good luck.

[Colin]

Progress thread for Sticky

My recipe is 7.5 mg mirtazepine and 600 mg plus gabapentin. Talk it over with your doctor. Mirtazepine is hard to stop if you take it for a long time. That doesn't bother me because it is primarily an antidepressant which helps me a lot.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Progress thread for Sticky

I can't help but wonder if there's a correlation between these things:

Sticky;1517663 wrote: I need to be present to help my younger son and be a useful mother, wife and business partner.

Sticky;1517663 wrote: Not sure what I'm going to do
Sticky;1517663 wrote: Might have to go down to 120 or 100

And this:

Sticky;1517663 wrote: I didn't hit switch and a whole year has gone by...

It makes sense to me that getting sober, with or without baclofen, is more difficult in some ways for people who are "high functioning" (which is a term full of baloney, but hopefully you get my point) and those that have just given up trying to do it all.

I was somewhere in the middle. I really wanted to protect the life I knew and was comfortable with, but I knew in my heart of hearts that EVERYTHING would be better if I could just stop drinking against my will. It came to a point where I had to make a decision. In mid-January I wrote emails to Dr. Levin and Dr. Ameisen and several other people because I was desperate. I was sure that I could not continue to titrate up. I wasn't sleeping. I couldn't focus. I could barely get out of bed in the morning. I was dizzy, discombobulated, clearly the drug was impacting me in overwhelmingly negative ways. And I was still drinking.

I wrote all of them expecting someone to suggest that there was a secret I had missed. Something that would ease the burden of the SEs. (Even after I had spent a year on here, reading absolutely everything, I didn't believe that other people could have suffered through the kind of SEs I was having. Now I know it's fairly common.) The responses were almost unanimous. They all indicated I should give up. Or at the very least, accept where I was as it was at least an improvement on the way I had been. One of them indicated that I must be particularly crazy, because baclofen works for 99% and so it must be me.

I was heartbroken. I was also feckin' furious. I posted about it. And Lo0p said, "Go up. Just do it." So I did. 'cause at that point I could taste the freedom ahead. I wasn't going to sit idly by and not just try dammit. Plus, what the fuck do doctors and normal people know about this disease? Nothing.

The rest is my history. But the parts that don't often come up include the fact that I lost my job. When I woke up to what my relationship was really like, I started planning to leave my husband. It was the beginning of the end of my two closest friendships. (We are friends, still. And I still care for them a great deal and talk to them regularly. But they are...not well and don't really want to get better and now I know how they could have been friends with a really dysfunctional drunk like me.)

So everything changed. It was a revolution in my life. Thank all that matters! Because I am whole, finally. Present when I want to be. Alcohol didn't just cloud my brain when I was drunk. It tainted everything I thought, and influenced everything I touched. I know that not everyone is a drunk like I was, even around here. (Not gutter bound, not desperate and suicidal, but alcoholic from my first sip and destined to be until my last breath.) I suppose I'm writing all of this here, Sticky, because if you are (or were) a drunk like me, I really hope you will just take the plunge, dive in, stop testing and just leap off the cliff. With or without baclofen. (I couldn't have done it any other way, I don't think. But there are people around here that have.) I guarantee you that if your goal is to be the mother, wife and business partner you want to be, you think they want you to be, that Just Taking The Pills until you're indifferent to alcohol will get you there.

It is a particularly unique torture to us baclofentists when we expect to hit "the switch" and don't. Yet another burden of shame and guilt. I used to beat myself up daily. If my first thoughts on waking were, "I don't want to drink tonight. When can I drink tonight?" My next thought was, "I am a horrible person and I will never get well." That's bull shit. If that's going on in your head, start there and squash that beast like the nasty, hairy, pestilence it is. Step one: () I have power over that hairy spider spreading it's web of despair and shame. I will not let it tell me I'm not worthy or unable. I am woman. Hear me Roar. :H (Hopefully you're old enough to remember that song. And it's a bit of a joke, folks, so take it easy boys. lol.)

I know there is very likely a correlation between this:

Sticky;1517663 wrote: drinking too much Fri night
And this:

Sticky;1517663 wrote: I've slept badly since.

Which leads to this:

Sticky;1517663 wrote: Starting to get depressed again as am so tired.

Take all the rest of what I've written as you will, (hopefully realizing it's with absolute compassion and hope for you) I'll finish with some really (I think) practical advice:

Taking some time before making any decisions after you've had a drink would probably be a really good idea. When I drink now, even just two glasses of wine, the sky is a little darker the next day. The sun isn't as bright. The to-do list is longer and not as much fun. If I drink more than a couple of drinks, I do it knowing that the next day is going to be crummy and I might as well just spend the day reading a book and feeling sorry for myself. I do not make decisions on those days. Really. That's true. They're likely to be a reflection of fear and depression, not goals and aspirations.

Finally, (finally!) take what you need to take, do what you need to do, in order to get some sleep.

Hang in there. Whatever you decide to do, however you decide to get here, just get here. You will LOVE it. You will. Really.

:l and :h,

Karen

PS. If you do talk to Susiesmum, please give her my regards. i love that woman and I don't even think she knows it.

[kronkcarr]

Progress thread for Sticky

Hi, Sticky,

I have read your thread since I came on here and I've not posted because I couldn't figure out what to say. Ne's response helped me to solidify my thoughts. I can only imagine your frustration with bac and AL. I was a functioning drinker--ran a business, single parented and was always just a little short with money so constantly worried about that.

I put my son, my friends and men ahead of everything. I missed so many cues and signs so I made bad decisions--not horrible ones--just bad ones that eroded my confidence and self esteem and kept me frozen in place. I journal and when I look back over the years I realize that I thought I'd learned things only to realize that my drinking kept me from learning the lessons. What a mess!

The example with your son is so true. Anxiety and stress causes a lymphatic reaction in the body and we become ill. Can you talk with your son--listen and allow him to tell you how he feels and thinks? I think this would allow you more time because you won't spend time worrying about it.

I, too, had a million things to do when I started bac. But I chose to stop doing all of the things that didn't need immediate attention. I know it's hard when you can't sleep and SEs are blurring your life.

The last thing that struck me was your comment that it was Friday night and you deserved AL. I know our minds are tricky and habits are difficult to break. How would it be if you put another reward in place of AL? What do you like? A nice meal, movies, being outdoors? Whatever you choose plant it in your head and think about it all week so that when Fri rolls around you're happy to have reached the end of your week and you have a healthier reward.

These are just my thoughts. I wish an easier week for you, Sticky.

[spiritwolf333]

Progress thread for Sticky

Hi Sticky -
I am so very sorry for your recent woes -and you will get through rough period -you don't do all that have done and not have some huge fight in you.

I'm still a bac newbie (since 03-31-2013) but I have much experience in alcohol -so, with that said, take anything I say with a grain of salt.

Some of your recent posters, as I am sure you may already know, tell it like it is -they share their truths and their realities with you. I try to follow their posts as much as I can - they appear to be "recovered" from what was once termed a "hopeless state of mind and body".

Someone at meeting years ago told me that I was the unluckiest person in the room that night. This was after I spilled my guts out about having never even gotten a DUI, still had very healthy business, and was only at the meeting on volunteer basis. What this gentleman was pointing out to me by being "unlucky" was that I had not experienced any major consequences related to my drinking. He then went on to help me acknowledge the fact that I must have a pretty boring life if I am spending my days and evenings in these "meetings".

The point is, up until about six months ago, I had a very thriving business -in fact, I was involved in several other ventures -all successful, financially speaking. Well, guess what, I no longer have a business or its perceived challenges to worry about. My top three employees decided they could do a lot better on their own -and they could (damn that hurts to even think say). I still have the most important things in my life -my Wife and Kids and boat load of hope (all thanks to baclofen and MWO) -and I never want alcohol to steal that from me -and it would if I kept on doing what I was doing.

Sticky, I had to give up the one thing that I thought I could never live without -Firewater. In fact, my first 0 to 20 days of bac made me really question whether I was ever gone to find an answer. The next 45 days convinced (of bac) convinced me that there are still miracles around. The sleeping thing was hell at first (though not nearly as bad with alcohol -I never really slept after drinking -I think I was just passing out). Now I am sleeping big time (too much some days). Depression still creeps in some days -out of the dang blue and I feel like hell -and i don't like feeling down -I want to always feel on top of my best game.

All this rambling is only to share my experience with you and my hope for you. Ne and Kronk (and many-many others know what they are talking about) Today, I no longer feel like the unluckiest person in the room. In fact, I feel like the luckiest man in the world -even though I lost my business of 25 years and whole lot of other "stuff". I am also very lucky in the fact that, for today and only today, I have absolutely no desire or need to drink -and I vevvvva (Ne) thought these past days would exist in my little alcoholic world.

Peace to you Sticky -you and your family deserve some.

[Sticky]

Progress thread for Sticky

Hi everyone

Thanks so much for the awesome replies! I felt extra bad when I last posted as it was 5am after a few nights of sleeping badly. I was tearful and fed up. Things weren't quite so bad during the day.

My son is OK - going to school and working on breathing exercises. I still need to be there for him and my family for now and not go up again immediately. I've already taken enough time out with HDB knocking me for 6. We are struggling financially and hubby needs my support with our businesses too.

I plan to try and stay at 140mg in the near future. I may go up again at some stage, but hubby will have to have the meds and give them to me so I don't OD by mistake. This is what my bac GP says.

No more sleeping pills for me, Colin, on this journey. Not after I took 7 at once. They didn't work anyway. Yes, they helped me fall asleep, but I fall asleep easily anyway with bac. I wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble getting back to sleep, whether I take them or not. That's the killer. I need to get better at forcing myself to get up for a while. It does work.

Thanks again
Sticky :l

[Sticky]

Progress thread for Sticky

Hi NE

Thanks for still being here for me and your usual words of wisdom. Yes, I still want to get to the "switch." Hopefully later this year. But I have already lost a lot of time to HDB and can't do it right now.

I must contact Susie'smom. I guess I'd like to have better news. When I do I'll pass on your message.

Thanks
Sticky :l

[Colin]

Progress thread for Sticky

Looking for this?

Good to see again.

[Sticky]

Progress thread for Sticky

Hey thank you so much Colin. Good to "see" you too. Especially since you and I were doing the moderating thing without getting to indifference.

Sticky :l