Giving up....in a good way!

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

Thanks Bruun! I am still beating myself up, but getting better. The whole drinking experience was not all that I remembered it to be, and the after effects are worse than I remembered! how did I do this everyday? UGH!!!

AF is the way for me! i just need to keep telling myself that no matter how much my AL brain tries to tell me otherwise!

[StuckinLA]

Giving up....in a good way!

Hey Taw, lots of love for you. I kind of want some of that to be tough love for a second, so forgive me when I say this: WTF do you mean disgusted with yourself, etc.?

You drank because you have a disease, just like the rest of us. What you're going through vs. what other people are going through, like dealing with worse sh-t than someone else is a "right" to drink... Well, that's the kind of BS nonsense that gives us shite like A&E's Intervention. It's recovery porn. It's utter rubbish, and all it does is give normal people a crutch to lean on, so they can feel like they understand a disease they don't have, and then let them have their own Oprah fantasy of personal strength in the face of difficulty. Those are the same people--and I've read these accounts--that say they're thankful for getting cancer, because it let them see how strong they are.

The other thing I'm gonna do is pull out some AA stuff with you. Sort of. Because yeah, geologic levels of sober time are like a badge of honor/pride in AA. I don't want to disparage that in any way. But it's fucking 1 day at a time, Taw. Just today, goddammit. And drinking over a weekend? That in no way invalidates the last month or month and a half or whatever it was.

There is nothing you can do that will take away the sober days you have had.

I know I beat this library story like a dead horse, like I have no other stories to tell, so forgive me for yanking it back from the grave and dusting it off yet again. There is nothing my mother can do to take away that 1 very nice day we had together. Just that 1 sober day.

/end tough love

Now that I've beat you down, allow me to comfort you... :H (Wow it really is like boot camp over here. Break you down so we can mold you into the proper form! Ugh, I disgust myself.) You had a slip and it sucks. But remember--really, remember and internalize it--the difference between a slip and a relapse. This is total recovery-speak:

A slip is just that, your guard and your defenses were momentarily overwhelmed, and you drank. And you are now right back on track.

A relapse is returning to previous drinking/addict patterns. This is obviously what you are not doing.

So think of it as what it very clearly, objectively, really was: a slip, a stumble, a hiccup during the course of this truly beautiful trajectory that you're on toward being well.

We all love you, and we are right here with you, every step, every day. But it's only 1 step, and only 1 day at a time. Until it's not, ya' know?

(I really hate the heart emoti on this board, it annoys me. But I've been really overusing the hugs lately. [EDIT: I've also been really overusing really, but it's a really emphatic kind of week(s).] So for you today, Taw, only for you...)

:h

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

Thanks Stuck! You are correct! I slipped...I kinda knew in the back of my mind I had another drunk in me...or at least that is my excuse.
I will get over this! And stop beating myself up! And look for an alternate dealing method! Next time, it won't be a toss up between wine or ice cream! Ice cream it is!! Maybe even with peanut M&Ms added!!

[StuckinLA]

Giving up....in a good way!

"I know I always have another drunk in me. I don't know if I have another recovery in me."

Sorry for all the AA proverbs! People will start wondering which side of that fence I'm really on. :H

You're A-OK, Taw. Just remember that part, yes?

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

Yes, Stuck! Thanks!

[spacebebe01]

Giving up....in a good way!

HI Taw, sorry I havent chimed in earlier but I hope you are feeling a bit better now, the hangover will just be making you feel more down as well. Are you eating lots and drinking lots of water.

This was really just a blip and you hve got back on track so quick so well done that you didnt let it go on.

Lots of love to you x

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

Thanks, Space! I know you have been having a tough time too! I need to eat something. Have been trying to drink water. Slept like crap last night, so I am hoping a good nights sleep tonight will do wonders!

We will all get thru our own battles together!! If that made any sense!!

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

So, I have been thinking a lot the last couple days. Yes, it did kind of hurt! :H

We have a disease. Why is it so hard to accept? I suffer from depression also. I accept that and deal with that and take my prozac (except when I am feeling really good and don't think I need it! I know, bad!!) Then I start to feel icky again and I start taking it again. THIS disease we are all dealing with, seems to take on a life of its own. How can one sticking little thing have SO much control? I gave up control this weekend. I gave into my crabby boss, and lame ex husband and love of my life that does not love me, and to hormornes and god knows what else, just to have a drink! I know it is my disease. I won't give it that control again.

I don't like that feeling, not being in control. I used to crave it, which is why I drank. I wanted to give into it. I don't want to anymore. I like remembering everything at night. Not having the panicky feeling of who did I text or what did I say. I am so thankful my son was with his dad and did not see me. I did just have a moment of panic over a 3 day weekend with him. BUT, how quickly I squashed that. He wants me sober. We have fun doing silly things when I am sober. I am not crabby and hungover when I am sober. I have real energy, not fake energy, and if I don't that is ok too. At least I will be sober. I can always have another cup of coffee!

As much as I want to forget this weekend, one thing I was never good at in AA was keeping the pain close. I want to remember this crummy crappy, just BLECH feeling.

Feel free to remind me of it if I ever try to think drinking would be a good idea again.

Much love to you all!! :l Thanks so much for your support and kick in the keister when I need it!

[Bruunhilde]

Giving up....in a good way!

I'm with you Taw, I see the alcohol for what it is - I am just about done with the Allen Carr book and I read Jason Vale a while back. Both are good - one thing Jason says is the marketing machine is what convinces us that alcohol is cool, that we're cool if we drink it and uncool if we don't. That going to a bar and having a seltzer makes you a dork and no fun but I remember doing alcohol free beer a few times in my 20's and finding I could still have fun, and it wasn't that different at all. That was before my disease got as bad as it did several years later, when the first couple of drinks were pure relief.

It is the physical addiction we don't have anymore, that makes that glass of alcohol so desirable and so special. It fixes the wrong but if the wrong isn't there now, the physical addiction is gone after a few AF days, so the drink doesn't provide the relief and euphoria of your hypoglycemic body getting jet fuel in its veins.

Its a HUGE thing for me, this experience. I keep testing it and for the first time I tested it with Saphhire gin again, a week ago, and didn't enjoy it any of the days I had it. Couldn't bear to toss it, but when it was done all that bothered me was the boredom.

What do I do in the absence of that cocktail? What reward at the day's end? This is no news I know, we all have this issue, how to fill the time with something meaningful and fun perhaps, not just all chores chores chores and TV.

I need something that doesn't involve my hands, since I type too much and watch a computer all day long and have repetitive motion issues. That makes it hard to do much except play with the dog and try to spare my hands. But its an excellent problem to have. A hangover is much worse a problem.

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

Yea, the boredom! And sometimes just nothing sounds appealing! I am not a hobby kind of person, other than reading, but how much of that can you do after staring at a computer screen all day...

But you are correct, Bruun, a hangover is much worse than being bored!!

hang in there Brunn!

[SaguaroSon]

Giving up....in a good way!

taw,

I have been reading over your past posts the last few days, and I just have to say, I am so inspired by you. I know you must not feel very inspirational right now, being at a low moment on your path, but believe me, you are! The dedication you have to your son, the commitment to supporting other people on this board, the honesty and vulnerability you display in letting it all out. I know I don't know sh*t, but I think it's a journey, and I'd be happy to follow in your footsteps?

I really relate to what you said about us having a disease? My ex, who was a dyed-in-the-wool 12-stepper, was always talking about that, it being a disease, but yet, he was the one most against me taking any kind of medication to try to get better. I never understood that. I have a pretty severe case of seasonal affective disorder, and now that I've finally found a regimen that gets me back to 75% of normal during the winter months (Wellbutrin + a dawn simulator) I would NEVER think to skip it. SAD is a disease? If alcoholism is a disease, and we can find medication that makes us better? why would we ever skip it? I haven't found that magic Rx yet (I'm hoping the AB that is on it's way will be it), but after all the sadness and misery, the shame and embarrassment, the lost days and lost dignity? well? I think you're right. I just want to find my "medicine" and never stop taking it.

Maybe I'm naive, but I've still got hope that I can kick this thing. Thank you, thank you, thank you for inspiring me to hope for that. I don't know what I would do without that hope. Hang in there.

SaguaroSon

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

SS,
Welcome and thank you so much for your kind words. I hope you find the med that works for you. I tried bac several times and it did not work for me but has worked so well for so many others. AB is my med of choice, because it takes away the choice.

I think you can kick this thing too, SS! Come here, share, let us know how you are doing!! We are all fighting the same thing!! It is easier to do this together than alone!

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

SS,

Your doc said he would not give you a scrip for AB becasue you could just stop taking it. Well isn't that true for the meds he gave you also? Oops, just realized as I was looking for what meds he did give you that was on another thread...Anyhoo, the thing is, and that I learned this weekend, anything we put in our bodies is a choice!

If we are committed to quitting drinking we will take the AB or the bac or the topa everyday. I let everything else that went wrong last week be an excuse not to take the AB and drink. I have my pill box set up to take my vitamin, prozac, AB and bac every morning. I did not take any of them for several days. And (WARNING, TMI) me pmsing with NO prozac is NOT a good thing. Which after all of this occured, I figured out why all the little things seemed like such big things.

My point is, SS, finally getting there, Good for you for not listening to your doc and taking into your own hands by ordering it! :goodjob:

I am feeling better today and spending some time with my son last night did a world of good. He was none the wiser about what happened. So onward and sober!

Hope is it a good one for y'all!!:l

[spacebebe01]

Giving up....in a good way!

Oh Taw I just read what you said about not taking your pills, I did that just before I ended up pissed, although I had made a decision to try and cut down and stop my citalopram because I hate it but still, I didnt take it and then got pissed, I think there is a connection, so even tho I dont like it I am going to take it until I get something better.

Glad your feeling better. xx

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Giving up....in a good way!

Ya' know, when I first started this whole thing and then even much, much later, I let the whole "day one" thing really mess with me. For soooo long that is what mattered. (And it does, in a way that is very different now!)

And the whole PMS thing--Taw, I got drunk, stinkin' drunk, every thirty (+/-) days for the first two or three months after I was indifferent. That was the only time. It happened again in October. I woke up the next morning, completely miserable with the worst hangover ever, and started my period that day. (Adding insult to injury!!!) My hormones have their way with me!

Just keep taking the damn pills--all of 'em and prepare yourself for next month! It IS a disease. You can and will recover from it. It's very exciting! :l