Giving up....in a good way!

[taw]

I have not been around for a while. I got a new postion at work and could not spend as much time reading as I could before. Then my son's computer broke so he uses mine at home.

Mainly I was just embarassed about my lack of progress with bac. Then nal. The bac and nal. Then nal and bac. I got up to 340 on bac. I almost lost my job because I could not function, nor could I sleep, or stay awake. When I heard over and over I needed to be on my A game, made me realize I wasn't. When every part of my body was twitching so bad I couldn't sit still, type, my eyes vibrated....all the while drinking as much as before. More on the weekends.

After a terrible bender last weekend....4 days, thank god my son was with his dad, I realized I CANNOT DRINK! So I am giving up the hope of ever trying to mod and going all out full force dry. I am taking AB. I see it as if I hit the swith I would have to take bac everyday, right? So I take AB everyday.

And even if I don't I can't drink that day. I have tried. IT WAS BAD!!!

I feel like after 30+ years of dealing with this a light went on. I LOVE FALLING ASLEEP AND REMEMBERING MY DREAMS!! What did I dream all that time that I blacked out and did not remember??

I could kiss my son good night on the lips instead of the top of his head to hide the wine on my breath. We are making plans to go to a park this weekend, instead of me saying no because I cannot take my wine with me.

I know I have not met a lot of you, but I have been trying to read a bit more to get to know you. Can't wait to meet you!

I don't know if this is the perfect long term solution but for right now, for the first time in a long time I don't feel like a trainwreck!

[Bruunhilde]

Giving up....in a good way!

Heck yah I know that feeling. I have a box of AB but go on and off it. My advice is never go off it. Also, its a great time for you to read Jason Vale or Allen Carr books on quitting the drink easily.

Taw, we've been down in the shits together and I think we've been sober together too. I look forward to many more sober times together.

:l

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

Ditto Bruun! We can do this! I just need to remember to come here for support, not hide from it!

[Bruunhilde]

Giving up....in a good way!

Right-o, Taw. We have too much good to give others to spend time drinking poison and taking away ourselves from giving. Giving and appreciating is much easier to do and more rewarding when you are emotionally and physically able to do it. I.E., not so hung that you have to sleep when you could be doing something else. AB helps us keep the beast from stealing our lives from us and the people who need and love us.

Now to apply that little speech to my own life.

I say all this stuff about giving and serving because it always makes me feel better. I resist business travel with a vengeance and knowing I have ten hours of travel threatens to unravel me and make me angry and anxious. Instead, on the planes yesterday, I wished for someone to sit next to me that I could help. I met two great women and one really stuck woman (she hid behind her curtain of hair and eyelashes and wouldn't even greet me when she sat down which is just rude if I greet her [and no I am not one of those annoying talking heads next to you when you don't want to talk]). Needless to say, the stuck woman I failed to help and the others didn't need it that much but I might have made a friend! Or else she just wants more business at her restaurant which is probably likely. Either way, I get a free cocktail out of it, LOL. Super great, eh?

Sorry I'm straying ... feels good to not work, to play hooky, and relax a little.

Funny tidbit: When I was a baby alcoholic in high school, I would go out and party with other baby alkies. We had one tall boy who was very sweet and shy, and his name was Ward. Ward had a tendency to barf up his drink, so we named barfing from too much booze "Warding Out". I saw someone named Ward post on my hometown's homepage on FB, and I wanted to say something that only he would understand and he would only understand it if he was the correct Ward. However, I don't remember his last name so I didn't do it, plus worried that he wasn't a baby alkie back then, he was a kid drinking because we all drank, and became an Adult instead of an Alcoholic and I didn't want to feel bad about myself by finding that out.

That is so whack.

So Taw, what is the plan for the AB?

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

The plan is to take it and keep taking it. I have taken if before for a few days then stopped...this time I know the longer I take it the longer I have to go without drinking. And getting into my system early everymorning so I cannot talk my way out of it later in the day.

Maybe I will come up with a different plan later, but for now that is it...it is only day 4. But I think the key this time is taking it in the morning first thing so I can't not take it...make sense??

Warding out??? HA!!! I am such a puker, too!!!

[Nelz]

Giving up....in a good way!

Wish there was a like button on here.........wonderful plans to start being AF.

Wishing you strength

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

Thanks Nelz! Outside of locking myself inside I don't know what else to day. I think with the AB, and the prozac, I might be ok....or if I can at least get some good sobriety time in to look at this objectively instead of always reacting to the lastest binge.

I am tired of living a double life...some people think I have been sober over 2 years, my family thinks since November, others know about the rehabs and still drink daily.

It is getting tiresome keeping up all the lies...and worst of all, my son is beginning to notice more...I cannot have that. I don't want him to put 2 and 2 together that I kiss his head when I am drinking, and lips when I am not....

[windycitylady]

Giving up....in a good way!

Taw! Honest to God, I thought of you yesterday! I was thinking of MWOers in my area (I think you're around here), and you came to mind. And I realized that we hadn't heard from you in a while. What timing!
Great plan! After going for the switch and not hitting it, I got so depressed. I really thought that bac was going to save me, and I felt cheated and disillusioned. I titrated down and decided to take an AB to get a couple AF days. The AF days, while not pleasant, were easier than I thought they'd be. The AB eliminated the option of drinking, so I didn't dwell on the thoughts of drinking, for fear of making myself insane. I kept going with low dose bac and AB. And now I'm 5 months AF.
When I was going for the switch and drinking my normal amount, I don't think I could feel how much bac really did decrease my cravings. It's not perfect, I still want to drink (God, sometimes I REALLY want to drink!), but it's not the feeling like I'll die if I don't drink that it used to be. I checked the other day, and I've only taken 5 AB pills in 5 months. I do take half pills, but still....That's a lot of days that I COULD have drank had I wanted to. If you would have told me a year ago that I would be on 50mg/day of bac and had the option to drink and chose not to, I would say you were crazy. But...somehow it's working for me.
I hear you on trying to keep up with the lies and different sobriety dates. After so many attempts to quit, I stopped telling people just so I wouldn't have to admit it or lie when I inevitably drank again. Actually, that's something I did differently this time around and probably helped me. I was so goddamned proud to get just a few AF days, I told EVERYONE. Friends, family. I was kicking myself later when I really wanted to drink. But I decided that if I drank, I would be honest about it. I'd rather feel ashamed than lie anymore. I'm just tired of it.
I really didn't mean to talk so much about myself! Sorry! Just wanted to congratulate you on "giving up"!
I hope it's only lip kisses for your son from here on out.
Wishing you sweet dreams now that you're remembering them!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Giving up....in a good way!

So good to see you, Taw. And so great to hear where your mind is! Just the fact that you're still in the fight with us is a testament to your amazing strength and courage. (I wish I could 'gift' you with that awareness!)
Congrats on the job, on the decision(s) and on the focus!
:l

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

Hey Windy, NE!

Yes, Windy, I work in the city and live about 20 miles west...funny you have taken 5 AB in 5 months...I have taken 5 AB in 5 days. I just know I need to get it in my system and the more I have in there at any given point, the longer I have to go without drinking. Sounds like your plan is working great for you too! Guess that is why this place is called MY way out...

NE, thanks for the encouragement! I won't give up on this!! hey, have you moved yet? Congrats on the house, btw!

Day 5 AF on a Friday, and you know what? Not even freaked out...I will have my son this weekend, and I may be a bit crabby without my wine to take the edge off, but crabby is better than drunk I'd say.

And without drinking all my calories, I can eat, and ya know what? I think that might take the edge off just as well!!

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

I JUST thought of something else....4 years ago after a HUGE 4th of July weekend bender was when I decided I needed help and started going to AA.

Enough is enough!!!! I will not waste anymore time!!

[redhead77]

Giving up....in a good way!

Hi Taw,

I know how hard you've tried with the drugs. You've tried to hit the 'switch' and tried nal and TSM. I'm so proud that you've never given up the fight. You seem so positive right now and in a good place. It's great to see you posting again. I'm rooting for you girl! Just like you've always done for me. :l

[Bruunhilde]

Giving up....in a good way!

THIS thread is what MWO is all about! And just think, some of us have known each other for more than a year, maybe 18 mos (Ne?). We've stuck around and we've ranted and sweated it out and we've hugged a whole lot and we've helped each other. Thank you Roberta Jewel for creating this safe place!

TAW, I know exactly what you mean about AB in the AM, otherwise you're screwed. Also helps to be busy at the witching hour, so you don't feel the loss of the AL, which Windy you probably said already.

Glad to see you all here. Glad to be here.

Funny, I have a balding woman website that is like this. I want to feel like a victim since I have these two HUGE challenges/problems. But I'm just glad I'm not in it alone, although it would be nice if you all were losing your hair too so we could talk about that. On my hairloss website, I always want to talk about my alkie tendencies/challenges and have to remember these people don't have that problem too, they 'only' have womens hairloss.

Taw, keep posting, are you still day 5? What are you doing when you normally drink?

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

Hey Guys, Red and Bruun!

Thanks Red! We will all keep rooting each other on! That's what it is about.
Bruun, I am at work. I would normally start drinking as soon as I got home tonight. Then tomorrow and Sunday I would start around 11:00 a.m. or noon. I know, disgusting! After the coffee wears off, and I start to slug a little. Funny, I drink coffee all day here to keep my energy but I feel the need to drink wine all day at home to get it there. SO, what is my plan you ask??

Well, I am going to make a BIG pot of coffee tomorrow morning, instead of the small amount I make weekday mornings. That way, I can make it, then just nuke it as I need a little pick me up! Maybe splurge and get a flavored creamer, which I don't normally like, but, hey....Mayb some iced coffee if it is going to get as hot here as they say again.

Most of all I hope to keep busy with my son, instead of him in one room playing and me hiding in my room sneaking sips of wine!!

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

Bruun, I am so in my own mish mash I forgot to ask how you are doing? AF? I think it is wonderful that you have 2 places you can go for support for 2 major issues!!

But, I do have one thing to confess Brunn, I am still smoking...I promised my son I would quit for his birthday with is the end of the month...maybe he will be ok with me cutting WAY back as long as he doesnt randomly smell wine on my breath!

Speaking of which....time to smoke!