Giving up....in a good way!

[redhead77]

Giving up....in a good way!

No wonder, Taw! Of course you turned to drinking with all of that. Not taking your meds and PMS. At least now you know. It's been a learning experience, right?

I've been spreading my wings, T. I guess I'm ready to post elsewhere again. Thanks for giving me a warm place to grow. :l

I wanted to share this. Not to bring up Oprah or anything, Stuck :H, but I was doing an exercise in a magazine the other day. It was on how well do you know yourself.

Here was one of the exercises:

List what you love.

Complete each sentence with a different activity. Don't spend too much time thinking: Jot down the first answers that come to mind because those will typically be the most true.

I could blow an entire rainy afternoon ______________
When I was a kid, I used to love __________________
I've always wanted to become really good at _____________
If I could do one thing every day of my life, it would be ____________
I can lose track of time when I'm _______________________
Nothing clears my head like ____________________________
When I'm feeling drained, all I want to do is ___________________
I feel most connected to my body when I'm _____________________
In my daydreams, I imagine myself __________________
I get a shot of energy when I _________________

Okay, so you guys read the instructions, right? Here were my first thoughts.

I could blow an entire rainy afternoon by drinking. Although it's been a very long time since I've done that.
When I was kid, I used to love ______________
I've always wanted to become really good at______________
If I could do one thing every day of my life, it would be ______________
I can lose track of time when I'm drinking.
Nothing clears my head like really it's not drinking, but I feel guilty admitting it.
When I'm feeling drained, all I want to do is drink.
I feel most connected to my body when I'm ________________
In my daydreams, I imagine myself sober and happy about it.
I get a shot of energy when I drink.

Yikes! Does anyone see the problem with this pic? This is on how well I know myself. On 6 out of 10 of the questions, my first thoughts were related to booze (I didn't post my answers for the others ). I think I have some work to do. Not that Oprah type questionnaires mean much to me, but this one just kind of hit home.

Hello Ne! It's good to see you out and about. I hope school and the house are going well...as well as the multiple other things I'm sure you do. :l

:welcome:SaguaroSon! I've read what you've posted so far, and I look forward to reading more. I'm glad you can join us

Nighty night loves.

[StuckinLA]

Giving up....in a good way!

Awww RedH, yeah that blows, with you being so secretive about the other answers. It is good for a quick jolt of perspective, though, that questionnaire is, right? Maybe not so good for figuring out WTF to do now... Even the I Always Wanted, or the When I Was A Kid ones... 'cause there isn't much of a market for ninjas these days.

But I bet the next time you're super super pissed off/freaked out and just need to right that very moment go do something, if you happen to decide you want to try something/anything different from what you normally do for those feelings, I'm betting that's what you should spend a little more time doing. That all sounds pretty vague and abstract... But it's one of those things like, back when I could drive, I was sitting around my old apartment most likely hungover, and I decided to go to an ice rink. Just for something different, and I ended up spending the rest of the summer skating almost every day.

Anyway, I'd say think about it, but thinking about it absolutely doesn't work, and I guess that sucks because what I'm really saying is I hope you never find what you'd really enjoy doing because I hope you don't have those pissed off/freaked out moments... Ugh.

And Taw, I leave you in the capable hands of absolutely everyone else here, because the monthly workings of your ladyparts are a complete mystery to me.

Group hugs all around.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Giving up....in a good way!

redhead77;1370782 wrote:

I could blow an entire rainy afternoon ______________
When I was a kid, I used to love __________________
I've always wanted to become really good at _____________
If I could do one thing every day of my life, it would be ____________
I can lose track of time when I'm _______________________
Nothing clears my head like ____________________________
When I'm feeling drained, all I want to do is ___________________
I feel most connected to my body when I'm _____________________
In my daydreams, I imagine myself __________________
I get a shot of energy when I _________________

Ok. Generally I hate that kind of stuff. It smacks of the alcoholic questionnaires. And the "How good are you in bed" crap. Or worse (much worse) "does he really love you" kind of sh*t I used to read in Cosmo when I was a kid. (Like in my 30s, I guess? )

But I LIKE this one. And it's because of your answers, RedH. THANK YOU so much for sharing that.

And, um, yeah. That sucks, dude. This disease feckin' sucks worse than anything.

"I could lose track of time..." When don't I lose track of time? oy. I am so tired of being distracted and annoyed by the fact that I am not coping with ADD. It's worse than the ADD distraction!

I ate nothing but dark chocolate covered almonds yesterday. And peanut MnMs. Seriously. Coffee, water, and cigarettes for all the rest of my caloric/chemical needs.
Guess what I got accomplished? Nothing. I lost a whole day.
What's worse is that I get really depressed. I spent the whole day on the couch (when I wasn't buying stuff I didn't need) feeling badly about myself and the world around me. The only difference between yesterday and the day before is that I ate actual food the day before.

If I don't eat, and eat relatively well, I lose days almost in the way that I used to when I drank. (ok, not really I guess. But sort of.)

I wonder how many days, and in how many ways, I have to learn this.
I was going to put it on my thread, but will leave it here because Taw, I know that you struggle with the not-eating too. And let me tell you...When I don't eat, the world goes to hell.

Off to make the doughnuts!
Or rather, the hard boiled egg and the smoothie with spinach.

[spacebebe01]

Giving up....in a good way!

There are times when the whole cooking and eating thing seems such hard work, and I know form years of it that when I dont eat I feel like shit, but I still do it.

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

Morning! Wow, was busy here last night while I was at sons baseball game!

PMS is a killer for me. All of my suicide attempts have been while Pms'ing. I usually double up on the prozac during that time, so mental note to be WAAAAY more aware of when it is coming.

Thanks for posting that Red! Yes, most of my answers were about drinking. Funny how little I know myself without AL being involved. I guess it is true that I need to know myself before I can find someone else.

I fell way off track last week with taking meds, eating, walking....everything. I am back to taking the meds, trying to eat a little better this week. I have lost all motivation to start back walking just because I am so damned tired all the time. But I think the lad and I will go for some bikerides this weekend.

He told me this morning that he just wanted to stay home and snuggle all day. I said we have 3 days to do that this weekend. Watch movies, eat popcorn, have a campout (blankets and pillows on the living room floor, SOO uncomfortable, but he loves them!!)

So, getting back on track....progress not perfection, right? Hard for a perfectionist to say! :H

Thanks all for the love and support!! Hope it is a good one for everyone!

Space, rock those nails, heels, lashes, etc! Dance the night away!!!:alf: (closest thing I could find to dancing!! )

[windycitylady]

Giving up....in a good way!

taw;1369539 wrote:
We have a disease. Why is it so hard to accept? I suffer from depression also. I accept that and deal with that and take my prozac (except when I am feeling really good and don't think I need it! I know, bad!!) Then I start to feel icky again and I start taking it again. THIS disease we are all dealing with, seems to take on a life of its own. How can one sticking little thing have SO much control? I gave up control this weekend. I gave into my crabby boss, and lame ex husband and love of my life that does not love me, and to hormornes and god knows what else, just to have a drink! I know it is my disease. I won't give it that control again.

I don't like that feeling, not being in control. I used to crave it, which is why I drank. I wanted to give into it. I don't want to anymore.

YES!! You hit the nail on the head, T.
I'm so happy that you got right back up after your slip and started the AB right away. In my opinion, that's harder than just staying sober. And I say that we don't have to count AF days consecutively. You still have your month and a half or two months, whatever it was, then just add in a whisper, minus two days.
I think sometimes we need to remind ourselves how much drinking does suck. It can be a very helpful exercise. The danger lies in getting stuck there and never making it back to sobriety. And you did!
The questionnaire discussion is interesting. It sums up what I'm trying to figure about myself right now. What DO I like? Who was I when I was little? What were my dreams then? What are my dreams now?
And what the hell is it with everyone here and peanut M&Ms? I guess I don't share that particular obsession. And that's fine. Last thing I need is one more vice...
Hugs and love, T. You're doing great!

[StuckinLA]

Giving up....in a good way!

Hiya, Taw! You are doing great, so I just 2nd (or am I 3rd, 4th, whatever by now?) what's been said. Walks and bike rides sound wonderful, really. I'm not exactly familiar with your particular corner of the greater metropolitan area, but I believe it's laid out similarly to where I grew up, down in the south 'burbs. And those bike rides remind me of exactly what my dad and I did in the evenings sometimes.

Even this last time back "home," he and I went for a walk. It's really lovely. And pillow forts!? OMG I love pillow forts. Er, or did. They can be a bit uncomfortable now...

Anyway keep rocking on, chica.

:l:l:l

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

Windy! Thanks for checking in! How's the new digs? Driver's License?

Stuck, thanks for the kudos, too!! We have the prairie path right outside our door! We rarely use it! Hopefully after a long bike ride, I won't mind how uncomfortable the pillow fort is!!

So I am sitting here in my fishbowl office, (more sort of a reverse fishbowl because I cannot see out anywhere except my glass door) needing to be doing so much work but I just cannot get motivatied to do it. I have been going thru years and years of old docments trying to decide what we need to keep and what to shred...Yes, most of it is getting shredded. If we haven't needed them by now we won't need them going forward! My thinking anyway, until somewhere down the road FN says, "Taw, where is that document from 1993?" Oh well.

I have to say though that I am feeling more comfortable sober. I think the reason being is that I am ok feeling uncomfortable. It was a very raw feeling for a very long time. It almost hurt to feel that way. Now, it is not the best feeling, but I can acknowledge it and move on. No, I might not like the way it feels, but I "feel." It has been so long since I have "felt", everything had been so numb for so long because of AL. I know in rehab they talked about a lot of anxiety from being newly sober was because you were not used to feeling. I get that now.


This "sober high", "pink cloud", whatever will go away. I know that. Real life continues on, emotions and all. I will have another week like I had last week, so next time I will remember that, my worst day sober is still better than my best day drunk, or something like that.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!!

Lots of :l:l:l for everyone!

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

Thanks so much Reg!! have the song playing now!! Feeling good these days, again!! I like this feeling!! Hugs to you too!! XOXO

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

Thanks so much Reg!! much love to you also! Sleep tight!!!!

[windycitylady]

Giving up....in a good way!

taw;1371320 wrote:
I have to say though that I am feeling more comfortable sober. I think the reason being is that I am ok feeling uncomfortable. It was a very raw feeling for a very long time. It almost hurt to feel that way. Now, it is not the best feeling, but I can acknowledge it and move on.

This really resonated with me, T.
Every time I went back to rehab, they'd ask me, "What's different this time? Why will you be able to stay sober this time when you haven't been able to before?" I always came up with some BS answer: I'm doing it for me this time, I'm willing to do whatever it takes this time, etc, etc. But that question actually scared me. Nothing was ever different.
And now, this is the single biggest change I've made in sobriety. I'm comfortable with being uncomfortable. I understand that I will feel discomfort but that I can handle it (isn't that a funny irrational fear that we have: What if I can't handle this discomfort?), and that it will end eventually. It sounds so simple. What's the AA phrase...."Simple, but not easy"? That describes it pretty well.

Thinking of you, sweetie. Hope you're doing well!

[StuckinLA]

Giving up....in a good way!

Argh I have so much catching up to do!

Comfortable with uncomfortable is great, but a tiny bit scary, but absolutely great and spot on, yes? It's like... pick any daunting project you like or absolutely F-ing hate... I'll use the gym because it hit me pretty hard last week. Get on the scale 1 time, realize how much work there is to do, but then instead of being overwhelmed, and thinking it's ALL RIGHT NOW or NOTHING and giving up, just hunkering down and going back every day. And not getting on that damned scale again.

It was weird, and really unlike me, to think to myself "OK this sucks, but I have all semester to keep coming back, hell, all year or whatever, and pretty soon it'll make a difference." Instead of freaking out, just doing whatever is right there in front of me. Again, comfortable with uncomfortable.

And I love the AA slogans. The one(s) about "contrary action" are my favs. Actions don't care why you do them, and whatnot.

[windycitylady]

Giving up....in a good way!

Spot on, Stuck. Especially the gym analogy. I'm big on instant gratification. I'm trying not to be.

Taw? Where are you?!

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

I am here, I am here!!

Nice weekend with the lad...and been trying to catch up on all the threads this morning! We were computer free yesterday!! We went to the zoo (no beer for me there, a first! but I swear everyone we passed had a beer in their hand!!).

So, back to the grind today...which I am kinda glad. I like/need the structure of getting up routine getting to and working. Too much free time is not good for me!! And as much as I had a good time with my son, boredom was setting in....

Anywho, not sure if any of that made sense, but hoping you all had a good weekend...

Late for a meeting....:l:l to all!!!!

[StuckinLA]

Giving up....in a good way!

Taaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwww!

Hiya.

Glad you had a good weekend.