Giving up....in a good way!

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

I wandered over here to update but turns out I don't have much to say....good, sober weekend with my son. We had 2 campouts and I was very thankful to be back in my bed last night! Two nights in a row on the floor was not good for my old bones!! But he loved it. Sunday night we made lots of popcorn, had some Dots and Mike n Ikes, and watched a movie. It really was fun! I was so worried all weekend about it being a long weekend and being sober crabby instead of having a few drinks to take the edge off. I was pretty proud of myself that I was really pretty happy all weekend. There were a couple points Sat and Sunday that I was really on edge, tired and crabby, and made some coffee and felt a bit better. Sat and Sunday were rainy and icky all day so I know had a lot to do with it too. Over all a good weekend!!

I have one more hurdle to take care of in my personal life and I am not sure how to go about it. I keep putting it off, but I know I need to get rid of a certain person once and for all. (No it is not NN or FN). It is a very unhealthy relationship. I feel strong enough to end it, but when it comes down to it, I just cannot seem to do it. As alone as I am in the relationship, I would be so much more alone without it! It scares me to contiune and it scares me to end it. I have questions I want answered, but not sure I will get them. Should I just say fuck it and ask? Am I ready for the answers?

The funny thing is, is when I was drinking I never would have really thought about this. Everything was implulse....deal with the aftermath later, usually by drinking.

I guess the answer is to just to want better for myself in all areas of my life, not just the drinking. Right?

[StuckinLA]

Giving up....in a good way!

Yeah you don't really want those answers. But I'll be damned if I know how to go about ending things without asking the questions. And believe me, I would, and then I'd get real pissed about it, then I'd be sure to drag out the ending-it-all last blowup fight as long as bloody possible.

Because I'm really bad at ending things. And if you stay mad enough, you can make the ending a really long process. Yeah, the way you're supposed to do it is walk away I guess.

But I'm the guy who just reconnected with the crazy whiskey-girl from this summer, so don't listen to me.

I'm gonna keep throwing random quotes at you, this one more about AA than from AA, and it's in an endnote in Infinite Jest:

"Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it."

So not really letting go at all really. This is your chance to be stronger than that, and to make this whole thing a little easier on yourself. It's been hard enough, why put yourself through any more?

Hugs and hugs

[spacebebe01]

Giving up....in a good way!

Hi Taw, cool weekend with your son, I admire you for camping with him that takes energy.

I think you should ask the questions, get the answers and end it, you say you know you need to end it and its fear holing you back but staying in a shitty relationship can only make you feel like shit (IMHO) I know change is horrible tho and the fear of being alone is worse, but then whne it comes down to it being alone isnt so bad, and youve got you and your son so your not really alone.

And us of course

Lots of hugs and love :l

[redhead77]

Giving up....in a good way!

Do you think that the answers could change your decision on whether to end it or not? I guess what I'm asking is, if he were to answer your questions in a way that you found desirable, would you continue to let the relationship go on? Even though you know it's unhealthy?

And if he were to answer your questions in a way that was undesirable, would it hurt you tremendously?

I'm not sure what the questions are, but in a relationship that isn't healthy, do you really need the answers? Maybe you do. I might.

Not sure that was helpful, Taw, but I mostly wanted to say HI! You went to the zoo, huh? It was hot, wasn't it? I was thinking of taking the kids to the zoo that day too! I decided it was too hot afterall.

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

I work with him so even after I ended it, I would still see him every day. If I ended it and never had to see him again, it would be different. I cannot see him everyday and still wonder "Why...?" or "What...?"

Yes, the answers will hurt me I am sure, but after this long, I cannot wonder anymore. I am sure I am imagining much worse answers than what they really are...and if I am wrong and the truth is worse, then y'all are forewarned that I will be a basket case!!

Maybe there are no answers....that would be just my luck!!

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

Bruun....where are you??????

[redhead77]

Giving up....in a good way!

Taw, that makes sense. I guess it's like closure in a way. Even though it won't be exactly since you still have to see him daily.

And maybe it won't be. Maybe he won't have answers, or want to share them with you. But at least you know you can come here if you're a basket case. It won't matter. You'll still be loved, accepted, and supported just the same. :l

[StuckinLA]

Giving up....in a good way!

Hey maybe not "just the same," you know? It you're getting closure in other places I might have to love and support here with embarrassingly shameless flirtation! Oh, I mean embarrassing for me, you have no idea how many ways I can orchestrate getting shot down

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

Thanks Red and Stuck!!!

Whether or not I get my answers, the most obvious, stinging one is that he did not pick me!

Went for a great run this morning! Feeling really good today for some reason! I think my "pink cloud" has returned! I foget how good running/walking makes me feel. I need to remember to do it more often! Altho, I think I will be ready for a nap here shortly! And only 12 more hours of work to go!

By the way Stuck, how is Whiskey girl? Red, how are YOU doing? Still enjoying "Red Time" with all the kids in school??

Hope everyone has a good day!! :happyheart:

[StuckinLA]

Giving up....in a good way!

OK, sweetie, I'm gonna need you to define "pink cloud" a little more for me. 'Cause I'm envisioning something between a Pride Parade and Lady-Month time. And believe me, those are not 2 images that are easy to keep in mind at the same time! :H

Whiskey girl's all right. We exchanged a couple of emails. I only wanted to apologize for one thing about the way it ended. She said she couldn't "just" be Friends with Benefits with me, and even if we stopped the sex she said she "has enough" friends already. So I said that's too bad, because I don't have enough friends, especially here in LA, but this was really setting her up for a smackdown. Because as soon as she wrote a long thing back, realizing she was being rude and realizing that she did find like a dozen random things she wanted to tell me about during the day, well I just shut her down. And that was wrong of me.

But I was also mad because she'd said she found someone who she really could have a FWB relationship with, so I was like why are you telling me you're going to get laid all the time? Anyway, it's amazing what happens when you're just straight up honest with someone. You tell them how you were wrong, and calmly explain how they were wrong--or at least how what they did affected you negatively.

Pre-bac me would not have done this. I would've cut out the part about her being wrong and just tried to get her back in bed, for my own self-esteem and because I really need to have some of the sex with someone. But no, we exchanged a couple of emails, both agreed that Cosmopolis is a shite film and we're both really pissed off about it, and kind of left it open to a penpal kind of thing. Maybe even a coffee on campus sometime (she works right there) but probably not.

Plus I'm probably meeting my most recent ex next week for a coffee and to catch up. But the real problem is my last ex, the one who's all wrapped around the finger of this d-bag, who treats her slightly better than I did if at all, for the last 2-3 years.

She chose me. Left her husband for me. We were together for 4 years even though I was cheating, she then cheated to get back at me, we were a drunken disaster with an amazing physical/emotional connection. I left her for LA--purposefully applied to schools far from "home" to get away. We still did the long-distance thing for 2 years. Then finally she found this other guy and now she's seriously all about him. That freaking stings. It's ridiculous that I think about it that way, but I do.

Sorry, long story about me, but hopefully there's a few bits in there that are helpful? Or at least now you've got the d-bag guy's perspective--because in these scenarios I'm the real a-hole.

But other than that, I'm great! Just have tons--I mean tons--of work to do and it all has to be done pretty much yesterday. And a class full of bright-eyed students who are already looking a bit like puppy dogs. 9 girls, 5 guys, and they all want to appear super-smart, and they all want to meet for extra office hours and I'm not even supposed to hold office hours this semester because they spend so much individual time with me already, and then one is hanging around after class asking for book recommendations.

Well, should be fun! And I don't know why all this is on your thread, Taw. Maybe I'm hijacking! And I also don't know why I'm using so many exclamation points, it's not that exciting...

So either hang a big piece of construction paper over your door, or just let the plebians witness the glory of your afternoon nap, stuck as they are out there on the other side. :H

[spuddleduck]

Giving up....in a good way!

taw. i have just come here after a long time away and know exactlyu how you feel. i dont know what to say. i just know

[taw]

Giving up....in a good way!

Thanks, Duck!

Stuck, the "pink cloud"....newly sober happy good times....neither of your, um, ideas!! I think it is actaully an AA term...How about this "sober high"? Better?

[StuckinLA]

Giving up....in a good way!

Oh, yes, much better! Though, and not to be a total pain, but I'm gonna need you to define that a little more for me, too ( not really). 'Cause I've never not once felt newly sober happy good times. They sound wonderful, though...

[redhead77]

Giving up....in a good way!

Hi Taw,

Other than being sleep deprived (I've been frequently waking and my middle son is sick right now, so he's not sleeping well) and having continued issues with childcare, I'm doing pretty well.

Edit: I've just erased part of my post. I think it's too early to say anything. I'm going to wait a little longer. I'm superstitious. Lol!

[redhead77]

Giving up....in a good way!

I'm glad you are doing so well, Taw! That you're feeling good today. :l