Hello.
I've dipped my toes in here a couple of times, but I have been paying close attention to baclofen progress threads and wanted to contribute something.
Rather than write a long, meandering story I will give a timeline of the past week and go from there:
9/18/12: Waiting for bac in the mail. I was sober for most of day in anticipation of a date. The date went ok, but the anxiety of meeting her and not drinking until 4:00 sent me straight to the bar. I had 3 margaritas and a confirmed blackout- I do not remember sending texts to my friends that I saw on my phone the next day. Thankfully, I live in a city and walk to my drinking spots.
9/19/12: Horrible hangover, guilt and disgust consume me. My resolve never to drink again lasts, as usual, until 12:00-1:00 as it has been in my unemployed days. The first beer goes down slowly- maybe I can leave it at one to stave off the hangover. Then, the first beer gone, I feel NORMAL again! The guilt and shame from earlier in the day seem so distant as not to be real. A second, third and fourth beer are gone in the next two hours and I am once again drunk on a weekday afternoon. The bac arrives in the mail.
9/20/12: Time for a second stab at bac. Having touched 70mg when my last batch ran out, I decide to start at 100mg. Not having a job, I don't exactly care if I pass out all day or not. An email comes in asking for a phone interview, which I accept. No drinking until after then. I quickly surmise that the person interviewing me is the owner of the small company, and he asks very loaded questions. He sympathized with me leaving my sales job because my personality (and, between us, sobriety) weren't cut out for it. "I'll give you a shot" he says. "You start Saturday, we're not making enough progress on this project so be prepared to work weekends." I jump at the chance. This sounds like an excellent opportunity to get my ass in gear, build a better career path and quit drinking. And what better way to celebrate than 7 beers?
9/21/12: I awake as if from a coma. The combination of the alcohol and bac really did a number on me, and I feel so miserable that only more alcohol will make me feel better. But not before downing 150mg of bac. I journey down to my favorite Mexican restaurant for a margarita. The bartender looks somewhat surprised, this is the first time I've been there on a weekday afternoon. So now, not only do they know I'm an alcoholic but an unemployed alcoholic. No matter, I am far past the point of feeling pathetic. I return home and pass out, the bac has significantly reduced my tolerance and I go into another coma like sleep.
9/22/12: I awake at 2:00 am. Work starts in 7 hours. There is too much anxiety to go back to sleep, so I spend this early morning as I've spent many others- planning for the future with excel sheets. It's usually some financial plan to get my student loans paid off, but now it's bac dosages. 150mg was clearly too much, as was 100mg. However, I think that 50mg would be a good starting point. Since my tabletten (get it?) are 25mg, I could ramp up by 25mg per week until I hit 150 again, which I should be able to do by Halloween. Anecdotally, the switch seems to occur around this point so I'll plan for that and keep ramping up otherwise. I go to my new job. My boss, a foul mouthed old Jew dressed in denim (and, coincidentally, an MIT grad), quickly lays out that this project is of such major importance that I must sign a secrecy agreement. I can't talk about it anywhere, not even on here. I work 8 straight hours and presented my results. He likes my progress and invites me to come back Monday. I arrive home thinking that a six pack and a pizza are exactly what I need. Six pack picked up and pizza ordered, I open my first Sierra Nevada. It disagrees with my stomach slightly and I put it down. Maybe when the pizza arrives it will taste better. But even with the pizza the beer doesn't taste the same- I drink half of it and put it down. It sits, half full, on my desk as I write this the next morning. Granted, I was so nervous and tired that neither food nor alcohol seemed appealing, but I have NEVER not finished a beer before. Time will tell if this is an ongoing trend.
I've dipped my toes in here a couple of times, but I have been paying close attention to baclofen progress threads and wanted to contribute something.
Rather than write a long, meandering story I will give a timeline of the past week and go from there:
9/18/12: Waiting for bac in the mail. I was sober for most of day in anticipation of a date. The date went ok, but the anxiety of meeting her and not drinking until 4:00 sent me straight to the bar. I had 3 margaritas and a confirmed blackout- I do not remember sending texts to my friends that I saw on my phone the next day. Thankfully, I live in a city and walk to my drinking spots.
9/19/12: Horrible hangover, guilt and disgust consume me. My resolve never to drink again lasts, as usual, until 12:00-1:00 as it has been in my unemployed days. The first beer goes down slowly- maybe I can leave it at one to stave off the hangover. Then, the first beer gone, I feel NORMAL again! The guilt and shame from earlier in the day seem so distant as not to be real. A second, third and fourth beer are gone in the next two hours and I am once again drunk on a weekday afternoon. The bac arrives in the mail.
9/20/12: Time for a second stab at bac. Having touched 70mg when my last batch ran out, I decide to start at 100mg. Not having a job, I don't exactly care if I pass out all day or not. An email comes in asking for a phone interview, which I accept. No drinking until after then. I quickly surmise that the person interviewing me is the owner of the small company, and he asks very loaded questions. He sympathized with me leaving my sales job because my personality (and, between us, sobriety) weren't cut out for it. "I'll give you a shot" he says. "You start Saturday, we're not making enough progress on this project so be prepared to work weekends." I jump at the chance. This sounds like an excellent opportunity to get my ass in gear, build a better career path and quit drinking. And what better way to celebrate than 7 beers?
9/21/12: I awake as if from a coma. The combination of the alcohol and bac really did a number on me, and I feel so miserable that only more alcohol will make me feel better. But not before downing 150mg of bac. I journey down to my favorite Mexican restaurant for a margarita. The bartender looks somewhat surprised, this is the first time I've been there on a weekday afternoon. So now, not only do they know I'm an alcoholic but an unemployed alcoholic. No matter, I am far past the point of feeling pathetic. I return home and pass out, the bac has significantly reduced my tolerance and I go into another coma like sleep.
9/22/12: I awake at 2:00 am. Work starts in 7 hours. There is too much anxiety to go back to sleep, so I spend this early morning as I've spent many others- planning for the future with excel sheets. It's usually some financial plan to get my student loans paid off, but now it's bac dosages. 150mg was clearly too much, as was 100mg. However, I think that 50mg would be a good starting point. Since my tabletten (get it?) are 25mg, I could ramp up by 25mg per week until I hit 150 again, which I should be able to do by Halloween. Anecdotally, the switch seems to occur around this point so I'll plan for that and keep ramping up otherwise. I go to my new job. My boss, a foul mouthed old Jew dressed in denim (and, coincidentally, an MIT grad), quickly lays out that this project is of such major importance that I must sign a secrecy agreement. I can't talk about it anywhere, not even on here. I work 8 straight hours and presented my results. He likes my progress and invites me to come back Monday. I arrive home thinking that a six pack and a pizza are exactly what I need. Six pack picked up and pizza ordered, I open my first Sierra Nevada. It disagrees with my stomach slightly and I put it down. Maybe when the pizza arrives it will taste better. But even with the pizza the beer doesn't taste the same- I drink half of it and put it down. It sits, half full, on my desk as I write this the next morning. Granted, I was so nervous and tired that neither food nor alcohol seemed appealing, but I have NEVER not finished a beer before. Time will tell if this is an ongoing trend.
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