RIP - Clearheaded Committed Suicide

[Rainyday]

RIP - Clearheaded Committed Suicide

On the other hand, I had many people thank me for letting them know as they would never have known otherwise.

Guess NOT EVERYONE can ever be pleased.

blood pressure is really shooting up right now.

[stumpy]

RIP - Clearheaded Committed Suicide

Hey Rainy, don't even let that bother you. I for one am very happy that you let us know. Thank you.

[Rainyday]

RIP - Clearheaded Committed Suicide

Thanks Stumpy. I think I'm just in a really poopy mood. I usually don't lash out on forums, but today it just does bother me.

Stressed out about a meeting for work tonight. Have a lot to do get ready for it, and I've been lagging the past few week.

[JP.London]

RIP - Clearheaded Committed Suicide

Hello Xadrian. Trying to do PM to you but new to this and not sure if this will be posted on forum.

[JP.London]

RIP - Clearheaded Committed Suicide

Well that told me!
Can anyone give me any tips how to post a PM?

[stumpy]

RIP - Clearheaded Committed Suicide

Hi JP. I'm no pro at PMing so I just click on my own picture and over to the right corner where it says private message, you click on that, then type Xadrian in and send your message. I hope this helps.

[StuckinLA]

RIP - Clearheaded Committed Suicide

Or click the name/picture of the person you want to PM. After that you can always see if you have a message in the upper right of MWO by where it says Welcome, JP! Or whatever the heck it says there.

[playland]

RIP - Clearheaded Committed Suicide

Rainy, please don't be upset, you were trying to be kind by starting the thread, don't take any unkind remarks into your heart:h

Love,
Play

[JP.London]

RIP - Clearheaded Committed Suicide

Thanks to both of you. I managed it!

[Xadrian]

RIP - Clearheaded Committed Suicide

Although I have been able to give the death of Anna a place now, I still miss her.
I don't know how, but it felt like she was a personal friend of mine, without ever meeting her in real life or even seeing a photograph of her (until I saw the newspaper online, reporting her missing).
I didn't even know if Anna was het real name.

Anyway, she kept a very extensive and detailed blog about her progress and her life, more like a diary then a blog. She decribed every single day. Sometimes she waited a few days posting, but caught up some days later. I replied often and got responses.
She also had a twitter account and was very active regarding the baclofen.


When she suddenly ceased posting, I became afraid something had happened to her and when I found her back on MWO I was relieved. From her posts here, I suddenly understood why she stopped blogging. From very good results around 90 mg of Baclofen, she had increased the dose till 150 mg, which had given her huge side effects, like severe anxiety attacks and becoming suicidal. I don't know how fast she went from 90 mg to 150 mg, but I'm afraid she went up very fast. Otherwise she probably had blogged that higher doses had given her some bad side effects, but no, her last posts were very positive and suddenly her posts ceased.
I'm afraid she was ashamed having promoted the use and benefits of baclofen and was suddenly desillusoned by experiencing bad side effects at higher doses than 90 mg.
In her last weeks, she deleted her blog, so her experiences cannot be read anymore.
All I have left is fragments of her blog, which I have in notification e-mails every time I replied to her posts and of course my memories. But memories will wear off over time, so I will write some stuff down over here, so Anna won't be forgotten.

First of all, Anna was a very intelligent girl and like many intelligent people, she had some difficulties dealing with this world and with her personal situation.

She hated her job (she did something in real estate) and was not happy with the fact that all her friends were married and had a family with children and she was still single. She had some boyfriends but broke up.

Regarding her job, being on baclofen and doing quite well, compared to the pre-baclofen period, she was planning quitting her job overtime and wanted to do a full time study ostepathy. She really had a whish for that and now she was feeling "clearheaded" with baclofen, she wanted to go for it.
Although this would mean she had to sell her flat, which she recently bought, she really wanted to go for the study and applied for the study at 2 different locations. She was admitted for both and chose the best school.
The only thing was, that she was concerned how her mother would feel about leaving her well paid job and selling her flat, trading it for a full time study and renting a room.

When Anna was operated to remove her bunions, she also had mixed feelings about that. She was glad don't having to work for a while, but was experiencing a lot of pain and had trouble walking.

Regarding the baclofen and the effects, she noticed at a certain point that she only drank 2 glasses of wine, of which she left half a glass, which was pretty amazing for her. Before Baclofen, she couldn't understand how people could throw away half a glass of alcohol and now she experienced it herself.
She just couldn't drink as much alcohol as before and when she drank, she drank slower than before.

Anna ordered the baclofen online, because (of course) there wasn't a doctor that would subscribe it to her (where did I hear that before?).
She enjoyed her colleagues that always were gossiping about her being drunk at business parties seeing her drink only 2 glasses or so and keeping control over herself.>When she was depressed, she ordered some ice cream.
She enjoyed cooking when some friends came over.
I remember also some more personal stuff (good, as well as bad) that I will keep for myself.

When she had to go for the surgery of the bunions, she told the hospital that she had been prescribed baclofen for severe back pain, so she could proceed with the baclofen while in the hospital.
Anna knew that quitting baclofen at once was dangerous.
And still later she let the clinic take her off Baclofen within 6 days. She must have been so scared and confused. And four days later she committed suicide.
It is so darn hard for me that I not only predicted severe withdrawal effects but I even predicted the exact day that she would experience those effects. And that I couldn't help her, even when I tried.

How could a girl so optimistic about her future suddenly turn 180 degrees and fall into such a black hole.

Dear Anna, I'm so sorry you didn't make it. I miss you a lot and I will never forget you.

[MaryGoRound]

RIP - Clearheaded Committed Suicide

Xadrian-

Thank you for posting your thoughts. I can only guess how this has affected you and others.

My only contribution is to remind ourselves in this communitiy that we are dealing with a very deadly situatiation. There are many ways that it can mitigated, put-off, denied, rationalized, etc. etc. It can be confusing and mis-understood (even by ourselves). The best we can do sometimes is remind ourselves why we come together as a community. We want to help ourselves and to help others.

[playland]

RIP - Clearheaded Committed Suicide

Mary,
Very True, yes, we are here to help each other and help ourselves along the way. Don't know you but join us on the Topa thread for some friendly company and Easy Chairs.

Love, play

[nurdl]

RIP - Clearheaded Committed Suicide

Xadrian, that was really lovely, your remembrance of Anna. We lost her when I had just started here at MWO. It was such a shock even though I never communicated with her. Thank you for posting again. We should always remember that there is someone out there struggling with problems that may quickly overwhelm them. We should remember to be kind and caring, always.
~n