just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

hi Stuck! i've been saving dishes and laundry for you! and when time comes, i shall name thee "Lucy".

but all madness on a stick (dutch saying), i'm so sorry to hear you're felling depressed too. can imagine the whole thing with the leg, diminishing the bac, and all that, have quite an impact on your overall feeling...

i actually am feeling a bit better now, at 145mg, 150mg.(and having gone up on my anti-d's). less se's, more ground in me to just throw the stuff that bothers me over my left shoulder (is this making sense?).
also working through some heavy problems involving my kind of disturbing youth (ioa growing up in a christian sect. working with groups has always caused problems for me because of that. not that i am causing rows over there, but it's difficult for me to deal with problems arising from working or being with groups) that are emerging again.

i manage to do the stuff that's absolutely necessary (before 4 am, after that i'm lost), but have no energy left for the things that give my life meaning, and perspective: making drawings.
i need some intensity or energy in my guts to do that, and i feel none of that to say the least.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

hi there Stuck.
so sorry you're feeling depressed too..
the problem for me is: i spend all my energy doing the stuff that's absolutely necessary, and when that's done i totally crash. for my second job, i can't always choose the time at which i do it, as it involves appointments with clients.
sometimes, like last thursday, i crash before it's done.

all of this doesn't leave any energy for the thing that's most important to me: making art. i don't know if i would be able to do that, even when i'd have no other obligations, cause i need to feel at least a tiny bit of passion to do that, and i don't feel any right now. i hope this will change in due time, when i'm off al (YES WE CAN!), but for now i just feel completely disinterested in everything.
right now i don't even care that i'm so without any passion. though passion is my livelihood.
i feel amoebalike, just vegetating and hoping the day will be over soon. i don't feel like an artist anymore.

right now i'm trying to find some courage to just do some drawing, even if i'm totally disinterested (it might actually give me something to be so indifferent, as i'm way to much of a perfectionist)
it's saturday, i've been on the couch all day (except for the doggie walks), and i'm fecking bored with everything. tv sucks, i've been plowing through animations (i've made animations myself, and love a specific type of them) in bulk, and have been doing that so extensively over the last week, it's just a way to pass time. seeing all this energy, people doing great stuff, and not feeling more than a twitch of enthousiasm, and still keeping to it, just to pass time. horrible. maybe utter boredom will get me to do something meaningful to me..

i HOPE it will be over come january... i'm still doubting of course if this will work for me...

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

i becoming fucking indifferent to anything but alcohol... (sorry for the cursing. i've watched too much Louis CK and Tarantino. does that sound like a good excuse?)

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Not sure, Jo, but watching Tarantino sounds like an excuse for drinking... :H

Seriously, though, you OK?

So when I was where you are, around 150, I felt amazing--but I was sober when I started bac. I had 60ish days when I hit 150, and it's like clouds parted and the sun shone finally, and then I started drinking of course. So I drank for a while, dropped to 130 and drank more for a while. Then I tried to get up toward 200 for a while, and would get close but then always back off, and so I ended up being in the 170s-180s for a couple months, and I was drinking the whole time. It was pretty miserable.

It wasn't until I got past 200 that I even started cutting back. And finally at 240-250 it was just kind of over. So I'm not sure what to tell you except I hope you're hanging in there. Drinking all the time sucks. It just does and there's no way around that. What else is going on? How's the work-thing? How are you feeling with SEs?

It really can get better.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

i'm so drunk i can't even seem to quote right. i am an asshole.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcXX0LL_oiM[/video]]Frank Zappa - Broken Hearts Are For Assholes - YouTube

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

StuckinLA;1413033 wrote: Not sure, Jo, but watching Tarantino sounds like an excuse for drinking... :H

:H
it's not that i'm a huge tarantino fan, although do i like or love some of his movies. he was just the first one that came up as an excuse for the cursing.
but okay, i just like to curse sometimes. and hey, i'm a drunk, it's not like this is gonna damage my image or something

i'll be fine. the depression is getting lighter, i've managed to drink less yesterday and thursday and not drinking over 15 standard units. man what a difference an extra bottle of wine makes for the day after.
who knows one of these days clouds will be parting and angels singing over here (i'll let you know!).

today might be a good first step to cloud busting: i'm going to visit a 'biodynamic massage therapist'. yep, sounds pretty vague to me too, but i was with her before, years ago, and it really helped. it works from the idea that your body has it's own consciousness & memory (well of course you are your body) and can help to release old rubbish that's still there. something like that. i'm probably getting it all wrong but who cares, as long as it works. good to get some attention to my body. i tend to neglect my body at the moment (which seems unfair, cause it carried me throuigh all these years of heavy abuse). i tend to hide in trenches world war I style and to being hostile to myself and everything around me

so, a day off the couch!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

I hope it was a good day!

I am a bit overwhelmed with work and Thanksgiving preparation at the moment, Jo. I'm sorry I'm not really responding! Hang in. And please keep writing. Trust me when I tell you that there are many, many others lurking and reading who are benefitting from your experience...And the fact that you are willing to share it. Plus, it helps pass the time. I should know! :H
(Tarrantino is a sick fuck. I don't get it. But apparently I'm one of about ten in the universe that doesn't get him. And fuck is my favorite word, bar none. I try to temper that here, a little bit, though. )

[TexasAg]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Hi Jo, how did your visit to the 'biodynamic massage therapist' go?

Cheers!

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

it was goos Tex, thanx. just to give some focus to my body, that i'm neglecting more that i ever have, which is unfair, i know.

i feel there's a part of me that's getting more and more unfriendly everyday. i was always concerned with everyone.
i live in an area where there's lots of people to be concerned about. i started a series of portraits of people in my neighborhood, the turkish grocer around the corner, the maroccan neighbor who' s wife had a stroke about ten years ago and has since then visited her 3 times a day (he thinks a single woman like me would be suffering for man like him, or any man as a matter of fact. the 25 year old's on the other side, different nationality, seem to have the same idea. whereas i'm not ever going to start anything while i'm still with AL.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

poop! sorry got completely lost in my story.
there was a point i was trying to make!

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

How're things, Jo? I want to start off a whole bunch of sentences with 'hopefully' but instead I'll just stick to asking how you are.

All my best, love.

:l:l:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

What he said! ^^^

What's news?

:l

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

hi guys 'n gal, owwww thanks...

i'm okay. the massage on sunday was good. good to get some attention to my body. i found i really should be way more caring to myself and respectful towards the process i'm in. i find that difficult though! i tend to feel quite disgusted by myself, and my body right now.
anyway, i've made another appointment in one and a half weeks.

the rest of the week, i don't have to go anywhere, only a study meeting on saturday. feels so good to have some space (still work to do, but i can do that at my own pace and without having to meet people).
i slept till 11am this morning... and woke up feeling at ease, even felt a twinkle of passion in my guts while walking my dog, and a passion for drawing! let's see if it comes to that today, but it's so great to feel some life in me!

haven't done anything yet really, and now first i'm gonna clean up some of the mess over here (man, alcoholism keeps you quite busy, making mess, cleaning up, making a mess again, etc.).
the covers on my couch are deteriorating rapidly: wine stains, cigarette burns. when i'm out of this, i'll take the first money i save by not drinking (man, it costs me so much money, the booze, and i'm not making enough these days, cause i can't do that much work right now) and buy me some new covers.

still managing to not get into massive amounts of booze, keeping it under 15 units a day (i know, that's heavy alcoholism as it is, but it's so much better than above 20, especially with the se's). i'm gonna try and reduce the drinking, but really slow, so i don't scare the alcohol monster too much and cause it to throw a tantrum and dive into binges.

things are getting clearer to me, like where all my anger and fear comes from.
in therapy, we used a lot of psychosynthesis, which (oa) means you work with different 'sub personalities' that embody different aspects of you.
my addiction is one of these, i've named it "Slavinkje" (i can't translate that) and she is an adolescent (i started drinking when i was abut 14 and about that time i thought when i grew up i wanted to be a junkie. it felt like the only way i would be able to stand living, and dying. i did that, turned to heavy drugs when i was 19 and was heavily hooked for 4 years, then managed to quit that, had a few relapses since then, but they didn't last. only alcohol lasted).
i think my anger might be the angry Slavinkje, that's saying hey you fuck, you're taking away the only thing that holds me together!!!! and she's just enraged by that, feels completely let down and just refuses to go on like this. so scared of what will happen without booze. (i find my english is flawing me here)

i hope you're not throwing up right now, because it sounds so corny
i was so reluctant to start with this sub personality stuff, it gave me the creeps (sounded like 'taking care of your inner child' and stuff, iiew!)

anyway, some cleaning to do!

hope all you guys are having a great day. don't know exactly when thanksgiving is, we don't have that over here (thank god! ), i'll look it up.
hugs to you all

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

"Thanksgiving Day in the United States is a holiday on the fourth Thursday of November. It precedes Black Friday."

Black Friday???

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

joanna_d;1414414 wrote:

Black Friday???

The day after we spend being thankful for all that we have, and having all that we need, we go out and spend great gobs of money that we don't have on things we don't need! It's a great American oxymoronic tradition.

I don't miss my 14yo Slavinkje at all. I bet you won't either.