just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Hey there, Jo. Feeling lost is really totally normal, because there isn't a map and it is different for everyone, which sucks for sure. But you're doing it right--that is, you're going up. And you're definitely getting up there now, but keep in mind that, again while it is different for everyone, a lot of people tend to find their switch somewhere around 250ish. For me it was 240, Ne was at 320, and yes, people have gone higher. Sometimes people do find it on the way down; they get to a point where they simply can't take the SEs and start to decrease the dose, and then find that they don't really care about drinking. But it doesn't sound (to me) like you're there yet since you're still finding an escape in drinking.

I'm sure I'm completely wrong about this, but I think of the GABA receptor kind of like a gas (petrol?) tank. You can fill it up with bac and/or with booze, but when it's full you'll know. I started having a hard time deciding what to buy at the liquor store, even though I almost always drink the same thing. I'd go to the bar and grade student essays like usual, but suddenly realize it had taken me two hours to drink a single beer. And that was all still pre-switch. So it's different for everyone, but there are some fairly common signs to look for. And when you feel, not think or know or want, but really feel like you're sick and downright tired of drinking you'll decide to try taking a day off. Or you'll try drinking and not really be able to, like you know you want to get drunk, and you know that the beer in front of you is the way to do it, but somehow the brain doesn't make the connection that you have to drink the beer fairly quickly and you'll just let it sit there after a few sips. Or you'll just entirely forget to drink one day.

You'll get there!

:l

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

hi you all,

just for documentation purposes:

i've become hypersensitive to anything (sound, light, touch, mostly everything) over the last few days.
it grew over the last few weeks, and really got troubling last wednesday, when i suspected it was a result of the hangover from drinking over 25 units the night before, but it hasn't reduced since then.
when my dog barks, it's like someone's wheeling a chainsaw inside my brain. but even my own voice, or doing the dishes, are quite horrible.
don't know if it's a baclofen (paired with alcohol) se, or if it's my HSP (more info about that here. it fits me, although i wouldn't consider myself a shy person and all).

muscle tension. when i get my attention to my body, i notice all my muscles are tense. my thoughts are all over the place, constantly repeating conversations etc. might be a result of the hypersensivity.

bad sight. i need reading glasses to read, but even then reading is very tiresome.

short of breath / breathing frighteningly shallow

i'm living in a haze. even the insides of my moth 'n nose are sour.

called in sick for the study meeting today. thought driving a car would be dangerous right now, and also i'm not able to keep my mind on any job right now, leave alone a whole day.

if this continues for too long, i'm fucked.

on the other hand: i have the feeling i'm close... although i'm reluctant to say it aloud. things are changing.

[Xadrian]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Didn't know you're a high sensitive person. I'm too.

At the end of each day, I'm freaking tired of all the information that comes in, because I can't close myself from certain things.

In the afternoon, when my wife talks to me, the cats are miauwing, the washer is doing it's cycle, the TV is on and the telephone rings at the same time, I'm getting CRAZY!!
Too much impressions at the same time.

I also have a thing with mirrors that are attached to columns in certain stores. I can't stand those things. My brain is going mad.

But so much about myself.
Sorry to hear about the man with the chainsaw in your head when your dog is barking.
I hope it will disappear soon.

Good to hear you suspect to be near the switch. Way to go!

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

i was never formally diagnosed as such, but not long ago i spoke to a friend (kinda) who's a psychotherapist and gives trainings for people who are hsp i asked her about her trainings and she said "nooo kidding?!! you a highly sensitive?!!". it's kinda overt i guess. while, as i said, i'm not a shy or held back kind of person.)

long ago i was diagnosed with ptsd and anxiety disorder, and a compulsive disorder as side effect of that, but i think these things have all been done with. at least: when i'm not drinking, or drinking moderately, it turns out i deal with things (i know that from the months i've been sober, for instance when on antabus, or during a meditation training and the weeks after).
my drinking IS most of the problem for me.
i feel that maybe the sensitive thing might be showing itself in it's full now, although i do hope (and expect) it will diminish in time. it's also the baclofen, and the feeling of loosing my armour.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

oww, i was reading cookinghappy's thread about stopping baclofen, cause it's so much decreased the quality of her life... maybe not the best thing for me to do right now... it's different for everyone Jo!! (i'm talking to myself through a forum now. how wanky is that?)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Hi, Jo!
Sorry it's been so long! Family went home yesterday and the recovery (from Thanksgiving feasts and family) has begun. Whew!
Thanks for the Thanksgiving wishes... It really is a wonderful holiday.

joanna_d;1416480 wrote: ... but i think these things have all been done with. at least: when i'm not drinking, or drinking moderately, it turns out i deal with things

...
i feel that maybe the sensitive thing might be showing itself in it's full now, although i do hope (and expect) it will diminish in time. it's also the baclofen, and the feeling of loosing my armour.

That was my experience. I'd only been diagnosed with pretty ambiguous, or in retrospect very obvious things. Depression. Well, of course! I was a drunk! ADD. Yep. But of course! (Though it's pretty clear in sobriety--especially after a long-ish time at it--that this one is pretty accurate. The difference is that now I really embrace it. And medicate it when I don't have time to do too many things. It seems to be working... Anyway!) The point, I guess, is that what was wrong with me was the quantity of booze. The rest? Pretty normal-ish. Booze changes everything. And no booze changes everything. In a way I couldn't wait to find out who I was going to be without it, since I'd never successfully been without it. I figured I would finally be whole, instead of full of holes. Does that even make sense?

I am pretty sensitive, too, whatever that means. I think the process, for those who really "get it" and get into it, is extremely introspective and thoughtful. Frankly, the ones that miss out on this part, miss out on the goal. (In my opinion. And my therapist's opinion, as well. But also based on reading lots and lots of things here.)

I also think that baclofen made me highly sensitive. To everything. I realized that I needed to be very careful about what I was taking in. (In many ways I still do this.) I tried to look at things analytically (why didn't it work for someone else and what can I do differently?) But then even that was too hard and I internalized everything in a way that was definitely related to altered-brain-chemistry. :H

So yeah, maybe reading where others are making different choices (that might be perfectly fine for them, but aren't what you're looking for) isn't the best idea right now. You probably heard in AA something about sticking with the people who have what you want...I wanted happy sobriety! Contented sobriety! I still do. And so far so good. (I'm sure we all want this, right? But I know from too many years of therapy and soul searching that it takes work and focus, this being happy thing...)

Eyes on the goal, sister, because you're just about there. :l

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

thanks Ne, glad to hear you had such a nice thanksgiving!!

i thought about it, and found there's really nothing more i can do than continue and keeping faith (although i have this fantasy sometimes, about you all sitting in a bar in new york or wherever, maybe LA, drinking and laughing your ass off while you write replies to me :H ).
if i'd quit now, i'd never know what it would be like if or when (i'm placing my bets on "when") i hits me, and i couldn't do more than try again, cause that's me.
i find it's doable when there's no outside requirements. today, just me and my dog (not barking today. if someone'd have the nerve to ring my door bell today i'm gonna trow a flower pot out of the window, and a bucket of water, with the bucket), doing the dishes, laundry and finding a strange peace in doing things to take care of myself.
i guess what i'm learning right now is to put caring for me in the first place, and not worry about what others might think, what others want of me, etc. being able to decide what energy i want to take in and what energy i want to block (which is a lot: the people of the study meeting yesterday, some very worried about me now, some thinking should we throw her out? the raving madman with the dog that wrote me a letter that's so maddening. wrote him a very clear and final note back. my father acting up again. he is a topic in itself).

the thing about being whole instead of being full of holes makes a lot of sense to me Ne, it's a beautiful way of putting it.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

I find it really disconcerting, and often even disturbing, that my therapist thinks I'm a good person. Healthy. Normal. Whole.
I find myself coveting her approval and working toward that end, sharing what the highest and best parts of me thinks/feels/sees. Then I freak out and think, "HELP! I'm not...that! I can't/won't..."

Just life, I guess. Maybe just for those of us that "Think Too Much." (That should be on my stone--"She thought too much." Possibly followed with: "And it didn't really matter, after all." ??? :H:H

That little ditty that crossed my mind this morning made me think of you and WindyCityLady.

So what's news?

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

:H i think i'd be rather healthy and whole once i'm off the booze. "normal" is a word that will probably (and hopefully) never fit me.
thinking too much, i have no idea what that would be like!
when i wake up in the morning, nowadays i lie in bed for at least half an hour (i wonder how long i would keep lying there if it wasn't for my dog. every morning i feel like a truck drove over me back and forth the whole night. i should put a camera in my bedroom to see what's going on over there!), eyes closed and thinking thinking thinking all this nonsense.
i'm rethinking things i said and wrote, just stupid. this goes on all day right now if i don't pull a stop to it by shifting to what's actually happening around and inside me. guess hanging ruond on the couch does this to a person, though i tend to be in my head a lot always, too much. that's why meditation is so good for me (which i don't do right now. i feel too weird).

well, 200mg right now. se's are heavy of course. i can't stand talking on the phone, 'cause the metallic like voice in there gives me a headache. not to mention other noises. even my own voice . it's like i feel sounds and lights inside my head.
just drove an hour to find out the person i had an appointment with couldn't make it. have to drive back now, again those terrible car lights. rhhaaaa!

visited the massage therapist again, and man, the feelings in my body right now. i'm so sensitive, the touch of a shoe or whatever almost feels like pain. good going there. going back next week, as i'm really benefitting from it.

but i'm hanging in there. taking care of myself as good as i can. though i have a problem eating again also. yesterday i felt so sick in the stomach, i didn't eat anything, except for some smoothies. thank god for the blender that worthless ex boyfriend gave me!

at the same time i'm noticing some changes, that render me hopeful. for instance my dog is improving all of a sudden (since last week), he can walk off leash again, is interested in me more that in other things, is more self assured. this must be a mirror of something changing within me.
also i'm shifting my attention from others to myself. i'm not so open to everything anymore, which in my case is good. i'm paying more attention to what i want or need, than to what others might want or need or think of me.

i'm still drinking (like a sailor), but yesterday i left 2 beers in the fridge cause i thought i just had about enough (which was more than true).

so. i'm just continuing on this exact road.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

by the way: that blender leaks of course.

and by the second way: being so much in your head is not handy when it comes to doing art stuff (well, maybe if you are a conceptual artist). thats's one of the reasons i got into drinking (and a long time ago: hard drugs) so heavily on a daily basis.
but i think i'm now inside my head more because of the drinking. it's this strange mechanism, biting it's own tail in all sorts of ways.

also, i;ve started reading a book by Jan Geurtz about addiction, hoping it maybe helps me get through this better and with more understanding.

and i promised a friend, who knows about my baclofen thing, i would send him a drawing everyday... christ, so now i have to make one...

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

i'll have to rethink the text on my stone. it always was "she couldn't stand on her feet anymore" (why doesn't this work in english??!!! i need to get specialized in english expressions now that i'm on this forum. i hate it when my language fails on me)

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

more by the ways: i actually think i tirated too quickly last week, because of the switch from 10mg to 25mg pills and my current tendency toward confusion. a few nights, when i was drinking, i didn't realize what i was doing with upping...

so now i'm sticking to the 200mg till it settles in a bit.

[TexasAg]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Hi Jo, just catching up on your posts. The thing about being sensitive, seems IMO, to be a common trait of us alkies. The arguments in my head got pretty intense for a while. I'm looking forward to finding out who I am without alcohol. And I'm looking forward to you having AF days. Leaving beers in the fridge is BIG. That's how it started for me. I had added pressure from home to abstain completely so I would white knuckle a few days but I always had the craving. It wasn't until Bac kicked in that I wouldn't think about the beers I was leaving in the fridge. So leaving beers voluntarily is a very good sign.

Cheers!

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

hi Tex, good to hear from you. how's your back now? so sorry to hear (other thread) that you're not feeling well...

i guess i'm doing okay. my eyes are narrow and totally swollen today, i feel like the hunchback of notre dame (out of water), cause my father threw a drama again yesterday and now says he doesn't want anything to do with me and my brother.
i cried my eyes out yesterday. he'd made a rhyme to tell us this. he's so painful to me, knowing he must be so lonely, but inside his own prison of hatred and fear and hostility towards everyone. everytime i try to get a connection with him (haven't seen him for almost 10 years, the contact we have is through email) at a certain point it breaks into a drama like this. he just can't stand other people, really. he has a narcissistic and a bipolar personality disorder.

se's are lessening fortunately, so i don't feel like a spaced out freak anymore. only very tired. i managed to take some care of me today, that's all that really matters now.

tried some drawing yesterday because of the promise i made to a friend of mine, but it was kind of frustrating. i don't have any focus right now, the connection between brain and hand is hardly there. and no passion what so ever. i guess all energy is going to the process in my brain. it's cooking in the oven of my skull with a spicy gravy of gaba and alcohol (and more gaba). it actually does feel like my brain is cooking up there!

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Hi there, Jo. So sorry to hear about what's going on with your dad. That just sounds awful on every level. And sorry to hear about how the drawing is going... Any chance you can make the lack of focus and the barely-there connection between hand and brain the point of your work right now? As far as experiences go, you're in the midst of an extremely rare one: taking HDB to cure an "incurable" disease. It's something that very few people have done, but will hopefully be more common in the future.

Guess I'm just thinking about all the recovery narratives I've read over the years... I didn't read them because I was trying to recover, but just because I read a lot. But you know, most of what's out there art-wise is just these stupid Oprah-stories where they almost never talk about what it's really like to get better. OK, maybe I'm just rambling, but I for one would be really interested in seeing a visual expression of what HDB is like--and I was on it, so imagine what someone who has no experience of it might think...

So don't worry about the laundry and dishes that are piling up, I'll be over to clean up soon , and keep taking care of you.

:l