just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Flyby from me. I'm *listening* though.

This is my favorite meditation, bar none:

Lovingkindness (Metta) Meditation | On Being

I know there's a straight mp3 of it, but I can't find it offhand. This might be it:
Lovingkindness (Metta) Meditation with Sylvia Boorstein on Vimeo

And there's a ton of stuff by Jon Kabat-Zinn that is free and available online. I'll see if I can unearth some of what I have. I still listen to them, but 30-40 minutes is a lot harder to find than 7.5! :H

I've got more for ya', in terms of the really incredible space/place you're in. I'm a bit envious. Does that surprise you? Or maybe nostalgic is a better word. I don't, after all, want to do it again! (For the love of all things, once is WAY WAY more than enough. I figure you'd agree. )

so. I guess it sounds (reads) to me like you are just right there. Right here. In the moment. Just...experiencing this thing which is so incredibly transformative. (I can see eyes rolling and heads shaking and people just pffffffffffffft with all my hippy-chick stuff. But whatevs. I dig it. You might too. )

Peace sister.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Which is not to dismiss what is happening with your father, or the fact that you feel as though your brain is cooking. Which is why I haven't written anything here responding to your posts directly. I don't mean to be flippant and I feel as though I too often am these days around here. Or worse, can't give my posts the thought they need before I post them so that they actually make sense (without writing a page and a half for explanation. Which I am now doing again. )

I am very sorry that you are struggling with what is going on with your dad. And even more sorry for (sad for, really) him.

I am also sorry that you are...cooking. Which makes me grin.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

hi both

Ne, no eyes rolling over here, or heads shaking. i like that thought of you. and i am feeling it's a pretty amazing thing that's happening!
and the cooking brain is something i can giggle over. man walks into the kitchen, asking "hey momma, what you got cooking? it's a human brain dear, of the female persuasion" etc

and of course the thing with my father is very hurtful in all kinds of ways. it brings back very old pain, cause this was how he has always been, probably worse when i was little. but the place i'm at right now, cooking on the couch , is a good place to work through that stuff. i'm having my own private extensive therapy over here!

thanks for the loving kindness meditation. the title kind of gives me the creeps right now (you know, that 14 year old stuff saying yeah loving *puke sign* kindness )
maybe metta is a bit far fetched for me right now, but i'll sure give it a try (you're right, 45 mins is too much for me right now. not counting my in-bed-sessions-after-waking-up-with-a-church-bell-on-my-face)
that sounds strange "i'll sure give it a try". should that be "surely"?

i'll keep trying Stuck (not pushing)! yes, i might be clinging to some negative beliefs saying i can't draw when i'm feeling this weak.
why not just enjoy it?
maybe that's a parallel qaao with my drinking while drawing: i can't daw lile this, i need a drink (probably more that one) tp get me going. i do think it could be interesting to give it a try and just let go of all expectations. so thanks for your reply to that!

today one appointment (hope she won't cancel after i've already driven there, like last week)
and now: back to my addiction book. it makes a lot of sense to me! don't know if there's an english translation of it.

:l

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

what a horror again, this traveling business...
fortunately my appointment did show up, but the roads back home were blocked because of some horrible accident that had happened. so i left my car in Utrecht and took a train home, which is terrible in the state i am right now, feeling i've lost all my defenses (phisically and mentally). the lights in the trains, all those people around me, the feeling i was gonna faint while sitting down, or throw up, or loosing it completely.

sooooo glad to be home now...

[TexasAg]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Hi Jo, how's it going? Glad to hear you made it home ok. Are you still on 200mg?

Hadn't heard from you today so just sending a shout out.

Cheers!

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

hi Tex, thanks for asking, it's kind of comforting.

actually i've been feeling rather depressed again. it's a combination of things i guess.
don't feel up to anything really.

don't know if you read that, but a few weeks ago when i was feeling really depressed i upped my anti-depressant a bit, and then after a few days went back down again cause i was afraid it would interfere with the baclofen thing. (don't know if i wrote about going back down over here, cause i felt a bit embarrassed about it ) now i'm thinking maybe it would be good to go up that bit again.

Ne, what where your thoughts about anti-depressants and baclofen? i'm certainly not gonna do it without giving it some serious thinking first.

i read somewhere that gaba affects your other neurotransmitters, like dopamine. they are somewhat repressed by gaba. so upping the anti-depressants will have an influence on the baclofen use vice versa.
i wish i could just be free of all responsibilities (there aren't so many, i don't have kids or anything, and i'm working so little right now it's starting to give me money problems) until this is over. then i think i could cope with this.

i've been on 212.5mg for a few days now. and sticking with it at least until sunday. have a two day study meeting coming up again (friday and saturday) arrrrgh!
and today i have to go pick up my car, that i left in utrecht on monday cause the roads where blocked. frustrating, this will take me 3 hours (train there, car back). sorry for complaining so much. i feel like an old nagging granny.

hope you're doing okay Tex!!

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

I'm not about to be a cheerleader or anything, but 210ish is getting to be right there, Jo. I don't know what to say about the AD, but you just be sure to take real good care of yourself. The switch is there, right there, and it's only a matter of staying the course and fighting through everything--the anxiety that it's not there, the SEs, the drinking and the SEs that come from drinking--so just keep at it and it's there waiting for you.

I'm not much good at anything but me me me these days, but love and hugs and just know that we're all here for you. Which sounds so clich?d and lame... But go get the car and know that all of this confusion is just a small part of the process. Or something...

Big hugs.

:l:l:l

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

i was just about to delete the part about the AD's!!!!
didn't think anyone of you would be awake right now.

i'm not going up on the anti-d's. i'm just gonna continue doing this, and be careful about it. maybe the se's will diminish again in a few days. maybe i'm pushing myself too much by going up the day after i feel se's are doable again.
i'm still drinking over 15 standard glasses a day... it's also because i feel so low right now i guess. kind if ironic, isn't it?

:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Not awake? Ha! I was up for an hour before you posted. Not sure why, as I have nothing to do this morning and the irony is that I'm still running late.

So. The AD. Yeah. That's not gonna help. Plus, there is reason to be very, very wary of those things. (This is not a generalization for the population as a whole, and if you're lurking and reading this and your doctor told you to take an AD, please do not take some anonymous internet post as reason to not take or stop your medications.) (That doesn't include you, Jo. You know me. sorta. :H)

Holy cow you're a woman of steel or a glutton for punishment. Or both! Ha! I get it. Sooo. Sucks about the car. Sucks about the depression, too. But Stuck is right. Just keep plugging along. That said, hmmmm.
What're the chances you can give up the sauce for a day? In a positive, powerful, productive way. Not in a sitting-on-the-couch wanting nothing more than to make it to the fridge for a drink, kind of way. Here's the reason I ask: Thanksgiving 2010 we hosted the dinner and I don't drink around family (even now) because it would completely freak them out. (Plus, I never drank around anyone. That was not the point!) So I had a couple of days that I didn't/couldn't drink during the day and by the time everyone went home, I was too tired (and bac'd out) to really drink. It was my first reprieve. And the first real glimpse I had that the stuff works and I was headed in the right direction.

If I knew then what I know now I would have told me to Not Drink. Especially in January, when I was a little bit higher than you are, absolutely miserable, freaking out and ready to quit. (I would have quit, except a couple of people told me I should quit. That was enough to make me go on! 'cause, well, eff 'em. No way was I giving up! Sound familiar?) Also, quitting would have meant a slow titration down and back into the oblivion of slavery. Wasn't going to happen.

Here's the other thing: I had an exam yesterday, and spent the two days prior studying for it. Not eating well, smoking way too much, not sleeping well, very little exercise. I was also erratic with when and how much bac I took, so I essentially took more in the last two days than I had taken for the previous 3.
Last night I had a glass of wine with dinner. This morning my head hurts. It's not just the wine, of course. I'm probably dehydrated, and definitely discombobulated. But it doesn't change the fact that bac+booze=badness. It hurts.

Mind you, when I was titrating up I was pretty insistent that this stuff was going to work in spite of what/how much/when I was drinking. And it does. But it hurts.

Don't worry about withdrawals. And if you can't, or don't want to, I get it. No judgement. But you will feel MUCH better.

Gotta run. Thanks for the shout out on the other thread.
:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

One more thing.

Look for it. The switch. The fact that the "something" is gone. It is very hard to see it through the fog of booze (in my not so humble opinion.)

There is something about the way bac worked (for me) that changed everything. Things (like the car situation) that used to happen to me all the time simply stopped happening. That's true even now. I'm not the only one that has experienced this. And what's more, when stuff does happen, it simply doesn't have the same affect/effect. Look for that too. It is super-cool.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

i'm working on that, investigating about why it's so hard for me to just let it go.
the depressedness is also because of the stuff that's been happening with my father.

more irony: i'm drinking the beer brand i drank for years and years, but at a certain point i stopped that, cause it's so heavy and gets you drunk real fast. now i'm drinking it again, cause i don't like other beers anymore (switch nearing?), and red wine makes me throw up. and when i start drinking, i just go on until i'm drunk (strangely drunk of course, because of the bac). a six pack of that beer equals 18 standard glasses. that's what i put away on average days. other days, like yesterday, i got 3 more at the night shop. left one in the fridge (yeeey) cause i thought i just about had enough. which i had of course. most people would fall apart after drinking 4 of those beers (most people way earlier).

maybe i should at least forbid myself to drink that beer, and try it with i don't know, ros?wine or something. i'll do that. if i can keep it at one bottle of wine, that's already half way down. and it's a change in the habitual part.

but not feeling like drinking other beers is a step in the right direction, isn't it?

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

okay! i'll look for
it would be a good change, cause this morning (bed session ) i realized i was thinking so much about negative things, it's no wonder i feel depressed. and my moods change, i know that from what i'm posting over here, so it would be stupid to up my AD's.

i'm thinking of procrastinating the car pick up till tomorrow. i can. and then today i'll take some good care of myself. make a salad or something, make a drawing, read the addiction book, drinking that last duvel that's in the fridge from last night ("duvel" is a dutch word for "devil") and switching to ros?wine.

[Xadrian]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

I used to get drunk from 1 beer. Mostly the 12th or the 13th or so.

Jo, do you think you could leave the booze for just 1 day, so you could see what happens and find out if you really, really HAVE to drink the poison?
You can always drink the day after, if you really cannot do without it.
It helps a lot if you don't have alcohol at home if you planning to stay sober for 1 day. And be sure you have enough non-alcohol that you like at hand.
Buy some chocolate, ice-cream, cookies, potato chips to reward yourself and rent a good movie.
Convince yourself you're a strong woman and can do a day without the devil in the bottle. It's just for a day. You'd be amazed how different you feel the following day.

But: Only if you want, of course.

Take care

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

THANKS ALL OF YOU!!!! you're helping me so much!!! after writing over here today, i've already snapped out of my feeling of hopelessness.

i'm trying to get to that point Xadrian. maybe if i do it, it won't even be that hard.
but won't it be dangerous to get of AL all of a sudden, from top intake, to zero? i'll start today by buying ros?wine. if i drink that (and keep it to one bottle max) for a few days, coming off wont be that rigid

[Lo0p]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Awake in California and I've no idea why.