just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

[satz123]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

joanna_d;1395977 wrote: you bet i'll be checking your thread now!

ah that's so good to hear, and also what Neva wrote, that almost everyone was drinking when they got here. although i do feel like a friggin' idiot, having wasted yet another night of my life and walking my dog just now hoping not to bump into someone (thank god for sunglasses).
i have to still get used to posting my shit here, that's part of the dork feeling.

i'm probably not the only one that's been afraid of being the only one the pills won't work for.

by the way, what does JKTTGDP mean? (i'm dutch)

Joanna - you'll get there. Stick with it - it will happen. :l

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

i will!! i'm having fantasies about the day when i'll be bumping into people in the streets and look great and feel proud.

but right now damn, the hangovers are getting terrible!

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

ehm, if you throw up within an hour after the last dose, should you take it again?

(i hope i'm not overdoing it with my posts here..)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Just wait! Holy COW! You will not believe the difference in how you look. It's amazing. I love going back to where my parents live now--I lived there for a decade in my early 20s and I LOVE running into people I used to know. I can't really see it in myself but they certainly see it. I can definitely see it in my husband. It's not the weight he lost (effortlessly, the buzzard) it's the bloated, bleary, bloodshot he left behind. Holy cow. He's hot!

You're not the only one, Jo. Not by far and not with any of this.
(By the way, I wore my 12 year old dog out. Seriously! When I was titrating up I started running a block or 6 every day. It really, really helped with the SEs and clearing my mind. She finally had enough and started limping. I still feel a bit guilty about it.) (And no. I don't run at all anymore, much preferring too many cigarettes.)

I hope you stop having hangovers soon. They suck.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

yes they do. today was very bad. i tried to read some threads here, but couldn't read or think. so i vacu?med and did the dishes, just to do something (with nice side effects) and then watched louis theroux documentaries.

a long time ago i started 'treating' my hangovers with alcohol. of course, this is when it gets to be a nice destructive circle.
i've managed to wait `till 5 pm (now) with my first drink, and what kind of helped: i couldn't go to the shop before 4pm, because i was afraid of throwing up.
i'm worried about this spiral. it might get me to keep on drinking after i've reached my switch?

yes i know how much better i look when off alcohol. i had a few sober periods, last year i had one month on antabus and later two months, trying that again (but still feeling so sick from the antabus) and it felt so great, being able to visit people, going downtown, and not feeling ashamed of the state i was in (but instead: proud!)

there are some people who really thrive on my looking like shit (well, i may exaggerate this looking like shit bit, but i know i look so much better when not drinking..), and like talking about me behind my back.
i'd love to take their 'weapon' away and have them look at themselves for a change. i know this is not right, i shouldn't bother about these sorry people who thrive on other peoples misery (i've never done them any wrong), but i do.

(my dog would love to run with me i think! he's a young and very energetic guy. i feel guilty about not getting him enough excercise, though most days i walk with him for at least 2 hours, devided in 3 walks. also not good for him, me being unstable etc)

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

i could just cry all day now. i feel that when my mother texts me how i'm doing and when i give attention to my feelings. (i gave her the link to this forum by the way - or rather, the link to the sweet success thread, to have her read something more about baclofen). after a lousy start, she got to be one of my dearest friends and a huge support to me. so happy to have her in my life)
maybe i should quit working till i'm finished with this. i feel so bad about doing my tricks (that's how it feels right now) while secretly feeling such a mess.

i hope i'm not overdoing my posts here. i'm already sorry (feel like an attention seeker) for startng this thread, while i see now i just could have replied to one if the existing threads

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

No way, chica! This is your space, and you can do whatever you damned well please with it. Play around a little on the other threads if you like, without derailing or hijacking anything, and that's great too, but it's really important to have your own place. People can read or... not.

Just hang in there. Tricks? Isn't that what we're all doing every day, just trying to act normal? You'll be fine--fake it 'till you make it.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

i've been reading through some of the conversation between you and Texas and it feels so heart warming to me how you people that are off of this shit (not only you two of course, but also Neva Eva, LoveLife, and everyone) are still putting so much effort into supporting me and others, trying to reach the same stage as where you are.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

We all started in the same place. And we all had help.

It's a good thing to have a thread. It's a good thing to dabble in other threads. And it's perfectly normal to be self-conscious about posting. I wish I still was. I'd have less to say and be better at saying it. Ah, well. It is what it is.

Hangovers suck, but self-loathing is worse. You could just keep reminding yourself that it will soon be a thing of the past, pick yourself up and do the next thing. Be gentle! You have earned some gentle-ness.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

picked myself up some.

i think last weekend before i started this thread, i got into a desperate state, identifying with my alcoholism completely, and all my other sources and sides just seemed out of reach.

i think i've tried so hard to keep my head up high since i quit the treatment at the addiction clinic (ambulatory/visiting, not being inside, you know what i mean?), because it just didn't do anything for me.
i got a new therapist then, a really great one, and i hoped to find my own way of getting out of this menace without the for me useless default addiction programms.
i did do an intake at another programm last june, that gave me a much better impression at first, but then turned out to be same old same old. when i told them i wouldn't enter their programm, they treated me like a hopeless addict that doesn't want to take the effort to heal.
i think i wanted to prove to everyone that i'm not a hopeless addict, and i will get out of this, only not in their way.
and holding my head up high when people ask me how i am, out of shame, and out of fighting pirit.

i've had a lot of stress this summer, having a solo-exhibition at a great gallery. working for it gave me a lot of anxiety, i'm not good enough!!!, they'll find out what a lousy artist i really am when they see the show!! (and a lot of times drinking to lessen the anxiety, and meanwhile destroying some of the work, because i was too drunk to work attentively or too anxious).
it all went well (shame though, the work i messed up after days and days, sometimes weeks, of working on it up in the last stages of finishing it, just because of my anxiety and/or drinking).
during the show and the presentations, i had a week where i experienced myself as i would like to be:falling in place with myself (i hope you understand this, it's probably not an english expression), no anxiety, just being me and being fine with that.

got back from the show a moth ago, and after a week (first wanted to recover from my jet lag) started seriously taking the baclofen. hoping so much of it.
i just broke down when i found i started drinking even more after the first two weeks.
i felt like a lost child over the last week.

last sunday, or rather saturday evening maybe, i realized this, and also realized i've got more in me than this desperate child. i started to practice mindfulness again (do you know about that? Jon Kabat-Zinn etc), and getting in touch with the strength i have, besides the desperation.
i decided to try and start diminishing my alcohol intake.

thursday oct 18th 85mg baclofen 6 normal beers (33cl) 3 belgian beers (8,5%)
friday oct 19th 85mg baclofen 6 normal beers, 4 belgians (and the hangover of the century the next day)

saturdag oct 20th: 90mg; 6 beers, 2 belgians
sunday oct 21th: 90mg 4 beers, 2 belgians
monday oct 22th: 90 mg 4 beers, 2 belgians (i'm not there yet, i have the second belgian in the fridge and am drinking the first one now. kind of positive i will make it with this again, but you never know. have to be careful not to be to positive now, and than after posting this, feeling i have to destroy it because i am a loser anyway and i'll probably mess uo anyway - or something like that).

i have had side effects the last few days:
i think that terrible hangover i had last saturday may be caused by the combination of baclofen & booze
feeling stoned-like and thoroughly tired, but in a way tense
dry mouth
nausea
i look and feel so tired, my upper lip is hanging over the lower lip and i think i look like an old droopy dog (also puffy from the booze of course).

good side effects:
today i had a bit of the kind of peaceful feeling again like last friday (be careful now: last friday i managed to create the hangover of the century after a day of feeling peaceful at day time!). worrying less, able to get my attention to the here and now. it was a bit difficult cause i had to work today, so i had to have my act together and at the same felt stoned, off. it worked out okay , though i could have done better when not this floaty.

anyway, more in touch with my strength right now and hoping to keep it that way

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Morning, Joanna! Or rather, good afternoon for you!

That's pretty amazing that you had a solo exhibition!

I hang on tight to those peaceful feelings/hours/days. Sometimes just the memory of them, and knowing they'll be back again, is enough to keep me motivated. Whether it's to just keep taking the pills, or to get up and start the day!

I've got more to say, but I've got to run. I'm on a deadline and woke up laaaaaaate! (for me, anyway. It's almost 6am here!)

Hang in there!

Ne

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

thanks for your response Ne, i'd like to hear what more you have say! good luck on your deadline!

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

the 'funny' thing about drinking while taking baclofen to me is not getting into the alcoholl rush. seems like there's less (or no) dopamine sprayed into my brain when drinking.

at the same time, drinking lessens the feel of the side effects of the baclofen for me (i feel this is a danger to me). could be this: "alcohol is not the answer, it only makes you forget the quetion"
anyone any ideas?
i find it difficult to fight though. maybe 'cause i'm used to 'solve' my physical and other problems with booze.

also: i read, i think in the conversation between Texas and Stuck, that hangovers tend to get worse while taking baclofen. any ideas / experiences?

i've decided to go up 5mg today, to 100mg, although the side effects haven't been unnoticed the last few days.
doing 15-20-25-20-20 today

we'll see

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

'm sorry: i hate my life and the body i'm doing it to

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Yo! What's up, chica? I get the hating of the life/body problem. Sucks, but while booze helps us ignore it, it sure doesn't solve the problem. (I know, I know, look who's talking...)

Anyway, yeah a drink or two can often take the edge off the SEs. But do watch out for the next day or so. These are like crazy ninja-assassin hangovers. They strike without warning or mercy. But, again like with ninjas, the real problem is not knowing quite what to expect. I think I described it somewhere as drunk not feeling like drunk, and the hangover not feeling like a hangover.

For a while I thought I was suddenly immune to hangovers--it was like a free ticket to the fair. But suddenly I'd just get the zonked-out, don't know where I am SE straight from nowhere in the middle of the day, and then end up with nasty anxiety/panic. It just throws everything out of whack, the booze does, and the bac is already throwing enough out of whack... at least at first. So the one-two punch is... what I did for a long time.