just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

well i am an idiot. had a horrible hangover last saturday, a crazy ninja assassin jumping on my head and stomach, and what did i do yesterday? hurraayyy! binge time!

grrrrrrr!

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Damn near everyone does it. Being beaten down by AL is no fun, and it's no joke. And just because things are starting to change doesn't mean your head is quite caught up with what's going on chemical-wise. Not getting the rush from drinking? The disease or the alkie brain or however you want to think of it is just going to want to drink more. It keeps thinking that another drink or 10 is the answer. Because that was always the answer before, right? Takes time for us to figure out 1) it doesn't work and 2) even scarier, we don't want the booze to work. It freaked the sh*t out of me when it finally happened, too. Realizing I didn't like the feeling of being drunk. Egads, WTF is that about!? But it's true.

So there's going to come a moment sometime soon when you're going to look at the drink in your hand, and you're going to wonder if you actually want to drink it, then a really big part of you is going to say that you don't want it. It's frightening, and I know when we get scared the first reaction is to drink, so it sounds really weird, but try putting the glass down.

But don't worry about that kind of crap until it happens. For now just focus on the pills and focus on the goal.

Big hugs, and I'm sorry you're hungover. It sucks.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

ah thanks Stuck!
i can relate to that: the feeling IT HAS TO WORK, i've gotta get to my 'refuge'!! (meaning euphoric drunk state where i forget about everything) but i'm not getting there, well maybe after 20 drinks, a bit...
(yesterday i had 8 belgian beers, which means 24 standard alcohol units)

i'm a little afraid that my heavy drinking (although the previous days, i managed to keep it within boundries somewhat) will prevent me from hitting my switch, or noticing it, or from dealing with it in the right way.

fortunately the hangover isn't as bad as last saturday (though i think drank more yesterday than friday) but i do feel like shit.

i don't meet people anymore, only when necessary for work. i'm to ashamed of myself. i'd like to dig a hole in the ground to get into and not come out until i'm sober and feeling free.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

by the way, i just realized that my remark earlier ("stuckinLA (is your name derived from Leaving Las Vegas?") is complete ehrr how should i call it... *grinning and blushing*
you probably thought "hey momma, have another glass, why don't you!"

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

He definitely found a way out of LA (if we all remember he started in LA as a movie industry guy). It's cute. But anyway I just lost a post, so trying to remember what I wanted to say.

Right. I never wanted to meet people sober. Eek, can you imagine the disaster that would be? The wasted-er the better, so I could actually speak at all and have the added benefit of not remembering what they thought of me. Not saying I do much better now, but I'm realizing I don't care enough about most people I meet to care what they think of me anyway.

The refuge. Yes, the one place here at home that's warm and safe and can usually be found as long as the booze holds out and I don't get too tired and actually pass out first. Or the opposite: if I don't sit around sipping and not getting down to business quick enough, and end up seeing the sun rise and finally have to drag myself with whatever's left in the glass.

You won't miss it.

You won't miss the switch, either, if you keep taking the pills. There's going to come a point where something will happen, and you'll realize you either don't care, or don't want a drink, or that you've been forcing yourself to drink for a while. In my case it was a massive panic attack brought on by several glasses of absinthe, maybe a 1/4 bottle of bourbon, and a whole bunch of hash (when I never get high anymore), which all landed me in the ER. I didn't drink for a week+ after, and I didn't really realize I wasn't drinking during that week.

I'll let Ne fill in the details, or smack me for telling her story if she wants, but it was just the end of a crappy day when she felt awful and just wanted to get home and didn't feel like stopping for wine. So she tried going without for just a night, and the second day she tried it again just to see, knowing she could go out for booze until the stores closed at 2 AM if she needed to.

There's somebody else around here who woke up one morning and realized he'd forgotten to drink the day before. So no, you won't miss it. Drinking makes the whole damned thing more difficult and more painful, but it's a process that takes as much time and, honestly, as much suffering as it takes. We've been there, and we're here for you now. And there's something else to say right now but I lost it.

Hang in there, sweetie.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

thanks again Stuck. it's a relief to hear that of you and Ne.
man, i wish i was there already, cause i've been putting my life on hold this last month, more than ever before. i don't go to my studio, the idea of being there gets me depressed and anxious (maybe i should just go there today, go through my fear, cause like this, my life feels like nothing, grey and deathlike), i only do what's absolutely necessary and the rest of the time study and read and drink while watching stupid tv shows.

when i do meet people now i also drink high speed to make me feel more comfortable (and then afterwards feel very uncomfortable. last time someone visited me here, i woke up in bed with him the next morning and didn't remember anything of what had happened).
but in periods where i didn't drink (on antabus), or managed to drink moderately, i found i was insecure a lot when meeting people (though also then i like to keep to myself a lot), but at the same time i enjoyed myself and found that most of the times i wasn't that bad a company.

ah i didn't remember that, that he left LA to go to Las Vegas!

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

i've been reading through your thread some Stuck (not all of it yet). so sorry to hear you had to go to ER and all that trouble.. so good to hear you're doing better now (how's your anxiety now?)
the last time i drank absynthe i remember having the first glass (it was after i don't know how many beers) and then the lights wnet out.
i try to avoid liqour. i get really crazy when drinking liquor. and i black out quick on it.

[Roadrunner61]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

This medication your talking about is this prescribed by a doctor??

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Roadrunner: It can be prescribed by a doctor, depending on where you are in the world, but it's not very common. There's a whole lot to learn about it first, though. I recommend you start by reading Dr. Ameisen's book Heal Thyself, and many of the articles here:

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f2...ead-38718.html

That will give you a start.

Jo, how about heading out to the studio for a few minutes, just to look around? It's not easy, but it is possible to accomplish things on HDB (high-dose bac). If nothing else, force yourself to stand there for a few minutes, maybe think about a project that you might work on soon. No pressure, but completely avoiding it isn't good. Argh, you're reading my thread... that's kinda nerve-wracking all of a sudden. :blush: So I'm sort of a hypocrite here, telling you to try to work, while you basically summed up my whole life with the drinking and the stupid TV and avoiding anything important.

But I'm going to channel Ne here for a minute, and say you've got an alibi for now. You're on your way up--bac-wise and with all of life and everything like that. So for the next little while, whether it's a month or more, you should be really gentle with yourself. Make a few plans, sketch out a few ideas, nothing major. And all those big things you were going to tackle some day when you weren't pinned under a bottle? Well you're finally going to get the chance to do those, because you're not going to be under the bottle much longer. I know the world's grey and lifeless right now, but what's a couple more weeks? Just try not to get in the habit of staying out of the studio, either.

I know that made almost no sense whatsoever. But I'd love to hear about your art sometime. Seriously.

My anxiety? Ummmmmm, that's a good question. Getting better, I think, but I have had some sleep issues that are returning. That's not ideal but I guess I can power through, and not much choice either way. Not really drinking this week, so that probably makes a difference. I have some pretty big exams coming up in the next month, so I shouldn't be drinking anyway... And well with that, I bid you good night (for me) and (I think) good morning for you. Try not to meet any new people today

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

i would probably not be taking you this seriously if you weren't speaking from experience Stuck!

thanks for giving me smiles right after getting out of bed! you're so sweet in your concern!!

as a matter of fact i did some drawing here on the couch (my hole in the ground) and it didn't suck that much good to be doing it again, it gives me a spark of life.
okay, i'll be going to my studio just to walk around a bit, and see if there's something i can do to make it more of a safe place again for me. and try NOT to think i have to immediately start to do any serious work.
you're quite convincing in that channeling thing! and it makes perfect sense to me (easier to hear this from someone else and take it seriously, than trying to convince myself of it. i just tend to feel like a loser on the way out)

i could show you some of my work if you like. but better in a private message i think, i don't like to mix business and pleasure (bad joke, but you know, i'm not using my middle name here because i like it that much)

hope you're sleeping like a baby right now!

to Roadrunner: i get it on prescription from my gp, but that was after being turned down at the default addiction clinic (they were very reluctant to prescribe baclofen. after a lot of talking and trying all the other default drugs, they were willing to give it a try, but only in small doses, and only after going completely off alcohol, which wasn't any option for me anymore after quitting a few times to try things like antabus, and than falling back immediately when i had the chance. i even drank once while the antabus was still in my body. man, that was a horrible) experience...)

another good thread to read: sweet success! (with baclofen)

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

just got back from my studio. i was there for an hour, cut some paper, looked around and just felt like a zombie. no passion or what so ever. tried not to get into thoughts about how little work i did over the last few years. everything just felt like nothing.
one good thing is i saw the drawing i started about a month ago (just before i stopped going there) and felt it was interesting and worth continuing.
i'm just going there everyday for a while, maybe paint a wall or something, do something to make the space feel better. feel depressed right now, and happy to be back on my fucking couch (sorry for the cursing) but i'll try and do some drawing tonight, to feel a spark again.

i hope this zombie feeling is not a persistent side effect of the baclofen (for now, i'm guessing it will change. it'll probably be enhanced by my persistent alcohol abuse).
(increasing dose to 105mg today)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Hi Jo!
Sorry for the delay. I'm in the process of taking my own advice. Apparently my own advice is very life consuming. (Shit. That reminds me I'm supposed to go to an AA meeting in about an hour. grrrrrr. Taking my own advice sometimes sucks, actually. And no, I'm not going to AA to proselytize. And I'm certainly not going because I need it to get sober, or even content. I like my people a lot. And I think there is truth and wisdom there. Plus, I am broadening my horizons in all kinds of kinda scary or kinda annoying ways. But damn, I do not want to go. ugh. Anyway! sorry...)

So. Lots has happened since I was last here. You went to your studio! And Stuck does a pretty good impression.

If you had a disease, say a life-threatening disease that affected every aspect of your life, and you started taking a medication to get well, you'd give yourself a bunch of room to just be for a while. Right? Well there you go.

And the art thing...There's a lot of promise in sobriety for lots of different people, but I am particularly intrigued by the creation of things and what sobriety does there...Especially baclofen sobriety. (Everyone just close your eyes here, if this is going to annoy you.) I wonder if we don't have the opportunity to open ourselves up, WIDE OPEN, when we take bac to get sober.

Maybe it's because when I got well because I took a pill I absolved myself for being an alcoholic. I woke up free simply because I had the knowledge that I was not, I am not, my disease. A pill took it away. So how could it have been my "fault"? And knows that when I did think it was my fault, when I made amends and took every small bad thing I did or thought or said to heart, I got sicker, not better. That's not exactly true. I definitely felt really good when I was living that way, but I couldn't stay sober. Now I can do both. Or not. (hmmm. I am about to digress into a discussion of the nature of the universe and what it means to be 'good' and yadda yadda. I think I will spare us all! :H)

Point is, just doing the next thing is okay. Better than okay. And I definitely don't feel badly (even now) about the days when I just couldn't do a damn thing. I was very, very, very sick. I try not to feel badly (even now) when I don't do a damn thing. Sometimes that's just how it's going to play out. You know?

The deadlines are being met, even if the personal ones are not always perfect. I gotta go get dressed for the meeting. Thanks for the well wishes.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

booze and bac definitely equals zombieishness. With reprieves. They include peacefulness, sometimes clarity. An occasional spark. Well worth holding on for.
EDIT: oh. And definitely the ninja. Which is an awesome description, Stuck.

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Oh dear, Jo, if we take this behind closed doors, there's no telling what might happen! :H But I never meant to suggest you'd put something out here that might break your anonymity. That's straight-up sacred. I think I just meant I'd love to hear about your process, or about your thoughts on art generally, or anything, really. Though I suppose, again, if you're willing to show me more in private...

OK, enough of that. I can't sustain that kind of flirting for too long; I don't have the stamina and it wears me out! :H Glad you made it into the studio, love. That's a huge step. I can only imagine how it must be for you, to have a space, a room, that kind of emotional investment anchored within four walls. Just in my case, trying to think about bigger/more abstract things, I look all at once at the wasted wreckage of how many years, the scraps here in the present, and the vague feeling of what a completed work might look like... It's horrifying, too many tenses going on, and yet it's what we nevertheless looked at every morning anyway, right? Or was it the nightly optimism that I was looking for all this time? The way hope would blossom with each shot, the details would fall away, and I'd simply know that somehow, someway, I would accomplish whatever it was that I wasn't accomplishing.

Actually facing it is the tough part, and that'll come. Ne's right: give yourself some slack while you get well. Because you are very sick right now, and it's not your fault. But you are taking medicine to get better, and so that's your focus. Still it makes me smile to think you're drawing on the couch. Seriously, that's about the most heartwarming thing I could've read today, and I thank you for it.

By the way, though, careful of taking me too seriously! I'm just a boy, and you know what an immature, mercurial lot we can be!

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

"hey Jo, where you goin' with that bottle in your hand?"