just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Since it looks as though the weather here is going to stop the world for a couple of days (or more) I am suddenly free! woop! Well, I want to paint three or four rooms. And build the closet in the dressing room. And sew and hang the curtains in the living room. But first I have to put up the curtain rods, which need to be spray painted. Today.

Thanks for responding to the post. That was the long version of this: I don't think you cross a line, or hit a "switch" so much as go through this whole rainbow of experience and create a new default.

The switch...Most of us have the experience of finding that we think about alcohol and the thought is disgusting. Many of us try to drink right through that (of course ) and find that the taste is even more disgusting. But then after the actual "switch" there's a whole bandwidth, a continuum, a long road-less-travelled to navigate. (For sure not many have travelled this road. Right?!)

It is kind of fun, and often disconcerting, and sometimes it just sucks, to figure out which part of the road I'm on, which exits I want to take, and where I want to go with it. But the bottom line, maybe, is that it can be so disconcerting for some people, particularly if there isn't a plan and some idea of what to do when the "switch" happens, that they take the first exit. Guess which one that is? Yep. A familiar one, close to where you got off in the first place...And there's often booze involved.

My husband wants/needs my attention and considering he's doing my list of chores, I think I'll go help!

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

oww i feel kind of hopeless today. first a lot of hassle with my dog, very frustrating (and of course i feel guilty, cause it would be so much better for him if i weren't a drunk). then someone wanted to come over, and i turned him down. i don't want to tell him about the ordeal i'm in, and don't feel any enthousiasm about anything, so i have nothing to talk about, the sides of my mouth are dripping. i know he feels more for me than i do for him, he's a very nice guy, a great artist to by the way, and i felt so bad about turning him down.
i've given myself a day off from fighting (i've been doing that more, recently..) i am, of course, on the fucking couch (to keep the expression alive) just watching documentaries all day.
and feel bad about that at the same time, for not trying.

the thought of that continuum kind of disquiets me, though i think i'm not hearing it like you mean it. i just feel lousy today, and afraid i 'll never get out of this mess... or that the SE's will stay like this, and the choice will be living like a zombie or dying from alcohol. note to mce: my SE's are probably worse cause i'm still drinking quite heavily while taking baclofen. which doesn't mean i'm going to quit either one of them. i can't.

i'm sorry mce! i do feel that baclofen can be the solution for me, although i'm more in touch with fear and depression right now. it's probably all part of the process Ne's talking about.
and good to have you here! i'll be checking your thread (as soon as i've finished watching everything by Louis Theroux ), thanks for the link.

actually i'm not amazed at all that your sister had never heard about baclofen, cause so many doctors, shrinks, whatever have never heard about it. i guess you can't expect then to be updated on all the different medicine etc that's out there always. what i find amazing is that people who have heard about it, just dismiss it. i try not to get angry or spiteful over that, it's just the way things are, the medicine industry and money involved in that whole area.

and please feel free to 'complain' all you want.
but is it complaining, or just telling it like it is (and as it is sucks bigtime)? just being caught in this disease, and not getting out, even though you're trying so hard as you obviously did, otherwise you wouldn't have stayed sober for those periods of time and going to aa and all!
i know i feel i'm wining over here a lot. at the same time, i think this harsh judgement is something you learn when you're an alcoholic and am trying not to be. everyone else can manage their drinking, so i'm obviously a terrible loser for not being able to.

it would be great if you could try baclofen. and keep posting here. the people here are so amazing, they're staying 'round to help others who are in the same place they once were. i find that so heart warming... and i'm so thankful for that! (hey! the corners of my mouth have lifted some now!)

so, back to louis theroux. *sigh*

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

oww i feel kind of hopeless today. first a lot of hassle with my dog, very frustrating (and of course i feel guilty, cause it would be so much better for him if i weren't a drunk). then someone wanted to come over, and i turned him down. i don't want to tell him about the ordeal i'm in, and don't feel any enthousiasm about anything, so i have nothing to talk about, the sides of my mouth are dripping. i know he feels more for me than i do for him, he's a very nice guy, a great artist to by the way, and i felt so bad about turning him down.
i've given myself a day off from fighting (i've been doing that more, recently..) i am, of course, on the fucking couch (to keep the expression alive) just watching documentaries all day.
and feel bad about that at the same time, for not trying.

the thought of that continuum kind of disquiets me, though i think i'm not hearing it like you mean it. i just feel lousy today, and afraid i 'll never get out of this mess... or that the SE's will stay like this, and the choice will be living like a zombie or dying from alcohol. note to mce: my SE's are probably worse cause i'm still drinking quite heavily while taking baclofen. which doesn't mean i'm going to quit either one of them. i can't.

i'm sorry mce! i do feel that baclofen can be the solution for me, although i'm more in touch with fear and depression right now. it's probably all part of the process Ne's talking about.
and good to have you here! i'll be checking your thread (as soon as i've finished watching everything by Louis Theroux ), thanks for the link.

actually i'm not amazed at all that your sister had never heard about baclofen, cause so many doctors, shrinks, whatever have never heard about it. i guess you can't expect then to be updated on all the different medicine etc that's out there always. what i find amazing is that people who have heard about it, just dismiss it. i try not to get angry or spiteful over that, it's just the way things are, the medicine industry and money involved in that whole area.

and please feel free to 'complain' all you want.
but is it complaining, or just telling it like it is (and as it is sucks bigtime)? just being caught in this disease, and not getting out, even though you're trying so hard as you obviously did, otherwise you wouldn't have stayed sober for those periods of time and going to aa and all!
i know i feel i'm wining over here a lot. at the same time, i think this harsh judgement is something you learn when you're an alcoholic and am trying not to be. everyone else can manage their drinking, so i'm obviously a terrible loser for not being able to.

it would be great if you could try baclofen. and keep posting here. the people here are so amazing, they're staying 'round to help others who are in the same place they once were. i find that so heart warming... and i'm so thankful for that! (hey! the corners of my mouth have lifted some now!)

so, back to louis theroux. *sigh*

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

by the way Ne, working on the house... nice!!! when i woke up this morning, i started thinking of what i could do to make my house a better place (i tried not to think about these things too much lately, cause i knew i wouldn't be doing anything to make them come true), things i don't get to do right now because of my boyfriend Al who is such a pain in the butt and wants me to sit on the couch and do stupid things.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

sorry folks for not giving a a more positive feel to this right now (owww this is probably self pity again)

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

wondering how you're doing Stuck!

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Oh hi. Just swinging through at this very moment, actually. Today's an all day writing day, but not writing here, sadly.

Don't worry about the continuum, Jo. It's what you make of it. You're not stuck, and you'll get out of this mess. You'll have a much easier time of it if you simply give up the drink when you don't feel like drinking. Because you can definitely force it, and that kinda sucks. And then you can drop your dose and not really be forcing it anymore, and that sucks worse.

I'm OK, just like I said trying to start/finish a project that I really need to turn in tomorrow. So of course what I did was go out last night. Ah, but the bartender was dressed as a super-sexy Catwoman, complete with skin-tight outfit that zipped up the front. And I had to stay at the bar all night to watch that zipper hanging on for dear life... And people were buying me drinks, so I only ended up spending like 10 dollars or something. Anyway, the point is your life will be yours to live how you want--booze won't be the deciding factor anymore if you don't want it to be.

I guess I still want it to be, at least a little, or maybe a lot? I don't know. But that's all for now, peeps!

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

hugs for you Stuck.
i guess today is wasted for me (or maybe in the perspective of of the process: very important, id don't know. i just feel like i've lost all the threads, meaning my wanting to fight, that have kept me alive over the last decades). i didn't even feel the energy to go up to the cofffee shop (iat coffee shops they don't always sell coffee here) to buy a joint, or three. i'm wanting to though, just to not fee this low anymore. fuck, i feel low.
i want to repeat that one part:maybe in the perspective of of the process: very important.

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Argh! I have the most uncreative process ever! I've been at my desk for like the last 10 hours and have produced exactly nothing. :upset: Sorry, just had to get that out there.

Sorry you're not feeling great today, Jo. It's part of the process, and it's got a lot to do with booze. You're getting better every single day, brain chemistry-wise, but the rest of it doesn't catch up as quickly 'cause we still think the old tools are going to work. They kind of don't anymore though. It's actually pretty amazing, even as it can be frustrating. Like drinking myself silly used to work, so now what!?

Well now it's whatever. Naps. And chocolate snacks. And read around here--I read tons of old threads, and it helps. The process sucks for everybody, and seeing others go through it makes it a little less lonely. Not less sucky, but less lonely at least.

Anyway, back to work for me. Hugs.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Ack. I had much the same kind of day. Minus the booze, of course. But aaaaaargh. So frustrating not to have accomplished a damn thing. See? It's not just you guys. Sometimes stuff happens...



And Ed's added looking at/picking out/caring about paint colors to his list of things that he is not required to do. Ever again.

What you see is only one room, peeps. There are two others with at least that many splotches on the wall. I found only one color that works. The ones in the room you see make me . The absolute worst of it is that now I HAVE to paint the rooms before everyone arrives for Thanksgiving. Ah, well. Whatevs. Thank goodness for a new dawn and a different day.

I'm out. Hope you guys get some sleepl! I definitely will! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Attached files [img]/converted_files/1970095=7090-attachment.jpg[/img]

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

I like the color in the middle, Ne, I pick that one. Sorry you're having a day. That day seems to be following everyone around. It's almost 11 here, so I guess I'm officially back on MWO. Or at least I can't look at what I'm still not quite done with for even one more minute today. I need like another page and a half, and it's just not going to happen. Basically I'm at the part of the proposal where I'm answering the question "What contributions will your dissertation make to the field of literary study?" And my answer so far is "Um, I dunno." And that's probably not as comprehensive a response as they're looking for. Oh well, there's always the morning time to finish up, right? RIGHT?

I'm only acting like I'm freaking out because I am, but last week my advisor said he wanted a few revisions, like cleaning up the prose and removing this one part where I think I actually used the words "throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks"... But at the same time he also said that, even before revisions, this is better than most dissertation proposals he's seen. Which is great, because as soon as I pass my exams next month this whole thing that I'm writing right now goes straight in the trash. And I'll never have to write anything like this ever again. Have I mentioned how much I hate academia?

Anyway, Jo how are you doing? Got some sleep, I hope. I'm trying to think of a good way to phrase my response to the fight, because you got it just right there. I feel like I know exactly what you mean, and it's the work, or the prospect of the work, that makes the fight worthwhile. Maybe that's it? It's a double-edged sword, as time marches relentlessly forward whether I'm productive or not, whether I'm winning the fight or not, whether I even realize I'm fighting or not.

So we're going to have good days and bad days, but every one of those days is all we're going to have. It's thrilling to hear you might start a new series of drawings. Just do what you feel you can do, and give yourself a pass on the rest right now. I don't know about you, but I'd give myself a pass for not writing if I were on a bender. I'd just look at myself in the mirror, briefly, on maybe the 5th or 6th day and say "Stuck, don't worry about it right now, you're on a bender. It happens. You'll get some stuff done soon when you dry out for a bit." And a week later maybe I'd get some stuff done. So why not give yourself the same leeway now to get well?

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

holy mother on a timber raft... what a day. i seem to attract nastiness or something.
this morning the guy who's dog attacked mine out of nowhere a few weeks ago, and whom i presented the bill (450 euro's is what it cost me), called me and started yelling and cursing and threatening me.
my skin is very thin these days, i was so upset and shaking like a leaf. called the police and if i can, i'm gonna try and charge him for threatening me.
i cried my eyes out of my head afterwards, and then bought a can of hairspray that i'll be taking with me from now on, so i can do something to defend myself if this motherf!#$$!!! ever tries something on me.
i feel so angry, and at the same time so vulnerable (this word sounds even more horrible to me in english than in dutch ) right now because of the process i'm in. like i said: thin skin...

and then i had to go to work. man, i made it....

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Ne, you can also tell the guests at your thanksgiving that you're into art now and this is a situational art piece?

and you're studying literature Stuck? great!
maybe you can make a link in your to the dada movement in your dissertation proposal, or the surrealists, or gonzo or whatever to give some ground to your "uh, dunno".
but great that you got such positive feedback on your proposal in general!!
what are you planning to do after graduation, cause you hate academia so much, do you now that ("uh dunno" is fine also. i always just rolled into everything i did in my life, the different branches i got in and out of. there was no master plan) ?

i'm sorry you both also had a bad day yesterday, i don't mean to make fun of your stories. i just, well, whatever. i'm trying to get in touch with my sense of humor again maybe (i kind of missed that over the last few weeks, my sense of humor, which is when i really hit the bottom).

does anyone know what it does when you spray hairspray into someone's eye?

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Try pepper spray. Works way better.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

yes i know, but pepper spray is illegal over here. if i spray him with that, i'd get into trouble myself