just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

StuckinLA;1406178 wrote: Timed writing is so dumb. Grrrrrrrrrr.

i think timed writing could be a good thing. i'd like to start "timed drawing".
and i'm gonna start that tomorrow: the first thing i do, is make a small, big,whatever drawing.

i've actually stopped caring about doing okay. I don't anymore, but i'm having chemo for alcoholics, right, so i guess that fits the picture?

(by tne way:no inclination to eat)

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

oh, and one other se: peeing!

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

i know what's shakin'!
the storey's 'bove 'n below my eyes. they have been squatted by SATAN himself...!
this is for you Stuck:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dt3vYWZFxK0[/video]]Strindberg and Helium in Absinthe and Women

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

OMG. I wrote and lost and then rewrote more work today than I even want to care or share about. aaaaaaargh.
Whatever. It's done. Well, it's as done as it's going to get tonight. WAY past my bedtime.
I got a 90 on my last exam! Which is lovely. It's also funny that with each test I take the score gets a little lower. (Well, except the one I tanked. That one...pffft. oops. )
So I'm feeling ...good. And like I've been beaten with a dirty dishrag. I MUST stop smoking. Two packs today sitting in front of this damn thing for what? 10 hours? hayzeus.
Enough about me! (but thanks for the opportunity!)
I don't really have much of an appetite, I don't think, so it's hard to say what happened to it on bac. I lost my taste for things, occasionally. Even chocolate at one point. That didn't last. Bummer.

I do hope you care about doing okay, 'cause that is pretty much what matters. Sometimes ya' gotta say fuck it, but in general, well...ain't no one allowed to kick your own ass, except...Right? Not that ass kicking is necessary. But a drawing, especially timed, that sounds like a good, fun start. And a dog walk. (far, far from the bad guy. I hesitate to ask, but what happened?)
EDIT: I got back in here to add something, but I have NO idea what it was...feels kind of important, though. Oh. Yes. Chemo. Yep. Hang in there. Are you still feeling really, really lousy? 'cause that's a bit worrisome. ergh. I have to go to bed.

The screen's getting a little blurry. And there is a spider on the floor near my chair that is extremely active, and I have too little energy to deal with it. So I'm outtie. Plus, I really just wanted to stop by and wish you a good morning! Good morning!

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Jo, the timed drawing sounds like a good idea. I just meant grrrrrr about timed writing because it's a test. Like sit in this locked room for three hours and write an answer to this question we give you, and that's lame. But I usually try to write for a set amount of time, when I'm writing. Except on deadlines. Then I just set whole days aside.

Ne, the scores are great! Congrats. But it sounds like you still need to get whatever it is we're calling the Ohio State mascot for those spiders.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

ah yes i understand that. when i am forced to do something, i can be really thorough in procrastination.
i hate that, things i have to do cause someone else thinks i should do them
good luck Stuck, it'll be over soon! and Ne, congrats on your 90!

the SE's are doable right now, not great, but doable. it's a help that i don't have to go about to work etc, so i can stay at home as much as i want and take my own time at things. i'm kind of dreading the days at the end of the week, where i'll have to work with a bunch of people intensely, two days in a row.
but no use worrying about that now.

hey, big day for the US! i'm watching it closely..

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

i think what i'm also going through, is saying goodbye to alcohol. it feels like depression. no inclination to do what so ever, when waking up i just want to stay in bed (which i can't, because my dog needs to go out), i have a hard time dealing with my loss of energy to do anything.
like breaking up with a bad boyfriend: staying in a situation you're used to feels more comfortable then leaving and going for a life of, what? i don't know that yet. and right now all i get in return is depression.

pushed myself into cleaning my house today (up to a certain point. i'd looove to get into a flow like you Ne, and really make something of my house) and after that still felt like doing nothing. depression is like freezing, wanting to sit it all out and not move while things keep on happening around you in your shell.

happy to have done that for myself, i'm in a sober and neat environment, which supports a sober and clean life.

what i miss is life...

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Cleaning the house is always an amazing thing when it's done. I realized, after I'd done it, that I cleaned my windows and opened the blinds to let natural light into my apartment for the first time in 2 years. After not drinking and lots of bac, and the metaphor was still way too ridiculous for me to do anything but laugh.

And the sadness about it all is totally understandable. I felt the same way. It's like killing a friend, you know? The nice thing is that once you hit the switch you kind of forget about the friend. Still takes some getting used to, but it's not really an issue anymore. So I'm kinda on my own path right now, so I'll leave it to Ne to continue that particular pep talk, but it's really all about you and how you feel.

When I was up there in the higher doses I'd look at bottles and earnestly ask myself why don't I want you? Like I was actually upset that I didn't want to drink. It doesn't have to be that way, of course, because you just don't need to have the bottles around in the first place. You really can let it all go, if you want. Still need to fill the time, though.

That's not always the easiest thing to do, at least for me. Not sure how your creative process works, but I drank to avoid working, among many other reasons. So that might be an issue. But you can always watch TV or read or pick up on online porn habit--plenty of suggestions there if you need them. But regardless you'll be in a very surreal and wonderful place soon, and once you're there you can take a walk around and see how you feel. Then decide what you want to do, and that's when the real fun can begin.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

i was wining again, wasn't i? :blush:

yep, cleaning sucks, but it makes me feel a lot better when it's done!
i'll just make the most of it again today.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Ne, you told me that driving a car is kind of a topic here. :racer: (yep, i found the emoticons! )
what are the opinions (or maybe: a thread or two where this is covered)?

tomorrow i have to go and work somewhere hard to reach by public transport. i'd rather not drive a car, although i feel my se's are less heavy now, but it i'll make things harder when i can't drive there myself.
man, i wish i could get out of those two days and just keep to myself a few more days....

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Hiya Jo!
Driving...It's touchy because, well, we're drunks. Drunks driving drunk is...really, really bad. And being out of it in general is not such a good thing behind the wheel, right?

Still, it could be all about management. (Digression alert!) A friend of mine from the Netherlands suggested we should not be driving at all ever, ever, ever. pffft. That's fine if you live in a tiny European country with lots of public transportation and biking lanes and local everything. In the U.S. there ain't no way (outside of about 6 metro areas) to get by without a car. No way.

How can you manage the SEs in order to do what you need to do? Only you can decide whether or not it's safe. If it's not, it's not. But anxiety about it will make it unsafe! So...Don't take any pills within about a two hour window before the drive? Get a friend's help? I had bac-induced panic attacks driving over bridges and through tunnels. I live in an area surrounded by water. We have more tunnels and bridges than Venice. (hmmm. Maybe not. ) It SUCKED. But I managed. What're your concerns specifically? If you're just completely discombobulated...Not much to do except rearrange your life around the fact that you can't drive for a little while. (Sorry. Really.) I dunno, Jo. What do you think?

I'm currently getting my ass handed to me. By myself of course, thank goodness. But I'll be back. (oh. And you're not whiney. What is that? This is hard, sister. Cleaning house...I super love that metaphor. Super love it. And the physical act of it. And the results. Don't get me wrong, I hate doing it. But it's very rewarding. Much more so than exercise or meditation or feeding myself. Unless it's chocolate. )

Really glad you found the emotis. I rarely go looking through the list for new ones, and know the key strokes for the ones that I use, but I LUV them. This is still my fave:
:disco:
(sorry, Bruunhilde. [She doesn't like that one.])

xxoo

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Getting out of the house and being accountable might be a good idea? I don't know. Sometimes I felt like I would have been better off if I'd just done what I needed to do. (I still do. *sigh*) But sometimes it's important to create and stay in safe-self-space. Do you have that?

Lemme tell you. (This digression harkens back to the convo you and Stuck had about couches and drunk spaces...) My safe-drunk-space became my safe-HDB-space and finally my FREEDOM-space. Same couch. Same room. Completely transformed. Part of it was in my mind. But a big part of it was the whole experience...The physical room transformed as I transformed. One day I organized the bookcase. And then I moved it. Then I moved it out. I got a brighter lamp from another room. I got rid of the tv! (That was later on in the process. But that was HUGE. I spent every night prone on the couch, with the tv on getting absolutely shit-faced until I stumbled to bed. How the f*ck I lived that way is so foreign...) For more than a year that was complemented with hours and hours on here, looking at everything I could, until finally I started participating.
One day I realized the tv didn't fit in anymore. It bored me. It was ugly. It...had no purpose as I wasn't getting drunk and staring at it.
I moved it into Ed's room. (We used to have different rooms in which we got drunk. Separately descending into oblivion. Jesus. So sad/pathetic/maddening.)
Then I finally got rid of his tv, when I was absolutely sure that we only needed one. That I wasn't going to go back to the place where I needed that distraction in addition to oblivion.

What the hell was I writing all this for? :H

I gotta run! Transformation in progress! And I am so grateful that we all get that chance every single day. Big or little, it happens. For you it's HUGE. Rock on. :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

We need some music up in here. What've you got? Stuck, have you got something? (He shouldn't be up for about 6 or 8 hours, though, and I don't want to wait! Maybe WCL has something! She and I like the chicks. And Eminem. Love him or hate him, that song is a great mantra. Actually lots of 'em are.

Stuck, that link didn't work.

RedH-that was a great episode of TAL, wasn't it? Nice to *see* you! :l

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

o that's great to read, how your couch got to be your freedom space!
i try not to spend so much time on the couch, but when i start drinking at about 5 pm, when dr. Phil is on (i know, this is a bit pathetic, but i love that show. i love corny tv :nutso: ), nowadays i find it even hard to get off the couch to take my dog out for a walk. i do of course, only to dive back on it again after returning home.

jee, you and Ed getting drunk in seperate rooms... on one hand that's such a saddening picture for me. on the other hand: how great that you managed to stay together and lived through this!!

i don't drive drunk. i sometimes drink a few beers, but i always keep the limit in mind (in holland i think you are allowed to drive after about two ot three beers max). it's more that the se's frighten me, and last saturday, driving to and from my brother was a horrible experience.
i think i can manage to drive there tomorrow morning, but driving home at 10 pm, i don't know. and the next morning driving back there at 8 am, and then back at night.

i think it's good not to completely isolate myself and give in to my tendency to hide from the world, but these are 2 very intensive work days, constantly working with people, and i feel i'm so tired, and also very sensitive right now to input, just very sensitive in general i guess. also, there is a problem in the group i work with, that we have to sort out, and that might become kind of stressful and i know they'll expect a lot from me in that. not something i feel up to right now. but i'll have to go for it.

i feel good about getting some work done over the last few days.
i didn't do anything i wanted to do during this "holiday" (which meant: off from one type of work, but still having to do other types), no meditation, no drawing, no visits to the studio though.
i'm hanging in there, but i feel no joy or life in my life right now.

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Hey there you two, quite a flurry of activity going on. Ne, looks like you finally found a time zone that works with your crazy "morning" time! :H

You know I kind of want a new couch these days? Something comfortable and less... emotional. I forget who it was... I think someone around here, actually, that suggested I keep a small piece of the old one and do something craftsy with it, so it's still here but not here. So right now it's just not having money for a new couch that's standing in the way.

Sorry that's not going to make any sense to you, Jo. Long ago conversation. Anyway, yeah, driving is going to depend on how you feel, but worrying about it will make it work. Not sure how the roads are set up over there, but can you take frequent rest breaks? Or at least have the possibility of stopping when you need to, maybe even getting out of the car and standing for a second will be enough to refocus you for the next stretch. It really is tough to work around SEs and stuff, but things do get better.

And if people seem to notice you're off, or you get worried that they're noticing? There's always something for that. You're on an antibiotic. Or you tried a new cold medicine, and it just hit you really hard. Or you're just under the weather generally. It's flu season here, that's always a good one. Of course it's the old alkie fall-back, too, but whatever.

And not sure I've got any good music for you guys today. I've been listening to let's call it quite a bit of Warren Zevon lately. So I don't know, I got nothing... but maybe this, it's kind of upbeat?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N1ikpIjT_I[/video]]Warren Zevon - Detox Mansion - Live in Atlanta CA, 1993 - Part 4/18 - YouTube

Same song, lower quality recording, higher quality location

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mr7zsnIkucM[/video]]Warren Zevon - Detox Mansion - Live in Iowa City, 1987 - Part 2/20 - YouTube

The link on my thread was to a picture, so I had to go looking around for songs... Oh, and I just love this one. Great song, great video, although granted the message is a little weird.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHC8vuBU9rg&feature=related[/video]]The Naked And Famous - Girls Like You - YouTube