just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Oh, and Jo, one other thing that Ne told me that was really helpful: going up to the switch sucks for each and every one of us. There's no way around it, it SUCKS. There is no joy, but it takes a little bit of time and then it's done. The joy and the life and the sunshine, roses, rainbows, little cartoon bluebirds that alight on your outstretched arms to serenade you, that's all waiting on the other side. Not this side.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Especially the bluebirds. hmmm. Wait. Isn't that from a different kind of a drug?

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

thank you guys for being there. i'm sorry, i can't respond in any cheerful way right now (will get back on that!), i've been in tears since waking up, i just don't want to go today but i don't feel free to call in sick.
one person i'm working with today is a problem for me, i'll explain a bit more later, and i just don't feel up to any kind of challenge right now. i hate this feeling of giving up on things, and not feeling able to stand up and fight.

could i perhaps get one bluebird in advance....????
(ah well, i'd probably fall asleep on it and crush it.
of course this tragedy would happen on the fucking couch )

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Great big hugs, Jo. I'm actually sleeping right now, or was, or will be trying to be asleep in a minute, but wanted to send some love really quick. Hang in there and don't let other people get you down.

:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

I suppose you are there, or on your way, or figured out that you aren't going...

What's the worst that could happen? I mean that. You lose the job? soooo....

There's identity and of course money wrapped up in a job. And no one likes it when we let other people down.

But the single best thing that I ever did in my life, bar none, is put myself first in this process. I totally understand how reluctant people are to do it. I totally get how absolutely terrifying it is...To completely change (if that's what it takes.)

If someone had told me in the beginning of the process (October 2010) that I would not recognize my life when I finally emerged from the fog, I would have quit. No question about it. The irony, of course, is that I don't recognize my life. And for that I am also very grateful.

Here's the short version of what happened: I lost my job. The week I became indifferent. Ed lost his job. The day after he stopped drinking against his will.

Since then I've returned to school full time and don't work.
He got a MUCH better job, in this economy, two weeks after he lost the one he had. Making $20k more than he was.
We have 4 times as much money in savings as we have ever had in our lives. Ever. Even though we are bringing in about $25k less than we were.
We bought a house for a song.
We're buying a new car this month.
And we STILL have more money in the bank than I've ever had in my life.

It's inexplicable, but it's true. The difference? We're not spending money on booze and all of the associated things. More importantly, I think, we're not making decisions based on fear about what we need or want.

Oh, let me not forget this important point: I spent more than 6 years in college when I was (much) younger. Despite being a relative super-star, I could never pull it off, and always ended up failing and dropping out. (With all the associated shame and horror.)
My grades are very good. I finish what I need to do. I have scholarships and grants that pay for school, now. And I'm a shoo in for the next part of the plan. I keep waiting to throw it all away, for everything I've worked so hard for to disappear in a haze of booze and self-hatred. But it's been 22 months and that hasn't happened.

Life will be better if you make it to the other side, to this side. That's a promise.

StuckinLA;1407899 wrote: going up to the switch sucks for each and every one of us. There's no way around it, it SUCKS. There is no joy, but it takes a little bit of time and then it's done.

Yep. That's true. With one exception. There was some joy for me, when I could believe that it was going to work. (Which wasn't often, because after trying my whole life, I didn't really believe it.)

jkttdp
:l

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

man, it's so heart warming to return home and find your messages....

yep, i went, and spoke my mind (although crying cause i was so tense about everything) and we sorted things out. it was heavy, but worth it. i have to work with these people for the next 2 years, and it's important for me to stick with it (although i can completely relate to what you're saying Ne. i've quit on jobs a few times, not knowing if i'd be shoveling parks in a few months or whatever. but it always turned out for better)

told them i'm on a new allergy med that's making me sick.

driving went, well, good enough (cause i'm sitting here writing this and not hanging in some slope (i don't know the word in english). tried to avoid looking into lights, cause they make me really confused and off focus right now. i sometimes thought "they must think i'm drunk or something", cause i had a hard time keeping the car straight.

tomorrow another heavy day, but i feel much more at ease now that the mess is cleared up in the team. hope i'll get a good night's sleep...

thanks you guys....

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

So glad, Joanna. Sleep tight.

I'll be back in the (my) morning to clarify all that stuff I wrote since it sounds like I'm tooting my own horn. (I don't know how to say that in Flemish. ) (And yes, I'm kidding.)

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

"tooting my own horn" sounds nice for a dutch person Ne "toooooot tooooooot"
there must be an emoticon that toots, but i'm to beat to look it up right now.:elk:

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

What'cha doin' up so early, Jo?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Man-o-man. That previous post of mine makes me very self-conscious. It makes me sound particularly pathetic and also particularly proud.

I suppose the truth is that I was pretty pathetic but I had NO idea how sad my life was. And I am proud of my accomplishments, but I'm mostly amazed that it has been possible. Especially the money thing which used to completely confound me, and still confounds honestly, but somehow is very different now.
Plus, I'm American. We're all about the Benjamins baby. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNTBb1u6UGg[/video]]Puff Daddy ft. The Notorious B.I.G., The LOX & Lil' Kim - It's All About the Benjamins - YouTube)

Hope it's going to be, or is already, a good day!
More painting and shelves and homework for me! woop! I'll post pics later.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

actually, after posting here last night, when i finally relaxed, i started to throw up. i felt like my intestines needed to leave my torso, it was horrible.
got up so early this morning for the second day of the job, feeling utterly sick. almost drove the wrong way (again) because my mind was so foggy. all the input of yesterday, the vomit-scene, only a few hours of sleep after that, the baclofen se's, jesus... and when i realized (standing on the verge of going to the west instead of the south) i was about to miss the turn, i turned the steering wheel, got over the i don't know what it's called in english and almost hit the i don't know what that's called either.

when i arrived, i felt like a wreck. and i told them, which kind of turned out okay. i left there after a few hours of trying to hang in there, at 2 pm instead of 6pm. but i couldn't take any more.

feel i'm getting soooo sensitive. maybe (duh!) my sensitivity was covered all this time by trying to fight myself out, and not giving in to the feeling of being completely overpowered.

i hope this makes some sense to you. i'm too beat right now to try and find the right words.

and Ne: please don't feel like you have to repair anything or whatever (i don't quite understand what it is that you're so worried about. tooting is nice! give yourself a break and try to relax while in this house turmoil business!)

:h

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

How's your drinking, Jo? Only asking because, well, obviously it could make you sick... but also just wondering where your cravings are at with the bac. And where are you with that? Last I saw it was around 140? Maybe?

Hope you're feeling better. :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

That's just awful, Joanna. The whole experience. Which may be making you really sick, too. Any single one of those things could compromise an immune system.

Hope you're doing the dutch version of chicken soup, and a heating pad, and (what was it?) rice water. (Which sounds very wise.)
:l

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

STUCK! thank you!!!! i got so into processing all that happened, i forgot all about the pills!!!

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

managed to take all the doses last night, but i think i did the last one way past midnight, don't know what time, cause i'd fallen asleep on the couch again.
and then this morning when i woke up i felt like a train had passed over me, i still can't seem to wake up. i feel like a wounded animal.
heavy drinking yesterday (as a reaction to the heavy stuff that happened over the last few days, although i have heavy drinking nights often so it's more like an excuse or an overall reaction to, well being a drunk? :?), but also sooo cut up by everything that happened. pffff, and tomorrow i have to be alive and kicking again...

so i forgot my first two doses this morning (15mg at 10am and 30mg at 1pm)!! :b&d:
so i took 40mg on 2pm.
hope to clean my house some today, so i can start the week as a sick person in at least a sane environment. but i feel like my ass and back have weights on them and it's like i'm IN the couch, instead of ON it.
what if i'd started merging with the thing, and some half couch - half woman will emerge. couchwoman! who unlike catwoman can't jump roofs, she even has a hard time getting down the stairs because of the whole thing her ass is merged with. i'll not get into going to the bathroom or anything, but you can imagine what kind of issues that would give.

:l