just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

by the way Stuck, i'm on 130mg since yesterday (but as i said, i took the doses in a messy way).
some days i manage to control my drinking a little, which in my case i don't go to the night shop to get some more and stick with the 14 or so standard glasses. other days i drink over 20. i don't really enjoy the booze that much anymore, so i think i'm kind of a loser for keeping on drinking so much. maybe it's the alcoholic in my fighting for survival or something.
so, nothing to be happy or hopeful about.

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

It is the alcoholic chemistry in your brain fighting for survival--don't doubt that for a second. And the more your brain chemistry gets corrected with bac, believe it or not, you're not going to enjoy drinking. Feeling drunk isn't a relief like it used to be, it isn't something you'll look forward to, and while you'll still for a while maybe like having a glass in your hand and taking sips, once the drunk feeling creeps in it's just no fun at all. It just happens and it happens kind of all of a sudden. But it gets worse first, and it sucks, and you just have to power through.

I'll not comment on the couch monster, except to say that's how a lot of people live when they're drinking. And if you're looking for hope, just keep thinking about how you're killing that thing.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

truth is, i've never felt so lonely and low in my life. and i've been there, it's not like i was born yesterday (moreover: it feels like ages)
i'm actually having thoughts about how to kill myself.
don't worry, i couldn't do that, if only for my dog.

perhaps all the emotions i always boozed over are now starting to surface.

being a happy drunk (at least happy while drinking) beats being a miserable drunk completely aware of her own fucking no good

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Hey now. I've been trying to remember when I was a happy drunk, you know? I mean it feels like there was a time when I was, but I can't quite pin it down. In my 20s I passed out crying almost every night. Then I got to grad school and I'd get wasted in my bedroom, hating my roommate and not having my own place. But I'd be getting wasted thinking about all the great stuff I was going to do... Then I got my own place and stumbled around my own apartment, watching TV seasons--seasons--and thinking about all the great stuff I was going to do.

Now it's like OK, here I am in my 5th year of grad school, and where's all that stuff I was going to do? What have I been doing? It's depressing as shit. But really the only thing we can do is what's right here in front of us. What can I do today? And I'm still having a tough time with it. Reading instead of staring off into space or at the computer screen. Writing something instead of going to the bar. It really is so much easier to drown it--easier for a little while, but then I still have to wake up again and wonder what the hell happened.

Guess I'm just trying to say I hear you, Jo. And I really hope things start to feel better.

Mad love, sweetie. :l:l:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Hi, Jo. I sense some trouble here.

I'd like to talk to you about that whole hopeless and helpless thing. And the kill yourself thing.

It is not the act/action I am referring to. It is enough to sound the alarm if someone feels as though there isn't another option, isn't a way out, isn't hope.

Being aware of my good is what happened for me. It is the good in you that you are giving life to! In fact, I've never been more clear in my life that there isn't really a bad. We ARE NOT bad. Just not. Don't get me wrong, there are some people that drive me feckin' nuts, but they aren't bad either. (I'm in a little tiff right at the moment, completely unrelated to any of this, or anything relevant. So much so I'm not sure why I'm in a huff, much less a tiff! Does that translate, at all??? )

Too much bac, and too much beating yourself up, can lead to deep dark places, sister. And they're not real at all.

I gotta go. Huge hugs. Stay close.

Where are you with the bac? And with the antidepressant?

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

i took 37,5mg more of the anti-depressant this morning. i diminished it a few months ago with 37,5 so i might as well try and see if it helps going back up again.
i'm at 130mg of baclofen now.
don't get me wrong, i'm not thinking of quitting the bac, no way. i've gone this far and i'm sure as hell not going to stop while already in this horrible but hopefully healing process.
same goes for my life i guess. if this is a cure, it means i am nearing it. if it's not, we'll see about it when that turns out to be so.

you're right Stuck, i know i was never a "happy drunk", but when i drank without baclofen i could escape the feeling of misery (by taking in more misery of course, but you don't feel that while you're drinking).
so now i'm faced with naked no escape misery. i think that's (an important) part of the process: no more escape. but it feels like being on the bottom of the pit.

what makes it harder is that i'm withdrawing from all contact apart from absolutely the necessary, which of course is not supporting contact but professional contact.
i don't want to talk about it anymore. most people don't know about the extent of my drinking problem. even from the ones that do i'm withdrawing. feel i just want to sit this out, i'll talk about it when it's over.
this is one of the only places where i share my experiences.
in therapy, lots of old stuff is coming back, i'm feeling overwhelmed by it.

my head is swollen from crying, narrow eyes. every morning when i wake up, i feel soooo heavy. it's like there's a layer of cement over me. and then i have to pick myself up, clean up the mess, and be an in control person again.

:|

[Xadrian]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

joanna_d;1409523 wrote: i'm actually having thoughts about how to kill myself.

Not funny

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Ne thoughts follow! Fair warning!!!

I had to take baclofen at least three times before I was able to take it in a way that finally worked. And that was touch and go for a loooong time.
Thing is, I don't think it has to be that hard. In fact, I know it doesn't.

So the first time, I titrated up way too quickly. (That's a common theme and goes without saying.) I was cautious at first and then when I had some time off I decided to 1.) take a bunch over the course of a week (from probably about 30mg to about 60 or 75mg.) and 2.) drink like a fish because I was on 'vacation'.
It was a complete and total disaster. My first massive meltdown (I still don't know what happened) when I was driving, resulted in a huge panic attack. Which resulted in panic attacks for months when the triggers were right, even though I quit taking baclofen the next day.

Then there were a bunch of mini-attempts. 10mg here, 30mg there sort of thing. Then there was another aborted attempt. Then, finally, I just took it slowly. Too slowly, this time around. Then hog wild. Then slowly. Basically, I thought it was a get-well-pill. It IS a get-out-of-jail card. But time is the key ingredient. Not just the amount of baclofen.

I'm sharing this because I understand the will, the need, to move things along. I also know first hand what it feels like to step back, step down, and reconsider. But (thank all that matters) the last time I did it, the last time I will ever need to do it, I let ration rule occasionally and knew that I wasn't going to give up. I was just going to manage it. (Poorly. But I didn't know that then!!!)

A couple more thoughts:
Brain chemistry is a very delicate thing. While I'm all in favor of kicking it around a little bit until it reorganizes itself into something I can live with, I also know I walk a fine line. Both for myself and when I give advice about how, what and why to take medications. It's life and death, both figuratively and sometimes, sadly, literally.
I am not convinced that baclofen (HDB in particular) and SSRIs play nicely together. I don't know if they should be combined. (No one knows, I would bet.) That said, I also don't know that changing things, brain meds in particular, in the middle of this, isn't always the best idea.

I do know that changing things dramatically when one feels really badly can have really profound, unseen consequences.

This last thought:
Sometimes hopelessness and despair, loneliness and isolation, can be managed.
But sometimes they are a function of, a direct result of, a chemical imbalance. A signal that things are not alright in the chemical connections the brain is making. This is very serious.

It's important, just as important Jo, to have your head space in the right place when you're going through this process as how you will manage it when you are out of it and free from alcohol. Booze induced hangovers and massive amounts of regret and remorse are hard enough to deal with. I know you know!

Please consider stepping the baclofen down a bit for a little while. It may result (as it has for MANY people) in less desire to drink. Because sometimes increasing bac too quickly drives the desire to drink, I think. And then it becomes a brutal circle. (ouch!)
You don't have to wait to be the powerful, positive person you are. You already are that person.

It ain't easy, no matter what. But hey, look! Maybe it'll enlarge your parts? *sigh* Leave it to Murph to liven things up. (That's ifulovelife, btw.)

Heavy stuff over. I keep promising pix and I'll post some soon. The place is still a mess, but I think if I wait until it's straight I'll have painted again by then! (Which is definitely on the agenda. It usually takes three tries for me to get it close to right.
xxoo

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

hey, i managed to get through the day and even feel some good in the work i've done
i had a break and used it to take a nap (hardly sleeping, but with eyes closed under a blanket was good enough and enabled me to work some more after that).

i'm sorry to post all my heaviness over here, hope i'm not burdening you with it, or making you confused or worried.
i feel this is the only place where i can get things off my chest without having to worry about troubling someone close to me. i can write on here from within the cocoon i go to when everything that needs to be done is done.

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

That's why we're here! No worries about whatever you're writing, k? Just keep it up and keep everyone updated. Or, you know, at least me since I need to know what I'm walking into when I'm suddenly a kept housekeeper.

Oh, and awesome post, Ne. Definitely lots of good things to think about, like how the 3rd time painting might just be the charm . But I'm in a bit of a rush at the moment.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Nah. Just keep it coming, Joanna.
I was very clear that while I was falling apart in virtual life, on here, in this safe place, I was holding it together in 3D every-day world. Maybe that's why I held it together? This place definitely helped in hugely enormous and wondrous ways. Plus, where else can you lament someone else's disfiguring misfortune without embarrassment. And if ifulovelife is not embarrassed, or even self-conscious, well, we don't need to be with our trivial little problems. Compared to his big, huge problem. and :H

Glad you pulled it off and maybe had some fun!?

and thanks, La. :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Goooooooooood Morning, Joanna! et al.

How are you? What's news?

I did finally blow off my work last night (and apparently am doing the same this morning). Ed and I watched an interview with the Dalai Lama after dinner. (Deep, I know. It's a whole new world in this house, I'll tell you.)
I had this amazing dream in which I thought I was awake. In it I was walking around with my eyes completely closed. I was still finding my way around, got coffee, was doing the usual things. But my eyes were shut. No one except Ed noticed, and even I wasn't completely sure. Ed finally asked me why I was walking around with my eyes shut, and I thought about it for a minute and told him I preferred it that way.

huh.

On a much lighter note it has been three days since I last had to move spiders out of my office. After yesterday's freakishly warm day I was a little concerned that I would wake to find the entire extended family roaming around, but I think they have moved on. I'm a little concerned that there is a spider farm somewhere around here, but will google and then address the situation in the spring.
Though my nephews will be sleeping on the floor in this room over Thanksgiving. I'm pretty sure that they'll be a bit more alarmed about the spider situation than I am, should they wake to find one in bed with them...hmmm. Maybe more direct action between now and next week then?

Speaking of which, (Thanksgiving that is), my first fond memory of titrating up was over the Thanksgiving holiday in 2010. Ed and I always host this dinner. I was VERY concerned about what everyone was going to think, about how I was going to pull it off, because I was pretty bac'd out and miserable through October and early November. Somehow, things just settled down right before the holiday though. My dad pulled me aside at one point and said he was really proud of me, that something was different...That there wasn't any drama this year! :H
I was very touched. And also a bit alarmed as to what the other years must have been like! But it was the first clue I had that something good was going on. Well, that and the fact that I wasn't craving the wine everyone else was drinking. I wasn't miserable about it either. (I don't drink when I'm with family. They thought, and still think, that I was sober for five years after my last 30-day stint in a rehab.)

Alright, enough rambling from me. Gotta go study a bit more about the make up and functions of nephrons for a biology quiz this morning.

Hope everybody's having a good day!

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Xadrian;1409866 wrote: Not funny

i'm sorry Xadrian, i wouldn't joke about that. afterwards i thought ow, how can i write this here when in know about Xadrian's loss (i've lost some people like that myself).
and i felt guilty, though i was being honest.

[Xadrian]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

You shouldn't feel guilty, but if you really walking around with serious plans to take your life, please find some help (not help for taking your life, of course, but to prevent it).
Try to see the good things in life, do things you always wanted to do, but never found the time for.
Take a hobby, go sporting, anything to distract yourself in a positive way.

Maybe it's because I can't imagine that someone would want to commit suicide. There have certainly been times that it didn't make a difference for me being alive or dead, but that did not mean that I wanted to take my own life. I knew that when you're feeling very depressed, there will always be a moment when life improves. Above that, I'm way too curious about how the world will look in 30 years or so.

But don't feel guilty because I never felt how you maybe feel. Try to see the bright side and enjoy little things that make you happy. Buy some delicious food, ice cream, candy, chocolate, whatever you like, watch a good movie, take a walk in the woods. Try to do as much things you enjoy and try to avoid things that make you depressed. I used to have a lot of stress and I pushed away as much stress factors I could and try to relativate things that at first seem to be huge problems, but in fact aren't that big. Baclofen helps me with it.

For example, for the last 5 years I have been building our own house, I have to do everything in the weekends and in the evenings and till now, I did all of it by myself.
Today, they had to pour concrete for the rain beam. I couldn't do it alone, so I had to hire a company with a concrete pump.
They sent 2 quasimodo's that poured the concrete way too fast, with the result that the plywood formwork cracked open. Now, first of all, my rain beam is 5 centimeters too wide, so in the near future I hav to chisel a part off. Secondly, I had 300 liters concrete too few, so I spent the whole afternoon making it by hand. Also one of the floor beams is twisted.

Before Baclofen something like this would send me straight to the bottle and I would have been angry and depressed for a week. Now I can accept that I cannot change the facts and all I can do is correct it as much as possible. That's the way it is. No more and no less. And that's a huge victory on myself.
It really feels great that I'm able to do that. It gives me a feeling of being free

By the way, last Friday I went from 50 mg of Baclofen to 40 mg. If a day like this didn't make me drink, I passed the exam and 40 mg will be my new maintenance dose. A few months ago, 45 mg was too few, so I know my brain chemistry is still changing. I hope someday I can do it without Baclofen.

I hope (and expect) you will begin to feel better in a while, as soon as the (effects of) the poison leave your body and brain.

Take care.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

:sofa:

Pretty quiet 'round here.

g'night! *see* you in the morning!

:bedtime: