just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

just wanted you to know i'm hanging in there. just don't feel like writing right now.

(Ne, where on earth did you find that couch emoticon??)

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

ah! :sofa:

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

(ah. found it)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate


Figured you would. Took me forever to find the damn thing. I forgot how many there are!

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

thanks you guys for everything... :h

i'm starting to feel less depressed i think. don't know if it's the anti-depressant going up (ow Ne, when i read your reply i thought shit! argh! why did i do that?!! but i think i'd better stick with it now, after 4 days), or the bac going up. or maybe i'm working through some of my issues. i shouldn't underestimate the impact this process (and the other things happening in my life) has on my emotions.
lots of old unresolved pain has been surfacing again. i feel i have a very thin skin.

i haven't managed to diminish my drinking though, it's still my way out (although i don't get the buzz anymore, it still relaxes me). i've been reading lots around here and possibly my se's are not so much se's as they are hangovers. frustrating, cause i can't seem to succeed in diminishing the booze.
i'm at 145mg now. i'm afraid my not being able to drink less will interfere with success at bac.

i guess i'm stubborn (and also desperately want to be free of al). i just don't want to go down on the bac, i want to keep going...

well, today is a working day again and i won't be home till about 9pm. before that, i can drink a few beers (and i probably will), but i'll have to wait with serious drinking till after i get home.
i dread going to work, feeling so vulnerable, and also still quite depressed, and with the se's. but i guess it's good to not have the opportunity to follow my usual rituals on days like this.

hope you're all doing fine today!

(and Xadrian, RESPECT for dealing with that cement stuff like that!)

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

i realized i worried over here about the keeping drinking before. i am repeating myself!
i guess i'll just have to keep on going like it is, drinking or no drinking, until i'm able to diminish.

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

when i wrote that last thing, i was still fighting the feeling, but not long after that i called in sick and went home.

[TexasAg]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Howdy! I haven't had a chance to catchup on your thread but read your last couple of posts and just wanted to say hello.

How long you've been on Bac, 4 or 5 weeks? I was wondering because in my personal experience it was right at the 4th-6th week I was feeling really depressed. I'm not sure what it was, family problems, work problems, afraid of giving up my drinking lifestyle problems, I don't know. But I do know that I was also very anxious/afraid that Bac wasn't working and wasn't goint to work. This thought really depressed me.

A veteran put it well ( I think it was Stuck) when he said that on top of all the alcohol issues we also have the added pressure/anxiety of doing this without a net. It's easier when there's someone with a white coat, stethoscope and a clipboard telling us these SE's are normal, this is what is expected, etc. We don't have that. But we do have good people on this forum that help.

JKTTDP and keep posting!

Cheers!

Day 125 on Bac – 100mg
Binge Free - 97 days

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Hey Joanna.

Alrighty. The heavy stuff first or later? I'm feeling very heavy-hearted today, but also a little tickled. I'm not sure which way to be/go at the moment...

Stubborn is good. So is smart. Smart-assed might get you places, too. (Just didn't want you to forget that. I like a good smart ass every now and then. And I definitely like being one more often than I should be. Which reminds me of dealing with a particular customer service person at the bank the other day... Anyway! Back to bac.)


Nah. Let's do the light stuff.

Here's the after:
Dang it. I can't remember how to do this. I'll have to fix it later tho. and :l Attached files [img]/converted_files/1985326=7138-attachment.jpg[/img]

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

HOLY MOTHER THAT LOOKS SMART ASS NE!

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

hi Texas, and thanks. i've been reading lots of threads here and that puts my experience a little more in perspective, as does your story.
they sometimes confuse me also, when i read that people think the pill isn't the solution: you have to be able to clean up your act first so to speak. and then i think, well i certainly am not able right now, as it turns out.

i've had i think 7 weeks on bac now, and although the se's have been there, sometimes very troubling, other times doable, i think the depression started getting really bad in week 5. before that i just felt miserable because i didn't feel able to go to my studio or even do some drawing at home, so i lost my life line.
after that i just didn't care anymore, i felt i was completely disintegrating.

TexasAg;1411822 wrote:
A veteran put it well ( I think it was Stuck) when he said that on top of all the alcohol issues we also have the added pressure/anxiety of doing this without a net. It's easier when there's someone with a white coat, stethoscope and a clipboard telling us these SE's are normal, this is what is expected, etc. We don't have that. But we do have good people on this forum that help

that sure is true!!

it was so sweet, the other day my mother said to me she thought i was very brave, going on a process like this without any professional support.
well, of course you lot are experts! but the process being different for everyone doesn't make it less confusing.

thanks for your concern Ne. i'm trying to do this both stubborn and smart ass :moon:
although i know i'm pushing it.
the thing is, i'm hoping for this to be over by january (do i hear an "oww you crazy broad!!"?). i find it's almost impossible for me to get much work done like this (drinking and baccing) and while i can make the time for it now, i'll get in all kinds of trouble if it takes too long.

i upped to 150mg yesterday and will stay on that at least until monday evening (cause i have to work on monday. my second job i mean.).
like yesterday, depression feels lighter now. and i managed to not buy another bottle of wine yesterday, and stick with one bottle and a few beers. hope i can continue this (but i'm reluctant to say it here, cause i might as well fall back tonight)

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Aw, geez. Thanks Jo. That makes me feel really good. Really. I was hoping you'd think it looks good. I hated it at first. Well, I liked the drama of the color, but then decided it was all wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
But now? I think it's okay. I like having the pix on the wall, and the couches (which I used to hate because I'd prefer something much more modern) are super-comfy. And I've been listening/reading all this meditative stuff about being comfortable with what is, that what I have is enough, that everything is A-okay. That probably helps a lot too. :H

Hope today is a good day for you. Yesterday sounds like it was a tough one. (I can't tell you how many sick days I had. A lot. Because I was sick. Very sick. I want to make sure that you are being both gentle and proactive with yourself and your recovery, though. I hope you are. More later, when you wanna talk about it. Did you know that you cannot get private messages or emails? Is that on purpose? If it's not, you can change the settings by going to the User CP link at the top of the board. It's on the left side for me.)

alrighty. I gotta run before I'm so late that I miss class (again) and must come up with a lame excuse to cover my arse.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

joanna_d;1412232 wrote:
the thing is, i'm hoping for this to be over by january (do i hear an "oww you crazy broad!!"?).

I think that's a great timeline! Which gives you plenty of time! Why don't you see how 145 plays out. I think it's a positive thing to have a plan, in terms of titration (and everything else) but it's very important that the plan is flexible. That makes sense, right?

I feel like the thought, "Chemo for alcoholism" was not a very good one. This process should not be sheer hell. It helps to have time and space (emotionally and physically) to experience the process and plan in a positive way for the future. Sometimes that's so hard, but that's why having the time and space to take what you need, when you need (even if that means going down!!!) is SO important.

Now I'm late. and:H
xo

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

had a skype conversation with one of the people involved in the problems in the group last weekend. that was okay, it cleared up my mind (i won't go into what that was all about, but it was rather burdening nd heavy for me, especially in the state i'm in right now). i didn't really feel like talking about anything, but in the end it's good to solve these things, and talk about them.

i've changed the settings for email & private messaging Ne. thanks for pointing that out (didn't know).
if i get an email, will my email adress be visible? (don't know if i find that a problem, but i'd like to know beforehand)

yep. depression is still lighter today. not near to being in a happy place, but not the desperation i felt before..

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Hey there ladies, and Tex. Just popping in quickly to say hi. Ne, the room looks uh-mazing, and the couch looks comfortable as hell, too, which makes me jealous because I'm so ready for comfortable furniture.

Sorry the depression is getting to you, Jo. Same here a bit. Is it (lack of) work-related? Ne will tell ya' to guard your sleep, but I say figure out the part of the day you feel like you're able to concentrate or you at least feel pretty with-it, and guard that. Even if it's only an hour. I found on the higher doses that, contrary to how I've been my whole life, it was suddenly a couple of hours in the morning that I could really get stuff done. So the rest of the day would be kind of a write-off, but whatever needed to be done I'd do in the morning, and that helped me get through teaching a summer class and generally getting my act together for this last semester (which is already almost over!? WTF where did the time go?).

Anyway, January is an awesome goal. And remember that SEs aren't always the same like you kind of expect they'll be, so increasing the dose doesn't just make them worse. When I was going up I kept thinking the same SEs would just get harder and harder to deal with, and freaked out about it. But I think you'll be surprised. There's a point (or certain points) that are really just going to fit with you, and those are really lovely.

:l